any one here dated a man with kids?

[missymarmite]

Two months ago I met my perfect man. We are so in love it's crazy. He is romantic, funny, kind. Everything is wonderful with him.

Except, I am a LP with one DS, and as he never sees his DF I have struggled to get babysitters to allow us time together. I have a battle every week to get him to stay over one of my friend's, as he hates spending nights away from me.

My boyfriend has 3 DCs, who spend almost half the week with him, covering EVERY weekend plus a day or two in the week. He is a loving father, his kids are his world, and I love that about him. Yet, this means we can only meet on week nights, which makes it even harder on me to sort out childcare on school nights.

We both agreed not to tell our kids about us until today. His two eldest go to the same school as my DS, and we live in a small town, so we had to tell them at the same time.

So we having been sneaking round our kids, and due to both of us being ill in the last 2 weeks, added to christmas with families etc...we have hardly seen each other, let alone got romantic, in almost 3 weeks.

I miss him! I feel like we don't live in the same town, in the same locality, despite the fact that he only lives down the road on the same estate!

Anyhow, today I tell my DS about it. He is so happy and excited. He so wants a father figure, and a family. He has been on at me for ages to get a boyfriend and have a baby, and he is so so happy that he might have a ready made family. I got a bit worried today because he started going on about us moving in with BF, where did he get this idea from? He loves the fact that he will have step-siblings, and he is happy about who they are, he knows them from school.

BF texted me today to say that he'd told his lot and they were happy and could we meet up tomorrow with the kids....

Only this evening he says his eldest has changed their mind, isn't happy about it and we can't meet. I know my DS will be really upset as he got all excited about meeting BF and his DC.

Please can someone tell me it will all be ok? I know it is all early days, and I know the road can never be easy when you have merged families and step-kids/parents etc...

But is this just a normal teething problem, or a sign of the things to come? I am feeling very wobbly about the whole step-family thing. What if his DC HATE ME?

SP is harder than you can imagine, pottle over to the SP board and take a read.

Moving from 1 child to 4 will be a nightmare. (Ive gone from 1 to 5).

Blending families is a nightmare.

That said - I adore DH, and the DSCs and my DS and our children together, and I wouldnt change it, but possibly, if I knew what I was letting myself in for, I may have run a mile.

Try posting in the step parening part, you will get more responses from people who have been at the coal face.

Ok thanks MJ

The trouble is that by discussing moving in, in the future, you put a subtle form of pressure on your relationship to head in that direction. Before you know it you start to unconsciously think about it and then start taliking about it regularly together and off you go...

I'm not convinced by the small town, we all know each other, argument at all. Plenty goes on behind closed doors that next door neighbours or close family aren't aware of.

There is NO substitute for taking the time to get to know this man in the least pressured way you can. You deserve that OP. Protect yourself and value the life you already have. Don't give away your freedom unless you absolutely know deep down you're getting something better!

Missy, you seem really angry about some of the responses on here, not just the ones about your son. I too think two months is too soon and the grand announcement a bit strange. There don't seem many shades of grey here. Why not have a few day trips out together or something, it doesn't have to be so all or nothing.

MJ has given good advice - step parenting is tougher than being a parent or a single parent and most step parents have been single parents so can speak from relative experience. It is not like parenting - it has all of the hard work but less of the rewards.

When I met my dh we felt an instant match so I can relate to your feelings but even with that we have found step parenting really challenging. The caution that others are warning about is fair, once children are involved it becomes harder to protect them IF the relationships fails. To build a successful blended family you need superior communication skills, buckets loads of patience and compete compatibility on all the key areas such as Finances, parenting, household rules. In 2 months you can't determine if this is the case as the relationship hasn't been tested. Have you yet had to debate a contentious issue and managed to resolve it constructively? If there are 4 dc's in the mix (& an ex) you will have 6 alternative views to take into consideration (today it is just you and your ds).

Of course in the early stages you can't forsee the issues - I couldn't and we waited for 2 years before moving in together. Your step children are likely to have different values to your own and Xmas is a great example of the stresses that step families are placed under. Check out the step parenting board - what you see there is very realistic about life.

Your dp's eldest dc is just an example of the challenges ahead - it is usual for some children to resist a new partner and that can make life very difficult for you and your dp.

Can I clarify - is he divorced? How is is relationship with his ex? Are finances resolved?

Lots of us step parents do manage to have successful relationships but we do all wish we had know the challenges ahead..My post is just an early warning, it doesn't mean you shouldn't continue with the relationship just be aware that it is often a very bumpy road.

Actually, I really appreciate a lot of the advice and comments that many of you have given. I have taken some of it on board. Sorry if I sounded angry.

I was a bit annoyed that my DS was being branded a freaky psycho for wanting what he sees as a proper family life, with a mum, a father figure, and siblings to play with when his friends aren't around. I don't see that as something to be wary of, rather something ordinary!

I also don't see the point in getting emotionally involved with someone if you are never going to see eye to eye on the fundamentals. I don't want to invest yet another couple of years of my life only to find at the end of it that we want different things out of a relationship. I am 34, and time is ticking away. My mother was dead at the age of 47! Life is too short. On the other hand, I don't mind waiting, as long as I have a vague idea that things have a good chance of working out. Obviously nothing in life is guarranteed, but all I ask is decent odds.

I am aware that there are many pitfalls in relationships where children are involved. Fortunately, it appears that BF and his XW have a cordial relationship and seem to just want the best for their kids. XW has a BF herself, and the kids were introduced much earlier on, almost straight away, and while BF wasn't happy about it, he isn't overly critical or judgemental on his ex. The split wasn't acrimonious or due to adultery.

I think you should be careful about involving a new partner's children early if they are already resisting meeting up. I am married & we have 5 kids between us & the road has been rocky. I don't know how we survived the first year of marriage as my teenage son reacted badly to my new husband moving in although they had got on well when we were just "seeing" each other for 2 years prior to marrying. He ended up leaving home aged 17 when we couldn't ignore his criminal activity any longer & the police & social services had to start supporting us. My 9 year old step daughter has tried to make daddy believe my 7 year old hits her whenever our backs are turned (she doesn't it turns out!) & takes every opportunity to try to get her into trouble she can. It's really hard to stay united!

Good that they know you are in a relationship so they don't hear it from gossips but I would hold off on making older kids spend time together. V young children take it in their stride but older ones can be v resistant & cause trouble at every opportunity! If I knew then what I know now I would have carried on with the nice simple relationship we had, seeing each other a couple of times a week, the odd weekend away & space to parent our own kids without the stress of a blended family! Enjoy this lovely bit while it lasts & in time things will naturally develop I'm sure.

missy I could have written this post a few months ago........

'The trouble is, the honeymoon buzz can last up to 2 years! I also think that you can know when your own feelings are more than just that buzz.

You have to bear in mind, though we never met before, we have many mutual friends and acquaintances, we live in a small provincial town of less than 2000 people and only one primary school, every one knows everyone or they know about them. Word would have got out eventually to our kids.

The plus side is, that you soon learn more about a person, their character, their history, their treatment of others, than you would in another more anonymous situation. I may not see this person every day, but we talk every day and we talk about each other to our friends every day. He even knows my dad from years back.

If he was a bad person, I'd know about it. I know I am a good person. I know he is a good person. I know we get on like we have known each other for years. We have more than passion. We have a deep friendship and respect.

Yes, maybe our feelings could change, though I doubt it. I did worry about it at first. And then I told myself, "sod it! I could just worry myself out of a bloody good thing. Just sit back and enjoy".

Which is what I should have done instead of posting on here, where there are a few too many people who live on planet paranoia and believe that every relationship is a disaster waiting to happen, just like every man must be a closet serial rapist/adulterer/absent father, and every child must have ishoos and need therapy blah blah blah.'

I don't know if you saw a post of mine in early November, it was called 'It's all gone wrong again......' perhaps someone could link it, I have seen a few familiar names on this post.

How quickly it can all go wrong when you think it is just perfect!

2 months is way too soon. I thought those exact thing after two months of knowing DP but tbh I have found out more about him in the last 6 months then the rest of the time (18 months) put together and I thought I knew him deeply then!

I think your son sounds sweet but I think the announcement was a daft idea. The 'casual bumping into each other' idea was a great one. A good tip for any in your position.

I knew I wanted to spend my life with DH within 2 weeks, before we had even started a relationship.

(We were friends for a long term before we became a couple).

I was right :)

My dp has a son. Dp is older than me by 22 years and his son is 4 years younger than me. Fortunately me and dps son get on well

My boyfriend has 3 DCs, who spend almost half the week with him, covering EVERY weekend plus a day or two in the week. He is a loving father, his kids are his world, and I love that about him. Yet, this means we can only meet on week nights, which makes it even harder on me to sort out childcare on school nights.

It sounds like you have to get babysitters in order to see him . Is he also getting babysitters in order to see you , or are you working around his kids ?