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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i think i spoiled christmas for everyone

30 replies

holstenlips · 26/12/2011 21:33

XP and I split in July, my decision (due to lots of problems,mostly his drinking)
FF to now, and i invited him for Christmas as he is alone, we have DD together. He is now not drinking as much. The whole time he was here (last 2 days) felt weird, i have been miserable, kids have played up. He wants me back (i think) He has gone home today because i went to bed with youngest DC and he was just sat alone. I feel so guilty that i invited him and he has now gone home probably feeling even lonelier than he would have been in the first place. Im knackered, i did all the cooking,presents etc and am only 5 days post op ( i had an operation) so have been in pain etc. thats my only excuse. I text him sorry as he just left when i was sleeping. Do i need to cut off more from him as i know i wont want him back and maybe its not clear to him? I feel bad for snapping at the kids also when they were just playing, being overexcited etc. I feel so low right now. thanks for listening.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysmincepies · 26/12/2011 21:38

O come on! If you're post op you shouldn't have had to lift a finger.

If he sat on his arse for 2 days you've got no reason whatsoever to feel guilty.

As for him feeling 'lonely', he's alone because he prefers the bottle for company.

CuriousMama · 26/12/2011 21:38

Don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe inviting him was giving him mixed signals? Even so he has to realise you did it so he wasn't alone. And as for snapping at the dcs everyone does that, especially at Christmas Xmas Wink

Lulumama · 26/12/2011 21:39

if he wants you back , surely, 5 days post op he would have taken on the cooking etc, rather than leaving you with it all and then getting cross because you had to go to bed, take it as confirmation that not being with him is the right thing,

ZZZenAgain · 26/12/2011 21:40

maybe it was just all a bit too intense and the split too fresh. I would say if you invite him and he wants to come next year, have more people there and arrange to go out once and do something , even just out for a longish walk. Hanging about at home for days at a time can get claustrophobic

You meant well, he knows that. I wouldn't worry too much. Leave it for a bit and arrange to go out as a family one afternoon but where there is something happening and something to do and talk about

Original poster
holstenlips · 26/12/2011 21:45

thank you, it means a lot that i dont come across as a horrible grinch, im really not (usually)

i really need to rethink the way christmas happened, i was an idiot to think i could manage it all after op..i didnt sleep for 2 nights after the op so its really catching up.

the kids need me to cheer up
will try to do something with them tomorrow (mobility restricted!)

XP - i guess he needs to find a new life really, he has no friends. He is like a little boy lost, it does make me feel guilty. But i dont love him anymore, because of too much drunken verbal abuse in the past.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysmincepies · 26/12/2011 21:59

There's no earthy reason for you to feel guilty. He's chosen his life and you should take the view that he's welcome to it and leave him alone.

Make Christmas extra special next year for yourself and the dc and don't include him in your celebrations otherwise you'll only end up on another downer afterwards.

Original poster
holstenlips · 26/12/2011 22:04

i wont make the mistake again..i did only ask him because i feel bad he is alone. but he is 45 and can pick his life up if he chooses, he has a good job, a nice home, and a family that care about him even tho they are not nearby. i think maybe i need to grow up too.

OP posts:
Original poster
holstenlips · 27/12/2011 20:37

i just need a little rant/sob. feel terrible today. i think im getting depressed.

OP posts:
SolidGoldStockingFilla · 27/12/2011 20:42

Oh poor you. This is not your fault. In general, people (particularly women) are socialised to 'look after' other people, so we try to make nice with whinyarsed losers and then still feel it's our fault when they remain whinyarsed losers. He chose to drink himself witless and alienate everyone else. Don't feel bad about it.

Original poster
holstenlips · 27/12/2011 20:46

thanks solid. yes i am a 'look afterer' . can i just feel sorry for myself for a minute..i have had an op (second time) which has disfigured me. i cant sit down theres a hint. i have been on my own with dcs except for XP over christmas day, and not even my own mother has called me to see if im ok. i hate feeling sorry for myself but right now i do.

OP posts:
ElfenorRathbone · 27/12/2011 20:53

Holstenlips I think you should prob phone Al-Anon. You obviously feel very responsible for your xp and his feelings and without wishing to sound harsh, you know what, it's not your probelm. However, you feel like it is and that is the classic dynamic of an alcoholic and their partner and I think if you could talk to someone who understands that and can talk you through your feelings, it might take some of the weight of responsibility off your shoulders.

And btw the fact that you are 5 days after an op and worrying about someone whom you owe nothing (and who chances are, in fact owes you big-time) and worrying about how everyone else enjoyed christmas without thinking of your own needs, shows how bad you've got it. Al-Anon can really help you.

link here

ElfenorRathbone · 27/12/2011 20:53

Darling you have every right to feel sorry for yourself.

ZZZenAgain · 27/12/2011 20:58

if your mum hasn't called you, can't you call her?

Is it because she knew your ex was there over Christmas and she knew how he had behaved in the past that she hasn't called because she didn't want to encounter him?

Original poster
holstenlips · 27/12/2011 20:59

thank you

OP posts:
thefroggy · 27/12/2011 21:00

Dont beat yourself up over inviting him, you did what you thought best at the time and things dont always go to plan. We all want Christmas to be lovely, and perfect, but it is after all just one day Smile

Sorry about your mum not calling, is there any particular reason for that or could she just have thought you had ex there and didn't want to disturb you?

Original poster
holstenlips · 27/12/2011 21:01

my mum doesnt care about me (as in, the day before my op she called to complain about her toothache) its ok, they are a long way away and not in my life that much. i think this op has affected me psychologically/emotionally.

OP posts:
thefroggy · 27/12/2011 21:08

Christmas is a very emotional time anyway. I know i'm far more sensitive around the holidays about Not Very Nice Things I Normally Shrug Off All Year Round and you've had an op too. You haven't ruined anything, you're just human, with a lot on your plate and it's perfectly fine to feel sorry for yourself. You dont need to feel guilty for that.

Original poster
holstenlips · 27/12/2011 21:18

thanks froggy.

OP posts:
Original poster
holstenlips · 27/12/2011 21:21

best piece of advice ever given to me: it'll pass

OP posts:
thefroggy · 27/12/2011 21:29

Best piece of advice ever given to me:

"Can you change what happened?" "No" "then worrying about it is a waste of time" Easier said than done...but quite true!

Original poster
holstenlips · 27/12/2011 21:35

thanks, yep easier said then done, cant change the past. think i need to get to gp get some more time off work, have a proper break. or quit my job (i wish)

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/12/2011 21:41

You meant well and it was a kind thought.
But you shouldn't feel guilty about him. He's a grown man and he's not your responsibility.
It sounds as though you need to learn how to be more thoughtful about your own needs and wants and put less effort into pleasing other people.
Don't risk your post-op recovery by overdoing things for the DCs' sake. They will be fine with TV/computer games/books/whatever while you get some rest. It's just for a few days, not a lifetime. They need you to be well.

thefroggy · 27/12/2011 21:42

Gp sounds like a plan for starters, leave the heavy thinking until you're feeling a bit better Smile

Original poster
holstenlips · 27/12/2011 21:43

thank you all , you have really helped.

OP posts:
RedRosie · 27/12/2011 21:56

Poor you. It will pass, this time.

Solidgold speaks good sense. Your XP has made choices and will have to find his own way back to himself. He is not your problem now (although that is easier to say than to feel when you have cared for someone).

I hope 2012 brings you a way forward and a new life for you and your DCs. And I hope he remains a part of their lives in a new way. You can do it.

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