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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT IS TIME TO LEAVE???

71 replies

DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 12:23

O.k. I'm a mn poster, but as dh knows my usual handle I thought it safer to assume an alias...

I will probably not make much sense but maybe somebody can either knock some (sense) into me or give some advice...

Background: DH and I knew each other when I got pg with dd (now 4) and got married. Had planned to get married and have kids anyhow just not that 'early' into the relationship so no major prob.
I got pnd with dd and got medicated. Everything still o.k. with some little scuffles - usually me getting annoyed because dh doesn't pull finger.
Got pg with ds who is now 16 months. got pnd as well and was medicated. Came off medication 4 months ago and since then things have gotten gradually worse. Don't know whether it's because I'm off the AD's and less tolerant or because DH is getting worse.
He's not a talker, if something upsets him you've got this big ogre spotting a storm cloud iykwim. Had a few bigger chats over the last couple of months, making lists of 'issues' and setting some 'ground rules', i.e. putting anything planned etc. on the wall calendar (he never looks at) just to pick a trivial example.

Won't list all the gripse I have, just a synopsis:

  • I'm always the one to 'break the ice'
  • I always end up feeling like it's my fault
  • I'm the one who organises everything and gets things done because he has no time (except for looking into things that interest him, not things that need doing) being so busy at work. Well helloooooo... I take care of the kids, dishes, washing and quick tidy up so nanny doesn't find a bombsite when she arrives before I go to work, then come home and take care of household, dinner and kids! [can you guess that's one of my major gripse?]

Basically atm I feel like I'm a single mum with fringe benefit as dh does get up for kids at night and sort of takes care of them over the weekend. I know it's nothing like really being a single mum as a friend of mine is, but I'd love some support not the feeling that 'Family & Home' is my responsibility, especially as I'm working too.

After this long lament... back to my question in the heading. How and when does one decide that enough is enough? I know it's an individual thing, but I really would appreciate some pointers as I'm sort of too exhausted to think.

Have to add that should I take the big step and leave, not that I want to... I have no support network here in the UK as both our families are abroad. Have 2 good friends to rely on but one is going back home soon (abroad) and the other one is the single mum I mentioned, who's good for moral support, but obviously is stretched enough herself. Not to mention the financial side of things!

HELP

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 12/01/2006 15:00

Depressed more like.

Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 15:02

well I did tell him I think he's showing signs of depression, as I've been there I know what to look for, but he won't have any of it and won't go get help.
What am I supposed to do? Force him at gun point?

OP posts:
dexter · 12/01/2006 15:09

yes, i think he sounds quite low. you can't live his life for him I know but he needs to visit his GP!

I think (this being a man we're dealing with here ) that maybe you need to approach things sensitively. Could you put all difficulties aside for an evening and either take him out to dinner or cook a special meal at home, tell him you've been worried about how down he seems. Tell him the things that he does brilliantly and what a good dad he is (lie! embellish the truth!). Then once you've established a slightly more positive attitude between you he MAY open up somewhat.

If this softly softly approach didn't work then I reckon what I would do is CRY and just let yourself tell him like it is - you want to stay with him but you simply cannot carry on without some change from him. you want this first change to be agreeing to one visit to relate or wherever.

I just think it is a shame it's all down on you but will always be this way I think. I still think it's worth you doing the legwork, if not for you then for your kids, they deserve the two of you together. best of good luck to you xx

Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 15:12

dexter... have you been a fly on the wall in my house? I've tried all that. Hence I'm at the point where I put this post up... he won't get help and I don't have the strength to carry all of us. I'm close to going back on AD's just so I don't care anymore

OP posts:
eefs · 12/01/2006 15:19

Been there, done that. Carbon copy of your situation.
I think you need to sit your dh down and explain calmly that you are not putting up with this situation any longer. Treat it like a business project, give him a timelimit to show you that he doesn?t want to lose you. Between you split the responsibilities and chores. Don?t interfere ? he will have his own way of doing things that might not be to your standard but the point is he?s making the effort. At the end of the trial, review his performance. If he made an effort you have a chance, if not don?t waste your life on him.

Me ? well, I?m single now.

eefs · 12/01/2006 15:20

And I too think my DP was depressed, but my help was rejected and I could only do so much for him. It has to be his decision to help himself in the end.

Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 15:25

eef... well I thought we'd made a start on the 'project' by e.g. putting up the calendar so we both knew what is going on. Failing point there... he doesn't put his stuff in and doesn't look at the calendar. And I've placed it very strategically... on the way to the bathroom!

OP posts:
Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 15:26

I mention the calendar here because the row yesterday started about me alledgedly not telling him when dd/ds's vaccinations are and that it will be awkward for him to come and help. I had told him at least 3 x when the appt is!

OP posts:
beasmum · 12/01/2006 15:32

oh blimey. you have done everything then. Maybe just re-prioritise for yourself then - decide that certain things don't matter (ie some housework bits that you feel you can let go). Compare the importance of things, are they worth your kids losing their mum and dad being together for - if not then let them go for now. Maybe it's a way of saving your sanity.

But I really really feel for you, it must be so hard carrying the whole family as you say.

I think eefs suggestion is brilliant, because you are clearly saying to him then - do SOMETHING, otherwise I will assume you are ending this relationship. Because it may be that, in the cold light of day, mayn't it? By doing zilch, he is driving you away. If he continues doing zilch, then you must assume he wants to do this. Sometimes men end relationships by just withdrawing, because they don't have the guts to do it openly. Do you think this is a possibility? If so then you will drive yourself mad trying to change him and I guess he won't.

I will be thinking of you and sending hugs x

eefs · 12/01/2006 15:42

actually I had a HUGE reply to you, then realised it was all about me so have created my own thread with more history on DP and I.

Do you look 20 years down the line when your children have left the nest and feel sad? Would you be with him if it wasn't for the children?

Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 15:44

dh is alledgedly withdrawing and staying out of the way as he thinks if he's not around (physically or mentally) then I don't get upset!

Sending us the message though he doesn't want to be with us.

He doesn't want to loose us going by our last conversation just before xmas.

Maybe there is something to men=mars women=venus
because he's got some strange way of thinking!

I think tonight I'll just confront him and ask him what the hell we had our chat for before xmas because as far as I am concerned we're back to status quo

OP posts:
Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 15:45

eefs my suspicion is that if we hadn't had the kids we'd still be fine. I think he can't cope with lack of sleep, money etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 15:48

eefs just read your post. Beside the kids bit we could be the same person. At least DH does bedtime with the kids and has bonded quite well with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 16:13

btw sent dh an email this morning... no response so far :{

OP posts:
annacoach · 12/01/2006 16:19

hmmm....

You sound like you are doing a fantastic job - and I would suggest you that you concentrate on putting notes up to remind you how great you are doing. In the car, on the fridge and on the way to the bathroom beside the calendar if you like!

Say compliments out loud to yourself in the mirror - even when he is in the room - and make sure he sees how valuable/sexy/brilliant/dynamic you believe yourself to be (you sound like you feel very under-valued and that's making you angry - i'm not surprised).

Do it with humour - and often!

Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 16:23

annacoach
thanks... though I veto the sexy/dynamic bit way too exhausted for dynamics

OP posts:
stymie · 12/01/2006 16:48

dhknowsmyhandle, I think I could write most of your posts. changed my name too.

stymie · 12/01/2006 16:50

my dh does NOT carry his weight on childcare. but he thinks he does. he sees nothing wrong with maintaining his hobbies while I give mine up -- which I did a long time ago. I keep hoping that it will get beter when the kids are in sschool. But, I must admit I have doubts.

lou33 · 12/01/2006 16:57

For me it was a series of things that made me decide it was over. There just came a point where i thought i cannot live like this for the rest of my life with this man, i was so unhappy, the thought of spending life as it was with him, made me utterly depressed and unable to function . Having said that, he still didn't listen when i asked him to leave, and it wasn't until he thought i was having an internet affair that he finally heard what i had been saying to him.

Now we are separated i feel myself coming back to life again, and although it is hard in a practical sense, i know it was v much the right decision

Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 17:02

I don't know whether I can live like this for the rest of my life. Originally our plans were to emigrate down under, however that very thought chills me to the bone atm

OP posts:
lou33 · 12/01/2006 17:11

the thought of coping on my own with 4 kids, 1 disabled, and no car was still preferable to living with my h any longer

i never thought i would make him take me seriously, but events forced him to, so i am quite glad he hacked into my email really.

muma3 · 12/01/2006 17:13

imo staying with someone and being unhappy is worse then leaving and being happy
tbh imo the kids always come first , they pick up on tension and it ends up everyone in the house is miserable
if things are so bad that you and dp dont hardly talk or sleep in seperate beds or def if you argue and fight then you and your kids are best out of it
good luck to all xxxxx

Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 17:15

muma3 we don't really argue as a) I usually don't get loud and b) dh never responds. But the tension thing is there...

it's all so frustrating/confusing

OP posts:
twirlaround · 12/01/2006 17:20

Maybe dh has depression and that is why he is not very helpful about sorting things out

Original poster
DHknowsMyOtherHandle · 12/01/2006 17:22

I know, that's why I tried offering him help and tried getting him to the GP but he won't go because all the GP is going to say is 'you are aware that you are overweight'... excuses

OP posts: