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Relationships

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Original poster

Why did she feel unable to confide in me bearing in mind our history?

43 replies

Arachnophobic · 25/12/2011 23:22

I have known my best friend for 28 years, since we were young kids Lots of history, families were friends, confide in each other (or so i thought) you get the picture.

Few week ago I suspected she was first time pregnant as it was her hubbie's significant birthday party at a venue and she wasn't drinking. On my way to the party she called me and said she was on antibiotics. At the party I checked the toilets were clear, dragged her in there, asked her outright. I felt excited. She looked shocked and denied it. I felt so bad I apologised profusely.

Turns out she was pregnant and told me post scan. Now I know many do wait for the scan, I can understand it, but I am upset she felt she couldn't tell me when I asked her privately.

I also found out about her engagement through Facebook when she changed her status to engaged. She didn't call me until afterwards.

AIBU to think it's a bit odd she cant seem able to confide in me and to wonder that our friendship is not what I thought/hoped?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 25/12/2011 23:24

Well tbh it sounds like she doesn't want to confide in you! If she didn't want to tell you you should ahve respected that, rather than dragging her into the toilets.

Cybbo · 25/12/2011 23:24

YABU

No one has to tell you everything . It is not a measure of your friendship, just a measure of how she felt at the time- surely you can respect that?

StealthPolarBear · 25/12/2011 23:25

Are you sure she's your best friend, or is she a friend you have a lot of history with but aren't actually as close as you seem to think you are? Does she usually confide in you - were these two occassions unusual?

mrsshears · 25/12/2011 23:25

I'm pregnant and i did'nt tell my closest frind until after my scan,some people choose not to,if i'm honest i would'nt have been happy if i had been put on the spot and asked either.

BigHairyGruffalo · 25/12/2011 23:25

Don't take it personally! She probably just wanted the reassurance of the scan. Also, she may have had an agreement with her DH about when they were going to tell people, so she would have felt unable to go against it.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 25/12/2011 23:26

You sound a bit needy, sorry.

catsareevil · 25/12/2011 23:27

You possibly arent as good friends as you thought?

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 25/12/2011 23:27

Thanks barf wasnt really what I was asking tho.

OP posts:

runningwilde · 25/12/2011 23:27

If you are close friends I can understand why you feel the way you do - she doesn't seem to place the same importance on your friendship as you, it's odd she didn't tell you she was engaged, pregnancy thing is very private for some people though. Have there been more instances like this?

squeakytoy · 25/12/2011 23:28

I would say its not that she isnt able, she just doesnt want to..

Pregnancy is something that most couples keep to themselves until the first scan. As for her getting engaged.. did you expect her to ring you the minute he proposed??

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 25/12/2011 23:29

stealth and cats yes that's what I was thinking. I thought we were and maybe not. By way of additional info she has been having a terrible time of it at work with someone she works with I probably know every detail about that, we have had convos for hours at a time on this topic but I guess that's different.

OP posts:

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 25/12/2011 23:30

You sound a bit demanding.
If she had wanted to confide in you she'd have found a way to do it without you watching her like a hawk for clues and then dragging her off for an interrogation.
Even if she'd considered confiding in you before, that might well have put her off.

SantasStrapon · 25/12/2011 23:30

I didn't tell anyone, not even family, until after my scans. It's for her to tell you when she's ready, not for you to demand.

I lied if anyone asked me.

catsareevil · 25/12/2011 23:30

Is she contacting you or are you contacting her?

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 25/12/2011 23:31

Not at all squeaky and I wouldn't be concerned if I was the first or the last to be told. I just didn't expect to hear via FB I guess!

OP posts:

coppertop · 25/12/2011 23:31

Maybe she preferred the party to be about her dh and his significant birthday rather than her pregnancy.

She obviously values her privacy and perhaps you need to put that ahead of your need to hear her secrets.

BlissfulMistletoe · 25/12/2011 23:31

tbh, when i found out i was pregnat with my son i didn't want to tell anybody, but had to due to working with mrsa c.diff ect so i needed to tell certain people to protect my baby.

anyhow, i wish it was a secret until the 1st scan.....and that is to everyone parents, siblings, close friends ect.

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 25/12/2011 23:32

She contacts me mainly cats tbh.

OP posts:

OoPaHoOpAh · 25/12/2011 23:33

Maybe she'd been trying for ages. Maybe she's had a miscarriage previously.

Maybe you've got a big gob and can't keep secrets

But there's loads of reasons people might wanna keep this from someone close to them.

flamegirl77 · 25/12/2011 23:34

Re engagement, maybe she was excited to tell the world with a big announcement.

Re pregnancy, I didn't even tell my parents until 14 weeks and I would have lied if anyone had asked before I was ready to tell. I wouldn't be impressed to be collared and asked.

YuleingFanjo · 25/12/2011 23:36

YABVU, I think you were rude and should have just kept your suspicions to yourself. Being a lifelong friend doesn't give you any conrol over what you are told and not being told doesn't make you any less good friends.

MayaAngelsFromTheRealmsOfCool · 25/12/2011 23:43

Yup, YABU. I would never push someone, anyone, to disclose sensitive information like this, especially when they've already made it clear that they don't wish to tell. That shows a lack of sensitivity and a fundamental lack of respect for their choices and their privacy. That, IMO, would be enough to make me not want to confide in someone. So if she already had this impression of you before you pressed her for information, then by doing so you've confirmed that she's right. It's a good thing, though, that you apologised unreservedly when you realised your mistake.

As well as the above it could be down to any one of the other suggestions on this thread. And although you didn't like what Barf said, I do think, unfortunately, that there may be some truth in that.

If I were in your position I'd be asking myself 'What could I have done to cause this level of distance in our friendship, and can I rectify it?'

It's likely that the cause of the problem is down to both of you, but the best thing you can do right now is try to understand her perspective. And then she should do the same for you.

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 25/12/2011 23:48

Funny Maya you raise I point I had considered, what did I do if anything to cause the distance. Have racked my brains on that one. I am not even sure she would tell me if I asked her nicely, I think she may just play it down. S maybe there is just some distance somehow, and I didn't realise it. Odd though that when she married I played a key part (at her request).

OP posts:

MayaAngelsFromTheRealmsOfCool · 25/12/2011 23:59

Well, clearly this relationship matters a great deal to you. Perhaps the way you ask her might help? Rather than pressing her to give you an answer, you could try repeating your apology over the pregnancy news, and then say that you feel as though you may have upset or hurt her in some other way as well, but you're not sure what exactly it is. You'd like her to know that she means a lot to you and if she ever feels able to talk about it you would be open to just listening and trying to understand. Then leave it there.

I'm leaping to conclusions here, but I'm assuming that since you were willing to press her for sensitive information you may also not be the world's best listener? If there's even a slight possibility that this is true (and even if you think it's unlikely), then if she does open up to you, your best skill would be to make sure you can reflect back what she's said. This requires you to give her your full attention as you'll need to be able to repeat her thoughts and concerns to you accurately and in full. So you listen carefully, then tell her you just want to make sure you've understood her properly, and then you reflect back. She can then correct any misunderstandings.

If this way of listening feels odd or unusual to you, it's probably an indication that your listening skills need fine-tuning!

Hope things work out between you.

Christmascack · 26/12/2011 00:29

Blimey, I totally understand why you feel miffed, my friend did this and to be honest I was hurt and couldn't understand why she didn't tell me about a pregancy but she did tell a mutual friend who is a blabber mouth and told me even though she had been told not to tell me. grrrr. since then the friendship has just sort of died a death, not because of this one episode but for variuos reasons.

I will say though that hopefully she will explain why she lied to you about her pregnancy and then maybe you can clear the air and move on?! Good luck to you, it can be hard with friends, which ones are worth their weight in gold and should be persude, and which ones are better off being left well alone?!

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