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Relationships

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Original poster

Why did she feel unable to confide in me bearing in mind our history?

43 replies

Arachnophobic · 25/12/2011 23:22

I have known my best friend for 28 years, since we were young kids Lots of history, families were friends, confide in each other (or so i thought) you get the picture.

Few week ago I suspected she was first time pregnant as it was her hubbie's significant birthday party at a venue and she wasn't drinking. On my way to the party she called me and said she was on antibiotics. At the party I checked the toilets were clear, dragged her in there, asked her outright. I felt excited. She looked shocked and denied it. I felt so bad I apologised profusely.

Turns out she was pregnant and told me post scan. Now I know many do wait for the scan, I can understand it, but I am upset she felt she couldn't tell me when I asked her privately.

I also found out about her engagement through Facebook when she changed her status to engaged. She didn't call me until afterwards.

AIBU to think it's a bit odd she cant seem able to confide in me and to wonder that our friendship is not what I thought/hoped?

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 26/12/2011 02:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mya2403 · 26/12/2011 03:12

Perhaps she doesn't feel close to you any longer she may feel she's outgrown you.

TroublesomeEx · 26/12/2011 06:54

If I'd been dragged into the toilets (however empty) in the circumstances you describe, I'd have denied it too. Even if I'd been just about to say something. It would be my news to announce in my own way, not news to have dragged out of me in a public loo!!

I'd have more respect for any of my friends that to do what you did to them. You think she should have respected your friendship (presumably) by telling you her private news when you wanted to hear it, I think you should have respected her by recognising she was keeping quiet about something and waited to be told when she felt ready. She'd already given you her reason for not drinking (perhaps because she suspected something like this would happen - can't think of any other reason why she'd give you advance warning of her abstinence!)

It's actually quite normal to wait until after the scan before telling people. Just in case.

TadlowDogIncident · 26/12/2011 07:03

YABU. DH and I didn't tell a soul I was pregnant till the 20-week scan, even our families. I wouldn't have denied it if a close friend had asked me outright, because I'm such a bad liar, but I would have been very angry with the friend for putting me in that position, and to be honest it would have made me think again about the friendship.

saffronwblue · 26/12/2011 07:09

YANBU. It was her news to tell how and where she chose (on both occasions). The news is not just hers but her DH's and she is respecting thier privace as a couple. The engagement on FB is annoying and a bit thoughtless but pregnancy is an intimate experience and not to be dragged out of someone who does not want to tell.

TopazMortmain · 26/12/2011 07:30

YABU.

Sorry!

JinglingAllTheWay · 26/12/2011 08:42

My best friend is similar. YANBU to feel its a bit odd but sometimes that's how people are. Me ad by best friend can sometimes be like this e.g. When we were teenagers we both has our driving tests at the same time
But neither told the other! We both turned up at the test centre and were but neither of us could be cross as neither of us had told the other one!

Sometimes People get a bit funny with telling people things till they have had the all clear from the scan etc. don't take it personally.

JinglingAllTheWay · 26/12/2011 08:43

Sometimes People get a bit funny with telling people things till they have had the all clear from the scan etc. don't take it personally, I don't think she was being unkind, probably just nervous as its her first baby :)

sunshinesue · 26/12/2011 09:00

it sounds like you're taking something personally when you really shouldn't be. I'm 10 weeks pregnant after a year of ttc and a mc, with a potentially high risk pregnancy, I feel EXTREMELY vulnerable. Personally I haven't told close friends as I'm not ready for all the fuss and excitement and can't bear the thought of "undoing" that if something goes wrong. Even if any friends suspect I'd expect them to show a little sensitivity and respect for my decisions and would be horrified if they dragged me in to the ladies and demanded to know. Perhaps your friend WAS planning on telling you after the party but this put her off?

TheSecondComing · 26/12/2011 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hairytaleofnewyork · 26/12/2011 09:16

Yabvu. And it was very very unreasonable to have asked her outright. It is a very personal thing, and she has the right to tell or not tell who she wants when she's ready.

saffronwblue · 26/12/2011 09:20

Sorry I said YANBU when I meant YABU!

Eggrules · 26/12/2011 09:30

We are all entitled to a private life. I agree with those that have said it was wrong of you to force an announcement. It was your friend's choice to decide where and when to share this news and you spoilt this. You tried to force your friend to share something she clearly wasn't ready to and the issue for you is still her behaviour and not yours.

Your friend may not want to confide in you any more. If you still value her friendship, you may be able redeem a relationship.

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 26/12/2011 15:22

Interesting mixed views but before anyone thinks I am running out on my own thread I am going to ask this one to be moved to relationships to see what other views I get there. Thanks all.

OP posts:

ll31 · 26/12/2011 15:48

yabu I think - if you're really friends you respect your friends right to privacy too - friendship to my mind doesn't mean instantly sharin everything. I'd have been seriously annoyed at ur getting her into toilets to ask her - its up to her to tellyou and anyone else when she wants to.

If this is how you behave often then maybe she just has grown away from you and you haven't yet realised it.

Friendship is surely about having things in common, enjoying each others company but also respecting each other

NettleTea · 26/12/2011 19:17

There are lots of reasons, as people have said, why they may deny a pregnancy - even to a very close friend. i wouldnt take it personally as something about you.
similarly the engagement - news like that can always set of people moaning about who was told first - maybe an announcement saves all those problems as to 'how could you have told x and y before you told me' which can marr an otherwise happy occassion

HairyGrotter · 26/12/2011 19:31

YABU and I would take personal offence to a 'friend' taking me to one side to 'confront' me on such a subject.

It was her news to tell, and despite how close you think you are, you may well not even know the history behind the pregnancy and her reasons for keeping schtum, although she has no need to let people know.

nightowlmostly · 26/12/2011 20:05

I agreee with others who say it was BU to ask her outright. When I was pregnant but keeping it quiet until the scan, I realised that people may have guessed, but as long as they didn't ask me if I was then it didn't really matter! As long as, if something had gone wrong, I wouldn't have to deal with the fact of people knowing, feeling sorry for me etc. At least if nobody says anything you can go along with the pretense of everything being fine, which is what i would have needed if the worst had happened.

I do hear of people asking colleagues if they're pregnant, thankfully never happened to me, but I do think it is out of order, if they want to announce it they will! Your friend may have had MCs in the past, you just don't know what her reasons were for keeping quiet, it was wrong to put her on the spot, if it was me I'd be really pissed off at you!

I realise she is your friend, and you want to be close with her, sharing experiences and such, but maybe just take a step back and respect her right to privacy. Sorry if this comes across harsh, I didn't mean it to, but I guess I'm seeing it from her point of view, having just been in the same situation as your friend.

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