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Original poster

How do you break up with the perfect guy?

44 replies

ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 25/12/2011 21:13

when you have no other reason other than you don't feel it any more? It will break his heart, and the thought o doing that to him physically hurts me. I don't know if I could do that to him. But the thought of just staying with him makes me want to cry.

He is the perfect fiancé, we live together, have totally joint lives. He worships me, I am his life and I want to take that away from him. Am I a horrible person?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 25/12/2011 21:15

what's the problem?

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 25/12/2011 21:19

No, you're not a horrible person.

Be sure about what you want though - just in case you break his heart, regret it, realise what a fool you've been but can never go back. Been there, grass is not always greener.

Is there no way you can get back to what you (presumably) had before?

If you're absolutely sure that you want to break it off, then better to do it before you get married.

Good luck anyway.

ImperialBlether · 25/12/2011 21:38

Are you acting, when you're with him? Otherwise, I can't see how one person can be totally happy and the other just uninvolved.

Flanelle · 25/12/2011 22:17

He's NOT the perfect guy if you don't love him enough.

garlicnutcracker · 26/12/2011 01:04

Agree with Flanella. Maybe he ticks all the right boxes but, if he doesn't also "feel like home", he's not the right one for you personally. You'd be doing him a disservice to pretend.

Only one proviso ... If you have a history of abusive relationships, it could be your sense of "home" that's askew, not your relationship. Either way, it sounds wise to at least delay the wedding.

How do you feel about booking a few counselling sessions to clarify your thoughts?

ThompsonTwins · 26/12/2011 22:07

If you break it off, will you be able to cope with seeing him with someone else. On the whole, men go off and find someone else more readily than women. Just saying... Something for you to think about. This is clearly a very difficult time for you so hope you are able to make the decision and get some peace.

starsintheireyes · 27/12/2011 22:15

I second what others have said, make sure youre sure before you break it off. perhaps try imagening seeing him with a new gf in a few weeks, how does that thought make you feel? There are a lot of men out there who will move on super fast, my exp moved on after 6 wks! I know friends its happened to also. As someone else said, the grass isnt always greener and sometimes you dont realise what youve got till its gone so make sure youre making the right choice. gd luck

solidgoldbrass · 27/12/2011 23:23

It's worth considering why you don't feel love for him. Did you previously do so? Because if you did, what changed?
If it's a situation where he is a nice, mentally healthy, solvent, pleasant-looking, ethical man who you simply don't fancy but everyone else is telling you he's perfect and to shut up and be grateful because you Need A Man, bear in mind that it's fine to be single and that it's perfectly OK not to love someone. Just be kind about dumping him.

Original poster
ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 23/01/2012 23:51

sorry to bump this but still unsure what to do. on boxing day I tried to break things off, but my uncertainty made me back down and he cried, first time I've ever seen him cry in the 4 years I've known him.

so I backed down and blamed it on hormones. But I still dont know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 23/01/2012 23:56

But then again, what if it is just hormones...? because it would fit with my cycle...

since 26th, its been ok-ish , but he's been a lot more clingy which puts me off, and we've only had sex once since.

I dont dream about him. He told me he dreams about me most nights and I lied and said I never remember my dreams

OP posts:
Original poster
ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 24/01/2012 00:29

please someone tell me what I need to do, cos I have no fucking clue

OP posts:
izzyskungheifatchoy · 24/01/2012 00:40

What are you saying here? That once a month you can't stand him and want him out of your life, and the remainder of the time you're madly in love with him?

fortyplus · 24/01/2012 00:48

I'm in a similar position...

...except that I'm still here about 23 years after I felt like you did.

It doesn't go away.

We've had happy times and brought up our boys in a loving, stable family environment. But now they're mid-late teens and dh thinks it's time for us to be together more but I'm just looking for every opportunity to do things without him.

Don't get me wrong - we have fun with friends and I'm lucky that ds1 and I share the same sporting interest so we spend lots of time together - but honestly it probably would've been better for both of us if I'd been praver all those years ago.

If we separate now dh will think our whole relationship has been a lie. It hasn't - but I've made him very unhappy by being honest with him more recently.

Just like you - I torture myself with thoughts that I'm totally selfish. At other times I think maybe I've been a martyr and put everyone elses's happiness before my own.

My advice... be kind and tell him how sorry you are to hurt him. But split before it's too late.

fortyplus · 24/01/2012 00:49

oops braver

CrystalsAreCool · 24/01/2012 06:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleDameSansMerci · 24/01/2012 07:00

What Crystals said. He sounds a little intense. Apologies, and without wishing to be patronising, if he is very young (under 30 - I'm old) I could understand the clingy adoration stuff but if he is older then I would find it concerning.

How you break up with him is to have your split prepared in advance - somewhere to go and not too much tied up in joint finances. Then you have to sit down and tell him that you're not happy etc. It will hurt you both but, actually, it's not really fair on him if you stay in the relationship. It's certainly not being true to yourself either.

Good luck.

kodachrome · 24/01/2012 07:02

I think it's pretty weird to dream about someone every night - sounds like over-blown what someone-thinks-is-romantic-but-isn't twaddle. Sounds like a lie or obsession to me.

I agree with crystals - he sounds like he's expecting a hell of a lot if he is waiting to hear you dream about him every night and anything less is disappointing somehow.

kodachrome · 24/01/2012 07:04

And worship isn't sexy (unless you're into domination Grin).

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 24/01/2012 07:13

i've done it before. like you we were engaged and living together in our own home.

i remember taking him out into the garden and telling him that i loved him and there was nothing that he'd done wrong and that we were 'fine' but that i felt like this wasn't my path and there was stuff i had to do out there and that i was sure there was for him too. he was a lovely guy and we were so easy together etc but there was no real chemistry anymore, sex was rare and unwanted really by me and i kept getting this sinking feeling of how much more i was meant to do and experience and how if i stayed with him none of that would happen.

we were young which helped to explain it i guess and to explain why i felt the need to move on despite everything being 'ideal' to outsiders. but i don't think it is a thing only of a certain age - i think life calls you on sometimes, it's like there's some inner compass that knows you're not there yet and you've wandered off the path. woo sounding i know but...?

there's no law that says you have to get married and settle down and be with someone permanently, nor a law that says you can't be single for much of your life and then in your later years find someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. some people that inner compass just keeps moving them on and love is always replaced by a sense of being stuck, not happy and needing to move on and grow more. it doesn't have to mean there's something 'wrong' with you or you have 'commitment issues'. we're all different.

sorry if random waffle doesn't help.

you may feel regret sometimes - i occasionally do when life seems hard and like a never ending journey and the grass looks greener back when it was safe and easy - but reality is that i believe i'd have felt a lot more regret, and done a lot more damage if i had drowned that voice and stayed and married him.

Ephiny · 24/01/2012 07:39

Doesn't sound perfect to me either, more like clingy, needy and suffocating. Maybe some women would like all that 'you're my whole life, I dream about you every night' stuff, but I wouldn't be able to stand it personally!

But what it comes down to is this - if you don't want to marry him, you don't want to. Doesn't matter what you (or anyone else) think you should want, if he's not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, then don't marry him. You have a choice here.

I think you need to tell him plainly how you feel, don't back down because he turns on the tears. He's a grown man with a life and future of his own, he will cope fine without you if need be.

catwithflowers · 24/01/2012 08:17

Wise post, Santa

overmydeadbody · 24/01/2012 08:27

I think in situations like these, a seperation first, before any permenant decisions are made, might be good.

You need to go away, on your own, for a few weeks, a month, longer, to properly decide how you feel, whether you love him or not, whether the grass is greener.

But you don't have to marry him. OR stay with him. Even if he is the perfect guy. He might not be the perfect guy for you.

LadyMedea · 24/01/2012 10:30

Get thee to a counsellor.... just a couple of sessions with one helped me clarify that I didn't want to marry my - lovely in every way just not for me - fiance. It was a good decision and I've never regretted it... but you might find it takes you the other way. The key thing is a safe space to explore it - you can't do that with your fiance as it will just be too painful for him.

Original poster
ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 24/01/2012 15:07

LadyMedea would I be able to get anything like that free anywhere or would I have to pay? It's times like this j just wish my mum stayed closer so that I could talk to her. But I low that if I tried to tell her over the phone, then I would cry which would upset her being so far away and unable to do anything

It's got to the point where I just want to cheat so that he has a reason to hate me. If I give him a reason to stop loving me himself, and let him leave me, surely it will be easier for him to move on from? I know deep down that this wouldn't be fair but it seems like the easy way out :(

OP posts:
kodachrome · 24/01/2012 15:13

No it's not the easy way out. It's a way of making absolutely sure you fuck it up and can never go back. It's a way of causing him enormous pain and damage to his self-esteem that he doesn't deserve. It's a way of making you feel really awful about yourself.

Can you go and see your mum for a few days and get your head sorted out away from him?

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