How do you break up with the perfect guy?

[ThoseArentSpiritFingers]

when you have no other reason other than you don't feel it any more? It will break his heart, and the thought o doing that to him physically hurts me. I don't know if I could do that to him. But the thought of just staying with him makes me want to cry.

He is the perfect fiancé, we live together, have totally joint lives. He worships me, I am his life and I want to take that away from him. Am I a horrible person?

Maybe you could then end it over the phone? And get things sorted from a distance.

riding don't cheat it won't do yours or his self esteem any good in the long run, you need to remain honest to yourself and him, but I'm afraid you're going to have to have 'the talk' with him and explain how you feel, I am sorry your mum doesn't live closer

lady has a good suggestion, counselling can help, I've had some after my divorce and it really did help.

The best thing you can do for your partner is to be strong, be decisive and end the relationship. You are doing no favours to him, let alone to yourself, by waffling and dragging things out.

It will be hard. It will be painful. He may beg, plead and cry. He will likely be angry with you. You will be resolute, respectful, kind and firm. You will then start to distance yourself physically and emotionally and you will limit and eventually cut contact.

Know that you cannot make the breakup easier for him in any way. You cannot cushion it, you cannot comfort him. You cannot be that person for him. It doesn't work that way. He will be sad and need to grieve and so will you. You will have regrets, which is normal, but that will be for you to manage your way through.

Your posts come across to me very strongly that you already know in your heart what you want to do. You're just afraid to execute. Which is understandable but you really need to stop indulging that fear because you will keep cycling back to the same unhappy place.

For what it's worth, I am giving you advice from the perspective of the person in the relationship who was dumped. Good luck.

I am in a similatr situation but on the other side of the fence, DW told me over the xmas period that she was not in love with me anymore, apparantly there has been nothing I have done but we have grown appart.

Don't go off and cheat, as much as I hate the thought of it (from my situation) you need to be true to yourself. Perhaps conselling would help for you both to understand where your at, certainly might make it easier for you both to move on........I wish you all the best

I did this and split with the man I had been with for 9 years. Nothing wrong with him, as santa said, life was safe and easy but we had been together so long it was a case of either marrying him or leaving him. I just couldn't marry him so I knew I had to let him go. There was nothing wrong with hi, good provider, kind, good in the house. It was like living with a flatmate though, I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore. I had tried breaking up with him a couple of years earlier but I had wavered and he had seen that and seized on it. He refused to leave and I ended up sticking it for a couple more years. When I finally did it again I was much firmer and made sure he knew I was serious and this was it, no going back. This time he left immediately after I told him and moved back in with his parents. You have to let him know that you mean it. After he left I broke down and sobbed and felt absolutely bereft but I would never have let him see me like that as I didn't want to give him any idea that he could win me back.

I convinced myself that I was his world, he had no friends, no life, would never find anyone else, was condemning him to be sad and lonely. Utter nonsense. He had convinced himself that I was his world, I was his first serious girlfriend so it wasn't that he couldn't be with anyone else, he just couldn't imagine it. I genuinely thought he would be on his own for a while and I would be ruining his life [arrogant]

When I did split with him he played all sorts of nasty tricks and really wore me down trying to get me back. It was horrible but I stayed firm and felt such relief it was over.

Within 2 months he had met someone else and almost 4 years on he is married to her and thankfully we have no contact at all. He clearly did find someone else who made him much happier and treats him as he deserves.

Don't convince yourself he couldn't manage without you, you are doing both him and yourself a great disservice. He will get over it and you will both probably be happier. It is horrible at first but if you stick to your guns you will both work it out. You both deserve to be happy and he can't be happy with someone who deep down, doesn't want to be with him.

yes i know it sounds crazy but i'd bet he'll be with and in love with someone within a matter of months.

people like this are the commitment types who like and need to be in a relationship so they replace them quickly.

mine was with someone within a few months who he has been with ever since and they made 100k equity on the house i chose and bought with him but signed over because it was me who wanted to leave. he really has come out of it more than fine and is probably happier and more secure in many ways than me (definitely financially) but then he always would be because he is the type with a honing device to ease and security and contentment. if not with me, then with someone else.

that link is not even written in literate english so god knows what the ebook is like. if you're trying to promote it i'd get someone to write better copy on that webpage for you.

On the counselling front, if you are on low/no income many providers (including Relate) will consider a reduced rate. Other options are if your employer offers any kind of counselling as part of your benefits - mine has a telephone service.

Do talk to your Mum, don't worry too much about her getting upset, I'm sure she would rather you tell her. She may also be able to offer outside insight into the situation. I wish I'd listened to my Mum when she ever so carefully said 'Are you sure he's enough for you?'....

Since when did you need a better reason than you don't like someone anymore and don't want to marry them to break up with them? These are all fundamental reasons to be sad, but to move on and let him move on too.

gp's recently got a lot of the mental health funding transfered direct to them so they should have counsellors within surgeries so try talking to your gp. the idea was to provide more direct access services i think - not sure how enforced it has been across the board but surgeries are meant to be using those funds on mental health services.

He keeps on asking what's changed, why my feelings have changed. But tear questions have no answers.

It's so hard being strong, he cried he's been sick, I'm going to stay at my uncles round the corner, have keys to his flat while he works away, and I think my mum is sorting out time off and flights as we speak.

He's agreed to a week apart, but is adamant it's just a rough patch that we can work through. I've tried saying that there's nothing either of us has done wrong that needs fixed, and that I can't change how I feel, how do I make him understand this without being a complete cold hearted bitch? But any sugar coating might make him think there's still a chance. And maybe there is, but just now I don't think so. Bit are you ever sure about these things?

Sorry for the waffle, spoke to him last night, stayed at a friends an just back now talking things over. He's gone for a shower just now.

Any advice on what things to say to stop myself backing down? I feel like I'm just repeating myself.

I'm working at 12, he was meant to as well but isn't going in. Says he can't face it, and doesn't want to cry at work. He told his boss and she seems ok with it.

He clearly doesn't want to hear what you're saying... it may be that taking action is the only way you'll get through to him. Do you have a plan for finding somewhere else to live, dividing your finances etc?

Good luck, it is a miserable situation for both of you but sounds like you're doing the right thing.

He doesn't get to agree to a week apart or be adamant that it's a rough patch - you feel what you feel, it is what it is. Your feelings are as important as his. And it's over. You don't want to be with him anymore, and that's valid, and that's ok.

You don't owe him a relationship. Nobody owes anyone a relationship. You don't even owe him talking it through any further. You've said what you needed to say.

If he doesn't want to accept your decision, that's his problem, because he can't make you stay in a relationship you don't want. And if he loved you as much as he claims, he wouldn't want to keep you through emotional blackmail or reluctantly - who wants a lover who doesn't want them equally?

You don't owe him any more conversation on this. And I truly wouldn't engage with him anymore. It's just dragging it out and giving him the opportunity to wear you down. And think about it - why would he want you back through having worn you down? That's not a healthy 'love' he's offering you. Stop being so nice and so apologetic.

stuck record time. 'it's over'. 'there's nothing to sort out, it's over'. 'i don't want to be with you anymore, it's over'. etc etc.

Its not too bad now, stuck in limbo until my mum gets here tomorrow, I'm still in the flat , he wants to still be friends and if that can work I want that too. So things are sort of normal but he seems to accept that it's happening.

Is this ever a decision that you 100% know your are making the right choice? Because I'm not 100% sure. I'm mostly sure but there is still a nigglong doubt.