It does get better.

[ElusiveCamel]

Last Christmas was just 3.5 weeks after I told my husband I wanted out. He only moved out this year in March so at Christmas we were still very much acting normally for our DS (who was 3 at the time).

It was awful. My little boy was so happy and all I could think about was how it was his "last family Christmas", how he'd never have another "proper" Christmas and the knowledge of what was going to happen seemed so terrible and unforgivable.

One year on and we're all OK, so much happier than I could've imagined a year ago. It's really difficult, especially at Christmas, to let go of the image in your head of what you thought your and your children's future would be, but if you're in an unhealthy relationship then that image is just an illusion anyway.

If you're in the same situation this year, either recently separated or in an unhappy relationship and contemplating it, please believe that it will be OK. That if Christmas has made you miserable this year, it won't always be like this. Hang in there

Never been through anything like this but wanted to say what a lovely, supportive, thoughtful post. I hope it rings true for lots of people who are having a difficult time. Merry Christmas!

I'm having a hideous stressful Christmas at my parents, with my DH 'visiting' during the days to see my DS and me, while he decides whether he is leaving temporarily or permanently. I feel horrendous. I'm pregnant. It feels like nothing will ever get better at all... Reading this made me cry, but in a good way. I know that my image of the future I expected is falling apart... I have no idea what may happen. I'm so scared, and sad. I feel abandoned. But I know that eventually I'll pick myself up again because I have no choice. Thank you for telling me it will be better eventually, I need to hear it today.

Made my eyes well up too... My ex DP came over to see our DD(4) yesterday. We've never lived together and, just when it was going to happen he got cold feet and found a warm welcome elsewhere. The fact that he doesn't want me is tearing me apart (even though he has never been good for me). I'm grieving for what "should" have been. My DD has no idea and I'll keep it that way.

I hope 2012 is a lovely year for us all.

Thanks Elusive. I'm considering leaving my husband because of his drinking, he's currently passed out upstairs.

This time last year, I was waiting for (abusive) X to leave. I felt sick, painfully so. I worried about how I would manage, both physically and mentally. I was however hopeful that when he left we'd be free to live, to breathe and to be happy.

I have grown so very much this year, it's been so hard at times, so scary to have to face life, people, men in particular, when all I wanted to do was run and hide from everyone and everything. I lived with the feelings of abject failure and monumental stupidity at having put up with his insane behaviour and cruel abuse for so long.

A year on and while I wobbled like a jelly all day yesterday, in tears for much of the morning, mourning the loss of the hope of him ever waking up and being a normal, loving P, a doting and involved father, knowing that the chances of that happening in the future are gone, but also know now that they were never going to happen anyway.

I've recently had someone hurl a metaphorical hand grenade into my life and have re-evaluated everything. I've recently started the internet dating thing; literally only a couple of weeks ago and I'd have laughed in the face of anyone that suggested I try it.

I've been on a coffee date already (went VERY well) and am chatting to a lovely, lovely man and may arrange to meet him too at some point.

OK so life is not perfect, far from it, but it is peaceful, it is stable and there is HOPE.

I may have cried yesterday, but I am not crying today. I am looking to the future, and wondering what will happen next. For the first time in over 10 years, I am kind of excited about my life!

I have to give a MASSIVE nod to MN on this score though, I have had so much wonderful on board and off board support. I have been utterly blown away by the kindness of strangers, the PMs I got when he left will stay with me forever.

MN has helped me so much and I feel indebted to everyone here. I've been hugged and loved when I needed it, booted up the bum when I needed that too, but throughout supported and cared for when I really needed it.

It was MN that alerted me to the fact that the life I lived was not right, and it was MN that helped me stay strong while I wriggled free, and it is MN that is helping put back the pieces.

It will get better, and sooner than anyone thinks.

If I can ever help anyone, I'm ready, willing and here.... It's the least I can do...

Houdini - just wanted to say you have helped lots of people on here already (me included) and I'm glad your life is going so much better now.

Happy Christmas!

Aw, thanks malinkey! Happy christmas love!

go girls, wishing you all the strength you needxx

sillywmama, JingleBelleDameSansMerci & OnemorningXmasCockMonkey Your situations all sound heartbreaking :( I hope that you're able to get through the New Year OK and that 2012 marks the beginning of happier times.

HoHoHoudini Good luck for 2012 too. Sounds like you're heading towards exciting things in your new life :)

Needed to see this today.

My not so dh left 3 weeks ago when our ds was 3 weeks old and dd 13 months old. All I could think today was that my ds is never going to have this "family christmas" and my dd will only have 1 and even then she was only 5 weeks old.

Exh hasn't tried to speak/see either of them in the last couple weeks and i thought he would today at least.

Thankyou for reminding me that life goes on and this does get easier. But i just can't comprehend this on behalf of my dc

My xh announced in October 2009 he didnt love me anymore didnt know what to do and was generally a mess - not sleeping, eating properly and drinking even more than his usual shed load. We talked and a lot of stuff came out but with the underlying theme of me trying to persuade him to stay and we could sort it out.

By mid November he had a rented place sorted to move into Jan 1st as we wanted the DC (then 10 and 13) to have a last family Christmas . I kept it together but Iorr was soooo terrified that the DC would somehow fall apart and their lives be shattered by our break up. I felt they had a lovely little world with a nice home,friends,school etc and that everything would be destroyed.

Interestingly though after October for myself I was glad in a way he was moving out as having had so much forced out into the open I had had to take my head out of the sand and look at what our marriage was really like. He was pretty rotten to me and my god if I had known about MN while we were still together I think I would have woken up to the facts long before.

However he did also pick up an ow along the way , someone he was confiding all this going on with us. I told him that that put a different complexion on things and I wasnt waiting until January for him to leave so he promised to have nothing to do with her.

In the early hours of Christmas Eve I , for only the third time ever, looked ot his mobile phone (prised from his fully clothed passed out self) and found a message to the OW saying I love You. I threw him out there and then in the middle of the night with shocked DC looking on, it was awful beyond awful.

It was ironic after all the subterfuge and keeping it all secret so the DC could have a lovely christmas . I managed to dig deep and let him come home Christmas Eve lunchtime and we had the Christmas day that was planned , in hindsight I have no idea how I think I went on autopilot.

So 2 years ago today I woke up and suddenly thought no you arent taking me for a doormat and mug the way you have for the last decade at least and told him I wasnt waiting until January I wanted him out immediately.

F

Like the op, last christmas x had told me he was leaving after 6 months of messing about and changing his mind (OW of course). I held it together through christmas, knowing it was our last. This year has not been perfect, DD has a bug, but it has been a more peaceful christmas than I have had for many years. No more walking on eggshells, and no pressure on myself to deliver a 'perfect family christmas'.

Being single is better than being in an unhappy relationship and I am glad to be out.

Ooops pressed wrong button

To finish my story firstly my DC were so calm about it all and handled it really well. I now realise they had far greater awareness that things were wrong between xh and I. Also we have done all the things you should and despite an underlying mutual dislike of each other we remain civil and speak respectfully of one another to them. We both stick to the access we agreed and he never messes them or me about and vice versa. I know my DD sometimes struggles , not with the split itself but the way she has to slot into his new family (hes still with the OW who has 5 DC all with gfs dc etc) but I cant influence that. Otherwise they have remained happy with their friends, same school performance etc etc and all my worrying was for nothing thank goodness.

As to me well lots of you have trodden this path and at times its been terrible, I finally understood the term heartbroken it really is a physical thing. I had counselling for abit and set about making sure I wasnt destroyed because I felt I had given up so much of my life already to someone I loved a great deal but they just didnt feel the same about me. I read self help books and generally did every last thing I could to move on with as much dignity as possible.

So now and in fact for the past year I am happier than in years . It was like unravelling all the awful stuff that went on. If only I had known about MN during my marriage it has helped me understand so much about his emotional and abuse and controlling ways.

There are possibilities for the future now and I look in the mirror and know I am not degrading myself and making excuses all the time for someones poor treatment of me. I am at peace , I do what I want, eat what I want, watch TV programmes I like etc etc etc etc without being judged sneered at . I dont have some oaf smashing through the door and passing out every night and having to say to the dcs "Oh Daddy is just really tired"

I could write screeds but as I already Have I will stop

So yes it gets better , better than better in fact its bloody brilliant

It's lovely to read of others in the same boat.

Xh left in september, I was worried for months about xmas too.
In fact DD and I have had the best xmas day in 3 years.
Xh came to bring DD her gifts, I just got on with lunch.

Like Bitchyhen said no walking on eggshells, I'd been trying to be the best wife for a man who clearly wasn't interested.
He's been cheating for 3 years and has another child with ow.
I have a suspicion that he's had affairs before too, I'd thought he was the world's most faithfull man.
Hollow laughter!

Well the joke's on him, we're doing great. It's been bloody hard emotional stuff but we're coming through it and now see xh for what he truly is.

I am so glad that he's gone

What a lovely idea for a thread.
Last Christmas had me in tears as SS were on our case because of his violence and ex couldn't even be bothered to speak to his DS on Christmas Day. To see a little boy's face when he expected to speak to his Dad on the phone broke my heart. This year we had giggles, tickles, laughter and happy chaos. It was a lovely day. Still surrounded by toys and mess but it's wonderful. And I have made some great friends both RL and on MN.
I never believed time would help and heal, but it does. So strength to everyone, walking on eggshells is no life.

Great thread. I take heart that this phase is one that I can look back on in a few years time and remember that things have got better and that I (and DS) are in a better place. Thoughts with those whose DC have not had any contact with absent parents.

I've been in the living room watching Dirty Dancing on telly. I remembered when I first watched it with my mum, in that same room, when my parents were happily married (so I thought).

They divorced a few years later, and it was horrible at the time. I never thought I'd enjoy a Christmas again. There were some awkward ones in between, and even when things improved, I'd still get upset at Christmas because I missed her (she left and now we don't talk).

Tonight, I'm sitting watching it with my dad's wonderful partner and my stepsister. I felt really happy in that company, and we are all so much happier now. It just made me think how far we'd come and it seems so strange that there was a time when I thought we'd never be happy again.

And I'm in the spare room on a mattress on the floor after 25 years of a volatile relationship. We will separate, don't know when.

Thank you for a heartwarming and encouraging post.

I have a close friend in a very long very unhappy marriage and I often think if only I could bottle how I am now and show her then she might have the courage to take action

Thanks for this. My dh left in oct/nov and I have had a hard Christmas surrounded by my sisters, their partners and children - the picture of togetherness. V conscious of the odd numbers at the table and H's absence. V tough. Although I know that it will get better it is difficult to actually comprehend this.

Blueballs and sillywmama I'm in a similar situation - now 20 weeks pg. I wonder how these awful men can do this to us. Mine seems to have detached v easily. Bastards

Hope all of you ladies are doing OK? You got through it and that's the main thing.

Okay, but feeling fragile. I know I'll survive whatever happens :)

Thanks for this thread. As I was preparing for this Christmas I thought to myself that this would probably be the last one with DP, if not definetly next year.

I feel really bad for DD as she is quite sensitive and vv close to her Dad. But I'm hoping she'll understand in the long run.

My last Xmas with Exp and 2 dcs, following the discovery of his 2 affairs. Been a horrible few days, he's kept asking "have you had a nime time" and I've just wanted to punch him in the face. DCs have had a great time, but its so sad knowing that next week I have to tell my DS that the man who has been part of his life for the last 3.5 years is leaving (my dd is 18 months so one less painful conversation to have)
Reading these posts have given me hope that I will get through this and have a normal, peaceful life with my kids. So thank you MN's, much much appreciated x