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Original poster

On a scale of 'no big deal' to 'omg crazy' how bad is this?

34 replies

PengPeng · 24/12/2011 02:10

I went out tonight. It was a slightly frantic evening (just for background info). Got to friend's house at 7. DD was having dinner at her dad's house (separated; she's there a lot but never stays overnight) and he was going to give her a bath at my house and then put her to bed. I was going to go home at 9.30, but then it was quite fun so got home at 10.

Knocked on the door for a while, no response. Had given DD's dad my only key, not possible to go round the back or anything. Got a bit worried so rang his phone. No answer. Long story short: spent 20 mins hammering on the door/shouting through letterbox/ringing my landline and his mobile. Checked if his car was there and found it so deduced they must be in my house. Finally rang police who were going to take a while coming round. 15 mins later (so 35 mins after I started banging on the door) he finally let me in - he'd been asleep in DD's room (at front of house).

Background: he is on antidepressants as well as antipsychotics which make him very drowsy. This is one of the reasons I won't let DD stay at his house. Has been sleepy (slow to answer door) before, but never this bad.

I got very scared. And then angry. Because there has been a lot of awful stuff, I'm not sure how bad this is. Can I ever let him look after her in the evening again? How to enjoy Christmas without being full of resentment?

OP posts:

LadyBeckenham · 24/12/2011 02:13

How old is DD?

Original poster

PengPeng · 24/12/2011 02:13

Oh should have said - just under 3.

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 24/12/2011 02:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmileItsSeasonal · 24/12/2011 03:40

Was DD asleep too?
If so, you say he was in DDs room (so presumably would have heard her if she woke) I'm not sure how bad it is. Was his phone in same room too?

reckon you should get another key cut though.

Killergerbil · 24/12/2011 03:47

eeek - don't think I would let him be sole carer at a time when he mith be tired - poor you - just what you needed as a downer after a great night

mynewpassion · 24/12/2011 03:50

Not that big of a deal. Sorry it happened but you should get another key made.

Catslikehats · 24/12/2011 03:54

Ok there is obviously a big back story here but what you have posted is not bad. I appreciate there are probably other issues but getting angry in the circumstances you have described is beyond unfair.

He fell asleep whilst putting your DD to sleep - I've done this a million times when putting my own DC to bed, as has DH.

Not hearing someone hammering on your door, or a phone in another room is not unusual and it is certainly not unreasonable to fall asleep at 9:30/10pm. It's not as if he was asleep on the sofa at 3pm whilst DD ran riot.

You got home later than you said, you let him have your only means of entry to your house, whilst aportioning blame is not helpful I am afraid this situation is mainly of your own doing. You need to apologise to your ex and certainly shouldn't feel resentful.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 24/12/2011 04:05

If your dd's df is going to be putting her to bed in her own home after you've gone out, I would suggest you get another key cut.

What would you have thought had you been able to open your front door yourself and found him asleep on your return?

My concern is that you have said that the medication he is taking makes him very drowsy yet he apparently drove dd from his place to yours. After you'd woken him up from what was obviously a deep sleep, did he drive himself home?

IDontDoIroning · 24/12/2011 06:01

Get a spare key cut.

Original poster

PengPeng · 24/12/2011 08:32

Yes, he drove himself home (10 mins) after 1.5 hrs of 'heated discussion', and frequently drives after taking his medication, most days actually.

It was quite scary last night. I don't think it's safe for DD to be on her own with someone who doesn't hear half an hour of noise. He always has his phone on him, house phone was 5 metres away from him and is very loud (I could hear it from outside even when not looking through letterbox) plus I probably disturbed most of my street with the knocking/banging/shouting directly under DD's window.

OP posts:

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 24/12/2011 08:38

I don't think I'd leave a child that young with someone who is hard to wake. I am/was full on PFB though so my response may not be "normal".

esperance · 24/12/2011 09:53

In my experience clinically, this sort of deep grogginess is probably caused by the anti-psychotic(s) rather than the ADs. How long has he been on them?

Why is he driving etc. after taking his meds? Can't he take his meds right before bedtime to avoid this ?

I am familiar with the sort of drug-induced grogginess you are talking about and I would not want to leave a young child in the care of someone in this state.

Winkly · 24/12/2011 10:41

Hmm. Don't think you're being unreasonable actually. I am imagining him being that hard to rouse during a fire, or if your daughter somehow got ill or injured in the night.

I think the earlier poster blaming you for being home half an hour later than expected was unhelpful and rather missing the point.

Nothing bad actually happened however so do try to put it behind you and stick to daytime visits, and do get a second key cut.

PattySimcox · 24/12/2011 10:43

What Wrinkly said

etJeviensEntretesReindeers · 24/12/2011 10:48

I would be far more concerned that someone in sole care of my 3yo is in need of anti psychotic medication...what if he forgot to take it, what would happen then?

esperance · 24/12/2011 12:11

^Just to answer the question about forgetting to take meds.

Forgetting to take an anti-psychotic e.g. quetiapine, is extremely unlikely to lead to an episode of psychosis or mania. (Forgetting once in a while is what I am talking about thought.)

overmydeadbody · 24/12/2011 12:18

I don't think it is that bad, really.

I'm presuming your nearly 3yr old also slept through half an hour of noise? Or did the phone/banging wake her? If she slept through it and he slept through it it was probably just not loud enough to disturb their sleep. Doesn't mean he wouldn't have woken up if it had been your DD screaming. That would have probably woken him. It's well known that sleep deprived parents can sleep through almost anything but wake at the slightest noise from their DC. I have read stories of mothers who sleep through cars crashing into their homes and only wake up because the baby starts crying.

Not the end of the world. Don't let it spoil your Christmas OP.

TheLightPassenger · 24/12/2011 12:26

I agree with ODMB, that it's not that bad (NB I am not aware of any of your backstory OP). You must have had a real fright, but I do feel a bit sorry for your ex, being yelled at, as it's not his fault he is so sleepy, given he is taking prescribed medication. I am sure most of us will have very occasionally drifted off briefly during the day when tired/unwell at home with the kid(s). Other people have raised sensible points re:driving/timing of taking meds.

Original poster

PengPeng · 24/12/2011 13:35

Esperance - that is actually his medication. He's not forgotten it in the 12 months he's been on it.

I have suggested not driving, but there's no way I can convince him. I do worry about fires. 10pm is usually the latest I get home, and it's only occasionally.

OP posts:

colditz · 24/12/2011 13:41

I don't think he did anything wrong. You certainly shouldn't have been having a go at him for 90 minutes afterwards. He fell asleep whilst putting his daughter to bed - I've done it countless times.

Chandon · 24/12/2011 13:42

main prob was you did not have spare key. Not his fault.

TooEasilyTempted · 24/12/2011 14:01

Not that bad.

Your haven't said but i presume your DD also slept thru the half hour of noise?

I've had the same situation with my DH and he's not even on any medication, he's just a deep sleeper. I think you're over reacting.

coppertop · 24/12/2011 14:15

If dd slept through it too then I would take that as a gauge of how loud the knocking and ringing was. If she woke up and he didn't hear her either then it would be more worrying.

Otherwise I don't think it was all that bad to have been in a deep sleep at 10pm.

The driving when drowsy would worry me though.

Original poster

PengPeng · 24/12/2011 14:22

No, DD didn't wake up, she would have done if she'd been in a lighter sleep phase though. Believe me, I was knocking very loudly.

I didn't have a go at him for 90 mins, we both talked to each other and ended on a peaceful note when DD woke up and her dad left. I didn't shout (I think), was mostly too shocked.

I think if we generally had a good relationship and still live together, this wouldn't have been a big deal. I've heard friend's talk about having to climb in the window because their DHs are asleep, and they always laugh about it. But they don't have mental health issues or problems trusting their DCs' dads.

OP posts:

thunderboltsandlightning · 24/12/2011 14:28

"I don't think it's safe for DD to be on her own with someone who doesn't hear half an hour of noise."

You're right it isn't. I also don't think it's safe emotionally for a three year old to be on her own with someone who is so mentally ill that he's taking anti-psychotic medication.

Why is she round there a lot? Clearly she's not just popping round to see him if she's a toddler.

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