DP and alcohol. Long, sorry.

[misty0]

I cant talk to anyone in RL aobut this and just need a shoulder i think. There are people with worse situations out there than mine, i know. So i'm sorry if this sounds a bit pathetic, but here goes:

(So as not to drip feed i'll try to include as much as poss)

I've been living with my DP for nearly 4 years. I love him to bits and he loves me. He's quite a 'blokey' sort of guy outwardly, with alot of swagger, and has a history (pre me) of alcohol and drug abuse, petty crime and disasterous unloving relationships. Over the 18 months we were seeing each other before we moved in together our relationship involved alot of drinking together. My alcohol consumption went up a bit - his went WAY down, as he gradually began only drinking at the weekends with me, instead of all day every day either alone at home or in the pub.

I want to add here I love him because with me he is loving, affectionate, kind, caring, funny, gentle, loyal, protective and he's gorgeous. We have a great sex life. He says that i am the best thing that has ever happened to him - and i feel the same about him. He is my soul mate. Since we've been together he's held down a steady job and has had nothing more to do with drugs or crime at all. He is a hard working guy, proud of me and his home and is lovely company. Even my mum likes him! His family are all very happy and relieved he seems so happy and settled now.

There's a big 'BUT ...' coming now, obviously.

The first couple of years we lived together we would drink quite heavily together most Saturday nights. Just us at home, watching telly and having a laugh. As his tollerance for alcohol went down and he began to get pissed on a 'normal' amount of alcohol however, it started to be that occasionally (maybe once every 2 months or so) towards the end of the evening he would turn really nasty. Get abusive and say awful things to me. Sometimes we would drink, go to bed, make love, go to sleep - all fine. Then he'd wake in the night and be a total bastard - swearing at me, calling me names, shoving me about, crashing about the house not knowing where the bathroom is, getting nasty in bed, ect. I'd go to sleep crying and he would be oblivious. In the morning he remembers nothing about it at all. He believes me that its happened, not least because its happened with ex's of his in the past. He is always sorry and ashamed. He comes up with a stratergies to avoid it happening again such as changing what he's drinking (he now stays away from spirits) or defining an amount we think he can drink 'safely' (Current stratergy - up to 8 cans only and never on an empty stomach)

The problems are,
a) There are times when the limit goes out of the window and he just wants to drink everything in the house and stay up till its all gone.

b) There are times when he gets out of control even under his self imposed limit.

c) He is very disinclined to want to talk about 'limits' and how much booze is in the house and available for him to drink, unless we've just had one of these awful bloody nights and the subject is up.

To bring you right up to date - i fell pregnant in January this year and we were both utterly over the moon. I stopped drinking completely, of course, and he would just have a can or two every other weekend. Blissfully happy. I lost the baby though, at almost 4 months and that hit us both very hard.

After we lost the baby neither of us had a drink for 5 months or so. We have both started having a couple on a Saturday though in an attempt to 'lighten up' a bit about ttc as we were both getting a bit bogged down with it all. Vitamin pills and god knows what else. He is still drinking alot less than he used to, to improve our chances of conceiving, but i can see the old pattern starting again - the excitement about 'having a few later'. The need to have 'a bit extra in the house'. The count down to 6 o'clock on a Saturday evening when 'we can kick off'. Then about 4 weeks ago he woke in the night after a few drinks and was abusive and frightening again. i came down stairs and sobbed my heart out. I shake with fear when he's like that.

I'm struggling mentaly a bit at the moment after the loss of our baby. I'm more emotional and tearful than usual, but i am getting better. 2 nights ago, 'because its xmas' we had a few drinks together. I had 2 and he ended up getting rat arsed. He threw it all up before we went to bed as it happens, however, and all was ok. However i spent the whole evening till bed time watching the clock wanting the evening over with, worried and scared in case it all went tits up again. I hated every second of it. I was awake all night and everytime he moved my heart was thumping in case he was waking up like that again. He senses i'm worried - and has promised 'he'll be good over xmas' - but i'm a nervous wreck. He doesnt know how paranoid i'm getting.

Thank you for getting through all this. Just needed to share it all.

One of the loveliest women I know is married to an alcoholic. She is crazy, madly in love with him. He is a truly lovely man.
Her life is hell

You have a wonderful relationship most of the time. He has so many qualities that you admire. There is just this one flaw which happens so occasionally that you can live with it. His good points outweigh the very rare occasions when he is violent towards you. Is this what you are really thinking Misty, that you can continue like this for the rest of your lives?

Or are you now thinking that something has to change?

That's the bit I don't really understand from your posts. If you want to change the situation there are two choices 1) he stops drinking for ever or 2) you leave. There is no other option, other than continue as you are.

He says he is an alcoholic and yet he continues to drink. He knows he will never be able to control his drinking. He knows he cannot guarantee that he won't attack you again. Yet he continues to drink.

He is only really willing to talk about it after a violent attack when he feels most remorseful and most worried that you will leave him. But even then he just talks about cutting down, or restricting his drinking. Even though he knows he can't do that.

If you knew that every time you ate apples you ran a tiny, tiny, risk of being violent and abusive to someone you love, why would you ever, ever eat another apple? This is what alcoholism is. A choice. He is going to continue to choose to drink.

There is one thing in your control. You can choose whether to put up with it or leave. That is the only choice you have. The rest is his choice.

I think you've had some great insights here from people who have been through this particular mill. We're all so different and yet the advice is scarily the same. Please look forward and ask yourself how you want your life to be 10 years from now. And please be strong and recognise it's only you who can change you and he who can change him. It really us not about how much he loves you, it's about how much he loves alcohol. If you can't compete it truly is better to know that now ( although I know it definitely won't feel like that). All best to you

Why did you continue seeing him when he told you he was an alcoholic?

I get the sense that you've pinned highly romantic hopes on this man, and now that it's become clear that you were incorrect in that, you're backpedalling/trying to argue yourself into remaining hopeful.

You say you don't want to tell him to stop drinking... because you "realise" it needs to come from him...

You're deceiving yourself.

If you were really interested in approaching this problem pragmatically and sensibly, you would see that it is your responsibility to state your needs, and then step back and see what he does with that information, no blackmail, no arguing. Just telling him "I don't want to be with you if you're drinking." No pleading, no begging, no explaining. And following through by leaving immediately if he's not open to that.

However you know that he would continue to drink no matter what you said. So you're not going to tell him what your needs are... that would destroy the fantasy. You want to believe that this is all some sort of bittersweet romantic tragedy that you're caught up in... but you're not... you chose to see, live with, drink with, and ttc with a man who self-identifies as an alcoholic. You were not smart about this and you don't want to face that.

Two sets of questions for you:
Was your father feckless? Was your mother highly romantic/martyr-ish? (or vice versa -- feckless mother with savior father?) Are you perhaps looking for a way to return to your childhood r/s because that's what you know?

What does your counsellor say about this r/s?