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Original poster

Banned from contacting family members

34 replies

NanettaStocker · 23/12/2011 20:24

Has anyone here ever been banned from contacting a family member, by a parent or similar, because they have fallen out?

I'm asking because the older I get, the more I realise that my experience wasn't part of normal family life. I come from a big family that constantly argues and falls out. Grudges last for years.

I was banned at a young age from speaking to another family member by a parent. It was someone I was extremely close to, and I feel robbed of the future we should have had.

I've never spoken to anyone who has been in a similar situation. It doesn't bother me for years, then suddenly it resurfaces for some reason.

Has anyone else been through something similar? Just to hear of others' experiences would help.

OP posts:

HoHoHoudini · 23/12/2011 20:36

Why do you still feel that someone has the right to dictate to you who you can and can not communicate with?

Their behaviour is controlling and is weird tbh, you need to do what YOU want to do. They need to get over themselves.

Have you tried looking at the Stately Homes thread on here? it may be of some support.

measles64 · 23/12/2011 20:39

My Mother did this for years with family members we were forbidden from talking to whoever she had fallen out with. It still upsets me how she has fractured our family many years later and guess what now no-one speaks to her.

lisad123 · 23/12/2011 20:42

We are banned from dh parents house!
From what dh said, she did the same to him when younger. She doesn't talk to her own brothers and sisters and even her own twin!

CMOTdibbler · 23/12/2011 20:43

My grandmother used to do this - people would be cast out and everyone banned from speaking to them for whatever reason. And dads wider family have lots of form on it too. What people did about the bans depended - for instance my dad didn't get to see his aunt for 30 years, but his sister had been in secret contact.

yellowraincoat · 23/12/2011 20:43

People are weird. Why are they so concerned about what other people do?

ThatVikRinA22 · 23/12/2011 20:46

i was banned from seeing the people that brought me up for the first 7 years, who were my grandparents, by my birth mother and her abusive partner.

i used to have to sneak about behind backs to see them. i know what you mean OP. I was very close to my granddad and we were never the same again afterwards.

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 23/12/2011 20:50

I was very young when I was ordered not to speak to them. Seeing them in secret? I've got a hell of story to tell but it would out me. I can't even really give the bare bones in case it's recognised. There's a reason why I didn't just disregard the order when I got older, but it's complicated and again would out me.

To be honest, the pair of them are as bad as each other, but I feel more resentful towards my parent for forcing that on me as a child. Not to mention some of emotional abuse that was inflicted because of it.

OP posts:

namechangetoreply · 23/12/2011 21:18

There is often far more to such situations than the person banning contact (if a parent) is willing to divulge. I suffered horrendous sexual, physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my family and have repeatedly banned my 14 year old DD from having any contact. I have had to tell her why, but I have other children who I have not told. If they choose to see them when they are older and not speak to me I will be terribly sad, but I will know that I have at least kept them safe. Being ignored when the children are older is a small price to pay.

ThatVikRinA22 · 23/12/2011 21:23

well i was the one on the receiving end of the abuse from my mother and step father - they just didnt want my grandparents to find out about it. it was purely self preservation in their case.

my mother let them bring me up for 7 years. she was quite happy to leave me there until she decided that i couldnt see them after that.

i now have no contact with her. havent for 12 years and never will again.

namechangetoreply · 23/12/2011 21:30

Vicar, that's rotten . I understand that different people have different motivations and I don't blame you for not contacting your mother. I have no contact with my parents or family and never would either.

However, in my family of origin, there is so much dysfunctionality that I am actually expecting them to sanitise their behaviour to my daughter and use my resultant depression as 'evidence' that my experiences were untrue. It does bother me, but I won't have my children's young lives ruined by people who enjoy bullying and manipulation. Might check out the Stately Homes Thread...

Deafworm · 23/12/2011 21:37

I was banned from contacting my mums entire family, I finally got back in touch and have a relationship with my aunts, vague contact with me uncle but my grandparents died before I found them again, I was led to believe they didn't care, they assumed I wanted no contact as they couldn't imagine my mum would ban contact as completely as she did.

ThatVikRinA22 · 23/12/2011 21:39

i understand.

i would not be happy to have had my parents around my children either. SF is dead now, and its never come up since i dont have contact with my mother. Recently i had a blip, where she sent me a msg via facebook. My children know a little of my early life (no details - just that my mother isnt nice) and have never seemed to be bothered by the fact its just us. (dh, me and them)

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 23/12/2011 21:43

I could understand if it was something as serious as that, but it was just a silly thing, caused by years of simmering resentment toward each other.

It was only me that was banned from contact. I was the youngest by far in the family. Others were able to carry on seeing them, which was hard to take. Although, some of those have fallen out now!

Facebook has made it worse. Seeing them pop up everywhere.

OP posts:

namechangetoreply · 23/12/2011 21:45

Vicar, that sounds very like us. DH has a small but loving family and we are generally self-sufficient. I'm sorry you've been through so much, this time of year is difficult isn't it? So many people and their extended families getting together....... occasionally I feel envious, but for the most part it's a relief.
I can imagine it would be strange to receive messages on facebook - I have had to field unwanted contact and that unsettling feeling stays for a long time.

namechangetoreply · 23/12/2011 21:47

Nanetta, that's such a shame. Do you have any contact now?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 23/12/2011 21:52

Contact bans in families are a sign of dysfunction - either the person or people doing the banning are controlling twats, or the banner is trying to protect others from the twattery of the banned person.

It's one of the things that gives me pause when considering whether to go NC with some family members: others will have to wonder which one of us is the unbearable twat...

I grew up never having met one of my aunts: she was banned by my family of nutters. They wouldn't even speak of her. I grew up thinking this was normal, that this behaviour went on in every family and was perfectly normal...

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 23/12/2011 21:52

No, and I don't want to. The family member betrayed me. They let it slip to someone that I was seeing them in secret. I believe they did this knowing full well it would get back to parent and I would probably get kicked out at 15. Possibly to live with them.

When I tell people a bit about it, they ask what they fell out over. And I can't explain. It's such a load of petty shit. It's been 20 years since they spoke. Letters were eventually exchanged, around 3, offloading what it was about. And I still can't explain it. A lifetime of perceived slights. Their so alike, they both remember history their way and there is no other reality. They also lie, and behave strangely. So I think it's all a load of half truths.

Sorry to offload and in such a cryptic way, but I can't talk to anyone about it like this. It still bothers me, especially at this time of year.

OP posts:

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 23/12/2011 21:53

They're

OP posts:

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 23/12/2011 21:56

Exactly, as you get older, you realise your family wasn't normal. And still isn't.

Parent is very, very controlling. Family member is a difficult person, but Parent's behaviour was not right, even so.

OP posts:

namechangetoreply · 23/12/2011 22:02

Don't worry Nanetta, I think many people in theses sorts of situations get used to offloading little bits here and there. If the tale is as complex as mine we'd still be here on Boxing Day. It sounds like you did the best thing possible.

Puppy - I know what you mean about being controlling. I also know from my perspective that my motivations will likely be twisted by my family, but I try not to worry about it. I can only do my best here and now. However, deciding to have no contact is hard, but ultimately the best thing I've ever done.

Do you see your Aunt now?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 23/12/2011 22:06

Nanetta, it sounds like you are unhappy by the behaviour of both parties in this ban. What do you want now from each of them, and is it realistic? What kind of relationship do you want with each of them, and how could you go about putting it in place?

You're an adult now, and not a pawn in someone else's petty feud. Refuse to play their game; do whatever it is that YOU think is right.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 23/12/2011 22:14

Name change: nope, don't even know her full name. She was banned by my trio of controlling/NPD relatives who didn't like her (controlling) husband. When she got in touch 15 years later to cry for help because her husband was beating her, none of them reacted (except with glee by my bitch of a grandmother, the woman's own mother, who was simply pleased to be the bearer of such juicy gossip). I was a child at the dinner table when this was announced, learning my cues from my adult role models. Little surprise that I ended up in an abusive marriage of my own.

Nutters. I certainly feel a great sense of kinship with my unknown aunt now.

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 23/12/2011 22:21

I've not had contact with the family member for 16 years, that's gone. I've no interest in seeking them out at the moment. I can see it happening one day.

Parent has narc tendencies. I've learned to avoid talking about the past like that. I just shut down and do not engage. There is no point dredging this up.

I've realised through writing this down, I was never explicitly banned. I just knew what was expected. When the family member came to see me in secret a few days before my 13th birthday, I never told the parent. They found out though, and kept that information until my birthday. I ended up sobbing and begging for their love and forgiveness.

The Parent could say there that it was more about keeping it a secret. There's always another, kinder explanation as to their motives. It's all wrapped up in love.

I think all I want is to roar how much this hurt me. I guess that's what I'm doing right now.

OP posts:

namechangetoreply · 23/12/2011 22:22

Puppy, the sheer brutality is jaw dropping and sadly familiar. I can't write too much for fear of being outed but I do understand and I am so sorry.

namechangetoreply · 23/12/2011 22:26

Nanetta that must have been devastating. And your 13th birthday too! That sounds so traumatic. Roar away, it's necessary. Especially at Christmas.

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