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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mother has just phoned to offer to help when the baby is born

38 replies

moaningaboutmother · 23/12/2011 19:35

She phoned to say "When the baby is born I will come and help if you need me to, but there is a proviso - I will ONLY come and help if you actually need me there. Don't just think it would be nice for me to come because I'd rather come another time. It's not like I could do anything useful anyway. And to be honest this is your third baby so you probably know what you're doing. But I want you to know that if you actually need help I will come if you ask me to, as long as you're not asking because you think it would be nice for me to come".

So.

Wasn't that nice of her?

Yet somehow I don't have a warm, fuzzy feeling inside.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/12/2011 19:41

There must be some sort of history...

I think she is saying "I'd rather not come in the immediately aftermath, but truly honestly if you end up with an c-section or being really ill I of course will come"

So not a warm and fuzzy I want to be there more of a if the chips are down of course I will help.

Still better than nothing on balance?

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 23/12/2011 19:41

No, she doesn't sound like a warm, fuzzy mother. It must be good to have a mother who wants to be with you just because it's nice to be together.

But still, in the absence of that - she'll be there for you if you need her, and you don't have to worry about her wanting to be there when you'd rather she wasn't. That's not bad. I'd have settled for that actually.

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 23/12/2011 19:44

I think thats great! There are so many threads on here about women whos mothers descend just after they have given birth and they feel they can't say no. Your mum has said that she will be there if you need her but is making it clear that she doesn''t want to intrude on your precious time with your newborn if you don't need her there :-)

discrete · 23/12/2011 19:45

It's hard, though, isn't it. Sometimes mothers say they want to come and help and daughters roll their eyes and say 'well I'd rather she came some other time but I guess she wants to be there and is saying she'll help as an excuse'.

She's making it clear that that is not the situation, but will come if you would find it genuinely helpful.

cheesesarnie · 23/12/2011 19:45

have you moaned about her interfering /caring too much before???

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 23/12/2011 19:45

i was lucky mine lived relatively close by and whilst being about as useful as a chocolate teapot in any emotional or subtle ways she did take away bags of washing and return them clean and ironed and i don't think i've ever experienced such gratitude!

i think she's saying if you really, really need me i'll be there but don't feel you have to ask me and in all honesty i'm not really up to it BUT of course if you need me i'll be there?

some people are just crap with words/emotions. on the other hand maybe a lot is going on with her and whilst she doesn't want to burden you with it she is putting it out there that she's not really in a state to be helping?

cheesesarnie · 23/12/2011 19:45

half the time grandmothers too be can do no right,they either care too much or not at all.

Pascha · 23/12/2011 19:46

Ha! is your mum my mum? Mine's all about the practical and has zero sentiment, will offer to help but only if its really needed.

usualsuspect · 23/12/2011 19:47

Bloody hell

The woman can't win can she

Original poster

moaningaboutmother · 23/12/2011 19:47

I'm glad I posted, because all I heard is "I don't want to come but I will if I have to". It is good to get a different perspective and I shall have a think about it.

What do you mean by history Random?

OP posts:

lockets · 23/12/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 23/12/2011 19:51

Because you're reading a lot into that comment to then come and post on here about it.

Sounds like she knows if she does come you will be housebound and she'll be entertaining the other dc and she's rather come once you're more mobile/in a routine and be able to do things with her???

Original poster

moaningaboutmother · 23/12/2011 19:51

cheesesarnie - a wry smile about moaning about her being too interfering or caring too much. No. Definitely not the case. She has met my children 4 times in 6 years. She moved to another country 2 weeks before my first was born and came back to visit for one night when she was 4 months old.

No family rows or falling out or anything, just a gentle sadness that she is not very interested in me and has no desire to be a part of my life. She would be very surprised to learn I feel this way.

OP posts:

heliumballoon · 23/12/2011 19:52

I wish my mother would offer to help. But she won't. Nor will MIL. I'll have fuck all help with this baby like I had fuck all help with the last one.

Even if it's not offered graciously, as least she is offering to help. Count yourself lucky.

ImperialBlether · 23/12/2011 19:52

I think your mum is saying, "I don't really want to come, but I will if you need me." Strange.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 23/12/2011 19:55

She did say "I'd rather come another time". Maybe as in, "when you're feeling better and the baby is a little more awake and interesting and we can have a nice time together"?

Or "I don't want to come and be in the way when you're exhausted and hormonal and not feeling fab and the baby sleeps and feeds all the time - I will if you need me, but teeny babies aren't my thing" - which is ok too?

Have you felt rejected by her a lot in the past?

Original poster

moaningaboutmother · 23/12/2011 19:56

I think that is exactly what she is saying Blether.

Helium - no, I don't particularly count myself lucky on this score. I had no help with any of mine either, and I shall have no help again with this one. I do count myself lucky that things have so far been straightforward I have coped fine and hopefully will do again.

OP posts:

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 23/12/2011 19:57

Aah, ok. That changes things then. Would she actually come if you did need her, or did she say that to make herself feel better? And if she came, would she be helpful?

RandomMess · 23/12/2011 19:59

So the history is that she's just not that interested.

Hugs and sympathy, not much interest around these parts either!

If you do need her though take her at her word and let her know

homeaway · 23/12/2011 20:00

I think your mum is just being honest and speaking her mind. What she is saying if you need me call me, if you dont then I would rather come when you are back on your feet. Turn it on its head ,would you rather that she came and you did not want/need help? Probably not. The ball is in your court and that is nice.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 23/12/2011 20:04

It's bloody hard when your mother isn't interested in you, isn't it? I cannot imagine feeling that way about my children when they are grown up.

Original poster

moaningaboutmother · 23/12/2011 20:05

Okay. New question. My relationship with my mother makes me feel very sad, when I dwell on it. I think it all boils down to her not particularly liking me much. She loves me in a maternal duty sort of way, but doesn't enjoy my company, find me interesting, or want to spend time with me or talk on the phone. We go months between contact. We see each other every couple of years, always at my instigation. When she drinks too much she says horrible things to me. The rest of the time we have a polite, cordial relationship.

She has a completely different, warm relationship with my brothers, chats all the time, adores them, is part of their lives.

I have wondered for a while if a couple of therapy sessions might be useful. I feel like I want to get it ALL out, EVERYTHING, and dump it all on someone else and walk away from it. I can't go on and on about it in real life.

To be fair, she is such a small part of my life that I go weeks without giving her a thought. This does not rule my life or overshadow things. But then something like this gets me thinking about it all again and I feel sad. Would therapy or counselling or something be unbelievably wanky and self-indulgent of me?

She's not cruel or 'toxic' or anything exciting, just polite and uninterested.

OP posts:

Original poster

moaningaboutmother · 23/12/2011 20:08

Bertha - it is since having children myself that I started to question my relationship with my mother. I look at my daughter and I simply can't imagine feeling... nothing much... about her. I love her furiously and I am interested in every freckle and every thought. I have already told myself I must not be overbearing or too involved when she is older!

OP posts:

Chandon · 23/12/2011 20:08

I think she was being nice in an awkward way.

Not doubting your ability to cope, nor pushing herself onto you if you don't want to, yet offering to be there when you need her.

I guess that if there was a problem she'd come like a shot.

I think you are overthinking...

Original poster

moaningaboutmother · 23/12/2011 20:16

Chandon - yep, I might be completely over thinking it. I doubt myself. I'm not really sure what to think.

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