My mother has just phoned to offer to help when the baby is born

[moaningaboutmother]

She phoned to say "When the baby is born I will come and help if you need me to, but there is a proviso - I will ONLY come and help if you actually need me there. Don't just think it would be nice for me to come because I'd rather come another time. It's not like I could do anything useful anyway. And to be honest this is your third baby so you probably know what you're doing. But I want you to know that if you actually need help I will come if you ask me to, as long as you're not asking because you think it would be nice for me to come".

So.

Wasn't that nice of her?

Yet somehow I don't have a warm, fuzzy feeling inside.

give people the benefit of the doubt where possible....is my advice

Sounds like some decent therapy sessions could be really helpful.

What is the sibling birth order of you and your brothers, does she generally prefer men, what was her relationship like with her mum - may give you some insight?

She much prefers men. I didn't realise until I was an adult that some people consider men and women to be equal.

Her mother shows many classic NPD traits. I only recently realised this, having spent years and years adoring my granny and completely baffled as to why my mother hated her so fiercely.

How would I go about choosing someone to talk to, if I did decide to go ahead? don't even know the difference between therapy or counselling.

Ha! Reading my last post I do sound a bit of a thicko don't I? I do sometimes understand why she doesn't find me thrilling!

I love her furiously and I am interested in every freckle and every thought
I know exactly what you mean. You just can't imagine ever letting your child have even a moment's doubt over your love for them.
On the birth of my DS, my Mum had spent weeks telling everyone me how much I would need her help. In the end, she wrote a letter a day or so after he was born advising that the weather was probably going to be bad and so she'd see us later (she did visit for an hour or so before this, I should say).
Feelings that don't seem so important pre-children are harder to ignore once you're a mother yourself.
I look at my DS and want him to feel protected, and listened to and that I'm on his side. And I want him to feel that forever. It's coming to terms with the fact that your own mum doesn't feel that way about you which is so hard.
I don't know the answer.

I was told to ring around a few therapists and have a chat to them about why your seeking help and get a feeling for which one you feels most comfortable talking to.

There certainly sounds like a huge amount of history lurking beneath the surface!

A counsellor can give counselling (listening to you), a therapist can offer counselling and therapy (helping you work through stuff) - at least that is the difference to me. You can go to part time classes and get diplomas in counselling - much more work to become a qualified therapist.

i take back what i said hearing the history.

sorry she's so disinterested. would have been better if she hadn't bothered with the text rather than just upset you i'm thinking.

it is hard to imagine being so cold to one's own children. my own mother's coldness towards me (which started young as i can remember) has become even more shocking since i had my own child. yet strangely she's been very keen to make her GC love her. the older ones are getting wise as to who she really is now though.

I'm sad for you OP, but I'm so so sad for her. I'm a new 1st time gran and it makes me very happy. Not just for beautiful dgs but for how my relationship is growing and changing with dd. Your mum's missing out big-time.

Bertha - "It must be good to have a mother who wants to be with you just because it's nice to be together" - this just made me cry! It must indeed be good to have a mum like that. I can't have a mum like that so I just hope to be a mum like that.

OP - your mum sounds a touch like my mum - she will always 'help' but she doesn't really want to see me. I don't have many warm fuzzy feelings either.

Really sorry about the shitty message. Hope all goes well with your baby and I'm sure you will squeeze him/her a lot and tell him/her how much you love them.

Counselling has always helped me. Ask around for recommendations. Most do a free session, if you feel like you don't click you can try someone else no obligations.

Ooh how weird how we all understand things differently? I would take that to be a really lovely thing to say. Like she is saying she doesn't want to interfere or put on you, but she will be the for you if you need her. But don't feel obliged to have her there if you don't want that. And that if she comes you don't have to accommodate her, she is just coming for you and to help you.
That's how I read it?

I sometimes feel a smigin like that OP - I get where you're coming from.

Oh you poor poor woman. No, therapy wouldn't be self-indulgent at all, it sounds like just what you need. Therapy/counsellng is fab (they're the same thing I think). The best bit for me was talking about stuff that happened in my childhood, that I thought was normal and not that bad, and seeing the look of horror on the counsellor's face. Lightbulb moment.

I'd bet anything that you're thinking "my childhood wasn't that bad, I wasn't abused or anything" at this point. But the person who was supposed to love and nurture and cherish you, was cold to you, but still gave the love to your siblings. That merits a horrified look!

Part of the NSPCC definition of child abuse - " conveying to children that they are worthless or unloved, inadequate, or valued only insofar as they meet the needs of another person. "

Get thee over to the Stately Homes thread

(for all those still reading "the best" into the op's mum's message - you can do that 'cos your mums love you! it makes all the difference in the world)

Duvertday - I have a MIL who likes to be with me. I find it really hard to accept that and not push her away, but I'm getting better at it.

Sorry to hear about all this. Finding a psychotherapist could be a really good move. On balance I'd say a psychotherapist may be a better bet than a counsellor, but counsellors and psychotherapists are more similar than different really, you just need to find someone you think you'll be able to feel safe enough with to explore the things you want to explore. This link may help you find one. Good luck.