Should I believe him? Re : dating bloody websites

[999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE]

Me and OH met on a daring website 3 years ago.
Recently it came to light he had another email address from years ago, he didn't tell me as he no longer uses it.
Well I log into it ( he knows I'm doing this although he seems nervous ) and there are lots of "updates" from a dating site. Not the one we met on, zoosk which is part of Facebook.
Now, we had broken up for a month in may and all the emails were after may to date, none had been opened. He says he used it one when we were broken up, mainly out of boredom. Well this doesn't sound good as I'm sure he's been bored whilst we've been together at times!
I go off to work, still banging on about it to be honest. When exactly did you use it when we were broken up, how many times etc etc.
Yesterday it came to me that his log in details to that are probably the same as Facebook so I log in.
Nothing really there, no messages sent or received as he's not a paying member however he has "won" coins for logging in on the 12th may ( we was broken
Up) and 3rd December ( the day we were arguing about it all day )
I ask him again and again I'd he's ever used it whilst weve been together, no no no.
Until he finally admitted he logged in on the 3rd december merely to look for the date that he's gone on whilst we was broken up as I was questioning him so much.
Really? Why would you go onto a dating site whilst we are arguing about it??i
I can see he hasn't logged back in after the 3rd dec though so maybe he is telling the truth?
I'm just convinced that he's looked on it when we've been together.

That was devious and bloody stupid on his part. I imagine there was a lot of "999 is hurting me so I'll go and soothe myself with this other woman" going on in his head. Not excusing his behaviour, mind, but this is a very male thing to do and does not mean he's evil, just idiotic and frankly splitting hairs to get what he wanted. (the other woman must be a sap )

Thing is, what do you want from him? It does sound like hard work but if you think the relationship has got legs then you need to accept that this currentincident is pretty innocent AND you need to possibly have counselling together or somehow get rid of the legacy of pain this event has left.

I can see now why it's stirred up so much pain and why it's cuaused your disproportionate reaction, but if you don't let it go and move on together I think your relationship will be in real trouble.

Hope you're ok. x

I hadn't realised that you'd also posted another thread about his use of porn: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1368213-Is-him-watching-porn-a-big-deal-Is-he-missing-something-with-our-sex-life

In your 'porn' thread you say that you've been together 'a happy three years'. They certainly don't sound happy to me and, as Nigel has said, you're best advised to consider whether you should be in a relationship with this man as it appears to be distressing and destructive for both of you.

your porn thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1368213-Is-him-watching-porn-a-big-deal-Is-he-missing-something-with-our-sex-life

Sounds like your DH is quite highly sexed - hence his need for a shag when chasing you, and his use of porn. The porn wouldn't bother me - but I'm not you.

Is this relationship making you happy?

Well other than that 6 months it was a happy 3 years and it was me who broke it off therefore I didn't think it was fair to include that in there.
Kesnowbi :
Are you male or female? Just wondering really as you sum it up in the same way as he does!
I understand he was hurt, you can't fake the pain I could see and she was there, also hurt by his friend, her ex.
It just seems odd he called her the same day I broke up with him but he's adamant that he wanted someone to talk that would be slightly more impartial.
He says he just wanted to be able to forget about me, I was changing my mind all the time, they went out fit drinks etc and then this "friends with benefits" arrangement started happening.
I suppose it's because I know he's capable of being devious that worries me, all the nights he spent with her he still texted me goodnight and that he loved me and hoped the holiday would change things etc.
I just think after he booked the holiday he shouldn't have continued "trying to get over me" he should have gone 1 way or the other.
And apparently the last time they met she didn't seem that into the whole arrangement anymore, do did he only tell her about us because she wasn't up for it anymore? If she had offered it again eod he have taken it?
I'll never know now and that's the hardest part.
I wish I never knew!
Or that I knew she still wanted him and he refused.

He's not really highly sexed.
I was his first sexual partner, he was 25 when
He lost his virginity and he's a good looking guy so it wasn't lack of offers
He says he wanted to wait for someone special, I came along and when I broke it off, even though we were meeting I wouldn't agree to being with him, he couldn't cope and just wanted to forget about me and would have done it anyway possible, dating websites brought no luck so he turned to her.

I'm female, but I'm highly pragmatic and fairly level - I'm a farmer's daughter with two much-loved brothers, so I do have a tendency to see some male behaviours as self-centred stupidity rather than actual and deliberate malice.

It seems to me that you have not forgiven your DP for 'cheating' on you. Which makes it 'your' problem, if you see what I mean (not that he's not a bloody fool for what he did).

If you think the relationship is worth fighting for, I think you need to cut him some slack with this current situation. And I also think you badly need some couples counselling. You need trust for a relationship to work.

If he loves you he should be all over this idea, as you can talk about the stuff that upsets you both in a neutral space - he can put his side of the story, you can get closure, and you can BOTH move on.

Do you not think what he did counts as cheating?

You broke up with him. You called it off. How can he be 'cheating' after you'd made it clear you didn't want to be in a relationship with him?

It seems to me that unless you put the past behind and move forward into the future in a more positive manner, your relationship is dead in the water (again) and I see no point in prolonging the agony for either of you.

Sorry, OP, no I don't think it's cheating. And as for the other stuff, I think you're making a massive mountain out of a molehill. You will drive him away with that shit, you know.

Erk. Yes... and no. I don't know. You were giving him very mixed messages but he clearly wanted to be with you so what was he doing sleeping with someone else?

Makes me think of Ross and Rachel on Friends.

Abby :
I know this in the back of my head.
In arguments where I've gone on and on about something, mainly how could he drive me to work with condoms in his wallet knowing he was going to sleep with her after ( he has always sai he hoped I would hange my mind in which case he wouldn't have gone to meet her but again I'll never know ) he has shoute that he's never cheated but he may as well have for all the hit he's getting for it and maybe he would have met someone nice by now :-(

Oh, I can see how it would drive you mad... but you need to get a handle on it, honestly.

I can also see it from you OH point of view as well though - might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and all that. I just couldn't bear to be constantly questioned about stuff like that, I would have to end the relationship.

Have you had counselling to try and help you deal with the stuff that's happened in the past? Would he go with you?

Abby :
Are you a woman?
You're very level headed either way!
My head knows we weren'togetjer, that I probably made him feel like shit, that he probably did want to forget all about me and if e managed it probably would have cancelled the holiday and that would have been the end of it, that he told her we were back together so wasnt planning on continuing it regardless if he was interested or not but my heart just thinks how deceitful if is and if he's capable of this what else is he capable of and if h
It was offered again would he take it.

Why are you torturing yourself?

I'm starting to feel sorry for this guy - he just can't win, can he?

Even if this is a match made in heaven you are turning it into a living hell for both of you.

Unless you get your act together I reckon he'll dump you - and I can't say I'd blame him as it seems that you enjoy prolonged ranting which is extremely wearing for the recipient of your angst.

Spare yourself and him from any further misery, and this time round don't make him feel like shit when you dump him because the problem is yours.

Why, because I'm not possessive and/or obsessive?

In the past, I have had a jealous streak a mile wide - and I know how it turns out. Also I've been on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour, and can't bear it.

I'm just trying to see things from both sides, believe it or not.

And yes, I am a woman. A woman that doesn't care for drama such as this. Relationships should be easy and calm, imo. Anything that created this much drama, for me, would be a no-go I'm afraid.

I feel really sorry for your boyfriend!

You dumped him but strung him along with dinner and kisses and 'let' him drive you to work, and have the cheek to be upset because he sought the company of another woman as a SINGLE MAN?!

He has not been 'devious' - he does not have to account for his actions when you were apart (both times) and has been open & honest & remarkably patient with your constant accusations re this dating website.

This is not a trusting loving relationship and I fail to see how either of you benefits from being in it.

I am a woman

He wasn't cheating on you - you weren't together. I can understand two people comforting each other over each others relationship breakdowns. If you weren't with him, then he was free to shag whoever, even if he wanted to be with you. IF he and friend also had a friendship, he was free to chat to her those four times once you finally accepted him as a partner - men and women are allowed to be friends outside of relationships, even if they were ex shags!! You sound like you wanted him to chaste while you kept him dangling, to me thats playing mind games and not a good way to act

Back to OP - you were apart, he went on a dating site, no big deal. He didn't know you wouldn't get back together. The fact he logged on on the day you argued - I would too, so I could prove to you that he hadn't been messing around and using the dating site since you got back together.

You do sound jealous and possesive, I think you should try to control that as it is one thing that will kill your relationship, he hasn't done anything wrong

I think you should end it. You're clearly not ready for a relationship yet. Your constant grilling and suspicions would drive anyone mad. It's not fair on your OH. Do both of you a favour and knock it on the head.

Abby I wasn't being rude by asking that, I just wondered if your opinions was that of a man or a woman.
Izzy :
Thanks for your comments, you are most probably right in what you say.

I posted on your porn thread, OP

I think my comments there stand for this one too

I think Izzy is very right. 999, you really do have a stark choice. Move on from what happened when you were apart, or let it tear your relationship apart.

Basically you have turned what was clearly a small thing for him into a Big Thing for you. He left this woman behind 3 years ago, you are the one still having a relationship with her. Forgive him and move on, dump him because you can't trust him: the choice is yours, but you have to LET IT GO.

You'll never know what would have happened if you hadn't got it together. Maybe he would have shagged her again. May be he wouldn't. It's totally irrelevant because you DID get together and you now have a life together.

You might as well wonder why a car didn't hit you in 1998 or why that girl at work gave you a funny look in 2007. It's a total waste of brain space.

As 'cheating' is the common theme of both of your posts, and as AF has referred to your 'porn' thread, I've chosen this thread to comment on your other post.

Personally, I believe that any man who finds it necessary to masturbate to porn on a regular basis has an impoverished imagination, but if he didn't dtd until he was 25 it may be that he become somewhat dependent on skin flicks and mags until you came along.

However, once he finally got his rocks off with a real live woman I would have hoped that he wouldn't have a need to frequently indulge himself with porn and, on that level, I'd have some concern that he hadn't broken a no longer needed habit, so to speak.

Your concern seems to be that when he's jerking off to porn flicks he's 'cheating' on you, but it's not uncommon for either sex to fantasise when they are doing the deed and sometimes those fantasies don't include their sexual partner of the moment.

In this respect I don't consider watching porn as 'cheating' with other women and, as I've already said, he didn't 'cheat' on you during the period after you'd ended your relationship with him.

I believe him you are taking it too far, you were split at the time he has done nothing wrong, stop going on about it or you will push him away and your relationship be over.