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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do if your DH gambled £1800

38 replies

shortandsweet2 · 21/12/2011 04:31

That's it really. Just found out last night and I am close to kicking him out.

He lost £500 a few months ago and I told him it would be over if he lost money like that again. Funny thing is he doesn't see he has a problem!

OP posts:
moonferret · 21/12/2011 04:34

I assume you mean gambled and LOST?
I'm male, but anyone who gmables and loses to that extent wouldn't have my respect..lol

Original poster
shortandsweet2 · 21/12/2011 04:36

Yes lost.

OP posts:
moonferret · 21/12/2011 04:37

Does he ever gamble and win to that extent? If his overall gambling record shows a profit, it's not a problem is it?

Original poster
shortandsweet2 · 21/12/2011 04:42

No he has made no massive profit odd bits here and there but never this much. He lost this in less than 2hrs chasing the win that never happened. I have never liked gambling and made it very clear I was unhappy he was doing it.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 21/12/2011 04:43

If you told him you'd go at £500, but then stay even though it's £1800 he'll never believe it's a problem and won't stoP. I'm assuming you can't afford tO loose the money?

Original poster
shortandsweet2 · 21/12/2011 04:49

It hasn't left us completely broke, we have enough for bills but could not afford to throw money like that away.

OP posts:
kunahero · 21/12/2011 06:16

The probelm you now have is, if you dont end the relationship he will just think he can continue as he likes as you never carry through with your threats. If you say 'do it again and its over' then you have to mean it and do it.
He does have a problem.... he's a shite gambler.

SirSugar · 21/12/2011 07:20

of the two gamblers I know, one has debts of 300k, the other is in jail as a result of his gambling.

I work next to Paddy Power and see the same men pacing up and down outside every day

What are you going to do?

NunTheWiser · 21/12/2011 07:24

He'd be out on his ear until he had sought help for his addiction and had a proven track record of living without gambling.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2011 07:25

well, you have to follow through on your threat now, don't you ?

or else he will carry on gambling, after realising you don't mean what you say

that doesn't mean it's your fault though...he obviously has a problem he needs to seek help for

but he has to do it away from the family home, and with no access to family finances

I would do the same....in fact I don't know if I would have even given him a second chance

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2011 07:27

has he always gambled ? It's rather unusual to suddenly take up the habit

what form has it taken ?

fivegomadindorset · 21/12/2011 07:30

You said you would leave him, so do it.

Hassledge · 21/12/2011 07:31

Would it help to talk to something like Gamblers Anonymous?

LIZS · 21/12/2011 07:34

"he doesn't see he has a problem" He won't until it comes to a crisis point, he's an addict and by not carrying through the threat you are enabling him to carry on.

InsomniaQueen · 21/12/2011 07:40

Being brutally honest I would be close to ending his existence!

He clearly has a problem and needs to get help - whether you ask him to leave or leave whilst he seeks help is a decision only you can make. I would seek professional advise and then take it from there. Gamblers anonymous and counselling services would be a good place to start.

HappyCamel · 21/12/2011 07:45

I agree. Can you send him back to his parents for a while? He needs to see this is life changing niw, otherwise it'll get worse. Make sure he loses access to the family finances. Speak to your bank so they don't lend him money or let him use an overdraft.

Good luck

SirSugar · 21/12/2011 07:58

Unfortunately, his addiction has become your problem therefore you have to limit the damage as quickly as possible. However you do it, you have to immediately protect the family finances. Personally, I wouldn't even wait to discuss it with him as he doesn't even consider it to be a problem.

Empty joint accounts, including any savings

Cancel any joint credit cards, if you can

Do not stick your head in the sand, he will lose more the longer you leave it.

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 21/12/2011 08:11

The most worrying thing is that he doesn't think he has a problem.
Until he faces up to this he will always be a gambler, and willing to take the risk - with your money OP.

Agree with SirSugar, empty ALL bank accounts etc that you both have access to, do not let him gamble any more of your money away.

Could you get him to pay his salary into a different account under your control, and give him an ''allowance'' for his usual expenditure so to speak. That way you know that you have money to cover the mortgage, bills, shopping etc in future. They would be my terms for staying with him.

Good luck OP, I hope you can get him to face up to it and get him some help.

mrsravelstein · 21/12/2011 08:20

my exh was a gambler. the end of our marriage came about in similar circumstances to OP - he had tried to take out a loan to cover his losses despite the fact that he earned a fortune... i had always vaguely wondered why we never seemed to have any money.

when i finally got access to his bank accounts when we divorced, 6 years after we separated, i discovered his monthly gambling losses were somewhat more than he was paying me in child maintenance.

but even then he still insisted he didn't have a problem, and that it was just a hobby. i wish you luck convincing your h otherwise.

HairyNigel · 21/12/2011 08:30

If this was my DP I'm sorry to say but he'd be out on his ear. I would NOT put up with that amount of money being wasted.

KouklaMoo · 21/12/2011 08:45

He'd have to leave. Particularly as you have already warned him of this.

My brother had a flat, a job and a fiance before the gambling 'bug' took a hold of him.

By the end he had lost all of these. It started off with a flutter on the horses/snooker. By the end he was on hardcore internet gambling sites making heavy losses (but of course the odd win to keep him gambling!) He also gambled away my grandmother's inheritance, and run up debts to the tune of £50k (including £1000's with wonga and the like) to feed his gambling habit.

I hate hate hate gambling and always want to throw things at the tv when ads for gambling come on - should be banned.

I don't understand the attraction of gambling my brother had - he seemed to think he was 'cleverer' than them - that he would be the one to beat the system and win big. To me it is clear that the house always wins.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

imaginethat · 21/12/2011 08:46

Oh god, poor you.

Confession = I am ex-gambler and I lost 50x that amount.

It is highly addictive and I doubt he will stop just because you want him to. You need to protect what you have now - urgently

Close joint accounts
Safeguard your income

Truly, it is that serious. I can't tell you how addictive it is, they say like crack cocaine.

When he wants to stop, he will be ready for help, but you won't be able to force him.

I was in GA and the only one there who had not been in prison or on suicide watch. To this day I think I had a lucky escape and have to do be careful about where I go to ensure I avoid gambling opportunities.

Weirdly I took up gambling at 34 and managed to quit by 37 so what I'm saying is that it's possible for him to/you recover from this but it sounds as though it is currently a crisis.

Don't believe him if he says he isn't gambling or can manage money. He can't.

KouklaMoo · 21/12/2011 08:58

Yes, definitely protect yourself financially as Sir Sugar said. He doesn't see it as a problem - nor did my brother, because that elusive big win was always just around the corner, wasn't it?

My brother has faced up to this now, but he had to hit rock-bottom first, and I mean financial rock bottom. He lost everything and run up enormous debts and ended up moving back in with our parents.

Make sure your husband cannot financially drag you down with him.

FatGoose · 21/12/2011 11:47

there was a lady on another forum i used to go on

ran up thousands upon thousands playing online bingo/poker

she used to take out new credit cards to pay the old ones off, her husband found out one time and sorted it all out for her, but of course she started all over again

last i heard she was petrified that he would find out again that she had lost another 20 grand

madness

Hulababy · 21/12/2011 11:48

It would be very very out of character so I would be shocked to say the least. But very cross and not at all happy. It would cause a really big discussion here and a lot of thinking would be required.

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