What would you do if your DH gambled £1800

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That's it really. Just found out last night and I am close to kicking him out.

He lost £500 a few months ago and I told him it would be over if he lost money like that again. Funny thing is he doesn't see he has a problem!

Thank you all for all your responses and help!

I have told him there is no going back now for us and that our marriage is over. He started gambling about 2-3yrs ago little bets here and there (he is now 32).

I will be in contact with the bank today to see if he can be removed from the joint account, he has no where else to go temp as PIL live too far away but I have told him he can sleep on the couch until he saves up a deposit for a rented flat and then he will have to go.

He has finally admitted after speaking to his sister that he does have a problem and I will support him as a friend but longer a wife, we have 1 DD aged 5.7 so don't want her being subjected to anything other than normal for us.

Gambling like any addiction is an illness. It wasn't the illness I had, but I unknowingly was bipolar.
When you're high, your behaviour mirrors the sort of addictive/obsessive behaviour of something like gambling. I would start spending irrationally (though perfectly rationally in my eyes) on diamond jewellery, starting with a pendant, moving up to earrings and ending with a diamond ring worth £4000. You start at small amounts and then these seem to do no harm 'really', so it just gets bigger and bigger, each bigger amount just seems a little bit more but still harmless. Always justifiable. So you cannot be persuaded to stop. My DP was going spare, especially when I digressed into furniture, clothes, shoes and he eventually lost the plot when I was romping all guns blazing towards the purchase of a house. That's the best I can explain the way the mind of an ill person works.
I think you are going to struggle to gain the sort of control you desire now without your DH seeking help, but he has to want to. This sort of problem can't just be rationalised. I would talk to GA, because you need help for the way you feel. Its an overwhelming time, full of confusion, betrayal, conflicting desires....

I am very sorry x

Silly, silly man.

It'd be instant grounds for divorce for me, too. Sorry you're going thru this. You can love someone but still not be able to live with them.

Dump him before he starts selling off things to make up for the losses. Gambling addiction is hard to beat and it will only end in misery.

Op I feel so sorry that you are experiencing this. I was once married to a gambler who spent all the money for our wedding ( never heard those bells ringing! ) and didn't think that there was an issue. I struggled more with the lies and the deceit than with the money. ( not that we could afford it )
With regards to practical advice , you will probably need to open a new bank account and the bank will assist you with this and transferring any DD's and So's. If you currently have an overdraft facility and he has access to this and you don't need it - minimise it. The make sure his name is not on your credit card account or you his, if so get this changed immediately. Any cash savings etc , remove it and put somewhere inaccessible.
He needs help and until he has reached the bottom he won't reach out for it. GA ( gamblers anonymous) and Gamanon( family support) are very helpful. Great identification. They will speak to you if you want some help in dealing with your emotions.
I hope he goes for help regardless of the outcome of your relationship as it is a slippery slope to destitution.
Stay strong and do whatever you think is right for yourself and your little one.

I think until he leaves, he should be dealing in cash, given to him by you. Obviously, you will have to get his name off any joint finances and hide all your credit/debit cards etc. I'm so sorry, but I agree it has to end now.

S&S, my darling BF is an ex gambler, and he tells me all about the BS and denial he went through before he sorted his shit out. He had a well paid job, a property and a wonderful partner but lost it all before he finally went for help, and thankfully he ended up in an excellent full time treatment programme. It?s an addiction, like an illness, so although I do think you have to be true to your threat to kick him out, I hope he sees this as the ideal time to get help and that the two of you can be a family again. I agree with what others say about making sure he can?t access joint accounts etc as he will not be able to stop himself taking money if he?s an addict.

op I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I have experience of this through a family member and I completely agree with the advice to take control of your finances and make sure he cannot have access.

I also suggest you contact GA or the Gordon Moody Association which is an incredible charity that has helped my brother immensely through a residential programme (although they also offer non-residential support)

Compulsive gamblers are highly manipulative and statistics say that every gambler has an adverse affect on the lives of at least 15 people through their behaviour.

I was very naive for years and didn't know what was wrong with my bro but in particular, the info on the Gordon Moody Association website is very enlightening.

I hope he gets the support he needs. In my view, it's hopeless family and friends saying don't do it or else etc - they need proper professional help and the desire to get it must come from them.

Thank you again for all your advise, it is very much appreciated!!

I will be checking out all the recommended places over the next few days. I do understand that it can be hopeless saysing things like do it or else but I do hope this is a proper wake up call for him to sort himeself out now for our DD.

Just to echo what someone else in here has said, many of the gambling help places offer support to family, too.

Also, not to want to excuse his behaviour, but he may find it hugely difficult to stop. Non-gamblers will think it's just stupid or selfish, but in many cases the gambler cannot physically stop unless they want and seek professional help.

He may be able to sort himself out. I did and am currently one of the most frugal people I know.

I can't explain the addiction, it was just a sort of blank out time during a period of great stress. At the worst I was pulling wads of cash out of the ATMs at the casino then shovelling them into the machines. Absolutely crazy. You would be surprised if you met me, I have lovely children and a great job and everything to appreciate. But there you go, life is weird.

So sorry for you going through this and all power to you for your quick and sensible response.

I would really like to know how you get on if you felt like updating in here.

It rarely is just £500 - there are the lottery numbers, the scratch cards, fruit machines etc. The problem is not how it starts but how it ends.

My father was a hard working man all his life and very frugal with money. He did like an occaisonal flutter. Whenever he was on holiday he would want to gamble a bit and set aside a few hundred (probably going over as well). It was never a problem and they retired very well with healthy savings.

When they sold their big house they made a lot of money and moved to where there are a lot of casinos (and better weather). Because he was retired they would visit the casino for entertainment and the food once a month. Gradually the frequency increased. To make a long story short their savings are gone. The money to buy a smaller house is gone as well. As he lost money he started betting bigger to try to recoup it. The more bad luck he got the more he believed his luck would change and would strike it big. The only thing he likes doing is gambling. They love the glitz of the casinos and he has a social life around going to races.

It makes me feel ill to lose £20 and I can afford it more than they can. I would rather go shopping or put it towards a holiday - at least I know I am getting something.

I worry now for my mother. They have a good pension and are living off that. However with no safety net and no savings whatsoever I worry about what will happen. My mother says she is now paying closer attention to the finances as she never did before and trusted him. I wonder if she really knows how bad things are. They are in their mid-late 70s and his health is deteriorating.

He managed to keep it in check for 65+ years until retirement boredom and the bug really bit. He knows he has a problem and is trying to manage it.

I do not believe it can be managed. He needs professional counselling to find out why he does it and get tips to reprogram his thinking and get control of the urges. He has to do it on his own. You bugging him will only make him get better at concealment. That is when things really go down hill fast because the brakes are off then.

The more his secret is out in the open and he is able to discuss it and tell you about the more likely he is to control it. This is because shame and not wanting to appear weak will be powerful weapons against the addiction.

Good luck, you will need it.

I would leave him