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Original poster

Sister has sent an 'emotive' letter to my dd

28 replies

unicorn · 11/01/2006 12:35

As some of you may know I have had various (big)fallouts with my family over the last couple of years.
It has left me with limited contact with them, but tbqh that suits me - as they don't seem to think a great deal of me.

Anyway my sister has just sent my dd (age 6) a letter, telling her all about her Xmas, New year and ending it "I hope I can see you again soon"

Now, if my sister wanted to sort things out then surely she should be going through me, not using my dd?

OP posts:
Caligula · 11/01/2006 12:45

Yep.

How bloody childish.

Socially inept sister not knowing how to approach you so doing it the easy way through her neice, or manipulative pita?

Spidermama · 11/01/2006 12:47

Really Caligula?

I would think it a nice message of hope. I would consider it an in-road. She's clearly nervous about approaching you directly (as you clearly are of her).

I don't know the history, but I would always want to be

Twiglett · 11/01/2006 12:48

maybe that is her trying to build bridges?

why do you automatically think its a nasty act

I wouldn't expect a 6 year old to be reading their own letter, I would expect them to read it with their parent so its a roundabout way of talking to you which if there have been that many falling outs might be the only way she can do it

can you take a deep breath and imagine whether she's doing it for a good reason .. put yourself in her shoes?

I really don't think anyone who has written you off would bother writing to your child

Spidermama · 11/01/2006 12:48

... on as best terms as possible with my immediate family. Whatever it took.

I think it's a nice thing to write.

Original poster
unicorn · 11/01/2006 12:48

the latter I think Caligula.

During the last row, she actually told me that she didn't come here to see me and dh, just the kids!

I think she feels she has 'rights' and that I am denying her access (I am - coz like most of my family she is a headcase)

OP posts:
Feistybird · 11/01/2006 12:48

Forget how she's done it (although I agree she's gone about it wrongly), she has at least tried to make the first move. What is your initial response to her trying to get back in your life?

Rhubarb · 11/01/2006 12:50

I don't know what your fallouts have been, but I've had similar with my mum. Tbh, if my mum wrote a letter like that to my dd I wouldn't be too bothered, so long as she didn't write anything in there about our fallout in any way. I wouldn't prevent my mother seeing her grandchildren, supervised.

Perhaps your sister is too scared to approach you and simply wants to maintain contact with her niece?

Piffle · 11/01/2006 12:52

If your dd was 14 or older probably the right angle
but a 6 yr old???????

Original poster
unicorn · 11/01/2006 12:52

well that is the crux of it.

She doesn't want to get back in my life - just my dkids(she has none)

Our problems are not ones that can be just forgotten about though- they are quite deep. (she was the one who threatened the nspcc... can't find the thread but there is one!)

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 11/01/2006 12:52

Let your kids maintain contact with their extended family, they can make up their own minds about them when they are older. If you prevent your kids seeing your family, is that not a case of you using your kids to get back at your family? You could be the bigger person in all of this by refusing to let it spill over into bitterness and hatred.

edam · 11/01/2006 12:53

You know your sister best, obviously, but reading it cold without knowing the background, it looks like a nice letter attempting to build bridges. You could always treat it that way and see if that helps.

edam · 11/01/2006 12:54

Just seen your post about NSPCC. Not sure about my last post now, maybe was too generous. Or maybe your sister regrets her behaviour and is trying to make up for it?

Original poster
unicorn · 11/01/2006 12:57

but my kids are too young at the moment, and I want to protect them.

Yes she may haves their interests at heart, but equally she has her own.
She is also quite irresponsible - getting drunk when supposedly looking after them - when they were even younger.
She finds them an 'interesting diversion ' in her life I think - which is generally very selfcentred.

OP posts:
Feistybird · 11/01/2006 12:59

If you want her out of your life, then fair enough.

Original poster
unicorn · 11/01/2006 13:01

my quandry is rhubarbs point.

Do I have the right to decide on behalf of my kids?

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 11/01/2006 13:04

Could she not have supervised visits? Just to keep contact going? I do think it's very sad that when a family breaks down it's the children who are denied contact. Surely that would be fairer if they were old enough to decide for themselves whether they wanted to see them or not? I won't go into details about my mum or stepdad, but they are very manipulative people, my mum is a Christian nutter who would fill their heads up with stuff that I disagree with, and she would try to manipulate them, my stepdad is just a shit, a real shit that I cannot put it into words. But my mother is my children's grandmother and so I will still allow access, she can visit them and I have visited her with them. I would never leave them alone with her and conversation between us is limited to small talk.

I think families need to know their roots, even if you find those roots abhorrent, they'll only be questions later if you don't.

snowleopard · 11/01/2006 13:33

Just want to say I sympathise unicorn. When friends or acquaintances are nutters it's quite valid to keep them away from yoyr kids; with family they can claim some right to see their relative. My sister is similar - childless and a bit messed up and seems to see DS and some kind of bonus for her, a belonging of hers which makes me fume, but because I know she is jealous, I'd feel bad criticising her. We have a supposedly good relationsip and she doesn't know I feel like this. I don't think there's much you can do... I just try to count my blessings - trite I know

XmasPud · 11/01/2006 13:41

I agree rhubarb. There has been more and more in the media about how children and grandchildren lose out by lack of contact when family break down but I think that it is often the aunts and uncles, cousins, even family friends who can lose out too.
Won?t offer any advice, unicorn as I don?t know enough about her. One of my siblings is a manipulative cow who frequently upsets me/is unbelievably rude to me and my mum. She feels that she has total access rights to my children and buys them expensive gifts (usually inappropriate ones she knows they will love and I hate) as a way to wheedle her way in. Trying to do the best for my children, allow them limited access whilst not allowing my sister to walk all over me is a tricky tightrope to walk - biting my tongue so as not to argue in front of my children but then feeling like a doormat etc - very hard. My sympathy.

Original poster
unicorn · 11/01/2006 14:43

Thanks all...
I guess I could arrange for her to come and see the kids when I was out... but then again, dh doesn't particularly want to see her either.
hmmmm, what to do.

I think if she had made attempts at trying to talk about our problems in an adult fashion,(and without resorting to blaming me for everything)then I would be more open to her.

As it is, she thinks she can just carry on where she left off, that there is nothing really wrong.

OP posts:
crunchie · 11/01/2006 15:11

Personally I don't think your sister does have any 'rights' to see your kids. You are the parent here and whilst your kids are under 16 is it entirely up to you what you do.

OK when it is a parent you can discuss access and supervised visits, but for a sister!!

Yes it would be a shame to lose all contact with your relatives, perhaps you can encourage your dd to write back. But unless she specifically asks to see her Aunt I wouldn't waste my time. I had aunts and uncles I never really saw growing up, they lived too far away, so I can't understand what the issue is here.

You don't see your family much, so neither does your kids. I am sure you have friends, your dh's family and others that mean your DD get other outside influences.

Lastly the end of the letter sounds like something I write in every letter/christmas card whatever to someone I haven't seen for a while, so again I wouldn't read anything into that. Maybe she does want to see your DD, but unless she changes towards you why should she.

melissasmummy · 11/01/2006 15:50

I think you need to ask yourself what is best for your children. Not you, your DH, your sister, but the kiddies.

I broke off contact with my friend recently as she said I had changed since having DD & then 2 weeks later she told me she resented my DD being more important to me than she was.

She has 2 children, 17 & 7 both my goddaughters. I see the eldest and have tried to make contact with the youngest, only to be pipped at the post. This child doesn't know her bio dad, she used to call her sister's dad, dad, & now he has been shoved out of her life, her sister was kicked out of home & can only see her at alloted times & now it seems I am not able to see her. She has withdrawn into herself, is clingly & get very easily upset. The last time I saw her she cried & begged me to stay with her (over a yr ago).

This is as a true result of her mother thinking that her daughter's feelings don't matter above her own desires to control every relationship she has had. I am not saying you are doing this, just trying to highlight the reason that you should think of the children first. Will they benefit from seeing her? Is it just another "fad" for your sister or is she really thinking of the children?

If you do let her see them then she has to know that it is them she is letting down/hurting by being irresponsible, not coming over when arranged etc.

Mercy · 11/01/2006 16:13

What was dd's reaction when you read the letter? Does she have any kind of relationship with her aunt?

meggmoo · 11/01/2006 16:24

It is hard to give an opinion knowing so little about history here.

I was going to suggest perhaps supervised visits would be the best way to go forward, if you think this a good idea. I do see the letter she wrote as being a positive step forwards also as she would have known that you would read it to her. I can imagine she may feel she has a right to see them especially if she has no kids of her own and if you were excluding her from previous contact this could have forced her hand with the threats of contacting the NSPCC. I'm not making excuses for her but some people do strange things when they are backed into a corner.

A few years ago pre children my sister and my relationship was a little strained(is great now though) and I know personally I would have been devastated if she had denied me contact with my then only niece. My own ds never sees his other aunt (dh's sister) as she just can't be arsed with him and then has the nerve to get all huffy if he doesn't go to her when we see her which is about once a year! Families!

Are you over what happened when she made the empty threats?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 11/01/2006 16:29

My mum and her sister, whilst close in many respects, fall out over alot of things - particularly their mother.

My mum cant say anything nice about her sister, thinks her sister is always doing something because she wants to "get at" my mum.

She always bad mouthed her sister to us since we were tiny, and in fact she still does.

Now im an adult i can only view it as sibling rivalry (not saying thats the case with you and yours unicorn) and alot of the things my mum tells me seem petty, and quite frankly are based on jealousy and envy. Up until very recently, she would insist on being the "co-ordinator" if i wanted to see my aunt to make sure she wasnt left out/missing anything.

Im an adult now (obv), and see things as they are, and just think its a tremendous shame that my mum cant just see the good in a person. If i say something nice about my aunt im "taking sides".

My aunt is lovely btw, and so is my mum (just a bit mad).

Basically i agree with Rhubarb and Spidermama.

Avalon · 11/01/2006 16:39

Having read your previous posts about your sister threatening to report you to the NSPCC , I think I'd be waiting for some kind of apology from her.

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