DP admitted to suffering from depression and anxiety.

[IslandLiving]

I don't know if I should have posted this here or in mental health. I am a regular poster, but have name changed for this, as I think I may be identifiable in RL under my normal name.

DP and I have been together for nearly 4 years, and have lived together for nearly two. He has just told me that he has just recognised that he seems to be suffering from cyclical periods of depression and anxiety, that seem to repeat in a pattern of every two years.

He has described feeling very down and fed up with work, and this has increased until he has felt completely overwhelmed and panicky. He has been feeling fed up at work, and has been looking to move roles, at least temporarily, but on Friday felt so overwhelmed that his pulse began racing, and he had to leave work and come home.

It was only on Friday that he sat down and plotted times in his past when he has felt the same, and identified four previous times when he felt the same. On each of these occasions he has dealt with it by making a snap decision to change his job, which seems to have brought him out of the depression. But this time, he says that he actually really likes his job, and likes the organisation he works for, so whilst he is feeling fed up at work, he doesn't actually want to change jobs.

He took himself off to the GP today, who has referred him for some counselling to start in the new year. He was also offered medication, but wants to try to get to the bottom of things first, to see if there is a psychological cause before he tries to treat a physiological one.

I just don't know where to start in supporting him through this. I know that at the moment my feelings are secondary to DP's but I am feeling completely like the rug has been pulled from under my feet. DP is my absolute rock. I know that I lean on him a huge amount for support, and he has been great for me in the past 18 months or so, when I have had a really hard time with my own work and dealing with my dad's increasing frailty. One of the things that I really love about him is that I feel that I can rely on him 100%. That the support he gives me enables me to concentrate on my (self-employed) career, knowing that he will take care of a lot of the day-to-day things, and that he provides financial stability, which I don't yet have. I am worried that I am not going to be able to rely on him in this way.

I was previously in an abusive relationship with someone who has all the hallmarks of NPD, and left me to bear the whole of the financial and emotional burden of our relationship. DP has seemed to be such the opposite of this, and is one of the things that really attracted and attracts me to him. I am worried that his depression will trigger in me a reminder of how difficult life with my ex was. I really hope that my love for DP is more than just love for his reliability.

I know that this probably sounds like a self-indulgent whinge on my part- it is DP that is feeling properly depressed and anxious, not me. I just want a bit of space to talk about this, and maybe get some support myself, so that I can be in the best frame of mind to help him deal with his problems.

Thanks for reading all this. If anyone has any advice or experiences to share I would be grateful.

well the good thing is he has gone to seek help .

i suggest you go to gp too to get support for you in this.

you sound anxious - iundertandably so.

Thanks for replying.

DP had to go for a very minor surgical procedure a few days ago to treat an old injury. I was feeling anxious then about it going wrong (it was a simple procedure but in a risky place), but told myself firmly that DP was the one thing in my life which is easy, and at which I don't have to work hard and about which I don't have to worry. How wrong was that? God, I sound selfish.

a short course of CBT might ehlp you address your anxieties - ask GP.
in life things can always go wrong - you couldmake sure you self reliant enough that if anything did happen to dp you would be ok?
not totally rely on another person?

I will look into CBT for myself once DP has got his sorted.

I am close to being financially independent. I finished a period of training in October, and am back to working full time now, but being self employed am plagued by late payments, so my income is still quite erratic. I could just manage the bills and mortgage on my own, but had just started to relax about having enough money for the first time ever really, so I hope this is not a step backwards.

It is the emotional reliance that worries me just as much. Yes, I can be self-reliant that way too, and had to be when I was with my ex, but I was really enjoying having someone to lean on. I know I am going to have to pull back from leaning on DP, at least for a bit, even though my dad still has real health problems that are giving me a lot of worries.

If you can, draw support from RL friends and family. Some areas also have support groups for families of people with depression.

I hope counselling will work, although if he's had cyclical depression don't discount meds. Depression can often be the result of an inherent chemical imbalance in the brain, rather than be trauma causing the imbalance. Keep in regular contact with the GP.

I found the book 'How you can survive wen they're depressed' really helpful too.

Your stronger than you know, hang in there.

DP doesn't want to talk to our friends and family at the moment. His mum has in the past month suffered two close bereavements, and is not in very good health herself. She also tends to 'fuss' - she is always on at him about a back problem that he had, telling him to watch his back and not do things to aggravate it. He last had problems with it about 8 years ago!

He has admitted that he likes to fill the role of being the dependable one, to whom others turn to for support, and hates to think he is a burden on others. He has just said that maybe this is part of his problem, but I don't think that he is ready to deal with his mum's worry about him that telling her would bring.

We have agreed that over Christmas, he might allude to work stresses making him a bit down, and once he speaks further to the GP in the new year to get a proper diagnosis, to talk to people then.

I will have a look at the book, thanks.

It's great that your DP has recognised what's wrong with him and is doing so much to sort himself out, good on him, that takes a huge amount of self-awareness and courage. It sounds like he's doing all the right things to sort this out and I'm sure with time things will get better.

I can totally understand your fears but I do think you need to address how much you depend on your DP. It's normal to feel like another person is your rock and to feel shaky when they're suddenly not well but you have to be able to accept that you can't totally lean on another person. For one thing, it's a dangerous thing to do as if that person becomes unwell, or god fobid, dies you are left in a very precarious position. But apart from that it is very unfair on the person you're leaning on as they feel responsible for your happiness and safety. That's a terrible burden to put on someone.

Perhaps now is a good time for both of you to address the things that are troubling you. Perhaps you could take a leaf out of your DP's book and face your fears head on.

I really don't know if I have been relying on DP too much, and I just don't know now if I will be able to rely on him in the same way.

My career is hugely important to me and has caused me just about 6 years of anxiety and uncertainty as to whether I would ever complete my qualification and be able to make a living from it. The last 18 months have in fact been the most stressful and the support I have had from DP has made it bearable.

It was great to just know that I could rely on DP earning a good salary, so although I should soon be in a position where I can take on full financial responsibility, I didn't have to worry about the bills and mortgage being paid. I also felt secure in that I could focus my energy and attention on my job; that I could work late and not have to worry about DP feeling that I was deliberately ignoring him and getting upset. I think that I was doing enough not to place a burden on him or make him feel bad - I would communicate to him why it was important for me to work late on occasion and would make sure that we had good quality time together in the evenings and weekends as much as possible. The thing that made me feel secure was not that I was burdening him with my stresses and worries, but that I knew he would take responsibility for his own and not burden me with them when I had other things to worry about.

Now, I just don't know. I don't know how much support he needs from me. I don't know if I have to work late and he had had a bad day that I will come tired to a situation that needs yet more of my energy to get through. I don't know if we can make plans for the future that rely on his salary.

I have faced a lot of obstacles and uncertainty in almost every aspect of my life, and have had to work just about as hard as I can to overcome them. I really though that DP and our relationship was the one thing that I didn't have to worry about. Turns out I was wrong. I just wanted one bit of my life to be easy- to just happen without me having to think about it too much. I am so disappointed that this has not my reality any more.

I really hope that DP and I can get through this and that he can still be the stable force in my life that I need. It is the uncertainty that is crushing me at the moment.

Your last post comes across as quite self-centred OP. I can see where you're coming from to a certain extent - you've had a very hard road and you wanted someone to keep you safe, which I think is normal - but your DP isn't your parent, it's not his job to hide his troubles from you in order to give you stability. A father should do that, not a partner. Your DP has really gone above and beyond to help you, and now that he needs help all you seem to be thinking of is how it will affect you. Absolutely no one in the world will be the partner you want, every single person you will ever go out with will at some stage hit a point where they can't support you for some reason or another, whether it be due to illness, bereavement, job loss etc. Expecting someone to constantly be "the stable force" that you need without ever showing weakness themselves is totally unreasonable and unrealistic. I know this is a worrying time, but your DP is suffering and needs help so rather than worrying when he will be the support you need, why not worry about being a support for him? Show him the love and care he has shown you for so long.

CalinDana yes, I know that I am sounding self centred on this thread. That is why I started it - so that I have somewhere to talk about how I feel without burdening DP with my negative feelings.

Of course I want to be as supportive and caring of him as I can, which is why I know I need to work through all of my own crappy thoughts. I don't think that I would be much help to him if I bottle up and ignore my own feelings of upset and worry. Yes, I know that I desperately need to get over these feelings, but pretending they don't exist is not going to help. But at the same time DP doesn't need to be burdened by them, so, lovely MNers, who can be so kind and supportive, I am afraid that I am going to dump these shitty feelings all on you. It would be fab if people can offer words of wisdom as to how I can sort this mess out, and at the very least, writing it down does help.

Has anyone had experience of depression themselves or with a partner/ family member? Is it possible to achieve any degree of consistency in how the depression plays out, or does it by its nature remain unpredictable?

One day at a time..nothing major has happened yet. In fairness your DP is doing a very good job of taking care of his own shit. Just listen to him, a bit of food, some thoughtful gifts and encouragement when needed . That is your role.

..and stop freakin stressin.

My DH suffers from this too. I kind of leave him to it; it is for him to manage it and do all the things that help him keep away from the black dog. We do talk things through from time to time. Counselling may help, but the drugs do too.

I've had severe depression. Really your DP is doing the maximum possible to help himself - I think given how aware he is of his problems he should be on the road to recovery pretty soon all going well. Your role is to support him in practical ways - easing pressure at home if at all possible, allowing him to talk if he needs to, treating him and taking care of him. It is totally possible to overcome depression and anxiety, with my DH's support and the help of anti depressants I did it. I'm fine now.

To be honest I think you have a lot of unresolved issues that it might be worth working on now that you're starting to recognise them. Like I say, your worry about your DP is totally understandable but your feeling that you can't manage without him isn't really healthy. I think the suggestion of starting some CBT or counselling for yourself is a good one as it might help you to feel more secure in yourself and therefore reduce your worry about your DP. Depression is horrible but it's not as bad as you seem to feel it is. Everyone gets sick at some stage in their lives and if you crumble when it happens to your DP that's a very precarious position to be in. It would be good to use this opportunity to strengthen your own confidence and self-reliance.

life is uncertain and you have to find ways to deal with that. CBT could help.

focus on one day at a time when things are tough.

you dont mention children but if you decide to have some with your P then life will be even more uncertain at times and there will be even more challenges.

I've been quite seriously depressed and have behaved like your DP in terms of jobs/quitting etc.

I've had nearly 2 years of psychotherapy which helped enormously. My biggest danger is isolating myself from my friends/family, which I do because I feel depressed and don't want to talk because I feel like they won't be there for me. So it's important to let him feel that the lines of communication and acceptance remain open.

If the situation was reversed - what would you want from him?

Thanks for all the responses. I am reading and trying to take it all in. I'm loving the advice from ike1 .

I'm not sure about the self - reliance issue. I can do self-reliance really well and have done it for years before- pulling down the shutters and becoming completely self-contained so that I don't need anything from anyone is in fact my default position. It's just that I don't think I am the best person to be around when I am like that. I think I am a far warmer, nicer person now that I have learnt to unfurl a little and to accept help and support from other people. Over the last few days I have felt that I have pulled back from DP a bit- not wanting to be a burden on him or to be too needy, but I don't think this will actually be helpful. One of the things that he has always said that he loves about our relationship is that I am very appreciative and reactive to the affection he shows me.

I wonder instead whether the real issue I have to address is to trust DP that I can still rely on him, even though he is suffering depression and anxiety? After all, he is still the same person that I have been in a relationship with, isn't he?

Other thoughts I have had:

I'm a fixer. If I see a problem, I like to work at it until it is fixed. This is one of the things that makes me good at my job. DP's problems worry me because there is no obvious fix. We don't even know what the problem is, let alone how to deal with it.

It is also causing all sorts of alarm bells to flash with echoes of my last relationship. ExP was abusive. He probably suffered from any one or a combination of NPD, depression and alcoholism. Before I knew better, in the dark days before I had heard of MN, I spent six years trying to be supportive of him, and trying to 'fix' him. I completely lost my sense of self, and don't want to repeat such a draining experience. I can't and won't do that again. I want to support DP and help him get better as quickly as possible, but I don't know where the line lays between supporting him and trying to fix.

I have also been thinking back to when I was a teenager. There was a period of time when years of bullying had culminated in me quite literally not having a single friend at school and this coincided with my mum having a severe depressive episode. The complete lack of support I had then led to my physical, and to some extent mental health collapsing.

I don't know what I would want from DP should the positions be reversed. About 18 months ago something happened that made me think that I had lost everything I had worked for in my career, and that I would never make it. I was distraught. I never told DP about the fact that I had deliberately walked along side a hedge to scratch up my hand as the physical pain felt better than the emotional one. I made an excuse about tripping over a curb to explain the scratches. Again, my default position being to hide away from the world and not take anything from anyone when I am feeling low.

It is really great to hear that some of you have managed to overcome your depression and have achieved stability. Thanks for sharing that. It is something that I will hold on to.

Fortunately, DP's work have been really good so far. He had some leave owing in any event so he has been able to take the rest of the year off. He has been doing really well at work and I really hope that this does not jeopardise this. Aim number one is for him to get back to a situation where he can cope with the same job- and then look at other options if that is not possible.

He did talk about things some more the day before yesterday, but yesterday was just "fine". He seems quite cheery being off work, which I think is a good thing - pointing to a situation specific problem rather than organic, maybe.

I had to work hard yesterday to cover the fact that I seemed to be feeling more down and worried than he did. It is hard when the person I most want to talk to about my worries for our future and how this turns out is the one person whom I can't burden with these thoughts. After all, it is not going to help someone suffering from anxiety and depression if I tell him that his anxiety and depression is making me feel anxious and depressed. I am sad that our relationship has to change in this way.

I have got him some St John's Wort and rescue remedy, which he says he will try.

One moment of clarity though- I had wondered what had happens to his libido over the past month, so at least I have an answer to that.

I could really do with some advice on this again.

It is really bothering me what might happen if DP is not able to continue with his work, to the extent that I have been waking at night with this going through my mind.

I know that this is largely my issue- and relates to my relationship with my ex. As I said in an earlier post he was abusive/narcissistic/depressed/a lazy sponger. One of his favourite tricks was suddenly walking out of college courses and jobs. Whilst we were together he left two courses half way through, and left two jobs because he 'couldn't cope'. Never mind that I had rearranged my own plans so that he could do these courses and that I was then left to take on extra work to pay the bills. It was part of that abusive situation and I won't let myself be put back there again.

I do think that DP is different from my ex- the main difference being that DP does seem to be keen on getting help from occupational health at work, and from the GP, in order to deal with his problems, but there are still a few things that are making me anxious.

One thing is that when DP first told me of his problems, I suggested that he try St John's Wort, and he said that he would like to try it. I got him some, as I happened to be going to the chemist for something else. He took it for a few days, with my reminding (he can be a bit forgetful), but I felt like it wasn't really my job to prompt him every day, so stopped reminding him. He stopped taking it. After a couple of days, I asked him if he was still interested in trying it. He said he was, but that he had 'forgotten' to take it. I haven't prompted him again, and he has still not taken any more.

I tried to talk to him today about how he is feeling about going back to work, but he didn't seem keen, just saying that he thought it would be ok.

One of the things that he said when he first told me is that he doesn't want me to worry. That is all very well, but I can't help be concerned with how things will pan out. Also, DP and I have been talking about getting married. Him having depression does not change this at all for me, but it would change things if it affects the life we have together and he takes no steps to address it.

I don't want to burden DP with my issues, but at the same time, I really need to see from him that he is prepared to do whatever it takes to work through his problems. Is it fair for me to tell him this? To say that I need to see him taking steps to address his problems? That if he agrees/accepts that something (such as taking St John's Wort) is a good idea, then he needs to take responsibility for doing it, and not only do it when prompted by me?

Anyone?

Sorry for the long posts.

bump