DP admitted to suffering from depression and anxiety.

[IslandLiving]

I don't know if I should have posted this here or in mental health. I am a regular poster, but have name changed for this, as I think I may be identifiable in RL under my normal name.

DP and I have been together for nearly 4 years, and have lived together for nearly two. He has just told me that he has just recognised that he seems to be suffering from cyclical periods of depression and anxiety, that seem to repeat in a pattern of every two years.

He has described feeling very down and fed up with work, and this has increased until he has felt completely overwhelmed and panicky. He has been feeling fed up at work, and has been looking to move roles, at least temporarily, but on Friday felt so overwhelmed that his pulse began racing, and he had to leave work and come home.

It was only on Friday that he sat down and plotted times in his past when he has felt the same, and identified four previous times when he felt the same. On each of these occasions he has dealt with it by making a snap decision to change his job, which seems to have brought him out of the depression. But this time, he says that he actually really likes his job, and likes the organisation he works for, so whilst he is feeling fed up at work, he doesn't actually want to change jobs.

He took himself off to the GP today, who has referred him for some counselling to start in the new year. He was also offered medication, but wants to try to get to the bottom of things first, to see if there is a psychological cause before he tries to treat a physiological one.

I just don't know where to start in supporting him through this. I know that at the moment my feelings are secondary to DP's but I am feeling completely like the rug has been pulled from under my feet. DP is my absolute rock. I know that I lean on him a huge amount for support, and he has been great for me in the past 18 months or so, when I have had a really hard time with my own work and dealing with my dad's increasing frailty. One of the things that I really love about him is that I feel that I can rely on him 100%. That the support he gives me enables me to concentrate on my (self-employed) career, knowing that he will take care of a lot of the day-to-day things, and that he provides financial stability, which I don't yet have. I am worried that I am not going to be able to rely on him in this way.

I was previously in an abusive relationship with someone who has all the hallmarks of NPD, and left me to bear the whole of the financial and emotional burden of our relationship. DP has seemed to be such the opposite of this, and is one of the things that really attracted and attracts me to him. I am worried that his depression will trigger in me a reminder of how difficult life with my ex was. I really hope that my love for DP is more than just love for his reliability.

I know that this probably sounds like a self-indulgent whinge on my part- it is DP that is feeling properly depressed and anxious, not me. I just want a bit of space to talk about this, and maybe get some support myself, so that I can be in the best frame of mind to help him deal with his problems.

Thanks for reading all this. If anyone has any advice or experiences to share I would be grateful.

Any ideas?

OP, I may be reading your posts wrong, but to me they all seem a bit "me,me,me".
It's your partner who is going through this, not you. In fact, you come across as a bit miffed TBH....almost as though he has stolen your thunder. He needs you to stop acting like a spoilt little girl who he is expected to take care of, and start acting as a supportive, equal partner.
You just keep banging on about how his illness will affect YOUR career, YOUR future plans, YOUR mental and physical wellbeing.
Try looking at it from his point of veiw....for a change.

Well, funnily enough, it does affect me. It's pointless to pretend otherwise or to try to smother my feelings.

What I am trying to do is deal with my feelings so that I can best support my DP.

I am trying to listen to advice people are giving, and am very grateful for any help; I just don't see how 'your views are not important' is going to help me to help DP.

Island I think you sound really very stressed and anxious.
Read through some of the replies you have had already if you need reassurance now, but I echo what others have said, you really need some advice and help yourself.
Please go and see your gp.

And I will say I think ashamed and some others have been rather harsh.
I understand you want to help DP.

Thanks Quick. I do realise that I have a lot of issues to work through, and could probably do with some help myself. I really am trying to find the balance between dealing with stuff myself so I don't burden or over rely on DP, and changing the nature of our relationship. I will try and get some help for myself in the new year.

The issue that I am trying to deal with is to what extent I can be honest about my needs and wants without unfairly burdening DP. This is a big change for our relationship as I have always felt able to be completely honest to him before and that was one thing I really valued. I really don't know if it is fair on DP for me to do that now.

How long has this been going on? Isn't it just a few weeks?
That's not very long for your DP to come to terms with the fact that he is suffering from depression and is perhaps not as tough or as self-sufficient as he believed. Far less to identify the causes and find the right treatment for him.
In your OP you said he didn't want to try drugs yet. Nevertheless you are already buying him OTC drugs and complaining when he doesn't take them!
You really sound as though you think he's malingering or being unreasonable, or that he should have got over this by now so that your life can go back to normal with him being supportive and not needing any support or attention.

It will be a long time yet.
Perhaps it's just that you too have a problem with coping with change and stress, but you are really coming over as very self-absorbed and impatient. I hope you both get the help you need to deal with this.

Poor man, he is plainly overburdened.

You must find kindness within yourself to help him, not consider your fears and impatience.

You must be honest and look into yourself and answer this question "is it a condition of loving this man that he must/should be reliable and look after me? Do you think "He must not/should not be ill".

Because if that is how you feel, I do not think you can really help him now, and indeed you may hinder him in recovering from depression.

Compassion, calmness and kindness are the best things a partner can bring to another if the other is suffering mentally, each deployed with patience. You can only do these things when your own mind is settled. Address the fears swiftly with your GP and go and see a good friend (I mean one who likes your DP!) to get some perspective. It will help you settle your own thoughts and fears.

I would advise against you getting married any time in the near future. You're not ready. Being married means that you support your partner no matter what they're going through, be that depression, cancer, whatever. The fact that you are falling apart because your DP is ill means that you're not able to give that support and he needs to know that. I think you should sit him down and tell him your concerns. Hopefully he'll see that he needs to go elsewhere for his support and he'll protect himself.

My family also tried to force remedies on me when I was depressed (acupuncture, omega 3 oils etc). It's one of the reasons I don't talk to them about myself any more.

Your DP IS taking steps to address his problems. He has been to the GP and arranged counselling. Regular physical exercise is also likely to help as is keeping up with his usual activities and making sure he has a balance of activities that give him pleasure, a sense of achievement and a sense of social connectedness. He might like to buy "Mind over mood" by Green and Padesky. You may also benefit from these things yourself (I think we all can).

St John's Wort is banned in many countries and is not recommended.

It sounds as though the news that your partner has needs of his own has sent you into a complete panic. This is completely understandable in the light of your previous experiences. However you will never meet a partner who can 100% meet your emotional needs and not have any of their own - everyone is just a human being with their own foibles after all. If you want to have relationships you need to come to terms with this reality.

I suggest trying to build your own emotional resiliance (there are books on Amazon that can help) and seeking support from a wider variety of people than just your partner.

Finally, please just be normal with your partner. It will not help if he feels you are panicking or on his case, however good your intentions. Good luck!

And I second pinkhalf's wonderful post.

Hi. I think you need to remember that your DP is ill, rather than having "issues". While we can do things to help, they also have a natural course to run. In my experience, the people who don't like to burden others, who pride themselves on being reliable, are often the ones to suffer anxiety and depression. Yoiur DP needs to rest too.this: is very useful.

I spoke to DP last night. No idea if it was the 'right' thing to do or not, but for me, it is fundamental to our relationship to be able to tell each other how the other person's actions make us feel, and I don't want that to change. I didn't tell him quite how anxious I have been about it, just that it did make me anxious for reasons mostly connected to my ex, and that I needed to see from him that he would work at dealing with his problems.

When I mentioned about the St John's Wort he suggested that I was seeing his actions in not taking it as rejecting my help and support, which is probably true. The issue for me is not so much whether he actually takes it or not, but that he agreed it was a good idea to try it, but then seemingly chose not to carry out that good idea.

I think that dealing with this will bring us closer together, and give us a greater understanding of how each of us works. I need to not worry so much if I can't 'fix' things straight away, and DP needs to learn to give more priority to his needs and wants, and to vocalise these more.

I think we'll get there.

Thanks Born. That book looks really good. DP and I have agreed not to talk about his depression until after the new year, so that he can have a complete break from even thinking about it, but I will see if he wants to try it then. (I managed to say "see if he wants to try it" rather than "get it for him"- progress!)

IslandLiving - it seems to me that your main issue here is your inability to control the situation. You seem to have a need to compartmentalise roles, responsibilities and the part that people play with these. Your 'rock' no longer fits neatly into the box that you have created for him.

You are going to have to take responsibility for yourself and stop using him as a financial and emotional crutch.

Its pressure he does not need, sorry. Having suffered from depression and anxiety myself the tinniest worry can set you off.

I feel you are burdening him, you are an adult. You cannot be dependant upon one person and it is unfair to do that to anybody let alone someone you supposedly love.

I think deep down it is because he HAS to take responsibility for everything that is causing him problems. He is there for you but who does he have? You are too selfish.

Don't touch ST Johns Wort, are you mad!

I take anti-depressants without those I could not function.

All your worry is borne of how this affects you not what this does to him.

I'm not sure how seriously to take your posts Fabby.

I am financially dependant on DP at the moment. We bought a house together about 18 months ago, fully aware that I was about to start a period of training and would have a severe income drop for about 18 months. This was ok, as DP's salary can in fact cover all our expenses. Mine is nearly back to the stage when I can take full financial responsibility, but at the moment it would mean severely cutting back on our standard of living, and to be sensible would involve downsizing. Do you really think it would be helpful for me to say to him that we should make drastic changes to our lifestyle because we can't rely on his income? Would that actually help?

With regards to emotional support, I know I have had a lot from him, but I am surprised that people think I have been a burden. The sort of things I am talking about are taking me on a day out to cheer me up when I was really upset over what I thought was a major set-back with my training; cycling to work for a whole week so that I could have the car to visit my dad when he had a period of illness, and taking over all the cooking and household stuff when I was tired and upset about how frail dad was. That sort of thing. Just big hugs and cups of tea. To me, that is the sort of thing that partners do for each other. Was I really being a burden?

As for who he can turn to, the point of this thread is for me to explore how I can best help him. He has admitted himself that he has trouble asking for help from others, and we talked a bit last night about how I would feel less, rather than more worried if he confided in me more.

I don't understand about the St John's Wort comment. DP's depression seems to be situation specific, so he wants to get to the bottom of why he feels this way before trying a medical cure for the symptoms. It is his choice what he takes.

IslandLiving - Fabby is a regular poster and her contributions are often rather controversial and verging on the unplasant.