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Original poster

WWYD over this Christmas pressie situation?

36 replies

pressiepuzzle · 19/12/2011 11:41

I admit this is a bit trivial compared to many posts here but it is bothering me.

One of my closest friends and me used to give each other Xmas and birthday presents- we live a bit away so rarely see each other on "the day" for either, but nevertheless we gave gifts when we met up. We've been friends for 30 years.

About 10 years ago she stopped buying for me and my DH one Christmas- out of the blue- but gave presents to my 2 DCs. I was hurt but said nothing. I still gave her something but started to make it less personal- flowers, things for the home etc.
She also stopped giving me a birthday present.

She has no children.

At the same time we were still close friends- nothing changed- and in case you are wondering, money is no object for her- they have millions.

She then became erratic with presents for my DCs- she's send a Xmas pressie for the one she was godmother to, but not my other DC- though she never said she was only giving to her godson- I just had to work it out, and it did hurt my DC who didn't really understand why there was suddenly no present for her one year.

This year, my DCs are now working for the firs time and no presents have appeared- she usually sends money or vouchers- so I assume she has stopped because they are working.
I wish she would say- my other really close friend and I have agreeed to stop prseents when our DCs are 21, unless we are a godparents ( we both are to each other's DDs) in which case we will still do Xmas and birthdays.

So now that my friend has stopped buying for my DCs ( and me) I don't know whether to buy for her.

I don't want to embarrrass her by buying for her if she wants to stop and is never going to buy for me-but I feel very uncomfortable over it all.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/12/2011 11:44

If she is one of your closest friends, then pick up the phone and speak to her!

BluddyMoFo · 19/12/2011 11:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellhasnofury · 19/12/2011 11:46

Do you want to give her a gift? If you do, then go ahead but if you'd rather not then just stop it doesn't sound like she'll be hurt by the lack of a present this year. Maybe just send her a card?

Original poster
pressiepuzzle · 19/12/2011 11:48

I would if it was a new situation- but as she dropped the present for me 10 years back, it seems very hard to tackle it now.

What could I say? it would have to be along the lines of "Are you not buying any more for my DCs now they are working?" which sounds a bit grasping and aggressive. Then how do I ask if she wants me to buy for her?

I think the onus is on her to say something, as she is the one who stopped.

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 19/12/2011 11:49

Why do you care about the presents? Just accept that she's decided not to buy for you and yours any more. It's not a massive loss to you, is it?

perceptionreality · 19/12/2011 11:50

My friends and I stopped buying for each other now that we have children and now just buy for the children instead which is fine by me. But that was by mutual agreement.

If I were you I would just stop buying. I don't see how you are going to be able to have a conversation about it that doesn't end in bad feeling. Sometimes it's impossible to know what is going on in the heads of others.

Original poster
pressiepuzzle · 19/12/2011 11:51

Bluddy- I think you have got it wrong. I met my DH through her- and she was our bridesmaid. That is why she bought for him too. I also bought for her and her DH at Xmas- not my fault they have no kids!!!- and I'd try to balance the money ( petty yes) so that I was generous. ( though he does earn a huge 6-figure salary).

If you don't go along with buying until kids are 21 fine- I don't have loads of friends with kids who I used to buy for once they were teens- only this one and one other friend.

OP posts:
perceptionreality · 19/12/2011 11:56

In theory you should give a gift if you want to with no reference to whether you expect one back. It can be awkward though - this year someone bought a present for me and I hadn't bought one for her and I did feel a bit bad about it.

It's not right for her to buy for only one of your children because of course the other will feel hurt but unfortunately it's beyond your control.

tigermoll · 19/12/2011 11:59

Hmmmm.....it sounds like you may be being a bit unreasonable.

She doesn't HAVE to buy presents for anyone. She has spent the past twenty years buying presents for your children. Now she has stopped. Deal with it.

I have this issue, - a lot of my friends have kids (I don't) so Christmas has become more and more expensive and time-consuming for me. This situation will only get worse as they get older and there are even more children to buy for. I had assumed (wrongly, perhaps?) that I was under no obligation to buy gifts/spend a certain amount, and that anything I gave would be received in the spirit it was given.

BluddyMoFo · 19/12/2011 12:00

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 19/12/2011 12:01

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Cinderfella · 19/12/2011 12:01

This year I have reverted back to buying for my friends as throughout the year I am known to buy things for the kids.

To me it reads as

she bought for you and dp
she bought for you, dp and dc
she bought for dc
the children are grown up - she doesn't need to buy anymore.(although my sisters godfather sent me a tenner in the post this christmas and I am 27!! Hmm )

Looks like presents have run a natural end.

perceptionreality · 19/12/2011 12:02

I think how much money people have is irrelevant tbh.

NotJustForClassic · 19/12/2011 12:05

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LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 19/12/2011 12:10

Grow up.

SantaAteAllTheBiscuits · 19/12/2011 12:20

my godmother still sends me money at Christmas and birthdays.... I'm 27 with 3 children of my own and it's frankly embarrassing and awkward.

Your kids are grown up, she obviously doesn't really enjoy buying presents (just because she can afford to doesn't mean she likes doing it) and has been trying for years to gently hint that she'd like to stop.

IMO, as the one with the children being bought for it's up to you to say at some point 'Look, the kids are getting older now and don't really need gifts. Thanks for being such a great aunt/godmother over the years'

You failed to do that so now it's all ground to a mutually embarrassing end. Let it lie!

angel1976 · 19/12/2011 12:50

I don't get all the pettiness around presents. A present is a present, right? It's not called an 'exchange'!

I grew up in a culture where we don't really do presents. Just money for good luck on special occasions. I live overseas now and I find it hilarious my family will go out for dinner 'for my birthday' when I am not there and tell me all about it! Grin.

But with DH's family, presents are all-important. So are birthdays (as we learned the hard way one year when we forgot FIL's birthday but in our defence, we were buying our first house and that was our exchange date!). And I have gone from thinking 'man, that's extravagant' to really loving this tradition. I love putting thought into buying a present and the idea of the pleasure the recipient will get from it. My best friend and I buy presents for each other's children. And then we get each other presents. This year she's getting a cook book. Last year, her DH and her helped us a great deal and we bought them a really lovely hamper. And I know she will receive every gift I give her in the spirit it's given in! I would honestly thank your friend for friendship and thoughtful gifts all through the year!

Original poster
pressiepuzzle · 19/12/2011 13:17

I think some of you are being a bit harsh.

SHE was my friend and I hers long before either of us married or had kids. The issue for me is that she changed. If she had said something like "I can't afford to buy presents for you all" [ which wouldn't be true anyway] then fair enough.

As for her buying for 4 and me for only 2 of them ( her and her DH) I did point out that in terms of £££s I tried to make my gift equal to whatever she spent.( Ie she spent £40 on my DCs so I'd spend the same on her) But that's not the point.

The point is that I feel embarrassed about giving her a gift when she doesn't buy for me.

It's not that I want a bloody present or that I am being materialistic- I frankly am not fussed at all- but it's the way she has changed without saying anything that is odd.

I feel our friendship existed years before DCs and feel hurt that she stopped giving presents to me but carried on with theirs.
I don't tink I need to grow up- I am very old anyway! O

If some of you don't get why it's hurtful, then I can't explain it any more.

It's not about getting a gift- it's about how she perceives our relationship.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 19/12/2011 13:23

This reply has been deleted

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TheFidgetySheep · 19/12/2011 13:26

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QueenCess · 19/12/2011 13:31

I think you need to have a hard look at how you perceive the relationship.

Have an honest conversation with her thanking her for her years of kindness.

A lot of people believe Christmas presents are really for children and they are not concerned about the material stuff for themselves as adults.

Maybe the woman gives a lot to charity and you aren't privy to that information.

Has she been a good friend to you?

TinselMakesSantaBonkers · 19/12/2011 13:59

If you want to give her a present, then do so. It is the season for giving, right? (I do think that as adults, a card is just as representative in saying that you are still thinking/care for her.)

If you do not want to give her one then don't. You are an adult, you get to choose.

If you feel you should, or have to give her a gift out of a sense of obligation, or 'duty' then you can give the gift for your own sense of well being while acknowledging to yourself that in doing so, it will have nothing at all to do with your friend. This is where I am with my toxic middle sister (we are 50ish, fwiw): I sent her a box of Florida oranges (delivered by third party Wink).

The goat suggestion mentioned above was my second choice.

I digress, sorry. Dial into what you feel about it and trust that feeling and go with it. It is apparently the strategy that your friend has used.

And no, I too believe that it has nothing to do with 'money'.

perceptionreality · 19/12/2011 15:41

But when you talk to her do you feel she is the same with you? If the friendship is the same except for the gifting side of it then I really would forget about it as it's not important.

Ephiny · 19/12/2011 15:47

Buy her a gift if you want to give her something. Don't bother if you don't. It's that simple IMO.

If you're unhappy about how the friendship is going, then maybe try to talk to her about that. But I'd do it without reference to presents, because it sounds like that isn't really the issue, and would just make you seem petty.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/12/2011 16:00

Agree that you should just continue if you want to, and don't continue if you don't. I suppose in hindsight, ideally you'd have had a conversation in the past about how long/how much/how expensive/etc in relation to presents, so it was all clear, but you didn't and now I think you and your DCs just have to deal with not receiving presents from her any more.

Also, it is irrelevant how much money she has and whether or not she has kids.