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Original poster

WWYD over this Christmas pressie situation?

36 replies

pressiepuzzle · 19/12/2011 11:41

I admit this is a bit trivial compared to many posts here but it is bothering me.

One of my closest friends and me used to give each other Xmas and birthday presents- we live a bit away so rarely see each other on "the day" for either, but nevertheless we gave gifts when we met up. We've been friends for 30 years.

About 10 years ago she stopped buying for me and my DH one Christmas- out of the blue- but gave presents to my 2 DCs. I was hurt but said nothing. I still gave her something but started to make it less personal- flowers, things for the home etc.
She also stopped giving me a birthday present.

She has no children.

At the same time we were still close friends- nothing changed- and in case you are wondering, money is no object for her- they have millions.

She then became erratic with presents for my DCs- she's send a Xmas pressie for the one she was godmother to, but not my other DC- though she never said she was only giving to her godson- I just had to work it out, and it did hurt my DC who didn't really understand why there was suddenly no present for her one year.

This year, my DCs are now working for the firs time and no presents have appeared- she usually sends money or vouchers- so I assume she has stopped because they are working.
I wish she would say- my other really close friend and I have agreeed to stop prseents when our DCs are 21, unless we are a godparents ( we both are to each other's DDs) in which case we will still do Xmas and birthdays.

So now that my friend has stopped buying for my DCs ( and me) I don't know whether to buy for her.

I don't want to embarrrass her by buying for her if she wants to stop and is never going to buy for me-but I feel very uncomfortable over it all.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 19/12/2011 19:38

Perhaps it hasnt even occured to her.
Alot of families have an agreement where the adults get presents unless they have children as it means that childless people are spending more and receiving less than the families.

It may not be that she views you differently but is doing what is done in her family and it hasnt crossed her mind that you may do it differently.

Assuming that she views your friendship differently is a bit of a leap to take on the basis of what she has done about Xmas presents.

rookiemater · 19/12/2011 19:42

I think presents for adults when there are children to buy for is a bit precious tbh. I find it a tad annoying that my friend insists on one for christmas as it means not only have I to buy a family present, present for their kids ( they have two we have one) but also one for her,just so we have something to unwwrap on Christmas day.

Just say to her, oh shall we stop buying each other Christmas presents as the children are grown up. Oh and btw just because the birth dates of your DCs is precious to you, doesn't mean that she will remember it, I have two godchildren and need to be reminded of their birthdays.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleepAtXmas · 19/12/2011 19:56

My childless friends buy for my DC (and not me), and I buy for them. I don't think it's fair to be expected to shell out for kids and adults, especially when you've not got any kids of your own.

And her being a millionaire is irrelevant. It's not about the money, is it?

FatGoose · 19/12/2011 20:43

unless you have access to her bank accounts, you have no idea of her financial situation

shinyblackgrape · 19/12/2011 22:10

Agree that you just stop buying. I would do the goat thing for her per above and then send an email in the new year thanking her for all her kindness over the years. However, you're cutting right back on present buying - hence the goat - therefore happy to reach am agreement that neither of you buys for each other or your respective families (to cover the dcs) from now on.

This is maybe beat said face to cafe but I'm a wuss so would do email!

shinyblackgrape · 19/12/2011 22:11

Face to face. Not face to cafe! Bloody phone! Sorry for other typos too!

LondonMumsie · 19/12/2011 22:47

Face to cafe sounds good! Meet up, treat each other to time together, forget about gifts.

Heleninahandcart · 19/12/2011 23:27

I think your friend has been rather good to all of you over the years. Multiple presents as your family has grown, all takes thought, shopping, sorting as well as the money. You seem to have come to expect all this. Maybe she just felt it was too much for her to manage, you may not be the only friends with children she bought for. Maybe her job is particularly demanding, and she just doesn't have the capacity to go on catering for all of you. People end up with different lives, it doesn't mean she cares any less.

If you raise this with her, for goodness sake make sure you let her know you have appreciated all the presents over the years. Otherwise don't be surprised if she is seriously pissed off at having all her effort over the years taken for granted, because that is was it may feel like to her.

catsareevil · 19/12/2011 23:34

You do sound quite unreasonable.

It seems like the present buying has come to a natural end. If you are that bothered then you could get her a present this year, and then if she doesnt get you anything you are safe to assume that it has finished. But its not meant to be about giving to get something back. Why would you assume that she would send presents for your working age DC? Dont you think that would be strange?

oliviasmama · 19/12/2011 23:35

Shall we just make it simple:

if you would like to buy her a pressie, go for it, it doesnt matter who in your family she does or doesnt buy for, in my book the pleasure is in the giving....and if you dont fancy buying her one, then dont.

pressiedilemma · 20/12/2011 08:42

well, a range of opinions here....

Fatgoose she is a close friend. How do you know that I don't know how much money they have? I do.

It seems it all comes down to different expectations and how I treat other friends....and how they treat me.
I have another very close friend known for over 30 years ( we are all in our 50s) and we each buy for each others kids until they are 21. I've gone to the effort of buying for her 3 kids for 21 years- Xmas and birthdays- and for her too. When they are 21 I'll still buy for her. We've agreed we will buy for 1 child now they are an adult because we are godparents to each other's daughters- and we both grew up in families where godparents were generous- maybe unusual- but mine continued to send me a Xmas cheque until I was working and so did hers..

Re. my friend putting in the effort- for ages now she has given them a cheque- so she is not thinking what to buy. She usually asks me first if that would be okay and yes, I've said to her that she need not continue to send anything now they are older. My kids also thank her - by a phone call or text.

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