Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me tell DH it's over

37 replies

Newjob1 · 19/12/2011 10:58

Just a quick post to say please help me tell DH it is over tonight. It is a long story but we moved overseas a year ago. It was my idea, but it's his job that we moved with. I was pregnant so have taken 1 year's maternity leave. I just told work I wasn't coming back, they were fine about it, but I felt dreadful, so have just told them I am coming back in January.

My family all support me coming back, as DH has been a controlling bully, and I have run away twice. We haven't done counselling, but we were planning to start in January. I know it is the right thing to leave, as I feel so weak and no self-esteem left. I can't imagine applying for other jobs and going for interviews, at least returning to my old job will be easier.

The down side of leaving is that he was so upset when I talked aout it previously. He is really good looking and rich! And in theory everything should be perfect living a millionaire's lifestyle here. I can't bear hurting him, but I know it is now or never. We now have a lovely DC, I don't want her to grow up seeing me weak. But he doesn't want to be living overseas with her growing up in the UK.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/12/2011 11:02

Be carefull!! This is a dangerous part of splitting up. Has he ever been violent?

Anyone who can help you? I would be inclined to just go and explain it all in the phone later. You need to avoid his anger

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 11:04

Oh love, well done for getting the courage together!

FWIW, the counselling is a waste of time, and in fact will make matters worse, so don't beat yourself up about that. It'd never make any positive difference.

Ignore the snot and tears. If he really cared about you, he'd be nice. Your family are behind you, come back home, get your job back and don't look back.

What HE wants is immaterial. HE CHOSE to bully you. He never had the right to dictate your life to you.

You can (and must) do this. Whatever you need, let us know, we'll all move heaven and earth to support you here as much as we can.

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 11:05

I second not telling him actually. Just come home for a trip and don't go back.

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 11:06

My X is fabulous looking, beyond accomplished in the sack and has money.

For all the things he has done and said to me, i would not piss on him if he were on fire.

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 11:10

What's the legal situation with you taking your child out of the country, OP?

Are you both British?

If there's any risk of violence, don't tell him face to face. Come back here on holiday then tell him.

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 11:10

Why are you with him then, Houdini?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 19/12/2011 11:12

It's wonderful that you have a job and a supportive family to move back to.

I remember your story and am glad you have made the decision to leave.

I would second the suggestion to already have different living arrangements in place before you tell him the marriage is over. You are perfectly entitled to call him to tell him it's over while you are home with family for the holidays, for example.

Be prepared to be very firm and consistent once you have made your announcement, and to only communicate (or react to communications) about the divorce procedure and DC, for example. If he is being difficult in any way (disbelieving and disdainful of your decision, tearful and repentent, threatening, ...) don't hesitate to have a third party filter communications, like a family member or a solicitor.

Good luck.

catherinea1971 · 19/12/2011 11:15

Come home with the little one then tell him.
I was in a similar situation and that is what I did, at Christmas time too, I came home and then called him a few days later to say the marriage was over.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 19/12/2011 11:17

Blether, she said "X"

MarchelineWhatNot · 19/12/2011 11:20

Whereabouts are you Newjob1? I hope to God you are not in Dubai, as he can stop you leaving.

mothermirth · 19/12/2011 11:21

OP, you can do this, but be careful about the legalities.

I left my bullying XP several years ago when we were living abroad. I came back to the UK with our DC without telling him what I was planning to do, and only told him the truth on the phone once we were home.

I only found out afterwards that what I did was technically illegal because our DC were already established in school there.

We are still here, he is still there and I have never looked back, not for a single second. Bullying is wrong and you deserve a better life for you and your baby.

I understand exactly what you mean about having low self-esteem and feeling weak; I was the same. But you need to leave before you feel even worse and become too weak to get out.

Having a job waiting for you will make it so much easier to make the transition. Lean on your family and let them help you through this.

Good luck with everything.

catherinea1971 · 19/12/2011 11:22

How can he stop her leaving if she is in Dubai?? I am basing that question on assuming that the baby was born in UK....

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 11:24

Sorry, Houdini, didn't notice X. Glad you left him.

mothermirth · 19/12/2011 11:27

Catherinea1971: I don't know if he can stop her leaving; I was just trying to make her aware that the law might not be on her side.

But I second what other posters have said: the most practical solution might be for the OP to leave first and tell her H afterwards.

Original poster
Newjob1 · 19/12/2011 11:27

Thanks guys. That's what I did when I ran away twice, I came home for a holiday then said I wasn't going back, then relented and came back anyway. His family arrive tonight for Xmas. They'll obviously be on his side, but I do think I'll be safe.

It's a nightmare isn't it? Most of my friends are single and they thought I was so lucky when I got married and had a baby. Then they can't believe what a wonderful life we have here. But some of them came to visit a few weeks ago and I heard them chatting and laughing in their room, and I realised with a shock that I haven't heard the sound of laughter for a whole year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newjob1 · 19/12/2011 11:35

No we're not in Dubai

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 19/12/2011 11:37

Newjob, I made the mistake of going back, I said I would go back and try because my dd was in school and I had a job, I also wanted to pack up my house myself not leave it to him...his behaviour was ok for a week or so, then he escalated, although he never laid a finger on me I count myself very lucky that I wasn't sent home in a body bag as his behaviours were indicating serious violence. In some ways I am pleased I did go back for a while as it reinforced why I had to leave both for dd's sake and my own..

MarchelineWhatNot · 19/12/2011 11:37

How can he stop her leaving if she is in Dubai??

If she lives in Dubai (which she probably doesn't) he couldn't stop her leaving as such, but he could prevent her from taking the DC with her. Here, the DC are considered to be the chattels of the DH.

Every time I go through Immigration with my DC (both in and out of Dubai), my DH gets a text message to his mobile alerting him to the fact that we are attempting to leave or re-enter the country. This is normal here.

MarchelineWhatNot · 19/12/2011 11:37

No we're not in Dubai

Thank goodness.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 19/12/2011 11:43

agree with everyone else - don't tell him in advance.

if he doesn't want to live overseas away from his child then he can always move back himself.

please don't tell him.

you have your job and your family to return to. will you stay with them temporarily till you find somewhere of your own? think i missed how old your dd is?

dreamingbohemian · 19/12/2011 11:47

Why do you want to tell him tonight?

I know you want it to be over, but with living overseas, you need to be strategic about all this.

When is the earliest you could arrange a holiday back to the UK? I strongly agree with everyone else, you should come back for a holiday and then just stay. I think it would be incredibly risky to do it any other way.

catherinea1971 · 19/12/2011 11:51

Marcheline, were your children born over there or is your DH a national? I ask because I lived in Saudi (where I fled from ex) and they do not have anything like this there, well not for expats anyway...

MarchelineWhatNot · 19/12/2011 11:55

Marcheline, were your children born over there or is your DH a national?

No, we were all born in the UK.

catherinea1971 · 19/12/2011 12:01

Marcheline, that really surprises me as Saudi is significantly more strict as a country, I was lucky then!

Newjob seriously just leave, you have a job to go back to, family that will support you and friends it is no way to live how you are now.

MarchelineWhatNot · 19/12/2011 12:06

Saudi is not nearly as well organised as the UAE. It is very backward in comparison. On many levels.

OP, sorry to hijack your thread. I also agree that you should go home.