Help me tell DH it's over

[Newjob1]

Just a quick post to say please help me tell DH it is over tonight. It is a long story but we moved overseas a year ago. It was my idea, but it's his job that we moved with. I was pregnant so have taken 1 year's maternity leave. I just told work I wasn't coming back, they were fine about it, but I felt dreadful, so have just told them I am coming back in January.

My family all support me coming back, as DH has been a controlling bully, and I have run away twice. We haven't done counselling, but we were planning to start in January. I know it is the right thing to leave, as I feel so weak and no self-esteem left. I can't imagine applying for other jobs and going for interviews, at least returning to my old job will be easier.

The down side of leaving is that he was so upset when I talked aout it previously. He is really good looking and rich! And in theory everything should be perfect living a millionaire's lifestyle here. I can't bear hurting him, but I know it is now or never. We now have a lovely DC, I don't want her to grow up seeing me weak. But he doesn't want to be living overseas with her growing up in the UK.

even egypt needed you to have a letter from the father approving you taking your kids out of the country.

This is what I mean about being strategic.

Say you're going home for a holiday so you can get that letter.

Santa, I lived in Egypt (tho DS born here in UK) I never needed any kind of letter/permission.

I do have a letter signed by shithead, just in case I ever get questioned, but he never knows my plans anyway.

I wouldn't tell him in advance either. Take courage in the knowledge of what you intend to do and keep quiet until you're home and safe.

Newjob1 - I remember your other threads. I am really happy that you have found the strength to leave him.

Don't tell him tonight, don't tell him at all until you are safely out of the country. One day, when he is out, just pack up your things and get a flight home. If you have a friend there, take your other things to their house until you can get them shipped or sent over.

His family are his family, don't rely on them keeping quiet or supporting you - blood is thicker than water more often than not and the fact that you are taking their grandchild away will not help them see sense.

Call him when you are here & safe. I really fear he might be violent if you tell him it's over before you leave.

ah, my friends children were born there hissy so maybe that made a difference? she had to have letter of permission to take the kids out but they found it was easier for him to just go to the airport with her as sometimes they'd get all dubious with the letter even.

Santa, you are probably right. No-one even dared question me...

I can give a very mean stare.. enough to silence and turn a man to a gibbering wreck at 20 metres...

Well I couldn't bring myself to tell him it was over in the end. He was really upset at the thought of it, and we had quite a nice Christmas. Over the last week we have probably talked more than we did in the last year. I'm pleased that he is so committed to me. His family got mega involved as they were staying with us, and I was pleased that DH always supported me in front of them, and reassured them I wasn't being malicious.

We've said to each other ideas to make the relationship better, and DH feels any problems we have left can be solved by counselling.

I suppose if I'm honest it feels too soon to leave. I would like the relationship to work and I would like to have more children. It's hard to know what a normal relationship should be like.

He definitely has some issues, like he feels it's his place to tell me what to do, and if I can't do what he asks for any reason then I should explain myself to him. Then I imagine he will judge whether that is acceptable or not. He can't get it into his head that that's not right.

I mistakenly spoke to his sister about this, and she suggested why don't I ask him to write a list of what he wants done and I will tick them off when I've done them. That's not right is it?? That is what you would do with a lowly employee. Please agree with me that that is not right.

But on the other hand he will actually do whatever I ask him to do, although sometimes there is a massive stress till we get to that point.

He also gets angry about things really easily, like people not shutting the door and letting the heat out the room.

Can you tell me some normal relationship examples and I will see how I feel?

With all due respect, OP, is there any point? Relationships really shouldn't be this much hard work

are you in singapore?

No, for him to issue lists of instructions for you does not sound right.
Why do you need to ask what's normal, by the way? How old are you? What's your relationship history like? Why do you find it "hard to know what a normal relationship should be like"? (Not criticising?just trying to understand.)
What happens when he gets angry about things like people not shutting doors? Who does he direct his anger at? How does he show it?

OP, have you done some research? There are plenty of examples of abusive behaviours and red flags - THAT's the only list you should be paying attention to.
His sister has got it backwards - HE should be making things better for YOU.
Plenty of us have been through abusive relationships, with very minor nuances, most abusers act the same - as if they've ;learned from a textbook.
You KNOW that you deserve better. You KNOW you are not safe. It's not a question of IF you leave, but WHEN.