Wavering tonight

[Lovingfreedom]

Hi, Despite my latest incarnation as Lovingfreedom, this evening I have started wavering again for the first time in several weeks. My DH left in early November having been a financial leech, lazy, emotionally abusive and at least emotionally unfaithful if not actually fully adulterous (think he was both though). Since he left I've realised how little he did, haven't missed him much or at all, have re-kindled my social life with friends and family and have even been on a date with a friend that I've now got a huge crush on. Kids are happy, I'm happy, the house is much cleaner, quieter, calmer, nicer and more loving. All the Xmas presents are bought and wrapped for the first year I can remember and I've even been doing some DIY (as in home improvements ;-)) I have been communicating with my ex only when necessary about arrangements for kids. More recently over email for discussing a separation order and what that would entail. Got a bit awkward but I was ok with how it was progressing. Then today his Mum came to see me. I told her I was great, not missing him and set her straight about load of things that were wrong with relationship. Later he phoned, long argumentative call telling him straight no possibility of reconciliation at all. I'm moving on, I'm happier, don't love him, don't miss him blah blah. Well he came up to get kids stuff this afternoon, in tears. Didn't move me at all. I haven't cried in front of him or on phone to him for weeks. Not crying much any more alone either. Feel like I'm pretty much over it. But then this evening I feel the wavering is back. How do you deal with this. I think it is just some kind of hankering after 'normality' - know I'm doing the right thing though by sticking to my decision (which I did not make lightly or easily). Help!!

Regardless of the recent stuff. You loved this guy once so maybe it was his tears that set you off a bit wobbly tonight?

You sound like you've come so far already so you can certainly get through tonight. Take it one day at a time.

yes, maybe that's it. He's financially very much worse off now than he was when we were together. He says he's lost everything but is asking for a lot from me as a financial settlement, nevertheless. He only ever had anything because I paid for it all. So, I don't feel he is entitled to all he's asking for. He's just realised that he will have to work full time if he is to get a mortgage, or even to pay the rent on the flat he's taken on. He's been crying like a baby recently from what I can gather. I've suffered for years from this guy taking me for granted, refusing to contribute and not showing any gratitude or even contentment for the very easy life-style I've provided him with. I need to keep it together for myself and my self esteem, which has improved hugely recently since we split, and for my lovely kids. I think realising that I don't love him and telling him that was quite difficult today. Maybe I shouldn't have. He says that he loves me more than ever. I feel that he is mixing up love with missing a rather cushy life-style, with a very attentive (and misguided and frustrated wife) and will never really change. I don't really want him back at all, i'm not even thinking about it really, but the emotional stuff is difficult. Natural inclination is to try to make someone feel better, not to be hard and reject them. Has to be done though I think.

I doubt you are pretty much over it'. takles a long time, you are doing really well but natural to waver as you are still grieving.

((hugs))

good luck :)

All your instincts are right... its just an act. He had years to sort himself out but he's a selfish prick and you have done so well to extract him from your life. What ever promises he making now are empty so don't get sucked in for a second x

Let me get this straight- part of the reason why he's so upset is because he will now have to work full time (what like most of the population!)? boo hoo. You are well rid!

'Wavering' is entirely understandable, - you are sad about losing what you thought you had/your hopes for the future/the person you hoped your OH would be.

Even though you KNOW he is a useless waste of skin, it's hard to totally give up on someone, and you wouldn't be human if you didnt occasionally wonder 'am I doing the right thing?'

But rest assured, you ARE doing the right thing, - and you know that, deep down. He says he loves you now, and is trying to make you feel guilty enough to take him back (or even just to get a more generous pay-off from you!) - DON'T BE FOOLED! He is trying to manipulate you into making his life easier for him AGAIN, and you aren't going to do that any more.

Totally normal. Once the initial relief and adrenalin has subsided, having a wobble is totally to be expected.

I'd suggest that it's not him you are even wobbling about, it's more the actual grief of mourning the relationship, what COULD have been if he were not the most ginormous ARSE.

Google for Freedom Programme, see if you can get on one in the new year, look for DV support groups in your area and go and have a chat/coffee, they can be a really helpful place to discuss your RL issues and to get REAL tangible support from people that have been where you are.

Come talk to us here, or on the EA support thread. There is always someone there to listen to you and give you a hug if you need one. Boots up bottoms can also be administered if required!

Thanks guys - that's such amazing support and just what I need. I had a good night out tonight. Works Xmas thing. Civilised lunch followed by a pub quiz. Karaoked 'like a virgin' and chatted to a friend of friend who is 26 and lovely!! They all seemed to think that 40 is close to death but was fun!! Thanks thanks for support. I've still felt a bit wavery all day but haven't called him and won't do anything against the break up. I know it IS the right thing. Thank you. xx

i do think that the wavering is around hankering after a sense of normality, rather than seriously wanting the relationship back. Thought I'd done the grieving thing but possibly more to do. Will stick in with it though. Thank you all.

You have done so well so far. Well done you!
It's natural to waver occasionally. You were in love with him - feelings don't just disappear over tonight - no matter how much of a prick they are/have been. I think he's just panicking because of how calm and sorted you are - so he's thinking - 'Quick do something!' - As the other posters have said - keep as you are - ignore his attempts. You sound stronger without him!
How are you feeling now? Well done for doing so well xx

Hi ConfusedGirlSuze - I feel a bit crap, tbh, and distracted. He's been in touch with some stuff about how upset the kids are (they stayed with him last night) and how he caught my DD with her boyfriend in his flat when she was supposed to be making mince pies. That might be true but kids seem really well to me - upset of course, but my DD seems more chilled out and at ease at home (with me) and we have got a lot closer recently. I think she seems more secure rather than less if anything. My DS is upset about not being a proper family and I'm sure seeing his Dad carrying on like this doesn't help. I am calm and sorted most of the time. But on a slight downer today (probably slightly due to the booze last night though - I'm out of practice!).

How old are you children? {Sorry if I've missed that one} - I thinks it's the same as most things you have bad days and good days - but don't give yourself a hard time for a having a bad day. It's natural.
I think in time your children will see how strong and brave you are and be proud of what you did. I think your son will never miss the feeling of not having the family altogether - I still miss that now!
Try and keep busy today - Watch a Christmas film - that will make you feel warm and fuzzy inside x

My DD is 14 and DS is 10. Thanks for your kind message. That's just what I feel like doing I think. Cuddle up with kids and an old sentimental film!
x

Perfect :) Your children will be fine - They at the age when they are figuring things out for themselves, making opinions on people and the world around them. Of course it'll hurt at first and there will be a few teething problems - but what matter ultimately is (all) your happiness. Ignore him and his futile attempts - concentrate on you and your DC's and having a nice Christmas together xx

Watched 'The Polar Express' with the kids and shared a packet of 'Jazzies'. My daughter said earlier that she feels angry about something and it flashes into her head but she can't tell what it is. I wish I could help her with this more. But we cuddled up on the sofa with duvet and she snuggled in to me and made babyish noises. DS put his school tie in his mouth and then pulled it out like a long tongue to make us laugh.

lovingfreedom I am in same position so know exactly what you mean by the wavering thing. I wake up some mornings and think "yes! I've definitely done the right thing!" then a half hour later find myself pining for the normality of the way things were. Doesn't help that it's Xmas either ! My H is an alcoholic ( otherwise a lovely man) but he's fallen off the wagon for the umpteenth time and I just can't take anymore. He's sober again now - this is my hardest " wavering time" as I see the nice side of him again . It's really hard not letting him come back but I'm trying to stick to my guns. I suppose just want to be certain that I'm doing what's best for my DCs (14 & 11). Phew I've rambled on haven't I! Goodluck you sound like you're made of strong stuff. You've made me realise that I'm not alone in feeling like this, especially with it being Xmas.

Shineybright - thanks for sharing this. Sorry to hear that you're going through similar but it is good to know that I'm not alone with this. I know what you mean about seeing the nicer side. My DH can be very reasonable, understanding and seemingly loving. He's been in tears too every time I've seen him or spoken to him recently. He's also never going to change and if I throw him another life-line it will be no good. I'd never go as far as taking him back now I'm sure...but rough couple of days. In the early days I wrote a lot down and then read it back when wavering. Found that very useful. Think I might start that again. MN is great for support too isn't it?

lovingfreedom & Shineybright- I am also in the same position. My Ex-H is also an alcoholic who is, predictably in the cycle, at the moment reasonable, interspersed with bouts of crying for forgiveness. Even having been in this same cycle for over 10 years I still waver on his better days. MN has been a great support and outlet, I've learnt a lot from other posters even further down the cycle than me and that always helps me take my children into account and whether I could truly allow the whole of their childhoods be spent with 2 dysfunctional parents.
What are you doing about Christmas ? I'ts going to be so weird...

Yes MN is great for support lovingfreedom. I was feeling really s**t an hour ago and now feel alot more positive - until tomorrow that is . stay strong and I'll try too

Hi hiding I'm trying to keep Xmas as "normal " as possible for the DCs. H is sober ( he binges for 2-3 months every year / 8 months so I know he'll probably stay dry until next summer ? Who knows! Basically am not too worried he'll drink over Xmas as pretty sure he w

..... Won't so have invited him to stay for few days so we can have a family Xmas - doing this for DCs

Hi both, Thanks for your messages. I've got a special treat outing for the kids and their friends on 23rd then opening presents from me on 24th. Kids are going to MIL & FIL on Xmas Day and I'm going to my friend's house. Then I'm away to visit my sister from Boxing Day with the kids. Will be different but we'll all get through it. My DH is not alcoholic but Xmas with him/his family usually stressful so I'm actually looking forward to peace and calm. I imagine Xmas is usually pretty difficult for alcoholics/family of alcoholics. You're both well out of your relationships by the sound of it.

Sorry Shiney, posts crossed there.

Have a good Xmas both and check in in the New Year ( or sooner if wavering!)

You too. Be thinking about you! Stay strong. You're doing the right thing (and so am I!) All best.