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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'I love you but I'm not in love with you' (previous thread) what happened next

76 replies

MardyPants · 18/12/2011 21:35

Previously posted with 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' thread and approx 100% of you said my DH was having an affair.

100% of you were right.

I found out today.

She is a serial homewrecker, as far as I am aware she has never had a partner who wasn't married to someone else when she met them! She doesn't keep the men all that long once she's got them, just ruins their lives and everyone's around them, then (probably) gets bored and moves on to the next.

Am almost feeling sorry for my DH now, landing himself with a bitch like that. Soon as she takes a fancy to someone else's H he'll be dumped like a sack of shit.

Not feeling as sorry for him as I am feeling for myself though.

What to do now? Would love all the advice I can get as am not really capable right now of rational thought.

OP posts:
BayPolar · 19/12/2011 19:59

Redruby
Awesome!!!!
Xmas Grin

rosesnewdress · 19/12/2011 20:00

well done you!

BayPolar · 19/12/2011 20:04

p.s Just got the latest - well done, Mardy.
And what a fool he is for calling such a trollop of a woman, 'lovely'.
May the needles fall off their tree.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 19/12/2011 20:06

May the needles fall off their tree.

Xmas Grin and may it suffer from wilt Xmas Wink

paulapantsdown · 19/12/2011 20:19

may his baubles shatter

may his crackers not bang

may her stocking remain hanging empty

Mumfun · 19/12/2011 22:52

Very well done - you are a strong woman :)

Now get to a lawyer pronto. Also probably to a GUM clinic if you slept with him at all recently.

And get some counselling/support. You need to look after you now - you need to recover from his awful behaviour and move on. You will have anger to deal with and upset. You need to plan that you will have some bad days but they will become less and less as time goes on. YOu need to get the best financial etc settlement that you can.

carantala · 19/12/2011 23:26

mardypants - So sorry about the awful betrayal; best wishes

redrubyshoes · 20/12/2011 10:12

Mardy

You will be okay. Get a lawyer asap and gather your friends and family around you, you will need them more than you think. Do not contact him unless it is totally necessary and stay cool when you do.

catsrus · 20/12/2011 10:54

I agree with rubyredshoes - keep your cool at all times and keep the moral high ground, really - the best form of "revenge" is to emotionally cut off from him and live a happy life.

It's just over a year since my exH left for the OW (now married to her) and I was walking down the street the other day looking at the decorated shops and feeling very happy. I've got good relationships with the old in laws and wider family and friends, no-one felt they had to take sides (but I know that they are not impressed by his actions!). According to one of my dcs he is having a hard time ATM, all sorts of things going wrong, my dc just said "karma"!

What have you always wanted to do? what was being in that relationship stopping you from doing? Have you wanted to travel? change career? now is the time to create the future you want so go for it! Spend time with friends who energise you and build you up - not any who drain you. You will probably have ups and downs for a good while, life will be a roller coaster, just know that a 'down' will be followed by an 'up' and you just need to ride it out - with the help of your family and friends.

good luck

redrubyshoes · 20/12/2011 11:07

"She dumped / threw out her DH about 4 days after I got the 'I love you but...' bollocks (obviously waited til my DH had dropped his bombshell first). Her DH left straight away, he says she is the kind of person that if he had insisted on staying in the house, she'd be ringing the police on him saying he was being violent."

Be careful with the OW's husband Mardy stay away if you can. It can be tempting to spend cosy evenings with someone who is in the same boat to share stories but, just what if he was violent and said that to cover his tracks if ever she cites DV to a lawyer?

Tread carefully, like I said, keep your ears open and say little.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2011 11:08

I didn't see your other thread, but I am full of admiration for the way you have protected yourself

Watch out for the emotional crash...it will come, be ready for it

Make sure you have plenty of family/friends around you over xmas

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 20/12/2011 11:40

that's a really good point redruby. its easy to read more into the contection you have with him than is there and to make him into someone who you think he should be.

life is never that clear cut and he is still a total stranger.

Find your real life friends you know you can depend on. They will be greater than you can imagine, even if they have not been through this. they will stand by your side in ways that will make you proud to know them.

Abitwobblynow · 20/12/2011 12:33

Keep to the high road, Mardy, follow redruby's advice.

This will go pear shaped after the luvvin feelings wear off. Don't do anything that lowers you to their level.

And stay away from the abandoned husband, don't form a triangle there.

eandz · 20/12/2011 18:37

Mardy

how are you today? I think you've handled everything fantastically. I agree with redruby though, she has good advice.

MarriedToTheGrinch · 20/12/2011 18:58

sort out your finances and see a solicitor first, get the papers drawn up and then leave them under his windscreen wipers when his car is outside her house.

Original poster
MardyPants · 21/12/2011 12:39

Felt really good the other night when he took his stuff and left his keys. But now am just lying in bed thinking about how he said he's leaving me 'for love', I know now I have to face up to that he's never coming back, this isn't just a phase.

What do I do? How do I get over this? Please help me :(

OP posts:
Original poster
MardyPants · 21/12/2011 12:52

catsrus your H left 1 year ago and he's already married to someone else?! He doesn't waste any time! How did you go about getting to where you are now, being happy again?

I so need a plan. Think I shall make a list (lists are my favorite).

What is anyone's opinion on a drunken rebound Christmas Eve snog with a stranger? Should the opportunity arise obviously! Is it too soon? Tempted to do it but am worried will stress myself out further by feeling guilt due to still being married!! OMG.

Also, apparently you can't divorce til you've been married 12 months! Is this correct? (Heard it on here and H also mentioned it, bet she's got her foot up his arse to get me out of the picture asap!!) Do I still need to get a lawyer straight away??

OP posts:
MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 21/12/2011 13:03

The sooner you see a lawyer, the sooner you can begin to sort out what you are going to do and then the sooner you can start trying to get control of what's going on. Its a tough old journey but that will help loads.

lazarusinNazareth · 21/12/2011 13:05

I would see a solicitor to make sure you know where you are financially if nothing else at this stage Mardy.

He is saying he is leaving you for love? What a bastard. Whatever he thinks he is doing it for, I very much doubt it is anything to do with love.

Just take one day at a time. A drunken snog might make you feel better for a little while but I doubt it will for long...

Look after yourself, gather your RL support around you, make as many lists as you like (I love a good list personally) and don't expect too much from yourself. Give yourself a break.

februarybaby · 21/12/2011 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackcurrants · 21/12/2011 13:11

"He is saying he is leaving you for love? What a bastard."
yeah, that was what I was thinking.

I'd veto the drunken snog, Mardy, I think your role here is Ice Queen, wronged wife, on the surface poise and (inner, quiet, powerful) rage on the inside fuelling you. Keep hold of that high ground and use it to kick him to kingdom come!

redrubyshoes · 21/12/2011 13:12

Mardy

Yes you do need a lawyer. They will give very practical advice and take the emotion out of it as well. Take notes as you will probably only take in 30% of what is being said. If divorce is the only option do not be too fixated on the house. This may seem strange advice and so many people try to do anything to keep the marital home. Ultimately is is bricks and mortar and you may find it can even hinder you in moving forward/travelling/changing jobs etc.

At the moment though you are going to have to deal with your DH and speak to him, try to do this on neutral ground if possible if not what I found helpful was to make changes to the house to 'make it mine' and not 'his'.

Every time he came round (to see the dog) I would have changed the curtains, or the furniture around or bought new mugs or painted the bathroom. He actually said he felt like a stranger and that was my intention, the house became very feminine and he didn't fit in it anymore.

Stay away from the booze if possible - it makes the lows even lower - but if you fancy an Xmas snog with a handsome stranger then go for it Xmas Smile.

You will be okay - be kind to yourself and make sure you EAT!

AnyFuckerForBreastorLeg · 21/12/2011 17:04

another Brew and a handhold here

flatbellyfellaschristmasname · 21/12/2011 20:38

Xmas Sad What area are you in Mardy someone on here must know 1st class Solicitors near you.

redrubyshoes · 21/12/2011 22:48

My solicitor scared the living bejaysus out of me and she was on my side!

But OP has to decide what to do. Horrible, horrible time.