Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Feeling so ashamed because I lost it totally

26 replies

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/12/2011 22:27

I ended up pulling my hair out in clumps and screaming because my son kicked off again. The background is that my DH is disabled, DS1 has ASD and is in his 20s. I am also very ill with numerous things, all caused by extreme stress. I am the breadwinner and have been for 10 years as DH is unable to work. DS1 has his first ever job, but we found out tonight that he had withdrawn a huge amount of money from his account and spent it on something stupid. He has basically been conned by a shop over and over again. We can't do anything as they have not done anything illegal. They don't know my DS has a disability that makes him unable to understand the value of money. He kicked off when he got home and I just lost it. I can't cope any more and wish I could just end it. But they all need me too much. I will never get well as I can't ever get away from the stress.

OP posts:

Yourefired · 17/12/2011 22:31

I'm so sorry. I think I'd be tearing my hair out too. You are exhausted, as anyone would be given your situation. Please don't beat yourself up over this: we all have our limits. Get some sleep, watch a film, whatever helps. It will all be ok in the morning.

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/12/2011 22:33

Thank you for answering. I'm just sitting in bed with the iPad shaking. We seem to be OK for a week or so, then it all kicks off again. I never thought my life would be like this.

OP posts:

babyhammock · 17/12/2011 22:34

Is there anything you can do to get away for a few days. I know you will have it all to come back to, but you sound on your limit and you absolutely need to get a chance to catch your breath and start to get well asap...xx

Yourefired · 17/12/2011 22:36

Are you working tomorrow? If not is there a chance that you could just get away for a few hours?

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/12/2011 22:41

There's no way I can go away. DH and DS are at each others throats and I need to be here to stop things getting even worse. I have to work this week anyway. Also I am too ill to go. I can just about manage work this week. Thanks for listening to me moan. I appreciate this a lot!

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2011 22:45

Sweetheart - I wish there was something more we could do for you :(

Would you be able to speak to the shop and tell them about DS and see if you can get his money back?

Maybe you need to be the only one who can take money out of his account and give him an allowance?

I'm so so sorry things are so shit for you. Isn't there anyone (DH's family???) who could come and help you?

Massive hugs
x

Yourefired · 17/12/2011 22:46

Left-field suggestion but could you go out as a family? Even if local whatever for Sunday lunch will mean no cooking etc for you and they will be less inclined to misbehave in public. By the way, I could not do what you are doing, especially not for 10 years. You are amazing.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2011 22:46

I know there's even less available than ever now - but surely there's some respite care around somewhere to help you out before you crack completely???

babyhammock · 17/12/2011 22:51

YOU need to do something my love because otherwise you won't be in any fit state to look after them full stop. Its really hard (trust me I know) but you need to let go enough so that you can get the break you need otherwise you will get really really ill.
Hugs too

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/12/2011 22:52

Thanks again for the replies. DS is working tomorrow - I hope he actually goes as it is an amazing opportunity for him that will not be offered again if he messes up. Yes, we usually manage his money for him, but for once had allowed him to have his card to buy Xmas presents - stupid us!

Everything feels so shitty at the moment. DH and I had a huge row this week when dreadful things were said, although we did make up. We have no family or friends in this area and no support. All of the local things that DS did have been cut. My family live far away and cannot support us due to their own issues. DH has no family left any more.

The only light is that DS2 will be back from Uni this week. He cheers me up so much, but I don't want him to come home to this shitty household :(

OP posts:

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/12/2011 22:52

I am really, really ill already sadly:(

OP posts:

fallenpetal · 17/12/2011 22:53

How about power of attorney? If he have no concept of money take control and pay into his account an allowance for him to spend as he pleases. Its £300 ish but worth it for reducing stress. It take 4 months to do though so isnt a quick fix - you can have an immediate one but thats another £120 on top as well as the lasting POA
Do some research and find places you can visit as a family just so you can get out and get on to adult services to find out if you can get some support for both ds and your partner to give you a few hours a month to yourself. It is out there help you just have to search and search.
huge respect to you for doing what you do every day Xx

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/12/2011 22:57

Yes, we already control his money with his consent. But basically, we allowed him to have his card for a day and this happened. I can't say too much without outing myself, but he traded in a possession, and was conned into getting another. Therefore losing loads of money with the trade in. This isn't the first time he has done this and I am livid with DH for letting him have the card again!

There is absolutely no support in this county - we have been down every avenue and all has been cut to the bone.

OP posts:

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/12/2011 22:58

I won't be online much longer as the iPad needs charging. Thanks to you all so much, it really helps.

OP posts:

Yourefired · 17/12/2011 23:02

I hope you sleep well. Take care and come back if you need us.xxx

RosemaryandThyme · 17/12/2011 23:07

Rest now, maybe DS2 could take you out for a bit when home.

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/12/2011 23:09

My Mum's coming on Friday, just hope things have calmed down by then. She's 82 and I don't want her to see this.

OP posts:

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 17/12/2011 23:22

I don't want to poke into the details but if this was something like selling dvds/games to one of those sell-or-exchange places can you or your H not go back in there on Monday, sell the bought products back to them and insist on cash, not exchange? That should get some of the money back, at least.

Yourefired · 17/12/2011 23:23

It's ok if she does, she's lived that long, she's see it all. Take care of yourself, at this moment in time you're the priority.

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/12/2011 23:29

Much bigger than games, I'm afraid and very complicated with him buying several of the items and exchanging them at different shops over a few months. One shop did refund one item, which was brilliant, but he didn't learn from that. The problem is that it is one of his autistic obsessions and he can't be
persuaded out of those. We just have to wait until he obsesses over something else and who knows what that could be! One time it was biting his finger ends until they bled, another time it was saying "I love you Mummy" a million times a day! Sound funny, but it wasn't at the time.

OP posts:

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 18/12/2011 03:01

Gurl: OK, fair enough. Sending you sympathy and good wishes.

Yourefired · 18/12/2011 10:36

Good morning. Hope you had a good sleep and things are feeling better.

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 18/12/2011 14:50

Things are a bit better today, thanks. DS went to work, although I hope he shows a good attitude today. He doesn't seem to understand the difference between work and school! People were very kind to him at school and college and would put up with his emotional outbursts. I don't think his boss would! Hope he is in a better mood when he gets home.

DH has also calmed down and has admitted he was also at fault. Although that won't stop him blowing up the next time. I still feel totally ashamed that I cracked up under pressure and didn't manage the situation calmly. Anyway, I have two days at work and am then off for almost two weeks. DS2 always improves the atmosphere too.

Thanks to you all, you really helped last night :)

OP posts:

Yourefired · 18/12/2011 15:58

So glad. It can all get a bit much sometimes. Enjoy you're break next week and merry Christmas.x

fallenpetal · 18/12/2011 22:46

So glad today is better for you, Hide that card LOL!! I hope you have a wonderful time off x

Flip

1 2