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Original poster

Some nasty things said and I don't know how I can ever be intimate with DH again. AIBU?

43 replies

LunaLunatic · 16/12/2011 09:34

Have namechanged.

We had a fairly awful row last night and DH openly said that he finds me disgusting, unsexy, boring etc. He said I'm not feminine - it's like being married to a man :(

Things have been tough the last year as he started a new job which involves working closely with a lot of stunning young women. I'm only late twenties myself, as is DH, so you'd think I wouldn't be bothered but I constantly compare myself to the girls he works with and come out the loser every time.

We have had a rubbish love life - due to many things really. I pull away from intimacy, I think because I don't feel like it's loving at all, it's just an act that I need to perform to make sure he gets what he wants. That may have manifested in my mind alone, I don't know anymore. I find it very difficult to trust DH or anyone really, and I think that doesn't help much.

But these comments last night, about my physical appearance and that he honsetly finds me unattractive now have really cut me to the core. I don't know how I can be close to him again...I already feel 'not good enough' most of the time (due to my own insecurities) and now this. I don't know how to move past it and be the sext feminine woman I was. All I can think is that when we do have sex I'll be focussed on how ugly I am...which I have been for a long time anyway but at least he had never agreed with me before :(

I just wish he would compromise and do something to make me feel loved, why do some men not see that it really is that easy? Presently I feel like I'm performing a service.

Help please, I love my husband but feel like I have so many issues which are preventing me from being relaxed and fun, and now he's making it worse.

Anyone in the same situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
LunaLunatic · 16/12/2011 09:39

Also, when I have tried to be more feminine and loving and curl up next to him and things I just feel stupid. All I can think is "I'm an ugly lump trying to be sexy, what a joke!". I just imagine how his colleagues would look doing the same thing and in my head they look 'right', and I look 'wrong'.

Sorry for the massive amounts of self pity. I am in a crap place atm.

OP posts:
OldeChestnut · 16/12/2011 09:50

sounds like you need some help working through your feelings

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 16/12/2011 09:51

You have no obligation to be sexy and feminine.

You definitely shouldn't be having any sex that you feel you are doing as a "service" to someone else, "to make sure he gets what he wants"

I'm sorry your self-esteem and body image are so low. have you ever had counselling to help you explore your insecurities? If not, would you consider it? I don't think you'll be able to act the way that is best for YOU wrt your husband (or many other aspects of your life) until you sort out in your own head that you ARE good enough. Counseling can help you with that.

Bonsoir · 16/12/2011 09:55

If your H finds you physically repulsive and your only consent to sex in order to give your H what he wants, your relationship is dead and you should divorce ASAP.

DeckTheHallsWithPopcornMice · 16/12/2011 10:07

He sounds like a keeper Hmm

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 16/12/2011 10:07

Oh wow, that's disgraceful, poor you!

You sound as though you're in pieces. I wonder why your main concern, after he's been so vile, is that you might not be able to 'perform' sexually with him?

If someone had said those things to me, I wouldn't want to speak to them again, let alone strip off for them.

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 16/12/2011 10:10

I think you need to go to counselling to work out your insecurity issues. No excuse for what he said but he is likely picking up on how you feel and feeling rejected.

PieCherry · 16/12/2011 10:10

So sorry you feel this way.

You can only change someone else's behaviour by changing your own. Get some help, be a friend to yourself 1st, sort your own feelings out.

If he's there or not at the end of the process, then decide what you want in relation to him. But darling your'e in your 20's - life's too short to surround yourself with people that make you feel shit about yourself.

I can promise you that you'll look away one day and look back and 10 years will have passed. If you don't want to be feeling then what you feel now, do something now to help yourself.

Big hugsxxx

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 16/12/2011 10:10

He's an arse. Seriously. Why would you want to be close to someone so cruel and hurtful? Why do you want him?

CailinDana · 16/12/2011 10:13

Your DH sounds like a nasty person, I'm not surprised you don't feel sexy around him. I'm a total scruffbag - think long, messy hair, unplucked eyebrows, no make up, spotty skin, unshaven legs - and my DH tells me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am. That's because he loves me and really really likes me too. He loves me for who I am, not for some ridiculous ideal that I can't live up to. I'll bet he's no calendar model himself.

You don't have to have sex with anyone if you don't want to. I find it absolutely horrible that any person would tell someone that they are "disgusting" :(

AgnesBligg · 16/12/2011 10:14

Who the hell does he think he is Xmas Angry? No wonder you have low self esteem if you are married to this unpleasant oaf.

Of course you are not disgusting or boring etc. What an utter prick.

CailinDana · 16/12/2011 10:14

Sorry "I'll bet he's no calendar model" refers to your DH OP, I realised reading back that it didn't really make sense!

nailak · 16/12/2011 10:19

Remember you don't need anyone else's approval or validation. Concentrate on being fulfilled in your own life. I don't know your situation, but try to fill up your days, be around people who make you feel good etc.

Your worth does not rely on your external appearance. You are an intelligent woman with more to offer then sex.
Take care of your own emotional needs and let him worry.about his.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 16/12/2011 10:23

OK, presumably you said some nasty things too, or was it all him, in which case it wasn't really an argument, but more of a rant on his part.

Can you ask him if he meant those things, or were they said because he has a nasty streak?

Either way, a partner is supposed to make you feel better about yourself and not worse.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 16/12/2011 10:37

Shock Did he mean those things? If he did....I'd be getting rid.

You need to work on building your confidence, perhaps a counsellor?

UglyCow · 16/12/2011 10:38

I think I'm reading a post that's mine :( with the only difference that he never said the words but never said that I'm beautiful, look in something beautiful. He actually never sad that I'm even pretty, no one ever said :(. I know what type of women he likes and I'm nowhere near looking like them. He is a very handsome man and women do look at him and he knows that. Once I asked him why some people are so beautiful and I'm not and he said "sometimes it happens" WTF?? I expected but you are beautiful or something like that.
I know how you feel LunaLunatic. I am a very insecure person too and even small things make me feel like a piece of sh*t.
I love him so much but I want to feel loved too. I've been thinking of going to gp but what shall I say? I don't feel that my husband finds me attractive? I feel like crying already. Sending you lot of hugs OP.

Original poster
LunaLunatic · 16/12/2011 10:41

Thanks for replying so fast. I did of course say some things myself, but I didn't say anything nasty so much as shouted what I feel is the truth...such as that maybe the reason we don't have enough intimacy is that he doesn't put any effort in, expects me to be bendy like some kind of porn actress (can anyone really bend that way? Really?!) and just expects me to turn myself on. I did say he was boring too :( It never used to be like this, he used to be very giving and that was one of things that I loved about him. I suppose we've both become very lazy.

The thing is he's right really about my appearance, I don't wear make up anymore really, I've put weight on (not that much, I still have a waist but I'm very flumpy lol) etc. I'm not the same at all as the woman he married. He's maintained himself pretty well, and he's probably now considered 'out of my league' by many people. This upsets me no end, but I'm past the point I think where I can be bothered to try and rectify it. We don't have kids but I do work full time as does he, so I'm tired a lot, not that it's an excuse for not making an effort.

I'm not defending what he said - it's abhorrent and I'm devastated that he's been so cruel. I think perhaps he really doesn't like me as a person anymore, but then I don't know why he won't end it.

Financially it would leave me in the shit to end it, and tbh I'm not sure I want to...we had something really wonderful, I know that's a cliche but it's true.

Councelling - no, I can't afford it, it's extortionate where we live. I was on anti-Ds which made me feel better but came off them, couldn't say why to be honest just stopped taking them.

Is it ever possible to get back to where you were in a relationship? I mean, is it ever possible to go back to enjoying sex and feeling really in love? I know marriage goes through phases, ups and downs, and we do have those, but I feel like I need his help to get back and he won't do it.

Gosh how many "I"s are there in this post!

OP posts:
Original poster
LunaLunatic · 16/12/2011 10:42

UglyCow you need to change your username, because I bet it doesn't describe you a jot. There are just some real jerks who delight in supporting others' insecurities to put themselves in a position of power (starting to think DH is one of those).

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 16/12/2011 10:44

"I suppose we've both become very lazy."

If you think that is true about yourself, you won't like yourself for it. This has nothing to do with your H - you need to get yourself together for your own well-being.

UglyCow · 16/12/2011 10:52

Luna I feel like my user name does describe me. my figure is not bad, I'm size 8 (bit of a tummy and hanging boobs :) ) but it's my face that's not very nice. My sex life is pretty much like yours. I try but no effort from his side, we don't kiss (I don't have a bad breath). I feel like it's me who's puting all the effort, compromises on almost everything.

ToniSoprano · 16/12/2011 11:07

How heartbreaking... Sad

Can you ask him if he meant those things? If he rushes to apologise and say he just lashed out etc, then maybe there is hope that you two can do things to refresh your relationship, if that's what you both want. If it was good once, it probably can be good again....

But if he meant them, and you have no children, then maybe it's time to reassess what you want in life. Living with someone who feels this and says such horrid, hurtful things, is not giving yourself a chance at a happy life.

So sorry, you must be feeling pretty grim and hurt.

ToniSoprano · 16/12/2011 11:09

Sorry, just to clarify - meant that if you have no children, then it's a less complicated decision if you want out - in no way meant to imply if you had children then you should put up with this offensive rudeness!

OrmIrian · 16/12/2011 11:11

Dump the fucker (I rarely say that) and then set to work to sort out your self-image and confidence.

Too cruel to say those things to someone who is already insecure.

DH never stops saying nice things about me - even now when I am a bit podgy. Marriage is about mutual respect and support. So sorry Sad

SageMistAndSnowflakes · 16/12/2011 11:12

I am not pretty, and not particularly feminine, but look OK when I make an effort to dress nicely and put on makeup. But I am not just what I look like, I am so much more, and that is what DH loves about me.

If my DH ever ever said to me what your DH said to you Luna I would be absolutely furious and in all probablity it would be the end our marriage. Not because he may or may not be right but because when you love someone you are kind and respectful to them. What your DH said was deeply unkind.

Its not you, its him. Being unkind is very, very unattractive.

PieCherry · 16/12/2011 11:12

UC - would you ever EVER say your friends were Ugly Cows? If not you should not say it about yourself, it reinforces al those negative emotions, beliefs and feelings.

Size 8 - you are half the size of me. My OH LOVES my boobs & my bum & my belly - he tells me I'm womanly. I have no hang ups ( I may not like bits of me) but my body brings me pleasure, so what if there are bits to grab hold of, some cellulite, I honestly don't care.

Being sexy is not how you look it's how you behave, which is driven by how you feel and what you believe about yourself.

If you can't afford counselling, get some self help books, and stop believeing this shit about yourself.

When that little voice is in your head telling you you are ugly etc etc - who's voice is it?