Some nasty things said and I don't know how I can ever be intimate with DH again. AIBU?

[LunaLunatic]

Have namechanged.

We had a fairly awful row last night and DH openly said that he finds me disgusting, unsexy, boring etc. He said I'm not feminine - it's like being married to a man :(

Things have been tough the last year as he started a new job which involves working closely with a lot of stunning young women. I'm only late twenties myself, as is DH, so you'd think I wouldn't be bothered but I constantly compare myself to the girls he works with and come out the loser every time.

We have had a rubbish love life - due to many things really. I pull away from intimacy, I think because I don't feel like it's loving at all, it's just an act that I need to perform to make sure he gets what he wants. That may have manifested in my mind alone, I don't know anymore. I find it very difficult to trust DH or anyone really, and I think that doesn't help much.

But these comments last night, about my physical appearance and that he honsetly finds me unattractive now have really cut me to the core. I don't know how I can be close to him again...I already feel 'not good enough' most of the time (due to my own insecurities) and now this. I don't know how to move past it and be the sext feminine woman I was. All I can think is that when we do have sex I'll be focussed on how ugly I am...which I have been for a long time anyway but at least he had never agreed with me before :(

I just wish he would compromise and do something to make me feel loved, why do some men not see that it really is that easy? Presently I feel like I'm performing a service.

Help please, I love my husband but feel like I have so many issues which are preventing me from being relaxed and fun, and now he's making it worse.

Anyone in the same situation?

Luna & UglyCow - You feel the way you do because neither of you deserve the men you are with - you deserve so much better. They might scrub up ok but so what? They are cruel and nasty. They keep you in your place because it suits them. Inside, they are uglier than either of you will EVER be. I'm sure neither of you are.
If you are not happy, get help and support but do it for YOU. Not them. They can sit back and watch while you fly away and build a new and better life for yourselves. If you are so ugly presumably they wouldn't have fallen for you in the first place.
Please - move on. Everyone deserves happiness.

I did tell him that if he's so wanted by so many women who are "better" than me, if he's so bloody perfect, he's welcome to sod off and stay with them instead of staying and creating a miserable mood in the house. Probably not the most mature thing to say but I just felt like well if I'm so crap, then WHY ARE YOU HERE???

We have these little shitty times, but he's never said anything like that before. No doubt, as usual, things will go back to normal, but things are only ever normal, they're never great anymore.

He's going away tomorrow for work and tbh I'm looking forward to time on my own. It's odd, when he's here and things are crap I want him to leave, but when he's away I just want him to come home. We get on ok usually, I'm just amazed that he's said these things now knowing that those words will cause serious damage to our already average relationship.

I know I need to improve myself, but I've always been insecure, always, I've always hated how I look, even when looking back I looked fantastic. I'm just like that...

He used to get annoyed by men checking me out when we'd go out; if/when that does happen these days he just doesn't care.

Do you think he's just not in love with me any more? This is what I'm starting to suspect. Maybe just biding his time until someone more up to his shallow standards comes along.

I don't know why I'm so weak...I've never ended a relationship in my life, I find it impossible.

Luna

What an utter arse :(

Firstly, if your ADs made you feel better and you don't know why you came off them, then perhaps you should consider going back on them?

You need to work on boosting your own confidence and self esteem for YOURSELF - not because your DH thinks you're those things, but because it sounds to me like you don't like yourself very much and that's not a very nice place to be in.

You should be and feel loved, and the first person who should love you is yourself. If you don't want to change then you shouldn't feel that you have to - but if you do want to do it, then do it for you, not because DH thinks you should.

Having once had something wonderful or ending up in a sticky situation financially isn't worth putting up with someone who doesn't love (or even like) you - it's a case of finding out if he really meant it, or if it was just something hurtful shouted out in the heat of the moment (although often that can be when the truth comes out) :(

That's appalling behaviour from him. IMO that is a reason to get rid. For me that would be a permanent deal-breaker.

Is there no NHS counselling available at all where you live? If you have been on anti-ds, surely you'd qualify for something, even just six sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy (which can be good for low self esteem and negative self-talk)

As other posters have said, there are men who find their partners attractive when overweight, when wearing horrible old paint stained jumpers (a still-mystifying favourite of an ex of mine), with bad or even no hair...

thanks PieCherry, no I would never said about anyone that they are ugly. I tell my kids every day that they are beautiful I tell my firends that they look beautiful but my insecurities come from my past. My father used to say that I was as ugly as a dog that we used to have. Never had a serious boyfriend so when I met my DH and he WAS interested in me I felt on top of the world. He's never said anything nice about me but he made me feel special. He doesn't make me feel special any more :(.
I know that being sexy comes in all shapes and sizes and I admire bigger girls who are full of happiness and I they look sexy. I'm just one of this girls who were brainwashed by their closest and made to think that I was not the pretty one. We have 2 kids and people say that my daughter looks like me and my DH says the same. I remember him saying that when she was born she looked like me and after some time he admitted she was ugly! He says he doesn't feel like this any more and she's the most beautiful girl in the world.
OP, we both need help. I'm not sure about you but I can't do it on my own, I have nobody to turn to for help. Some men just see themselves as the centre of the world and think everything revolves around them. And working with girls who we think are prettier than us doesn't help.
I did try reading and helping myself but no luck.
Sorry if I sound silly but where do I need to go for councelling?

Can you do little things to make yourself feel better about yourself? Be kind to you? Have a warm bath and beautify (FOR YOU not him I stress), or treat yourself to a massage if that's your thing? That always makes me feel more confident in myself. Hopefully you can get to a point doing little kindnesses for you where you are confident enough to leave, or not depending how you feel.

Pack his bags for him and sling him out - at least until he comes to his senses. And book yourself some counselling/ therapy to try to address these confidence/ self-esteem/ body-image issues.

What a fucktard!

UglyCow - speak to your GP or surgery nurse. You sound so low (for good reason ). If no-one ever tells you you're beautiful of course you won't believe it. Your dcs know you are though, as do your friends. Do your friends know how you feel?

These men do not deserve you and you will be so much better off on your own than being demeaned and criticised by these arrogant, cruel idiots.

Thanks lazarusin I'll try to book myself with my gp. And thanks Luna for making me realise that I do have a problem I'm just very sorry it's not only me. I wish you all the best and be strong in whatever your decision is. I already made mine.

Do you have some girlfriends who can boost your confidence? Best way of being happy is being happy in yourself, but alternative is get friends to give you a lift. Don't place all your happiness on this twat. As you've he is shallow. Appearance is not everything, but once he has made you jealous in some way or aware of the women superficial bimbos he works with, it is hard not feel something.
Also think about going back on the ADs and counselling or concentrating on something that makes you feel good about yourself.

How long have you been with your DH? I do wonder if you have both grown apart and now the differences are causing issues (which ends up in mean and hurtful comments). Do you and your DH actually like each other anymore? It sounds like respect is dwindling which can really damage relationship.

I spent my 20's with the wrong man, it took me a few years to gain back my self esteem but my 30's were the best time of my life. You are still young so don't feel you are tied to this situation.

OP you said There are just some real jerks who delight in supporting others' insecurities to put themselves in a position of power (starting to think DH is one of those) I totally agree with you. He said this knowing it was your weak spot and went in for the kill.

OP you do have some ishoos you should work through for yourself but what he said was inexcusable and you also have to ask yourself just how much he cares and respects you if he can say that. Or is he just a bully?

Ladies this sounds like emotional abuse.How dare he spaek to you in this way.You wouldnt speak to anyone like that never mind your partner.

Nobody is ever truly ugly or vile because different people find different people attractive. I can go out and some men look at me as if they fancy me and some dont even notice me,thats the same for everyone i think.

When i met dh i was size 12 and loved dressing up putting on make up and was very groomed.

Since dd was born 10 months ago im a 16 with a flabby belly and am lucky to brush my hair some days.
I feel bit crappy but because i dont want to look like i do,not because dh says so.he too has not as much time for personal grooming and the gym so is often un shaven and has lost his muscles,its how life is sometimes.
If he made rude comments id point out his flaws too and tell him to sod off.

Do not alow yourselves to be spoken to like this for any longer,its not normal or acceptable on any level,if you stand up to men like this they dont know what to do.

And you will gain back a shred of dignity.

Oh OP, I've been where you are now (more than once come to think of it) had comments about my appearance with nothing spared, left me absolutely floored at the time.

Please stick around on MN and read all you can - it's in large part thanks to this place that I've come to realise what Puppy said - no one is under any obligation to be 'sexy' 'feminine' 'bendy like a porn-star' etc etc.

If he isn't happy with he sees that is entirely his problem (and made up bollocks to boot imo)

You don't exist in this world to be anyone's perfect but your own.

Your self-esteem sounds like it's on the floor thanks to all the jibes you've been subjected to - pls let us all here help you to raise it enough to tell him to go to the far side of fuck - and when he gets there fuck off some more with his 'standards' - for you.

These men are pricks. They have targeted you as women with damaged self-esteem, so they can feed their own egos by smashing yours to bits. They want you to feel desperate, unattractive and worthless because then they have power over you.
Dump the men, get some help with rebuilding boundaries and valuing yourselves. It's fine to be single. Much, much better than being with a horrible spiteful man.

Absolutely agree SolidGold (when Are we going to get an agree emoticon)

who gave them the god job, the right to tell you how you look? ge6t 6the fuck rid, horrid men