How can I help DH? Warning: long, contains family cr*p, sorry!

[MrsMcEnroe]

There is such a long back story to this that I'm not really sure where to start. I really need some advice on how to help my DH come to terms with his relationship with his family. So I'll dive in:

DH has one brother, a year older than him, who is married with 4 DC. DH and I have 2 DC. We live 250 miles away from DH's brother, parents etc who all live in the same town.

BIL and SIL haven't got on with FIL & MIL for many years, for various reasons, despite still unashamedly using MIL for free childcare all the time whilst criticising her behind her back and generally being really nasty about her. MIL isn't a bad person at all; she has done a few thoughtless things in her time but never anything harmful and she adores her grandchildren and always helps my SIL and BIL out financially whenever she can too (without telling FIL, see below). She has been married to FIL for over 40 years and is just waiting for him to die so that she can inherit all his money and start her own life without him!

FIL is a different kettle of fish; he has very serious MH issues which sadly have never been formally diagnosed by a doctor and, at the age of 65, he's certainly not going to go to one now. Having known him for 15 years I'd say that he suffers from severe depression, severe anxiety which manifests itself with OCD-type symptoms, and also he is very stuck in his ways, obsessed with hoarding away his money, quite controlling of MIL (who has enabled his shocking behaviour over the years, for the sake of having an "easy life"). When DH and BIL were kids he used to have a very explosive temper (he never physically harmed anybody but he would yell, scream, swear etc) and MIL, DH and BIL were terrified of him. The whole household was ruled by his black moods, and DH and BIL were sent away to boarding school when they were about 6 or 7.

BIL is cr*p brother in that he never returns DH's phone calls, forgets his birthday, never follows through on plans to meet up (bear in mind that we have to travel 250 miles to see them, with our DC who are seriously carsick and have to be drugged up to the eyeballs in order to get through a 5-hour car journey without vomiting copiously) etc etc and DH ADORES his brother and longs for more attention from him. We thought about moving to the same town as DH's family a few years ago, but BIL told DH that he didn't want us living near him. DH has had loads of counselling to help him deal with his family issues (he is what you would call a "boarding school survivor" in that he is still utterly traumatised by having been sent away so young, he longs for his dad to apologise for it - which will never happen - and longs for any crumb of proactive affection from his father and brother). However, DH cannot and will not accept that his family will not change. MIL won't get involved in the relationship between DH and BIL; she says that it's not her place but really it's because it would require courage and hard work, neither of which are her strong suit - she wants an easy life (and I'm not really sure that she should be interfering in the relationship between her adult children anyway, BIL is 40 & DH is 39, I don't know what I would do in her situation).

SIL loathes FIL and MIL, does nothing to encourange the relationship between BIL and his parents yet constantly uses MIL for free childcare and even leaves her DC alone with FIL, which I would never do as I consider him to be a danger to himself and others.

Finally, the communication between the entire family is awful.

DH walks in to the lounge all teary-eyed on Sunday. He's been speaking to MIL on the phone, who has told him that they are so chuffed that they've been invited round to BIL & SIL's house for lunch on Christmas Day - the first time in years. I'm really happy for MIL; she deserves to spend some time with her grandchildren and it will be lovely for her not to have to spend all day alone with my miserable wretch of a FIL who is, honestly, far more awful than I've made him out to be in this post. However, DH is gutted because we haven't been invited too; it was his birthday 2 days earlier and BIL still hasn't phoned or even sent a card. Frankly I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with any of them; we last tried that 4 years ago and it was utterly horrendous. FIL had some kind of temporary breakdown / tantrum (there's definitely an element of free will in his awful behaviour), wouldn't sit in the same room as us, and MIL told us after that disastrous visit that we couldn't ever stay in their house again as she couldn't cope with the stress from FIL.

So - DH feels sidelined, ignored, not valued, not part of the family etc etc. We have already spent thousands and thousands of pounds on counselling - CBT and talk therapy of various kinds, and hypnotherapy/NLP which he was very uncomfortable with - and DH is still no nearer to accepting that his family won't change. He still wants them to change for his sake, and he has been on anti-depressants for years (he was suicidal at one point, many years ago, and is on long-term medication which has helped him loads). He wants his family to want to spend time with him. He wants his brother to want to see him, which BIL doesn't want to do - he is a very selfish man, just like his father. DH is a lovely, caring, gentle, funny, gorgeous man with a devoted wife (me!) and beautiful DCs, but he still longs for validation from his parents & brother, which he will never get. How can I help him? I know that he has to help himself, but I suppose I'm wondering if there is any form of therapy that would help him come to this realisation quicker? From a selfish perspective, I've had 15 years of this sh*t and I'm not sure how much longer I can let DH's horrible family taint our own family life, which is lovely and works really well as long as we don't see them often and I can keep DH distracted enough not to think about them. This isn't a long term solution though!

If anyone has read to the end of this post they deserve a medal. I think I need a after all that ... I've never written this all down before. And I've left loads out!

How can I help DH? I've been trying for 15 years ...! I can't bear seeing the man I love in pain like this, and I want to knock his family's heads together.

Hi OP, I have read the whole thread. I completely understand because your DH's family sound very similar to mine. Sorry to put it so blunt but they are bullies and they do not care two hoots about your DH's feelings and - this is the important one - they probably never will.

Long story short - does your DH (and do you?) want to spend another 15 years dealing with this crap? I'm guess the answer is no. His family are abusive - yes all of them (the MIL's behaviour is abuse too, for failing to stand up to husband for the sake of her children). They need to have it calmly explained to them in whatever way is best suited (letter, call, face to face - Toxic Parents discusses this) that their behaviour is not acceptable. If they won't deal with your DH in a respectful manner and deal with their own behavioural problems (on their own time, not yours), they deserve to be cut off. It may take a while for your DH to get to a place where he's ready to do it. But you CANNOT keep compromising his mental health, YOUR mental health and the happiness of YOUR family - YOUR children for the sake of these selfish, self-indulgent people. If they really loved your DH they wouldn't treat him like this - fact. All the wishing and hoping by your DH that it's going to get better will not make one jot of difference if they don't want to change. DH can't make them change.

In my case, it ended up being the best course of action to cut my mother and father out of my life (as my 3 older brothers had done already... hmmm spot a pattern?) - it was the BEST but HARDEST thing I've ever done. It was like my life switched from black and white to technicolour when I started treating myself and my emotions with respect, and not tolerating the abuse my mother and father dished out to me for the sake of "family". The catalyst for this was them refusing to come to my wedding - basically because they realised they no longer had control of me or my emotions and acted out to try to get me to comply in the way I used to (they didn't come to my wedding in the end, and it was the best gift they ever could have given me).

Re: your DH calling up BIL and calling him a coward - I understand what motivated him to do this but clearly this is not productive. I mean this from the perspective of DH mental health (who gives a crap what your selfish BIL or the rest of the so-called family thinks). A big thing for me was realising that every time I engaged or tried to argue with my mother and father, (I can't bring myself to call them my family or my parents, because they're no longer that to me) I had about 0.0001% impact on their behaviour (in fact I just aggravated it) and had a 100% negative impact on my mental health and emotional state. These people are SELFISH and DH will not teach them anything. They are not going to have an "a ha!" moment and realise what utter twats they've been all their lives. (BTW, I blame a lot of stupid reality family reunion shows for perpetuating this myth) So all your DH is doing when he calls up BIL is hurting himself. Calm, detached confrontation explaining what kind of behaviour is not acceptable to him (as detailed in Toxic Parents) is ok.

Glad you got Toxic Parents - that book was the foundations of me reclaiming my life from emotional abuse and this nonsensical "obligation" sentiment society conditions people to have towards their parents (even when they are really really shit). Your DH MUST READ THIS, not just you. It is a process of development and discovery dealing objectively with the absolute sht behaviour he's been put through. A good element of the book is that it encourages you to allow yourself to think in the concept of the scared child you used to be - and that you as an adult are the one who protects that scared child now (who still lives inside you!). This is definitely a helpful emotional tool, to think of it in this way.

Another good blog to read is this one - which gives excellent tools (that I use everyday) such as thinking of your life/family as an island - you choose who you want to be on it and what kind of behaviour you allow. People that don't comply aren't allowed on it. Also the notion of "being invulnerable" - I use this all the time. It also mentions setting a good example for your children - this is important. This whole situation is having a negative effect on YOUR DC (I 100% money-back guarantee it) whether they show it or not. It is your DH's (and your) responsibility to deal with his family appropriately and put the relationship with them on the footing he wants, for their sake. I posted on the blog as Bernadette, if you're interested.

This is going to take a long time, and it will be very painful for DH. I am in a really good place now but it still hurts for me (especially at this time of the year, and especially when people make stupid comments like "but it's your family! "

If you do decide to go no contact at some point in the future - this helps - www.amazon.com/gp/richpub/syltguides/fullview/R3EWPIM0KKA4TM

More helpful stuff:
peterfox.com.au/family_blackmail.htm

lovehonoranddismay.blogspot.com/2006/09/dismaying-story-56-divorcing-your.html

I hope some of the above helps. I'm sorry if some of my post is blunt, I've just been in the exact same position as DH and I don't want to sugarcoat it. His family won't get better unless they want to. He needs to protect himself and your family, instead of sacrificing the mental health and happiness himself, you and your children on the altar of THEIR bad behaviour. Quite frankly, f*ck them. Seriously. They don't deserve your DH.

I also absolutely agree with the comments of NeedlesCuties - "OP, you said this about your FIL regarding his legacy of abuse from his own childhood,
"However, he has never been man enough to try to change in order to make his wife and children's lives better."
Do you think this in any way sounds like something your own children might say in 20 years about your DH? Yes he's going to therapy, which is a brave step, but if he isn't taking it in and being consistent with it then change is slim."

THIS is why your DH needs to put an end to this cycle of behaviour. This has been replicated in my own family across at least 2 generations and it's WHY I put a stop to it.

I can see that it´s a culmination of a lot of things & for your husband it´s the straw that broke the camel´s back.

But it´s quite usual to have your parents round for Christmas Day & not your adult siblings.

diddl Yes, in "normal" families this is quite usual. Not in DH's family though. Sigh.

Zara - thank you so much. I will have a look at those blog posts etc, and thank you very much for taking the time to provide all the info, I really appreciate it.

How strange-as that doesn´t take the spouses parents/siblings into consideration at all!

I think as an adult not in the situation, it´s very hard to understand another adult needing so much from their parents & siblings.

I don't understand what you mean, diddl, when you say "that doesn't take the spouses parents/siblings into consideration at all" ...??

Oh, actually I do. Well, as I said further up the thread, I don't have any family other than DH, so there are no other parents or siblings to consider. It's just DH, me and our DCs. Which is why it is such a kick in the teeth that nobody in DH's family will ever invite us for Christmas! And the ultimate kick in the teeth is that BIL and SIL proclaim to have no emotional connection at all with MIL and FIL yet still they have invited them for Christmas.

(not that I'd go to DH's family for Christmas again after the last shitty occasion, which I think I posted upthread as well)

This all sounds so petty and repetitive now that I'm starting to really p*ss myself off and I think this may be the last time I post on my own thread.

I've just blown my top (in a calm, measured way ) and told DH to stop rolling over and appeasing his brother - prompted by BIL ringing DH and DH being all meek and "yes BIL, no BIL, ooh it means the world to me that you've rung me BIL". I told him that BIL must think that DH is weak and can't possibly have any respect for him if this is the way he acts, and that this will never change. And I said that I put myself through hell trying to get better after my breakdown for the sake of DH and the kids, and that I expect him to do the same for us now. And then I let him get an overtired DD ready for bed on his own ...

Goodnight!

Sorry, I´d forgotten about you having no family.