The new guy is amazing, but I still have doubts

[RoRoMommy]

I've been dating a wonderful man for six months. He's the first person I've dated that I've introduced to my four year old son since I split with his father, nearly two years ago. He and DS get on like a house on fire, and New Guy (NG) puts a real effort into playing with DS when they're together.

NG is also a wonderful cook, and as I'm not much use in the kitchen this is something that is very important to me.

NG wants children, as do I, so this is also wonderful.

NG and I are compatible in most ways, though he's a bit more of a homebody than I am, but that's okay because I have loads of friends who I can do things with if I want to.

So what's the problem? I suppose there are things about NG that really bother me, and because I am so confused about these feelings (they're not things that have bothered me in past relationships), I worry that I'm actually sabotaging the relationship because I am afraid of getting hurt - the split was absolutely awful and it's taken this long for me to feel myself again after the trauma of it.

Here is what bothers me: I feel like he's inconsiderate of me, and generally thinks more of himself than of me. This would worry me, but I'm not sure if I am just finding problems because I am worried about getting hurt, or being too sensitive or too demanding.

Here is an example from this morning - he runs a business in the evenings and weekends (in addition to his day job), that he's nearly finished a project for - just a few more days. He likes to work at his house because he has his computer with two screens which makes it easier for him, and he's more comfortable.

It bothers me that he won't put up with being a bit less comfortable so that he could come over to mine and spend time with us. I have two computer screens, though admittedly they're in DS's room so he'd be working in there after DS went to sleep (DS is a heavy sleeper, he wouldn't wake up). But regardless, it would be nice if it even seemed like he considered that possibility for a moment rather than just immediately wanting to go home if he's got any work to do.

This makes me feel like spending time with me isn't a high priority in his life.

Next example: I am having dental surgery this morning - dental implants are being inserted in two of my missing teeth. I am very nervous about it, which he knows. Despite that he didn't say anything to me like good luck or everything will be okay until I brought it up that I was nervous.

This makes me feel like he doesn't consider my well-being and the things that are important to me.

One last thing: We have longstanding plans with friends of mine to see Stuart Lee (a comedian) tomorrow night. He completely forgot about it until I reminded him today.

This makes me feel like he doesn't give much thought to plans that I make, and that they therefore must not be important to him.

I will add that he's pretty considerate when we are actually together, and he sent me flowers once when I was feeling very sad. There are fits and starts of consideration, but it doesn't seem consistent to me or even like he's making an effort to be so.

Am I being unreasonable? I actually feel like I've forgotten how to do this - how to objectively determine whether someone is right for me or not. TIA for any advice!

Slightly unreasonable perhaps....he sounds like a responsible person who likes to separate work from love. Also, at six months, the bond is not completely formed as yet. But if it does bother you, then why not gentle talk to him...make a joke so that it doesn't seem too heavy but then if it persists, you really need to chat.

I think he is being perfectly practical and reasonable TBH. His job seems important to him, perhaps he thinks he can do it quicker at his place without any distraction. So he can do a better job & quicker!

I occasionally work from home, but NEVER when my kids are there as I'm easily distracted.

From the examples you've given I'd say you were over thinking this. That's not to say there are not other things he does/doesn't do that are inconsiderate.

Working from home, well, doesn't sound ideal working in sleeping child's room, does it? And how would that be spending time with you, if he was working?

He didn't say the dentist would be fine, until you told him of your nerves. How could he do otherwise, if you hadn't previously said you were nervous? Perhaps you appear really together and confident to him?

Forgeting a gig that was arranged ages ago is not a big deal unless he is now saying he can't go. Is he?

Thanks so much Punkaheart and PieCherry - this is exactly what I need to hear. I know it seems strange, but I feel honestly incapable of thinking rationally about this because there's so much other noise in my head. Thanks for taking the time to read it and respond!

You're right perfumedlife - working in a kid's room isn't ideal, and I hadn't mentioned my nervousness in the morning. Also, he didn't say he couldn't go, he just didn't remember.

I do have a tendency to over-think things at times!

Okay, off to the dental implant appointment, will check back later.

Thanks again all!

Look, any one of those specific examples might be explained away as YABU about that specific thing. But if you've got an alarm bell going off, I wouldn't ignore it. If your instinct is telling you something, listen to it. I'm not saying dump him over it but just don't gloss over it.

Try not to make him pay for the sins of the last guy. I know it can take a long time to get over stuff, I know I did, but I remained single because i thought I would do what you're almost doing.

Are you sure there isn't something else about hiim worrying you?

Good luck with the dentistry btw!

Yes, good luck I've had implants, was totally fine.

you are overthinking this.

He's working - it's a business - in other work situation you wouldn't prefer he come to you rather than go to work would you? or expect it. If he has work to do then he presumably has it all set up to do at home so it's more practical for him to be there.

It honestly wouldn't occur to me to wish someone good luck with a dentist appointment - it just wouldn't.

And if you hadn't mentioned the gig recently then forgetting isn't unreasonable - we all forget things sometimes, that's why the majority of people have a calendar

You've only been going out 6 months, let things progress at a natural pace. If he wants to go home to work (perfectly reasonable, I wouldn't want to work in a child's bedroom whilst they're sleeping either) then let him.

My husband is always forgetting arrangements, I've just learnt to remind him! And I don't think he was particularly vocal with support when I went to have a wisdom tooth out.. he's not being mean or thoughtless deliberately, he's just not like that.. but when it really matters he's there for me.. maybe your bloke will be to?

Is it just me who wonders why you have 2 computer screens in a 4 year old child's bedroom?

You are definately over thinking it and finding problems where there are none.

I work from home. I "could" do the work anywhere, but it wouldnt be the same because I cant get on with it if there are distractions around. MNet is enough of a distraction, never mind the thought of trying to work in a room with a sleeping child, and a partner popping her head round the door saying "have you finished yet" or "want a brew"... he needs to do the work, and if he came over to you, he wouldnt get it done, because you would, as you say, be expecting him to spend time with you.

The dentist, well perhaps he didnt mention it, because he knew you were nervous and didnt want to remind you of it.

The gig tickets.. he forgot, nothing more nothing less. We all forget stuff. I have been looking forwards to a gig I am going to tomorrow night for months... but it still didnt stop me from asking a mate last night if she wanted to do something tomorrow evening, and it was an hour later when I had to say "whoooops, sorry, I am actually going out.. completely forgot the date"...

I think you are spending too much time on thoughts of how he "should" behave. He's not you. He's not perfect. He is not a mind-reader. He's just a human, and sometimes he's going to be distracted, sometimes he's going to be thoughtless and sometimes he's going to forget things. He's not always going to do things the way you think they should be done.

If it's something very very important then you need to talk to him about it and reach a compromise. If it's not, then let it go by remembering that different people do things in different ways. Just because someone does something in a way different to you, it does not automatically make their way the wrong way or that they are doing it deliberately to slight you.

OP you start off saying he is a 'wonderful man' and then state these examples which are bothering you. As they stand I would say your concerns are completely unfounded - they all seem like very normal things anyone could do.

If you really just want to be reassured that they are little things and not to worry, then accept that and enjoy what you have.

But also consider whether these are actually behaviours that are very important to you, because if they are and you have expectations about the amount of attention you should get then they will annoy you more and more over time, so maybe you should reconsider your relationship.

Try not to make him pay for the sins of the last guy

Been there done that and it destroyed what was a perfectly good relationship.

OP Don't let it get to you, give the poor guy a chance.

I think you are being completely unreasonable to expect or want him to work in your son's bedroom when your son is asleep- and yes, why does he have a computer in his room at all?

I think you need to respect your NG a bit more. Give him space and stop trying to take over/swamp him, whenhe is doing work and has his own routine.

The other things you mention are, IMO, typical of many men who simply forget what else is going on.

I think you'd be justified in being a bit miffed if he forgets on a regular basis, things like dental appts which are on your mind, but as a one off it's nothing.

I'm with SunRay on this one.

Not wanting to work in your son's room is totally understandable.

But also consider whether these are actually behaviours that are very important to you, because if they are and you have expectations about the amount of attention you should get then they will annoy you more and more over time, so maybe you should reconsider your relationship

Take heed of this statement OP.

Poor bloke, those are all very very minor things! He isnt a mind reader, you told him you were nervous and he then said good luck. He forgot about this comedian. He sounds busy, people forget things! He works hard and wants to be in the comfort of his own home, shoot him now.

Seriously if I was him, I would be questioned where to stay with you. Your post seems very me me me. What do you do for him?

that should be whether to stay with you.

I think YABU

The computer thing is totally understandable - I wouldn't want to work in the same room as a sleeping child.

The tooth thing - well, can see why you'd be a bit miffed but perhaps he didn't realise how nervous you are about it if it's something that he would be fine with?

and the comedy is nothing in the grand scheme of things, he just forgot.

Ah but stayformulledwine he may be showing signs of lack of consideration, The OP has a niggle that won't go away and has just documented a few that she can recall here.

I have just ended a relationship where this was a major factor.

A lack of consideration? this guy has a day job. He then works evenings and weekends. He must be really very busy! Where is the consideration for that? The OP seems to be giving him and his situation very little consideration, just her own.

The OP also asked if she was sabotaging, I think she is. If she wants to stay with this guy, she will need to be more considerate of the fact that he is clearly working very hard and at times may slip up. If the OP had posted to say he was never considerate, I would be saying different.

I'm going to go against everyone else here.
My last relationship was like this. Nice guy...But there were a whole bunch of little things that when you added them together, suggested that really as far as he was concerned it was all about him.
If I told anyone about any single one of them they sounded really, really petty.
For instance, I once made three hot dogs, two for him, one for me, and he took the two with the nice sausages!
And he would announce what evening he would come over because it suited him rather than asking/discussing it with me.
If I pulled him up on these things he would apologise. But his default position was to put himself first.
In the end I gave him the boot, because it felt like there was never any "us."

Same as Lesser

There is a list as long as both my arms put together that ex did along these lines and I used to try and make excuses for him, poor man, he's soo busy, don't be silly fuzzy he just forgets, blah blah blah.

Conclusion - he was a selfish emotionally retarded bastard