The new guy is amazing, but I still have doubts

[RoRoMommy]

I've been dating a wonderful man for six months. He's the first person I've dated that I've introduced to my four year old son since I split with his father, nearly two years ago. He and DS get on like a house on fire, and New Guy (NG) puts a real effort into playing with DS when they're together.

NG is also a wonderful cook, and as I'm not much use in the kitchen this is something that is very important to me.

NG wants children, as do I, so this is also wonderful.

NG and I are compatible in most ways, though he's a bit more of a homebody than I am, but that's okay because I have loads of friends who I can do things with if I want to.

So what's the problem? I suppose there are things about NG that really bother me, and because I am so confused about these feelings (they're not things that have bothered me in past relationships), I worry that I'm actually sabotaging the relationship because I am afraid of getting hurt - the split was absolutely awful and it's taken this long for me to feel myself again after the trauma of it.

Here is what bothers me: I feel like he's inconsiderate of me, and generally thinks more of himself than of me. This would worry me, but I'm not sure if I am just finding problems because I am worried about getting hurt, or being too sensitive or too demanding.

Here is an example from this morning - he runs a business in the evenings and weekends (in addition to his day job), that he's nearly finished a project for - just a few more days. He likes to work at his house because he has his computer with two screens which makes it easier for him, and he's more comfortable.

It bothers me that he won't put up with being a bit less comfortable so that he could come over to mine and spend time with us. I have two computer screens, though admittedly they're in DS's room so he'd be working in there after DS went to sleep (DS is a heavy sleeper, he wouldn't wake up). But regardless, it would be nice if it even seemed like he considered that possibility for a moment rather than just immediately wanting to go home if he's got any work to do.

This makes me feel like spending time with me isn't a high priority in his life.

Next example: I am having dental surgery this morning - dental implants are being inserted in two of my missing teeth. I am very nervous about it, which he knows. Despite that he didn't say anything to me like good luck or everything will be okay until I brought it up that I was nervous.

This makes me feel like he doesn't consider my well-being and the things that are important to me.

One last thing: We have longstanding plans with friends of mine to see Stuart Lee (a comedian) tomorrow night. He completely forgot about it until I reminded him today.

This makes me feel like he doesn't give much thought to plans that I make, and that they therefore must not be important to him.

I will add that he's pretty considerate when we are actually together, and he sent me flowers once when I was feeling very sad. There are fits and starts of consideration, but it doesn't seem consistent to me or even like he's making an effort to be so.

Am I being unreasonable? I actually feel like I've forgotten how to do this - how to objectively determine whether someone is right for me or not. TIA for any advice!

When my dh and I were courting (do they still use that expression?) he worked all hours at the office and again at home, he was always forgetting events and arrangements , he certainly could'nt have worked in a bedroom where someone was sleeping and often was so preoccupied with work he would forget to mention something in my days plans... But somehow I knew it was'nt meant to cause hurt and we muddled through because when we did get proper time together away from everyday distractions it was great .....good luck :)

If you're feeling uncomfortable then be vigilant and don't ignore your instinct. Taken on their own those incidents don't seem too worrying, but then we don't know what it's like being around him day to day. My DH used to be a bit inconsiderate but over time he has gotten far less so. He still slips up from time to time but I know it's a genuine mistake rather than anything nasty and his other good points more than make up for it so I let it go. You have to decide whether you can do the same for your man.

I think it's very different for someone running their own business- it's something that takes up a lot of time and needs full attention. If you were at work, would you be happy if someone said 'Oh you can do your job in a sleeping child's bedroom'? It makes it sound as if you are treating his job like a hobby. Presumably, he needs the money- like we all do.
He cooks, he plays with your son and treats you with consideration. This sounds pretty OK - after just 6 months.

Thanks all - It isn't surprising to hear that I am probably over-thinking all of this. I don't think I appreciated how hard it would be to trust someone again after everything I went through in the split, and how nit-picking I might end up being just for the sake of protecting myself against getting hurt again. I want to let go and be in love and stop having such overwhelming concerns - I also want to stop treating him like he's a carbon copy of my ex and will bring all of the same issues to the table.

I think I should try to relax and enjoy this time rather than setting requirements and expectations in my mind that inevitably end up causing me to feel let down and confused. I need to get him feel free to be himself, because that's the person I need to decide if I want to be with. I've also found that he's the type of man who rises to an occasion rather than towing the line.

It's just so much more difficult than I thought to keep all of these various thoughts and feelings straight. I didn't anticipate that it would be so difficult to start over. I had dated before NG, but I hadn't introduced anyone to DS, and this has proven to be a big transition in my new romantic life.

As for the mystery of keeping two computer screens in a child's room, well we don't have a huge house and I work from home, and DS just started sleeping in his own room around the same time I started working from home so we have to share a room! He's very good about not touching anything.

Thanks everyone! Oh, the dental implant procedure was awful but it's over and I've got some good drugs!
xxxx

I am glad you see you are overthinking but despite what I said, don't ignore concerns you are having. If you are struggling with such thoughts, you need to communicate them to him, if he is such a great guy, which I hope he is, he should understand and help you put your mind at rest.

I have been seeing a lovely guy and around the time of realising I was falling in love with him, I did have sudden bouts of insecurity and questioning, because like you, I realised that being in love with him means giving him the potential to hurt me a lot. But if you go through every relationship sabotaging when things start to feel more serious, no relationship will get that far will it?

On the face of it from your op, you have a lovely guy that is working hard, plays with your ds, cooks and most of the time can be considerate. Try to relax and enjoy him

Thanks a lot nappymaestro and stayformulledwine - really lovely and supportive messages. NG is really good about being a sounding board for my concerns, but he also sticks up for himself when he feels that I am judging him by the behaviour of my ex. Which is fair enough.

WRT doing his work at your house when your son is in bed, I think YABU. Presumably, as DS is asleep the lights would have to be off and at best he could have a desk lamp which I personally wouldn't like. Plus, he may have files etc that he keeps at home which he needs to be easily accessible. As for the other two things, even people who have been married for years forget dental appointments/trips out so I wouldn't hold it against him.

RoRo,have you had issues like this before with other men. Are you really over your last ex? Is he still on the scene in any way? Are you really ready to move on? It does sound as if you're taking out the past in some way on your NG and possibly have a selfish attitude to him. Many relationships fail dramatically because of this. Like I've said before, I've been there and experienced it first hand and was the one at fault. I regret what I did regularly.

AliveFiveO - ummm, no don't thing the OP has a selfish attitude towards him one bit. Shall we ask OP what she does for her new boyfriend.

OP, lets make this fair, what do you do for him?

When women get warning signals they may not be correct sometimes etc. but lets not forget that inner voice totaly ay.

*totally

think as well.

6 months in is such a weird time in a relationship. You know you like each other, but you're really still relative strangers.

On the face of it, the things you've described don't seem like massive issues.

FWIW, my BF is a little bit the same. When we were about 6 months in, I was feeling the same as you - are they warning signs? Is he going to turn out to be a selfish dick and break my heart?, Etc...

I kept an eye on it and now that another 6 months have passed, I know him a lot better, I trust him and I've come to realise that it's just the way his brain works.

Forgetting a long standing engagement is exactly the kind of thing my BF does. And the wishing you good luck thing. My BF probably wouldn't wish me good luck either, but he would do something very practical and logical like send me a link to an article about dental surgery or something! I used to get panicked and upset by it in the early days because my ex was such a prick and I was scared of it happening again.

But I've come to realise he's actually just a very loveable scatter brain. And is brilliant and generous and attentive in other areas. I'm glad I didn't do anything knee jerk when I was still wobbly from past ex shit and reading too much into things.

You're absolutely right to be proceeding with caution though. And at least it's on your radar now. He'll show his true colours (lovely or otherwise) soon enough anyway. And if you don't like them, you know what to do.

For now, don't worry too much.

Madonnawhore, thanks so much! Really reassuring.

AliceFiveO, I'm definitely over my ex. Of course he's on the scene because we are parenting together, but there's nothing but a friendship there. And fuzzynavel, many thanks - I do a lot for him, including arranging a surprise trip to Vienna for his birthday!

All in all I'm feeling much better so thanks all!

It's all very well saying your DS has two computers in his bedroom but does he have the software. I assume he is making films or something similar so to say he could do it at yours is a non starter. Also has he lived on his own for a while because single people or only children can be very thoughtless towards other people. I think you are lucky he seems to be nice, you will just have to train him up to your expectations.

I think you expect too much to be honest, if he is working he wants to work in comfortable surroundings and not be disturbed doing that at his home is the best place to do it, you are definately being unreaonable there.

Id not wish someone good luck in having their teeth done, have you considered he may be scared of the dentist?

So he forgot something you were doing so what people do forget, maybe he has his blind spots like forgetting things its no big deal.

I think you have a vision of what you want and what you expect of how things should be and to deviate from that makes you think he is not good enough.

Well relatinoships are a two way street you cannot have everything you want, its about compromise.

Oh and news for you he is not perfect, no body is it is about working around things and deciding if they are deal breakers or not i.e can you live with the things you dont like about him or not?

If you are looking for Mr Perfect you will never find him.

well i think you have to trust your instincts. you might be overthinking this but something has bothered you enough to post here and a load of us telling you it's ok isn't every going to be as good as your own gut feel.

i'd strongly suggest that you don't commit to anymore, don't move in with him etc. until you've resolved most of these issues to the point that you're totally comfortable and no niggles remain.

Thing is he isnt what she wants. She wants someone who puts her first above their work, above everything. When you get older and people have lives they have made for themselves when living alone for a while it doesn't happen like that. People as they get older like their own space too and a break to do their stuff.

The OP is immature in her thinking and unless she wants someone who is younger she isn't going to find what she is looking for.