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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have you ever instigated on an MN style domestic strike? Did it end well?

39 replies

NotAnotherNewNappy · 12/12/2011 22:18

"D"H has royally pissed me off this weekend. His stupid words and thoughtless actions have left me with the impression he has very little appreciation for the work I do to around the home or empathy for how tough it is to be at home with 2 preschoolets then up every 2-3 hrs during the night with a BF baby.

Tomorrow I feel like separating our laundry baskets and only cooking and shopping for me and the DC. However, I can't imagine taking this stance will end well in the long run.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotAnotherNewNappy · 13/12/2011 14:38

No one? But I see it recomended on here all the time, surely someone has tried it?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 13/12/2011 14:40

I havent but I threatened it and as he knows I always make good on threats, he pulled his socks up!

Give him a chance "If you dont do X Y and Z then I will not be cooking cleaning or washing for you, I will look after the kids and me. And that includes shopping, so do not help yourself out of the fridge as that food will be ours" and if he still doesnt respond then see it through, but you must see it through otherwise he will never take you seriously.

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/12/2011 16:14

I did but didn't tell him I was doing it IYSWIM?

He was supposed to bring in the washing about 6 weeks ago and didn't.

So I left it out.

He took it in at the weekend all covered in snow.

GlaikitFizzEggNog · 13/12/2011 16:35

Hey NotAnother (I was on the April AN thread under another guise, pop in to the PN thread, we are good at whinging about DP/Hs! Have you gone on strike??

ameliagrey · 13/12/2011 16:44

I have stopped ironing his shirts and other clothes.

There is still a big mismatch between our contributions to the chores, but he does work longer hours than I do.

I also stopped cooking 2 nights week when I was working later.

At the time our son who is an adult took over the cooking but he has left home now, so I need to find another way to encourageforce DH to learn to cook. I don't mind cleaning as much as I hate the responsibility of always planning and cooking meals which tend to be from scratch as I have allergies etc which mean take aways and ready meals don't suit me.

bran · 13/12/2011 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatsysDouble · 13/12/2011 21:54

I stopped cooking an evening meal for my DH and I to share and started eating with the kids earlier instead, after he refused to acknowledge that I made sure he had a decent meal even when he was out until late. He rubbished my efforts telling me it was all microwave meals and not proper food anyway (true to a degree - however those meals were all home batch cooked and frozen so that when he gets home late he can have something good to eat - not supermarket ready meals).

Never got an apology, I just gave in at somepoint and made something for both of us. He still now make's sure there is an OTT 'thank you for the meal' after each meal. So meaningless. Sounds like a piss take when he says it now.

Similar with ironing shirts.
Never run to stopping doing his washing although did stop putting his clothes away if I ran out of time - this was in the lead up to me asking him to move out though, and all little niggling things. He had a big paddy about the putting-things-away-thing. (5 peoples worth of clothes on my bed, I put 4 away and leave his out (and even then only sometimes)).

GrendelsMum · 13/12/2011 22:11

My friend stopped doing her DH's laundry altogether, after he kept leaving dirty clothes in piles on the floor. Apparently it took him about a month to realise why he had no clothes to wear, after which things have been considerably better ever since.

babyhammock · 13/12/2011 22:28

Both my 'strikes' ended badly, though I'm a total advocate of them.
Reading through these posts makes me think i'll a adopt a zero tolerance policy if I ever live with a man again!

GrendelsMum · 13/12/2011 22:47

Come to think of it, I just happened not to cook very much when DH and I moved in together, due to being busy with more interesting things (like Mumsnetting, and reading, and going out). Not intended as any kind of strike, just a case of not being bothered about what was eaten and when. I would have been quite happy to make an omlette and be done with it (still would, most nights). He now admits that at the time he felt quite miffed in a 'where's my dinner' kind of way, and then realised that there was no reason at all for him to expect me to make his dinner. And ever since then, dinner making is roughly equal, with him doing somewhat more.

Eclairwaldorf · 13/12/2011 22:50

I stopped doing my husbands ironing ( I know I know, mumsnetters don't DO ironing but hey) for a whole as he pissed me off. But then the size of his irony g pile in the conservatory just bugged me so u spent a whole Sunday ironing ( OCD issues)

Original poster

NotAnotherNewNappy · 13/12/2011 22:58

Oh dear, I don't like the way those of you who have been on strike tend to talk about your relationships in past tense I can't see it ending well, as surely DH would retaliate by striking back and I'd never see a clean plate again?

I think I'll just stop making his sarnies and see how long it takes him to start making his own. His crime was to spoil my hard won child free time by moaning about the price of going for coffee in McDonalds. I don't think he realises it's me that makes saving money so easy by doing all the shopping, meal planning, lion's share of the cooking and even sending him off to work with his homemade sarnies and thoughtfully selected bag of crisps.

Ah how I miss the April thread, all that time to MN while DD2 was just a giant lump beneath my laptop.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 13/12/2011 23:10

Why was your child free time "hard won"? Its a given surely?

Sounds to me like you have managed to allow him to treat you like a servant who should be grateful for house room!

Forget a strike, a bloody good bollocking and dose of reality is what he needs. Have you a friend you could spend a couple of weeks with?!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2011 23:18

Your husband sounds horrible, and if you continue to act like a servant he will treat you like one

If you stop making sandwiches, will he wreck your thriftiness by going to the chippy or local sandwich shop ?

if you stop shopping and meal planning will he simply order in take away ?

you need to be careful that what you plan to do, you can follow through

or else it's an empty threat and will further support his refusal to take you seriously

in other words, never threaten unless you are prepared to do it and do it properly

FWIW, I haven't ironed my H's clothes since he complained once about 10 years ago

but I wouldn't game-play by doing a general strike, since if he is a lazy/dirty/obstinate fecker it is likely to hurt you more than him

brandrethmupp · 13/12/2011 23:22

I stopped ironing his work shirts. I used to end up doing them and he then complained about the quality of the ironing. My shirt ironing strike lasted a fair while -maybe a year. All it's meant is the wash basket is blocked with unwashed shirts and no room for the rest of the washing. He's got annoyed that no shirts are available but not really pulled his socks up. A strike would work if we had equal values but we don't so whatever I didn't do either wouldn't be done or he'd just whinge that I hadn't done it.

YuleingFanjo · 13/12/2011 23:32

I stopped washing my husband's clothes. Now he just leaves piles of stinking clothes lying around until he has none left. I hate it.

I won't give in though.

VikingLady · 14/12/2011 16:32

Dirty clothes left all over the house, so I left them until he had no clean pants for work. Told him he was disgusting for recycling a pair and wouldn't touch him until he'd showered afterwards. Whenhe asked where his clean pants were, I told him that I washed what was in the basket.

Not been a problem since.

Result!

motherinferior · 14/12/2011 16:36

It would never occur to me to do my partner's ironing.

We seem quite happy most of the time.

KatieScarlett2833 · 14/12/2011 16:36

DH complained about a shirt I ironed when we were dating.

I have not picked up an iron since, will be 19 years in January.

He is the one who does all the kids and his ironing. Me, I just dry carefully so never have to do any of mine. If on occasion I have something that needs ironing, he does it.

Still happy tho.

delilahbelle · 14/12/2011 18:12

I don't do DH ironing or put away his clothes, after he complained about a shirt not being ready to wear. Still do slightly more washing, but only if I feel like it.

He does more/all the cooking - but that's only because he loves to think he is masterchef. Must admit I don't mind eating, so we fit together nicely there.

CailinDana · 14/12/2011 18:26

From the little you mention of your DH in your posts, he doesn't sound very nice. I'm not sure a strike would do much good really. One thing I would say is stop washing his clothes, that's something that will only impact on him. I have never washed or ironed my DH's clothes. Also, stop making his lunch for god's sake, you're not his mum.

Spuddybean · 14/12/2011 18:32

Sadly strikes hurt me more than him, so i do just enough to make life bearable but not make me feel like a drudge.

If i stop washing his clothes he just wears them dirty, pants too. Then i can't bear being near him.

I cook 1 pot meals and make enough to freeze as he never washes up. He loves a roast on Sunday but i can't stand all the pans/trays being dirty till the following Sat.

I get annoyed that after i have washed, ironed and folded his clothes he wont put them away, so now i pile them up in his study, when i tidy i just put all his shit off the floor in there too and he gets irritated!

His office is his sanctuary so he doesn't care what the rest of the house is like as long as it's tidy in there.

If it gets messy in there at weekends he will say 'lets have a big house clean - i'll do my office and the washing up and you do the rest' Which leaves living room, dining room, hallway, bedroom and bathroom. And still the kitchen, as washing up to him doesn't mean all the pans - they are left to 'soak' and it also doesn't mean cleaning the surfaces or the hob etc!

CailinDana · 14/12/2011 18:44

That sounds awful Spuddy, what a wanker for he is to expect you to do the entire house while he does one room and a tiny bit of washing!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2011 18:57

more fool you for putting up with it, spuddy (abuse/fear of him notwithstanding of course)

Bogeyface · 14/12/2011 19:04

Why in the hell do you do anything for him Spuddy?

I would stop the washing AND the cooking straight away. And any dirty pots he leaves, put those in his study too. Hide a stash for you and the kids so he cant pinch them!

I fail to see why anyone would put up with being treated so shabbily

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