Sociopaths

[GerardWay]

I have every reason to believe that one of my InLaws is a sociopath. What I don't understand is why when they are caught out in their lies they manage to charm everyone round to thinking they (ie us) got it wrong. Even the adult children continue to fall for it everytime. I (and my DH who still falls for it all and DC's) have cut all contact with the person but worry about the damage he is doing to the rest of the family.

See the thread on Narcissistic personality disorder...they are very similar,and increasingly thought of as on the same spectrum.

Will do, thankyou.

I'm pretty sure my ex is one. He didn't really fit the NPD profile because he's so very calculating and manipulative with it, BUT jeeze the lying. It still amazes me what he comes out with and that people keep buying it. He's caught out on it time and time again but is totally unfazed which is just the weirdest thing. Then he just comes out with yet more bollox.

I know you're not supposed to do the Hare's checklist unless you're trained but he scored 38.

I don't want to hijack your thread but the whole thing is a complete nightmare. We have a DS together and he seems hellbent on destroying everything for us.

I've just read the sociopath next door and the Robert Hare book too. Its pretty disturbing stuff and although its helping me understand it better, the best way of dealing with it is to stay as far a way as possible. I can't (I would do anything to be able to) as we have DS together

Thank's baby, I've just read about NPD and he doesn't fit that. Sadly he seems like your ex. The family is now split and we have nothing to do with him (thank God) or his children. He almost destroyed our own family until my DH started to listen to what I (and other people) were saying. They are so worryingly convincing when they want to be. He lies, and lies and lies and his adult children believe every word he says even when they have seen solicitors letters proving he lied to them.

I think my husband is one too. Discovered last month he'd been living a double life - had a secret girlfriend and work mates who didn't know about me and the kids, and had them all here in the family home every weekend while I was visiting my parents for big druggy parties and regular shags. And oh the lies! Incredible.

Here's my recent thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1353294-Just-discovered-Hs-affair-how-to-get-over-the-fact-OW-stayed-at-my-house

babyhammock am really really interested in your experience of co-parenting with a sociopath. I'm desperately hoping DH is going to lose interest and just move on to another woman victim. Would love to speak more, could we PM or talk more on here?

warmleatherette I remember your thread, terrible, and of course you can. I've searched and searched for info on co-parenting with one and there's just nothing, only that the best thing is if they lose interest. I've had a really tough couple of days and was only saying to my best friend today that I'm just not strong enough to have him in my life..

GerardWay Yup the lies. Lie upon lie and lies for no reason whatsoever. Have you looked at the Hare's psychopathy checklist?

babyhammock so what's it like? does he lie to DS? manipulate him? try to get to you through your son? i can't bear the thought of him doing to them what he's done to me / OW / his workmates. and like gerardway says about the charm, wtf is that all about. even when you know there's something wrong with them and they're incapable of telling the truth, you still end up trying to relate to them like they're a normal person.

He came up with 31. I just don't understand when the proof is put in front of other people and they finally realise that we were always telling the truth that he then spins them a load of obvious crap- lies and they believe him all over again.

Yes that's it exactly. I spent years trying to rationalise it as though he was fundamentaly a normal person with normal emotions which is why its so hard not to fall for that charming side that was oh so sorry.

But he isn't a normal person with normal emotions. I see him now like an alien which really helps actually. Looks human but isn't. Knows the music but not the words IYSWIM.

We split 6 months ago and there's been no contact with DS but its recently started up again in a contact center. But I really don't think a contact center is safe. I know he will start to manipulate DS and use him/hurt him to punish me any way he can and i just can't bear it. He has lied and lied and lied through all the proceedings, lies which couldn't possibly be true and has broken the orders but he just keeps getting away with it. He's not even very good at lying as he continually contradicts himself, but he's so blatant with it that people just keep on believing him.

I feel like screaming...please look at what he's doing ...but no one is listening :(

GerardWay That's one of the hardest things for me. What do you have to do to get through to people. All the evidence is there but it just takes a bit of the old charm and a load of new and lets face it pretty unlikely stories and everyone sucked right back in..

Where can I find the Hare's checklist? I suspect I have a sociopath in my family.

I feel so sorry for you baby and warm. At least I have had almost no contact with BIL until he realised that he needed my DH for access to a large amount of money. He declared undying love for us all whilst telling his family that we had ripped him off and left him with nothing. Even after a family meeting he's still 'the winner' with no money and we're the bastards that have taken it all. We gave him well over £100,000 (all done with solicitors) but the BIL story is the one they all choose to believe even though he's spending thousands of pounds.

There is so much more I could say about his behaviour but I don't want to out myself much more than I have.

AKissIsNotAContract this is it www.arkancide.com/psychopathy.htm

Gerard they tell the story the exact opposite of how it actually is. Even when people have doubts they see it as six of one,half dozen of the other.. its like NO they are lying.
Its awful isn't.

Me too Gerard :(

Shineon thankyou for that. You're right, people just don't understand that level of manipulation. Do you have a link to that thread of yours?

I know what you mean about the war and I'm fighting I really am, I just feel like I can't do it anymore.

Oh, I'm so sorry for anyone who has had/still has a person like this in their life

I think it is true that you simply cannot understand what it is like until you have lived it, and trying to deal with them on a human level, expecting normal empathy and emotions will only fuck you up

There is a swirling, howling, black void in their consciousness and it is very fucking terrifying

Shineon everything you say is true esp when dealing with them directly. They feed off emotions like vampires..

I'm trying all that, but he isn't following the court orders, the law anything... and he keeps just getting away with it with just a slap on the wrist. I wonder what he has to do to to actually be sent to prison. Even my solicitor said she felt as though it was just a matter of time before he does the next thing. In the meantime he's has literally tried to tear our world apart.. I want to expand but I don't want to out myself. But its impossible to ignore. The worst is people keep giving him the benefit of the doubt.

AF yup, trying to deal with them on a human level is one huge headfuck.

I am so sorry, baby, I have followed your posts re. him and he terrifies me so you must be really struggling

Thanks AF
Last couple of days I just feel crushed. I've spent the last 6 months fighting and fighting and I always try and believe that it will be ok, keep positive, you know 'don't think just do' and all that but this morning I felt like I just couldn't go on. Just not strong enough anymore..
thank you x

Get some rest, love x

You are stronger than you think. You shouldn't have to fight just to keep your head above water. It's not fair. But I don't fancy the alternative for you.