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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bored and in need of my life back!!!

37 replies

alliegator · 09/01/2006 18:49

In a pickle!
Ive been married for nearly 7 years, but been together for 9.5, i've got 3 beautiful children, and i am bored! i work full time, so does dh, we get in, he gets his dressing gown and slippers, and enjoys sitting in front of the t.v all evening, whilst I on the other hand go to the gym, swimming, shopping etc.
In september last year my life was turned upside down by a particular man who shows me love, affection, has more in common with me than my husband, talks to me whenever possible, every day, whereas i dont speak to dh through the day, or evening come to mention it!
This is where it gets a bit messy. He's the husband of my ex-best friend, who should be emigrating to Oz in the summer. He has withdrawn his application to emigrate to be with me, and will stop at nothing until he has me and my 3 kids under his roof. I love him dearly, dh hasn't a clue whats going on. how the hell do I deal with this????

OP posts:
throckenholt · 09/01/2006 18:52

are you certain yoiur ideal man will stay ideal once you are living with him ? Is he worth taking your kids away from their dad for ? Is there anything in you current marriage worth fighting for ?

Sit down and write a list of pros and cons of staying or going - see what comes out as most important.

MarsLady · 09/01/2006 18:57

perhaps you could also think about what it was that got you and your dh together in the first place. Just because this man talks to you all the time now doesn't mean that he will in 7 years time.

Often the grass seems greener.

So... what do I think? Personally I think you need to spend some time with your DH. Spend some time doing the kind of thing that he likes and also the kind of thing that you like. If this proves to be difficult then spend some time together doing the kind of thing that you both like.

What makes you two laugh? Is it some dodgy comedy on the telly?

Find some common ground. Maybe you'll find the man you fell in love with again.

Original poster
alliegator · 09/01/2006 19:05

the the most important thing in my life is my kids. I am not happy where i am, and i'm sure the kids will pick up on that soon enough, what i dont want is for my marriage to break down to the degree of it being horrible. do i break up with dh on mutual grounds,to keep things sweet?
my lover tells me several times daily how he is feeling, he's told me he loves me dearly and the feelings are mutual. there is the prospect of moving to edinburgh with lover if thats what i choose, taking kids away as well. they get on with lover as they have grown up around him for the last 4 years.. he will be going to Oz on a temporary visa to take his wife across, but he will be back, what do i say to dh?????????

OP posts:
throckenholt · 09/01/2006 19:09

does his wife know he is not going to Oz with her ?

Would it be mutual if you split with DH ?

Would it be fair to takes the kids to Edinburgh - would they be able to maintain their relationship with their dad ?

Those and many other questions are ones you need to think about.

jalopy · 09/01/2006 19:13

Agree with throckenholt. How is your husband going to see the kids regularly if you are up in Scotland?

Blondeinlondon · 09/01/2006 19:14

why is she your ex best friend?

Original poster
alliegator · 09/01/2006 19:15

H and wife have had a rocky marriage for 4 years and they have discussed that he will take her to Oz, find her a house, and then he will return. He has signed over everything that is in joint names over to her as he has said he wants no ties left.
The kids would have a better life with him, and I would like it if contact was good between dh and kids, preventing access will not be an issue. he has been a good da to them if nothing else.
Maybe I am being selfish for wanting more for myself and the kids, but if wearing dreeing gown and slippers at the grand old age of 26 is all I have to look forward to then the further I am away the better. you only live once, afterall!

OP posts:
jalopy · 09/01/2006 19:17

How can you be so sure that you will have custody of the kids?

Original poster
alliegator · 09/01/2006 19:21

why is she my ex-best friend? good question.
The chemistry between her hubby and I has been there since we met over 4 years ago, so she has previously accused us of being together, several times, although things have only been happening since september 05. even people in the street would refer to him as my husband. maybe thats y?

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 09/01/2006 19:23

this situation sounds like an utter mess quite frankly, with a lot of potential to go pearshaped. E.g. what if this new man of yours stays in Oz? Your kids may be very resentful of the new man if they feel they have been uprooted because of him, however well they get on with him as a friend. Your DH, and your lover's wife will be furious if/when they find out. If you get together with this man shortly after you have a "mutual" split, your DH is unlikely not to put 2 and 2 together.

I think you have to decide whether or not you really want to end your marriage full stop, rather than whether you want to get together with this man; there is no guarantee that things will work out with this new man, or that you will find him any less boring once domesticity sets in.

MrsMiggins · 09/01/2006 19:24

you say the kids like him - will they still like him when you move away from their dad?
you say your lover loves you etc but you are channelling all your emotional energy into your lover so hes bound to reciprocate & similarly your H has no idea so probably thinks everything is fine

do you not owe to your H to be told how you feel?

i agree with jalopy - you seem very sure you will get custody
I dont know how old your children are but if they are school age AND your H can afford & wants to have custody, courts may well agree the children should stay put & have least disruption

hope you make the right decision for ALL of you

Original poster
alliegator · 09/01/2006 19:29

my children are 8, 4 and 3

OP posts:
Original poster
alliegator · 09/01/2006 19:33

what if the grass is greener? what if i stay with dh just for the kids sake? will i be happy?

OP posts:
MrsMiggins · 09/01/2006 19:38

maybe not but you dont exactly sound as if you've tried fixing your marriage

not exactly best person to be helping you as my H has gone off with someone else and to be honest, he never said anything was wrong BUT being a woman I knew something was up
your H probably hasnt got a clue so how can he try to change?

however I agree you shouldnt stay for the children but I think it foolish to think that just cos your the mum, you will automatically get custody & can take them up to Scotland away from their dad

MarsLady · 09/01/2006 19:40

I just think that you need to have a long hard think about this. And I agree that you need to talk to your DH about how you feel about him.

I don't know that I have anything to say that could help you, but if your kids are the most important part of your life you really do need to take a huge step back and think through all the scenarios.

Maybe waiting until this man has come back from Oz and not having any contact with him till then? That might help you get the emotional space to make any decisions.

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 09/01/2006 19:41

tbh i think you sound very selfish. You want to take your kids away from a man who you say is a good father because you are bored, how about putting some of the energy you are giving this new man into your marriage? Maybe this new man is exciting because you are not having to wash his pants everyday?

Original poster
alliegator · 09/01/2006 19:41

Maybe I should suggest a trial separation with dh to allow me some time to think of everything, pros, cons, rights, wrongs..................

OP posts:
throckenholt · 09/01/2006 19:43

I guess the question is - do you think it is worth trying to stay with your marraige (and keep the kids with their dad) and see if you can make it happy. Maybe give yourself a year of really making an effort to see if it improves.

One of your posts oddly seemed to talk about your DH in the past tense (has been a good dad) - he is and always will be their dad - so even if you split you have to work hard at maintaining that relationship for the kids sake.

Not saying you should sacrifice yourself for your kids - but just be very sure you have thought of all the options and tried everything before you risk breaking that relationship between father and kids (from observation it is very hard for kids to have a good realtionship with an absent dad).

throckenholt · 09/01/2006 19:47

if you do suggest a trial separation - do as MarsLady suggests - take a break from both while lover is in Oz - give yourself space from both to think.

And be honest with DH - you are not sure if life is enough fun with him (suggest he maybe feels the same about you) - say you need to have space to think about the future - if it is worth making a huge effort to improve your marriage or go away. Say you are trying to consider everyone. Maybe hint that there might be someone else - but nothing definite as yet - which is why you need space to think now before it is too late.

MrsMiggins · 09/01/2006 20:46

agree with Tamba that you are being selfish (didnt want to say it incase I looked like sour grapes cos Im in same position as your H)

agree with Marsy and Throckenholt
the person you should have a break from is Oz man NOT your H

hope for your sake grass IS greener

anniemac · 10/01/2006 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

heavenis · 10/01/2006 10:07

Do you want your marriage to work. I think your dh has the right to know what is going on.
Do you want to go from one relationship straight into another.
Are you in love or lust with this new man.
Would you be better off moving out with your children into a house of your own.
How do you think your children would feel if you all moved straight in with this man.
I don't have answers but it's something which must be thought about long and hard.

LittleMissSmall · 10/01/2006 16:04

I think you are pathetic. Why would you post about this on a thread that is the aftermath of an affair?

Sort your marriage out and stop shagging your mates husband would be a good place to start. No wonder she's your ex best mate. With a 'mate' like you she sure as hell doesn't need any enemies.

You should be greatful your husband wants to stay at home and isn't out every night getting his oats somewhere else.. like you are.

Bugsy2 · 10/01/2006 16:15

LittleMissSmall, calling someone names is not in the spirit of Mumsnet at all. Alliegator came on here asking for advice, not looking for your accusations. I would also like to say that I think it is unfair of people to level the accusation of selfishness too.
I find this very annoying that when people post for advice on an emotive topic, other posters cannot help but start name calling. That's not constructive advice or helpful or supportive, it is just unkind.
Alliegator, has the new man in your life actually left his wife or are they still living together? Do you want to live with him & start a new life together. Given that both you and your husband work full-time, have you thought about the custody implications - would you be happy with shared custody? Do you think your husband would fight for full custody? It sounds from your post as though you think your marriage is over - is that definitely the case? Any chance you could work things through with your husband?

mazzystar · 10/01/2006 16:24

ok, based only on your post i would be very very careful with what i did next.

you married your husband, so you must have loved him once, perhaps it would be less boring if you focussed some energy on him and got yourselves out of the rut you seem to have found yourselves in?

if your marriage really is over, it would be better for everyone to deal with that first before jumping in to something else.

whilst this man may show you love and affection....but he fundamentally cannot be trusted because he's currently married to someone else. ".....he'll stop at nothing until he has me and his three kids under his roof..." sounds scary to me