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Original poster

bi curious daughter

30 replies

thirdontheleft · 12/12/2011 17:22

My daughter has has a couple of bi encounters - ain't got a problem with that - so have I!

Issues are - do I tell her about me - I feel she ought to know, as she is not sure about her sexuality - her mother and I both support her what ever she wants to be - don't have a problem with what ever she wants to be - but parents present role models and children look up to them - will it diminish or improve her view of me if I tell her about myself?

How do I support her - she trusted a good friend at school and told her about herself - but they have fallen out and now it seems that rumours may be spreading. I will be particularly unhappy with the school if it does not encourage a culture of embracing all sexuality - in my opinion it goes with out saying that that is what schools should do. But any thoughts/parents expriences are welcome.

She knows that her mother and I support her - the big hurdle of being able to talk to us is not a big hurdle, but its something that we don't talk about much.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 17:26

Are you her Dad? If so then I am not sure if you should really tell her, as it could just be a very very embarassing conversation. There are some things a child really does not need to know about her parents, and if my Dad had decided to talk to me about something so intimate, I would have been utterly mortified.

How old is your daughter?

I personally would just let her know that you are supportive of her and that her sexuality is never going to be a problem to you, and that you love her and just want her to be happy.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 12/12/2011 18:04

I wouldn't share your own experiences - we all accept our parents had sex but (from a personal POV) that's enough detail. Your support is what counts.

lazarusinNazareth · 12/12/2011 18:06

Again, how old is she?
What would her mother think if you told her about you? Are the two of you together?
My Dad has told me a LOT about his experiences (I am 40, my mum left him when I was 11). Tbh, I really did not want or need to know any of it. I think he did it mainly to make himself feel better, without much regard for how I would be able to process it and forget it.

There are some things you don't need to know about your parents.

Original poster
thirdontheleft · 12/12/2011 18:06

Ta Squeaky

Yep I'm her dad - she's a teenager

Sound words - yes, mentioning my past to her may start an cringe worthy conversation - the flip side is letting her know she aint in the boat alone - having said that I think she suggested that she knows others at school in a similar position.

Dear Anne, why oh why oh why can't society be more open and accepting of the various shades of scxuality that humans have.

OP posts:
ReduceRecycleRegift · 12/12/2011 18:09

my thoughts are, that its a better message that you support her just because you do, not because you are bi too IYKWIM, as in her sexuality should be universallly accepted not just accepted by "her own kind" IYKWIM

and you do not wanna know about your parents sexual history

Original poster
thirdontheleft · 12/12/2011 18:13

and ta to the others too - you obviously replied as I wrote mine

I appreciate what you say - all sound thoughts and valuable experiences from my PoV

yes - sounds like the right thing to do is support her [doing that already] and not tell her about my past

On a slightly different note - does the same apply to the LSD and E and ... I don't make my self sound like a good dad - in many other people's opinions I am btw. Could be better in my opinion.

But I wonder if knowing that your parents are not perfect and some of their past means that children will be more open and comfortable about discussing their own issues.

OP posts:
MudAndGlitter · 12/12/2011 18:16

I'd tell my DCs when they were older if it came up. About mostly everything if they were emotionally mature enough to handle it. My mum was open with me and I appreciated it. Freaked out when she rolled my spliff for me when I did it wrong but that's a whole other thread!

Original poster
thirdontheleft · 12/12/2011 18:19

reduce - good words, indeed - but equally honesty on my part may well mean that she feels that there is someone close to her that understands where she is coming from and that may be reassuring

admittedly she is unsure about her own sexuality - and I aint that bi btw, never done anything particularly rude IYKWIM

OP posts:
Rhinestone · 12/12/2011 18:31

I'm assuming you want honest opinions so...I think you need to start acting like a father as opposed to a 'cool uncle'. Agree with everyone else that she doesn't need to now about your sexual past.

Plus why would you tell her about drugs? You're in danger of normalising / downplaying them. Do you honestly want her to try them?

Do you live with her?

lazarusinNazareth · 12/12/2011 20:06

I have been in a similar situation. When ds1 was a teenager he was trying to work out if he was bi or straight. I told him that whatever happened I would always stand by and support him. I also told him that he didn't have to make a solid decision and be confined by that choice forever!

As far as drugs are concerned, many of us have dabbled when we were younger. I have never told my ds about my (minor) drug use. It was a problem when he started get involved in heavier stuff though. His Dad spent his time telling him E etc was great but it was me that had to deal with the aftermath. (We split when ds was 5). I also had 2 younger dcs to consider.

Ultimately, our children need parents, not friends. Love her and support her but there is no need to rake up your past. If she asks and you want to be honest, play it by ear, see her reaction before you hit her with the heavy stuff!

Dozer · 12/12/2011 20:13

No, don't tell her, there need to be some boundaries and sexuality / drugs is confusing enough without revelations from parents.

Agree with rhinestone, "cool uncle" isn't best. Just carry on being supportive, listening, seek info from relevant organisations, eg stonewall, frank.

My DH's father told him a lot of inappropriate stuff about himself at a similar age and it really messed with DH's head. FIL still does this many years on and it pisses off all his DC.

Original poster
thirdontheleft · 13/12/2011 00:41

Thanks for passing on experiences - very usefull.

I most certainly am not trying to be a "cool uncle" - the thinking behind the question is that she will have concerns about who/what she is - part of me feels that by knowing that I have been in a similar boat then talking about issues will be less of a big thing for her - and that equally applies to drugs. If we are honest then we can not stop our children from experimenting. I do not want to play down drug use or glamourise it - then and now I believe the best drugs come from laughter and exercise - "E's are good, E's are good" in the words of The Shamen, except in this case its e for endorphin.

So part of me says that she should know that her dad ain't squeaky clean - and if she doubts herself and what she may do, or seeks opinion, or indeed does something that some may excessively moralise over, then she knows that the opinion, love and support I give comes with the value of experience. And hopefully as a result if she meets difficult or awkard situations she knows I am there, not jusdgemental but supportive - a good father.

OP posts:
NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 13/12/2011 00:58

Just be totally cool about it she will feel she isnt judged by you maybe the odd comment like 'you're always welcome to bring a girlfriend round here if you like'
Aside from her sexuality just make sure you let her know what a wonderful human being she is and how proud you are of her, sexuality doesn't have to be a defining feature of a person.

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 13/12/2011 00:59

ps DON'T tell her your stuff my dad did that once and I still shudder every timeI think of it 20 years later Sad

SilentNotViolentNight · 13/12/2011 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

antsypants · 13/12/2011 07:15

It sounds like you are in a great position to offer advice and support when it's asked for ( and even when it isn't) but she needs to develop the skills to work through these situations on her own, without someone else validating and directing... Even though it is with the best of intentions.

MamaChoo · 13/12/2011 09:03

If you tell her, in addition to what posters have said above, there's always the risk she will think you're trying to make it (in this case her news about her sexuality) about you.

fiventhree · 13/12/2011 09:16

Well, I had a similar conversation with my daughter recently, but she is 24 and more certain of her sexuality, considering the current partner a one - off.

I hadnt mentioned it previously, as teenagers are too impressionable, in my view

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2011 10:38

You can be supportive without oversharing

I would consider a parent talking about their sex life with their teenager to be off limits, personally. I have a teenager, and as her parent, I reserve my right to a private life, just as I reserve hers

I simply make it clear that we are available to talk if she wants to, and that we are open-minded to anything she may want to explore

after that, it just seems too cringe worthy to me...offering details in an attempt to make her think you are just like she is

you are not...we are all individuals

ArtVandelay · 13/12/2011 12:30

Yuck - parents doing sex and getting wasted Grin

Its really nice you want to be supportive. I would do that without sharing your own experiences, plus the fact you should be just listening and making understanding noises. Sometimes butting in with your own stories can just feel like competing and also very irrelevant to her even if you think its the same.

Also consider that if she's questioning her identity she probably has enough going on without having to question yours because you had a few gay experiences. Now I'm older the 'gayness' spectrum feels very broad and subtle to me because of my life's experiences. When I was a teenager I did not have the experiences or have met enough people to be this laid back about it.

Good luck - you sound like lovely Dad!

AMumInScotland · 13/12/2011 12:53

While she's a teenager you should not tell her any detail about your own sexual past, or about your use of drugs, beyond not actually denying anything. Teenagers are basically self-centred, and anything which is about you is not about her. You may think you are giving her permission to be honest, by being honest yourself. Nope! It doesn't work that way!

You let her be honest by showing her that you will accept and love her, whatever she tells you. And by showing her that your focus is on what she is telling you, or talking round, or struggling with. Any mention of your own experiences is a focus on your experiences and not hers.

Once she's into her 20s, you can shift the focus a bit, and develop an adult-to-adult relationship with her, where you can both be more open about these kinds of things. For now, it's one adult and one teen, and that is not the same thing as two adults, however much we pretend to agree that they are grown-ups now.

Original poster
thirdontheleft · 13/12/2011 13:11

Thanks for all the comments - helpfull

And probably the approach I'll take untill I get asked/or she is older. Having said that her and I are close. Her mother and I have been seperated since she was a few years old - and I've been on call when her mother got pregnant and the bloke dumped her, or when her mother and her had to move out cause the guy they were living with was violent. My daughter's eyes are open in many ways - yet I'm lucky that she is the happy (mostly), caring person she is. People put that down partially to me being there for her. So if talking about who I am helps her feel happier with who she is then it is something I would and should do - she is mature - maybe not old enough yet - maybe only talk about if she wated to, cause every one is right about not wanting to know about the squidgy/sweaty moments of one's parents' past

OP posts:
Original poster
thirdontheleft · 13/12/2011 13:14

ps to the people who suggest that I'm not doing what a father should do, but being more of the "cool uncle" - wat is it that I appear not to be doing?

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2011 13:14

I agree, AMIS, my teenage dd is very much still a kid (no matter how much she tries to convince she is a grown up)

she is not my equal in many ways...the ways that count in a parent/child relationship that is...namely; experience, maturity, balance and the ability to put the mighty ego to one side

Rhinestone · 13/12/2011 14:10

"ps to the people who suggest that I'm not doing what a father should do, but being more of the "cool uncle" - wat is it that I appear not to be doing?"

Well I'd better answer that as I first used the phrase. There's just something about your tone to be honest. You're coming across as far more concerned to let us all know how 'right on' you are and what a wonderful parent you are, rather than on what she might need. (By the way, does her mother who lived with her get any credit for her?)

Plus everything you're saying about her current experiences is placed in the context of you and your experiences and what a cool guy you are.

As a couple of other posters have said, I also think parents should not discuss their sex life with their children. It's just rather icky and inappropriate, and at worst can border on downright creepy. I'm not suggesting for a moment that this is your intent but is something you should be aware of.

And please don't talk about drug use as if it's inevitable and part of growing up. It really isn't and if she DOESN'T want to try drugs - because believe it or not, not all teenagers do - then the last thing she needs is any kind of normalising it from you.

That probably all sound harsh but you did ask!

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