Well finally it's happened. My parents are 'marooned' in their house.

[OrmIrian]

I have posted on here about wanting my parents to sell their remote house and huge hill-side garden which they were struggling to keep together. They are 80 and dad had a major heart op 2 years ago, now has a catheter and recurrent infections related to that. Mum has terrible rheumatism and arthritis and kidney problems. They won't consider it.

Mum doesn't like to drive anymore as she has a developing cataract and she also finds it quite frightening on the roads these days. Dad is OK with driving.

Dad has broken his ankle. He hurt it 2 weeks ago - GP told him it wasn't broken. Yesterday it was still really painful so mum had to drive him to A&E. X-ray confirmed the break. So there are stranded in their house, no-one able to safely drive and dad can't cope with the steep driveway down to the house from the garage on his zimmer frame.

I went over yesterday to see if they needed anything and to help mum place a Tesco delivery (she hates shopping online usually). But I don't have time to go over every day.

I am torn between being cross with them and feeling so sad because I am guessing they will have to move now and I think it will be hard for them.

Poor you, all of you. Yes, it will be hard for them but they will be more comfortable once they have moved.
I've seen this happen with both my parents?they stayed where they were beyond the point where they were able to face the idea of moving. My DF ended up more or less trapped in his house for the last few years of his life, and my mother is rapidly approaching that point but refusing even to accept the reality, far less talk about doing something about it.

If she has got the hang of online shopping (or you can help her with it once every week or something) - do you think you could get a cleaner to go in once a week too, even just for an hour or two? That way the house will stay ok.. it would allow them to stay there for a bit longer.. maybe not forever but for the immediate future?

Thanks.

snuff - it's not the house that's the issue. She can potter about doing that and keeping it OK, it's the garden - their pride and joy and their burden too. 3 acres, most of it steep, 2 areas of woodland, an orchard, a huge veg garden and lots and lots of sloping lawns. It needs a full-time gardener which neither I nor they can afford.

Does your council social services dept provide Direct Payments for your dp's to employ an assistant? Call Age Concern for advice

Thanks Julia - I will try Age Concern.

notfor - they'd have to find space for a Woofer to live. Not sure they'd deal with that too well .

Maybe there is someone locally who likes gardening, and would tidy the rest in return for the produce they grow in the veg garden - I know my neighbour is on the waiting list for an allotment, and would happily come to an agreement with someone. If theres a local horticultural club they might know someone

If your mum is OK with it, you could do her Tescos shop for her (ie, logged in as her) with her on the phone telling you what she wants

Age Concern in my area do a scheme where they take people to the shops and help them round, organise approved handyman services and that sort of thing - obv theres a charge, but they are safe and reliable

They might be eligible for attendance allowance - my Gran used to get this and spent it all on a gardener. If they truely love the house so much that they don't mind being stuck in it then this might help.

My dh's gran was stuck in her house but didn't mind. She would rather have been stuck in her house than move to a more sensible property. She used to have someone do her shopping for her and bring stuff in, think social services helped to arrange that. She was quite happy not going out.

And I bet someone would happily take over the veg plot in return for being able to keep the majority of the veg. There are a lot of wannabe River Cottage types without big enough gardens. An old bloke in our village does this, he advertised for someone to take on his veg plots and got lots of interest.

I agree that it might be worth while asking around to see if anyone would like to "share" the garden.

It would also might be an idea to get a landscaper in to talk about possible planting changes that could be made to cut down on maintenance, eg wildflower meadow rather than large lawns etc.

Do look into direct payments. My grandmother was "marooned" in her house for about 4years, but it was worth it to her. She spent a lot of her attendance allowance on someone to do the garden once a month, and the rest on a cleaner for an hour once a week.

Eventually she moved into a nursing home, and that was mostly due to her extremely isolated rural location (so virtually impossible to find anyone who wanted to do a carers job with the amount of travelling it would have involved). If they are rural but with enough local people around to pay for some help then it might be possible for them to stay where they are with adjustments.

my parents are in their 80's and certainly Dad is in the same position. They have a large house with a big garden (although not as big as your DP's) and I know that dad certainly will never move. He is pretty much housebound now and my Mum is looking at an enduring power of attorney as he is also getting very forgetful. It's so hard seeing them like this, although thankfully mum is still very fit and active. They have a gardener now who comes once a week, which they reluctantly agreed to, but don't like accepting help as it seems like defeat I think.

It is difficult and I do feel for you. All you can do is provide whatever support you can, and let them make their own decisions. Do you have any siblings or other relatives who can help out?

Thanks everyone.

My ideal solution would be for them to move into a house nearer me - still with a garden as they'd shrivel up and die without one, and still in the countryside - but a smaller garden and only 5 mins away. But I am wasting me breath...

I might suggest the gardening/veg swop thing - see if they go for it.

funnys - I have an older brother but he's in N Wales (about 4 hrs drive away). I tend to do any looking after that needs doing.

Definitely apply for attendance allowance. That would cover a fair bit of garden maintenance

Orm even though you are close by, don't feel you have to do everything for them. My sister lives near to my parents while me and my other sister don't. She has until recently done an awful lot for them, but found it exhausting and has had to back off. She wasn't spending anytime with her DH and was becoming quite resentful. She now visits once a week and is alway there in an emergency. She tried to persuade them to move, but they were having none of it. I phone every week and will provide what help and support I can, but ultimately it is still their life and they have to live it as they see fit.

Do they have any neighbours, or are they really isolated? Mum and Dad rely quite a lot on their neighbours to light the boiler etc (they still have an old solid fuel boiler!)

This happened with my grandparents, and in the end they had to move and it was too late because the new house never became 'home' and they were too old and tired to make new friends. Very sad.

I have made my parents swear an oath that they won't do the same, they have agreed and are also going to give me PoA soon rather than waiting.

I agree with Funnys that you need to keep some space in your life for yourself. My Mum didn't manage it very well, and then had to back off which created some resentment.

thats interesting Ali and actually quite a positive take on the problem. Sorry to hear about your grandparents, that is very sad. And agree ref the POA. Dad is going to do one this week as most of the finances are in his name and he can't remember his internet password....!

Er, isn't there some kind of income/asset limit on attendance allowance/direct payments so rich people with huge houses in grounds can't get free 'staff' just because they're old? If there isn't, that's actually a bit disgusting considering that single mothers living in tiny flats are getting benefits cut for 'scrounging' when they are obviously in far greater need... Basically all they need to do is move. No one has the right to stay in a huge house all their life just because they like it, ffs. My gran had to move when she had dementia and was thus extremely distressed by it, so not much sympathy for people who have no MH 'excuse', just pure habit and self-centredness.

Attendance Allowance is the equivilent of Disability Living Allowance for over 65s. You qualify for it if your mental or physical disability is bad enough. No, it's not means tested (neither is DLA).

Thanksfully, we managed to convince my gran to move before it had reach this point.
One of the things that worked for her was to realize that, once she wouldn't be able to drive, she would have a very big issue with the shopping. And to go and see the gp, and just generally being able to go and see people.

Perhaps you could use this 'incident' to highlight how difficult it would be for them when your dad won't be able to drive. And how much nicer it would be to do the move before they have no other choice but to do so. (I am assuming here that your dad will be able to drive again once his ankle is fixed).
It's so hard when the house is the 'family' house. I know my gran is still referring to the house she lived in for 30~40 years as her house even though it has been sold about 10 years ago. Tbh, I still think of that house as the 'family' house too. So many nice memories attached to that place.

Wibbly, it would most likely finish my Dad off if he were forced to move house. He is far too frail physically and mentally to contend with such a massive event. Thankfully they still have sufficient finances not to have to rely on state assistance. However if they ever needed care and couldn't afford it, I sincerely hope their physical and mental well being were taken into account before being told that they had no choice but to move house. Often having a big house with gardens does not mean that there is much in the way of ready cash. My parents for example survive on small pensions and are certainly not 'rich'.

Difficult one here, i was on the other side of the equation in my job (managing retirement accom) those that move before they cannot cope in their own homes definately fare better than those that have an enforced move afterwards.
Find a place you think they may like and then get them to visit it (on the way to lunch out or something) and chat about whether or not they can try to imagine all the good points....if you are looking at more specialist accom, then try to get them to some of their social events....my place did cinema nights/afternoon teas etc etc.
Im afraid i agree with wibble about the finances but for as long as the system does such a thing then its there to be used.....are you anywhere near a horticultural college..they would be ecstatic at the challenge!

wibble - They haven't asked for anything. So your comment 'so not much sympathy for people who have no MH 'excuse', just pure habit and self-centredness' is not relevant. But hey, thanks for that anyway