Well finally it's happened. My parents are 'marooned' in their house.

[OrmIrian]

I have posted on here about wanting my parents to sell their remote house and huge hill-side garden which they were struggling to keep together. They are 80 and dad had a major heart op 2 years ago, now has a catheter and recurrent infections related to that. Mum has terrible rheumatism and arthritis and kidney problems. They won't consider it.

Mum doesn't like to drive anymore as she has a developing cataract and she also finds it quite frightening on the roads these days. Dad is OK with driving.

Dad has broken his ankle. He hurt it 2 weeks ago - GP told him it wasn't broken. Yesterday it was still really painful so mum had to drive him to A&E. X-ray confirmed the break. So there are stranded in their house, no-one able to safely drive and dad can't cope with the steep driveway down to the house from the garage on his zimmer frame.

I went over yesterday to see if they needed anything and to help mum place a Tesco delivery (she hates shopping online usually). But I don't have time to go over every day.

I am torn between being cross with them and feeling so sad because I am guessing they will have to move now and I think it will be hard for them.

Not to mention the fact that houses aren't exactly flying out of the estate agents windows atm.

WibblyBibble, I am bit by your comment. Moving house for an elderly person IS a traumatic event that CAN affect badly their mental health. Some of them just lose the will to live after being forced to move out. (Again personal experience here).

Wibble - my granddad was hugely affected by moving. He became depressed and 8 months after they moved he had to go into a nursing home and never came out again. He basically gave up on life, which was dreadfully sad because he was a wonderful man with a wonderful mind.

I find your post incredibly offensive and lacking in any kind of empathy.

Funnys it is very worth doing PoA. Ironically, my Dad is talking about giving it to me for him, while he himself has it for his own now very elderly mother :) It has proved invaluable as she hasn't the mental energies these days to deal with finances/paperwork etc and it makes her incredibly stressed and upset.

After having finished my present buying for my family, and doing it again for MIL as she doesn't know what to get and can't get out easily either, I had a panicked phone call from mum because she hasn't got a gift for DH. So once more unto the fucking shops dear friends, once more.......

I do think this should be more about what they want rather than what you want...even though I can imagine how worried you are about them.I see lots of old people in this situation. When they move they often die quite shortly after. Your Dad has broken his ankle and that should hopefully heal and he should come off the zimmer frame. The local Care and Repair agency could come and fit indoor or outdoor grab rails/outside rails for a reasonable charge if those would help. 3 acres is big but a reasonable professional gardener would keep it neat with a once a week visit. Not perfect but neat. There is also a website (maybe to do wih Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall) which matches people with land but I can't remember the name of it...sorry. A cleaner / carer could help with the inside and shopping trips. The most important thing would be to look at falls and why it happened to prevent it happening again.

Main causes, medication, vision, balance, loose mats and rugs etc...

I second calling Age Concern, they were amazing when I needed to arrange work to be done on my mums house.
She was very vulnerable so it was great to know that their contractors are fully vetted and and that they cannot overcharge, very helpful and efficient too.
I was amazed that you only have to be 50 to qualify for their help!

"they move they often die quite shortly after."

Yes, that is my biggest fear TBH. Seen it more than once I wish they had made the move 15 years ago when they were seriously considering it - then they could have made the new house 'home'. I can't help feeling anywhere new now will be a place to wait for the end iyswim. But yes I am worried. Every time the phone rings now I am dreading something else will have happened to one of them.

You can also get falls alarms and emergency call systems. Either through your local council or Age Concern or privately.

Check out www.nrs-uk.co.uk/ProductCategories/30/stand-alone-telecare.html

My Mum is in hospital following yet another fall. She's not being released until the local authority has put a care package in place through social services. Social services won't let her be released until we have had one of those alarms worn round the neck set up and a keysafe fitted to the outside of her house. I second speaking to Age Concern as well.

You have quite a lot on your plate atm.

Can you do the essential stuff - like making sure your parents have food by setting up an online order yourself for them and then once its in placethey can do the same order every week? Forget the garden for the meantime, its winter so ( I'm not a garden person here I'm sure someone will shoot me if I get it wrong) nothing is going to happen to it in the next couple of months. Also not a great time of year to think about house sales so something to put aside for now I would have said.

Yes get them alarms through Age Concern, my Dad has one and its very helpful to know he has it ( although DS set it off a couple of times as a toddler). Give them a ring each day rather than calling round.

But things like Christmas presents from your Mum to your DH, well sometimes you just have to say that a cheque in an envelope is just as good, you can't do everything and you will do damage to your own health if you try.

Yes, my mum has been disabled for as few years now. I get her books for DS from Amazon or ask for stuff for me that she can get in the supermarket like, mixing bowls or plain lasange dishes or just money towards something. She feels like she's given everyone what they want then with very little hassle on my part.

Well, all christmas shopping done now. I just have to pop over at the weekend to drop it all off. And then to see MIL to do the same. Can't go earlier as the cold I've been fighting off has fought back and I think I have a chest infection. DH has said he'll go this evening after work if they need anything.

Would www.rivercottage.net/about/projects/landshare/ be off any help?

TRicky one. TBH if they are housebound it doesn't matter where they are housebound, they will still be so.

If your mum can get about by taxi then she needs to make a relationship with a taxi firm and get the same driver each time (and often regular user rates too). My parents use the local "car pool" which is a book a head voluntary service that still costs but is cheaper.

Check they are getting all the financial help they re entitled too and then encourage them to pay people to do what is needed in the house/garden and even for personal care if they don't qualify for state help.

Why do you feel they will "have to move"?

Shopping is easy (even if it means you sit at the PC and your mum dicatates her list to you) and actually getting people in to do stuff means that they see people often and get to know them (my parents "gardener" Roger, drove them over to us on monday to spend a week here- it's a good hour plus drive- he combined it with a trip to his family and no doubt they gave him petrol money- he shovels snow for them and generally helps out).

Sounds as if it would be great if someone could help with the garden tbh.

My Dad was recently very ill-we were called in to say our goodbyes.

However, he´s a tough old bugger.

But initially from the hospital bed he was saying that he "needed some care now" & wanted to move to a smaller more manageable place.

When we left him he could only stand with the help of 2 physios.

Now, he is walking with a stick & wants to go home!

What can you do/say?

We´d like him to move but he loves the house/area/neighbours so much.

And although I´d like him to live forever, I´d rather him have a happy few months there than be miserable for years somewhere else tbh.

If they aren;t going to go out much it might be best to sell the car, save the running costs and plough that plus whatever they get for the car in to a gardener and taxi fares when they do want to do stuff. Your mum may 'hate' computers atm but if you can get somebody in to skill her up (I think some councils offer this) then that could be a real lifeline for them - you can do so much now via the internet and e-mail.

thea - they will only be totally housebound until dad's ankle heals. I am guessing things will improve quite a bit after that. But then something else will happen...and then something else. ANyway if they weren't up the side of the Mendips even dad wouldn't be housebound - zimmer frames work fine on flat pavements and paths!

They have decided not to come to us for christmas now

The garden is the main issue long-term and I guess that is where we need to concentrate their efforts.

I guess I am feeling antsy atm because I remember when dad was in hospital efore I had to put my family on hold for about 2m mainly because I spent my entire time up and down the mway every evening, worrying about each visit being the last time I'd see him. So I'm sure I am a bit over-sensitive.

I just wish they were just down the road so I could see them regularly and spend time with my family to. I am sure that is entirely self-centred but I think for the right reasons....

Orm you must remember that your parents are not your responsibility. Of course you will help them out as much as possible, but you really need to put you and your family first.