is this passive agressive behaviour? and if so, how can it be changed?

[wagonweel1]

Dh and I have been going through a bad patch for some time now. We seem to have a few weeks where we get on ok then things come to a head and we dont speak for weeks. I feel like he tortures me with silence. If I try to speak to him about it he just puts all the blame on me. The thing is, whenever we have a slight disagreement he treats me with such contempt and tends to give me the silent treatment that I end up getting all worked up and saying unpleasant things to him that I usually later regret.

Over the last 12 months lots of things have happened ie
He told me on xmas day last year that he didnt love me anymore. I spent the whole of xmas day putting on a brave face infront of family then a few days later he said he didnt mean it.
He has no enthusiasm when booking holidays , organising days out etc and leaves it all up to me, saying that he doesnt mind either way. When I organise something and it ends up being not that good he then blames me and says he would have chosen xxxx. When I ask him why didnt he say this before I booked he just says nothing.
He doesnt like social events such as weddings, christenings etc, and always manages to fall out with me beforehand. I end up trying my best to make friends with him because I dont want other people to see us and its so obvious that we arent speaking.
When I organise parties for the kids he doesnt help out but does tend to hang around. When I ask him to help he huffs & puffs. If I complain that he's unwilling to help then he says that I shouldnt have organised it if I didnt want to do the work and it wasnt his idea.
He's so nice in front of other people.
He's even told some of our mutual friends that we havent been getting on well lately.
Earlier this year I found some texts to his single friend arranging a night out in another town where "no-one would know us". I confronted him and he got really upset and swears on the childrens life that he would never have done anything. He said he was angry at the time after an argument. I will never know.

The children love him, he has no problem showing them love and affection. Last night it all came to a head again and I got so upset I was sobbing. I couldnt get my breath and I think I may have had a panic attack (not sure, never had one before). I went outside and sat down trying to get my breath. DH said nothing.

I dont want to talk to my family and friends about it. I keep thinking that if I talk to them and we manage to work things out then they will never be the same with him again. I'm not perfect, I do start arguments, he says I am sarcastic, I admit I am but I think I do it when he is hostile towards me because I am so upset inside.

Sorry this is so long, need to get it off my chest.

this is not good - he is constantly setting you up, and constantly punishing you. I would suggest you get some counselling - alone - to work out these issues. I wouldn't suggest he comes along because imo he would manipulate the sessions - you may benefit from shared counselling in the future but, for now, you need to get clear in your head what is going on. imo this is an abusive relationship. He panicked when you caught him (re text) but only because he is controlling you and it went out of his control.

Agree with springy

Also, regading your header Q: "how can it be changed?" - It can't, unless he chooses to act differently. And only he can decide that: nothing you can do can influence another person's behaviour. It is his choice and his alone how he behaves.

I'd also recommend you stop making up to him when he engineers a fight before a social engagement: you are being pressured into giving in for appearances. Stop caring about appearances: if he wants to act like an arse at a wedding or christening, let him. Again, his behaviour is not your responsibility.

Exactly what springydaffs says... this rings lots of bells for me. Similiar behaviour from my ex who is as charming and manipulative as the day is long. Go look after yourself first before tackling anything else. Good luck.

If it's any comfort, this is typical "crazy-making" behaviour. He may have some underlying issues ie hates social occasions, is depressed and can't make plans, but you need to get into a place where you are strong, not dependent on him to make family occasions go all right. Have a look at the reading list on the emotional abuse thread.
From what you said it sounds reasonably mild at the moment, but it is grinding you down to a point where you will be walking on eggshells. Are you feeling apprehensive about this Xmas?
Work on getting support yourself and if you can't talk to RL friends, a counsellor would be a good idea. Will give you the space to explore what is happening and to explore options for dealing with it. But don't approach him until you feel secure in yourself would be my advice.

Thanks for replies. He has offered to go to councelling in the past when things came to a head and I said I couldnt live like this any more. But, I know that I would have to arrange it. He would just come out with the same old line "I dont know how to go about it, you will have to sort it". Kind of like he is doing the right thing in offering to go but then washing his hands of it and will leave it all up to me to sort out.

I think this stems from the fact that for the last 7 years I have been a sahm and pretty much sort out everything. I had to give up my job after the birth of one of our dc who has health problems, we were both in agreement with this, and for me this was not something I hesitated doing. Financially we manage, he more or less hands over his wages to me so i manage the household bills, food, children etc and there is money left over for me if I want to spend/save it. If anything, I control the money.

One other thing that I am confused about. The same thing nearly always happens after we havent spoken for a while. Nothing ever gets resolved, he nearly always suggests a clean slate and that both of us should make an effort to change and respect each other. For a few days he will give me a kiss when passing in the kitchen etc and he will put his arm round me in bed. I find it hard to reciprocate because i know it wont last and that the silent treatment and hostility will round the corner. He then accuses me of not making the effort. But, I find it hard to put on a show of affection for him. I need to feel the affection first. And then the cycle starts again, because he says I dont care and that its no wonder we have problems.

Just read my last post back about controlling the money. I should add that it was dh's idea to give me his wages so that I can sort out the household. He has no real interest in money. He hardly spends anything on himself.

He has offered to go to councelling in the past when things came to a head and I said I couldnt live like this any more. But, I know that I would have to arrange it. He would just come out with the same old line "I dont know how to go about it, you will have to sort it". Kind of like he is doing the right thing in offering to go but then washing his hands of it and will leave it all up to me to sort out.

So, let him sort something out - or not - as he sees fit.

The counselling suggested upthread is not couples counselling, it's counselling just for you, on your own, to untangle your own feelings with a professional.

He or she will do you a lot more good than we can - promise!

Exactly how long has this been going on, or has he always been this bad?

Just thought of another time this year when he ruined something I was really looking forward to. I was going to see a concert with some of our mutual friends (no husbands, just wives). He picked an argument a few days before and didnt speak to me. He told me on the morning of the concert that he was only here for the kids. I got upset and ended up with a bad migraine. I said I wasnt going to the concert and asked him to contact friends to explain I was ill. He got really apologetic and went out to get me some migraine tablets, he really panicked and fussed over me and convinced me to go and apologised for what he had said.

On Friday I went on my 1st works xmas do in 8 years ( I have started doing voluntary work a few days a week). I was rushing around all morning sorting out medical things for our dd and ended up getting home about 45 minutes before I was due to be picked up for the xmas party. I was in a rush to shower and change. The previous day I had taken delivery of a new kitchen appliance but forgot to obtain a receipt. He wanted the receipt and wanted me to ring to sort it out. I said that I was running late and would ring the next day but he got angry and wanted it doing straight away. I knew I would be late if I faffed around with this so I suggested he do it. He accused me of wandering around shops all morning and asked me what was more important, the xmas party or the receipt. I told him that I would sort it the next day so he refused to speak to me and stormed out to work. I felt like he ruined my xmas party because I was upset yet again. He collected me later on as I had asked but refused point blank to speak to me in the car in front of the children.

When he comes in later I know that he will completely ignore me. The more I try to talk to him the more he will give me 1 word answers. He will sit in the other room and if I go in and ask why he doesnt want to sit with me he will very calmly just say that he is reading the paper, or he is just having a lie down. He doesnt say things nastily, he is very matter of fact. It makes me so angry when he does this, I want to smash his face in. Sorry.

Look at it this way: you're the one on here asking for help. Your DH is not bothered? So he's not bothered. That's his lookout: you can't make him care.

But you are suffering emotional turmoil because of it. There are professionals out there who can help you get a clearer view and move beyond this suffering.

I would say this has been building up for a few years. We have had a lot of stress due to our daughters illness but I dont think its because of that. Things have got much much worse in the last 12 months. Coincidentally, since I started voluntary work. But, I work it around school so its not as if it affects anyone.

I do need to look into counselling for myself dont I.

I think he's having an affair and has been from the moment this got much worse.

Stern, I think your wrong.

How do I arrange counselling? Whilst we are financially ok, we dont have tons of spare cash. Could I get a referral from gp?

What should I do in the meantime? Should i just carry on as we are, passing each other in the house, not speaking and wait for him to talk?

Should i tell him I'm going to see a counsellor?

What were the texts to the single friend all about then and how did you discover them? Presumably because you were suspicious and that hasn't quite left you, otherwise you wouldn't have made any mention of these texts in your OP. His behaviour is synonymous with someone having an affair. A year ago he told you he didn't love you, you found dodgy texts and he's creating arguments out of nothing. Can you without doubt, rule this out OP?

It might not be an affair (might be though), but do you see the pattern. Whenever you do something for you he acts like a A. You get a voluntary job, he acts like an a. You plan to go out, he acts like an a. Anything you look forward to he ruins it by acting like an a.
Talk to your GP then, just go to see a counsellor, I would be inclined not to tell him, because he might just do something to stop you (someone I know's mother used to become seriously ill...).

stern, obviously I cannot 100% say that he is not having an affair, but then neither can anyone. But I am pretty certain thats not it. Its mainly men where he works, and i would 100% say that the odd few women that are there would definitely not be what he was looking for. The only other places he goes to are excercise related and he tends to train with my brother so I think its highly unlikely. He very rarely goes out for a drink anywhere. But aside from him having few opportunities to conduct an affair, I just feel that I am pretty certain this is not it.

Got to be honest I agree with stern, he sounds like a twunt. But as soon as I read your op, I thought affair. He's basically already left you in his head hasnt he?

He says he dosent love you, he starts to ignore you, treat you badly, withdraw from family life.

Oh edit. That's before I read about the texts where no one will know. 100% affair I will bet my house. He's doing this to you to justify it, you can't change it.

Plus op, it's naive to think women at his work may not be his type or he dosent have time. You'd be suprised.

Just because he's apparently fallen out of love it doesn't mean he's having an affair! He may be, but it doesn't always follow.

OP, you have two choices - walk away from the marriage or get some sort of counselling, either alone or as a couple. That sort of atmosphere is stifling and unhealthy, and I would say it needs to be brought to a head one way or the other.

Don't think for one minute that the kids haven't picked up on the tension - they will almost certainly have done, and it is damaging for them the more it is left to fester.

Good luck.

But if thats the case bubble, why is it that we are (at his idea) in the middle of some major building work on our home. It was all his idea to give us a bigger kitchen and larger family room. It wouldnt make sense.

cointreau, I know that the kids will have picked up. We dont have screaming rows but its pretty obvious things are not right. It breaks my heart when I think of the kids.

does he spend a lot of time on the internet after you've gone to bed?

Notsuch - no, not at all, he's not very computer literate. He cant even order books from amazon, I have to do it. He always goes to bed before me aswell. And he doesnt have the internet on his phone, its a very basic payg. He cant use my smartphone when I hand it to him if he needs to look something up. He has no interest in technology. He is a very basic needs person.

Men don't always have affairs you know op, with the intention of getting caught and slung out. In fact quite the opposite.

They however do withdraw mentally and physically from the faily in most cases, to justify the cheating to themselves. I think you should read up on it.

I'm not some spurned wife whose husband has cheated, I've never been cheated on to my knowledge. But I've seen it enough in RL and on here, to see everyone is the same.

You seem so sure, but like stern that was my first thought, with the stuff you described, that's before I even read about the texts.

Either way, he's withdrawn himself from the relationship, he clearly doesn't love you. He told you so, he's treating you appallingly and he has totally detached from family life. Do you not wonder why?

I'm not sure what you want to fix? He is behaving awfully yes.......but you can't fix that, you need to try and find out why, this all started 12 months ago with his sudden declaration he didn't love you anymore. His actions since, certainly seem to back up that is how he feels. Oh and not log after you found those texts...........