is this passive agressive behaviour? and if so, how can it be changed?

[wagonweel1]

Dh and I have been going through a bad patch for some time now. We seem to have a few weeks where we get on ok then things come to a head and we dont speak for weeks. I feel like he tortures me with silence. If I try to speak to him about it he just puts all the blame on me. The thing is, whenever we have a slight disagreement he treats me with such contempt and tends to give me the silent treatment that I end up getting all worked up and saying unpleasant things to him that I usually later regret.

Over the last 12 months lots of things have happened ie
He told me on xmas day last year that he didnt love me anymore. I spent the whole of xmas day putting on a brave face infront of family then a few days later he said he didnt mean it.
He has no enthusiasm when booking holidays , organising days out etc and leaves it all up to me, saying that he doesnt mind either way. When I organise something and it ends up being not that good he then blames me and says he would have chosen xxxx. When I ask him why didnt he say this before I booked he just says nothing.
He doesnt like social events such as weddings, christenings etc, and always manages to fall out with me beforehand. I end up trying my best to make friends with him because I dont want other people to see us and its so obvious that we arent speaking.
When I organise parties for the kids he doesnt help out but does tend to hang around. When I ask him to help he huffs & puffs. If I complain that he's unwilling to help then he says that I shouldnt have organised it if I didnt want to do the work and it wasnt his idea.
He's so nice in front of other people.
He's even told some of our mutual friends that we havent been getting on well lately.
Earlier this year I found some texts to his single friend arranging a night out in another town where "no-one would know us". I confronted him and he got really upset and swears on the childrens life that he would never have done anything. He said he was angry at the time after an argument. I will never know.

The children love him, he has no problem showing them love and affection. Last night it all came to a head again and I got so upset I was sobbing. I couldnt get my breath and I think I may have had a panic attack (not sure, never had one before). I went outside and sat down trying to get my breath. DH said nothing.

I dont want to talk to my family and friends about it. I keep thinking that if I talk to them and we manage to work things out then they will never be the same with him again. I'm not perfect, I do start arguments, he says I am sarcastic, I admit I am but I think I do it when he is hostile towards me because I am so upset inside.

Sorry this is so long, need to get it off my chest.

It does make sense. Just because he's unfaithful it doesn't mean it suits him to leave right now, or give up on improving a joint asset like the house. When I asked you whether you could rule it out, what I mean is have you looked for evidence? I'm sure he's wary about his phone after you found that text, so search for a second one somewhere he thinks you'd be unlikely to look. If he's got a phone contract, check his bills. Look at internet history. This might not be an affair with one person, but several meetings with strangers, so think laterally. This applies equally to the opportunities you think he doesn't have - and the unsuitability of the OW candidates, but this might be dating site stuff and in particular, ones for no-strings encounters.

you can't ignore those texts. that's just not right. i am not stirring, or trying to sensationalise them op.

he's got things going on and his view is skewered. he's setting you up to conceal guilty behaviours.

Try speaking to your GP about counselling: NHS counselling is a bit like hen's teeth, but I know a couple of (small) charities near here which will offer counselling on a "pay what you can" basis, and your GP should be able to point you to any similar services in your area.

You don't have to tell him if you don't want to, and don't if you think he might use it against you.

im sat here in tears.i dont know what to think. I know if I read my post then I would probably think affair aswell. I dont know why I dont think its true, despite the text, i just dont. I hope its not. I just want all this to stop. He's due home soon. I just want everything to be ok.

Op please don't cry. It is something you really need to consider, really do think it's all so suss.

He pipes up and tells you 12 months ago, he no longer loves you. His actions since then back that up. He treats you like dirt, ignores you, doesn't interact as a family or as a husband. He is withdrawing from you.

It could just be he has fallen out of love with you and he's a nasty coward. It could however not be a total coincidence, after this declaration and the detachment from you started, you happened across these texts.

I think you need to dig deeper. It's not just going to stop. If he was having an affair, how would that be worse than how he is treating you now? You deserve better, you can't fix him wagon. Especially if it's because his mind is elsewhere.

But love, if it's what a few of us think, that's just part of the problem isn't it? He's horrible to you and ruined last Christmas by saying he didn't love you. He's told friends that you're having problems, does everything he can to disrupt your social life either singularly or together, gets angry with you or gives you the silent treatment. There was only one inference from that text you saw. How disrespectful does he have to be, telling a single friend that he will join him on the pull?

This sounds like a man who has always been a bit cruel, but has gone into overdrive because of his secrets. Even previously nice, kind people can become nasty to their partners when they are unfaithful. They have to, in order to justify what they are doing or to switch off any positive feelings that might get in the way. As a general rule though, the nastier someone becomes when they are playing away, the nastier they were to start with.

It won't stop until you tell him it's over and that you will no longer put up with it.

He may or may not be having an affair but imo that isn't the point, is a red herring to the central issue - the way he treats you, the setting up/punishing is toxic, He is controlling you, making you ill. The pain that comes through your posts is palpable - he is causing that. You can get counselling cheap through womens orgs (a friend paid £5ph for 3 years). Private counsellors also offer fees on a sliding scale, though you need to ask. I wouldn't bother with GP referral as 1. hens teeth 2. too short (they only offer 6 sessions). 6 sessions may be enough to be going on with but you need the option of continuing if you need to, and you won't be able to with a GP counsellor. Don'[t tell him yo're seeing a counsellor.

Have a look at the womens aid website, also look at The Freedom Programme - either online or join a group (lots of groups nationwide). Some of the stories you'll hear are extreme but don't be fooled into thinking things aren't too bad for you, as they certainly are - that is apparent from the few things you've outlined on here. Look at the emotional abuse thread and read as much literature as you can.

It sound to me like classic "fallen out of love but can't pluck up to courage to do anything about it, so I'll behave like an arse so she'll leave me" behaviour.

It may or may not involve an affair, but I think that's a red herring - blaming the whole situation on an affair, real or not, detracts from the real issue - that for some reason he's forgotten why he fell in love with you and has detached from the relationship. It may or may not be possible to get rebuild things, but you need to get to the bottom of it. It has to be brought into the open and discussed. He has to be honest with you.

Do feel free to join us on the Emotional Abuse thread, because that is what it is. Whether he's doing it because he has transferred his affections elsewhere, because he despises women, because he is insecure and thinks he needs to keep you in your place, or whatever else may be going on in his tiny mind, the behaviour is wrong. Unfortunately it's not terribly likely that he will see and accept this himself - and even less likely that he will change it.

First off you need to disengage from the behaviour cycle. If he wants to go all grumpy in his cave, let him do it. I suspect he gets off on you begging and cajoling, but if he's got a problem with something, it is his problem. Obviously as a conscientious homemaker you want to make everything all right for your family, but you can't if one member is determined to be displeased. So stop wasting energy and let him get over it, or not, as he pleases; it's not really anything you've done wrong.

It's a dangerous game he's playing, because one day you might suddenly realise you no longer love nor respect the miserable git. He'll try the "don't love you any more" line, and you'll say Great! Do you want to petition the court or shall I? Then of course he would only have been joking. You are the love of his life etc, and please, please keep on ironing his underpants (with or without quite credible tears in his eyes). But it will be too late.

Projecting from my own experience? Much? Maybe. I could still be right though.

He is beyond passive aggressive, he obviously gets a kick out of being cruel, and uses it as a powertrip. The thing to do is to let him humilate himself, do not cover for him. If he tells you he does not love you on Christmas day, then do not hide from people you are upset, tell them why you are upset in front of him. It sounds like you help to maintain his nice guy image.
Second, do not crawl to him, or let his behaviour bother you. If he ignores you ignore this. He wants a reaction do not give him one.
Most importantly seek help from a counsellor, and think about leaving him. It is nto fair on you or your children to stay in a bullying environment like this.

Oh, and if he tries to ruine event sbefore hand, go without him. Ask him if he is coming or not, and then go whatever he is doing. If he sulks there ignore him.

No. Absolutely not! None of this! He can't sort out his own appointments? Can't shop online? Now, I meet serious luddites all the time (work in web design) but most of the time it is an excuse to not bloody do things and to make yourself feel superior so you don't have to deal with your own fucking uselessness.

DH used to sulk and give me the silent treatment and I would just follow him around talking about my feelings until he had no choice but to hash it out with me. He does not get to make me feel like shit and then walk away from discussing it like a rational adult which is what he's supposed to be. Honestly, every time he whinges at you to do things for him, draw up a list of all the things he asks you to sort for him with brief instructions as to how to do them and leave them on his pillow. He is a grown ass man. If he can't sort these things himself, well tough shit. He'll have to go without.

I think going to counseling to talk through your anger and hurt over him is an excellent first step. Having another person with whom you can go over talking points before a confrontation is so helpful. It also helps one stay calm during the actual confrontation if you have some sort of plan for what you will say.

I just want all this to stop. He's due home soon. I just want everything to be ok

Look op everthing's clearly not ok. You can't bury your head in the sand. He's already made two statements, first that he doesn't love you, second, that he's only with you for the children. For whatever reason, you didn't really take him up on that and have carried on as if things were normal... which they're absolutely not.

Whether he's having an affair is not the main issue - effectively he's withdrawn no matter what. So you need to decide now how things are going to be. Stay strong in front of him and don't cry: your crying does not move him in any way and in fact, he just despises you for it. You're much better off staying strong and focussed (in front of him anyway) and telling him that you're not willing for the two of you to stay together under these circs and what does he propose to do. It's his problem, he's the one who's telling you he doesn't love you. Don't take crap from him.

Also, tell your friends and family what's going. You need support from them and they will support you once they know the full story.

If he has started behaving in this way last year (or a few months before that), then it is likely he is having an affair - do some more digging to find evidence. He could be taking time off work without your knowledge to see OW.

However if he has always been like this, then it will be much harder to resolve things

I agree that you cannot put up with this miserable situation for much longer and I personally think relate will be a waste of time (unless he was having an affair and really wants to repair the marriage).

To answer your question. Is it passive aggressive? Yes it is.
Leaving you sorting everything out and then getting angry if it doesn't work out well. Or the silent treatment.
Can it be changed? Only if he wants to and iof you change your own behaviour.

Because he isn't going to change if you always try to make things right, if you do everything for him (like he can't order things from Amazon ?!?), organize the hols etc etc...
You need to start to stand on your own 2 feet and stop relying on him to feel good ie he is nice to you, you are happy. He is getting grumpy, everything fall apart and you are miserable.

Go and see a counsellor, carry on doing your voluntary work.
Don't engage with him when he is getting angry and pushing you into a corner. If he has an issue with you going out when he isn't (because that's what the issue with the delivery note is), forget about it. Just tell him 'Just right now, the most important is for me to get ready. We will talk about it later'. You are allowed to go out and have fun wo him. You are allowed to have a nice christmas and so on.
Don't make things better. What if other people see that you are not on speaking terms. Is that an issue? What does it says about you, about him? Not a lot apart from the fact he is giving you the silence treatment (btw, he is likely not to do that when you are in public anyway).
And next time that he is saying 'he doesn't love you' take his word for it. Because it is likely that there is a big part of truth in there (buit he doesn't want to face that reality)

BTW, my H has had very similar behaviour than yours and there is no OW. I know that for sure but he hasn't been happy to be a dad and has ressented being in a family with all the constraints that go with it (dcs are his!).
So, as he told me, 'it was easier to think about himself first than to think about anybodyelse'.

Either way, OW or not, whatever the reason for his behaviour, you do not have to put up with it.

My exH wanted to redo the kitchen but I said no way. Turned out that he had an eye to the sale value of the family home and not how nice a new kitchen would be for me. Either that or he thought suggesting the kitchen work would create a nice impression that he was the family man everyone thought he was. Plus, I would have been up to my tonsils in mess and disruption if the work had gone ahead, so much so that I might not have noticed what he was up to. At the time he was suggesting it, he was flirting online with dozens of men and women on hookup sites, unbeknownst to me.

OP, your H is playing away. He has managed to find someone on the internet or at some casual event, or even something work related.

He is also a manipulative and controlling man who doesn't like you. You can't win for losing here. It is called crazymaking. He is getting more out of this dynamic than he thinks he would get from contributing to a positive relationship. Right now the relationship consists of him bullying and you being bullied and treated as if you were inaudible and invisible.

Talk to people in RL and stop covering for him. It is his behaviour that is out of line and it is no reflection on you. The strain of plastering on that brave smile will kill you.

Kelly2000, you hit the nail on the head.

I don't think he's having an affair, I do think he's a cunt though! He sounds like he's always been a cunt. You don't need him OP, he's only going to make you feel worse and worse and drag you down. I don't think you have any choice but to leave/chuck him out. His behaviour is going to affect your dcs, he's immature, cruel and disfunctional and he won't change.

I also agree with . . .

kelly2000 He is beyond passive aggressive, he obviously gets a kick out of being cruel, and uses it as a powertrip. The thing to do is to let him humilate himself, do not cover for him. If he tells you he does not love you on Christmas day, then do not hide from people you are upset, tell them why you are upset in front of him. It sounds like you help to maintain his nice guy image. Second, do not crawl to him, or let his behaviour bother you. If he ignores you ignore this. He wants a reaction do not give him one. Most importantly seek help from a counsellor, and think about leaving him. It is nto fair on you or your children to stay in a bullying environment like this.