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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EX-husband demanding my new partner's contact details

38 replies

Fabnewme2011 · 11/12/2011 21:47

I left my abusive husband after 17 years of marriage. After 3 more years our divorce has been finalised. However, I met someone else about 18 months ago as did my ex. They are planning to get married early next year.

He gave his new partner my home phone and mobile numbers (without my knowledge or permission). She called my landline and left a message to say that she wasn't happy with the way that the divorce was going and would I call her to discuss it (!). Needless to say I didn't call her as it was and still is none of her business.

About a month later she sent me abusive texts about my parenting skills.

When my ex found out that I'd met someone, he told me that it was his right to have full contact details and he also demanded that we did a full check on him (like we do when someone works with kids).

I've refused to give him my partner's details. Even during mediation the solicitor agreed that legally it is the parent's responsibility to make sure that our child is safe.

I'm standing my ground, but he's used to getting his own way, so he's emailing me a few times a day asking for the contact details.

He's a nasty piece of work and has contacted the council and HMRC telling them lies about me. This meant that my tax credits, child benefit etc etc were stopped for 6 months whilst his allegations were investigated. Eventually I was given the back payments, but it meant that I ended up with a lot of debts.

Am I being obstinate by not giving him my partner's personal contact details??

Ty

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 11/12/2011 21:48

No. Stand your ground. He has no need to contact your partner.

QueenOfFlamingEverything · 11/12/2011 21:49

No! He has no bloody right to have the details and is only doing this as a way to continue controlling you.

Original poster
Fabnewme2011 · 11/12/2011 21:50

Thanks BertieBotts & QueenOfFlamingEverything. :0) Nice to have confirmation that I'm not being unreasonable. x

OP posts:
CMOTdibbler · 11/12/2011 21:52

YANBU - he has no right to any information like that ! He's just trying to control you

Scorps · 11/12/2011 21:52

He has no need for the contact details. Don't give them to him.

My solicitor suggested to me that ExH only needs my home telephone number, though I have requested all contact to be written (email), just incase it's needed. Ignore his emails.

Dee03 · 11/12/2011 21:52

No way would I give him your partners details...... It would be different if you all got on and him and his partner werent so demanding and controlling.
How horrible for you to be dealing with all this.... Some men are such twats!!!!
Keep strong and don't give in

GypsyMoth · 11/12/2011 21:53

Tell em both to do one!!

Scorps · 11/12/2011 21:53

Keep the emails - you can always take them to your solicitor and get him a letter written about contact between the pair of you.

It has helped me immensely to have strict criteria set out - it stops him controlling me through a phone, basically!

HedleyLamarr · 11/12/2011 21:54

What Bertie and Queen say. Absolutely do not give in. Don't even bother replying to his messages. Just keep them saved.

Owlelf · 11/12/2011 22:02

It is none of his business. You should not be under any pressure to give your partners details, especially given his history of making trouble.

I am really sorry to hear that your ex is still managing to get to you. He is probably beside himself that he cannot get his own way.

Every parent finds it difficult when their ex finds a new partner- regardless of how 'over' the ex partner they are, it's heart breaking to know that ones own DC have a 'step parent' on the scene. It is fairly natural to want to know a little about this step parent, but it is not something that one has any right to do. Dealing with this is a part of breaking up and moving on and your ex is going to have to come to terms with it.

Don't give in. I think if you give an inch he and his new partner will take a mile.

Huge congratulations on having the strength to leave him. Keep going, be strong, you know you are absolutely in the right.

Original poster
Fabnewme2011 · 11/12/2011 22:08

OMG! He's just emailed me to say, "I will be also be pursuing your current boyfriends details under Sarahs Law". :(

Can he do this?

OP posts:
Owlelf · 11/12/2011 22:11

No he is bullying you. Keep the email, keep them all. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Scorps · 11/12/2011 22:12

Sarah's Law isn't rolled out everywhere - and anyway, the police would only check your partners history for sexual offences - not hand out his contact details.

Ignore your Ex. He is trying to control you.

LePruneDeMaTante · 11/12/2011 22:13

Wow, congratulations on divorcing him - he sounds quite bonkers.

fergoose · 11/12/2011 22:13

I agree with everyone else - keep refusing, he is nothing but a bully

could you change your email address, or use a programme like Mailwasher to bounce them back to him

Scorps · 11/12/2011 22:15

The most the police would tell him, if he even raises it, is any violent or sexual offences that your partner has committed - nothing else. No contact details.

Owlelf · 11/12/2011 22:19

Have just had a very quick look at the Sarah's law website. Its all new to me. It does state that only sexual offences or other very worrying behaviour eg history of DV is looked into. It also says that info would only be divulged to someone directly responsible for a child eg the mother but not the grandparents. Also anyone who receives info from the police and divulges anything is liable to prosecution.

So I guess in theory he could ask for some info if it has been rolled out in your area?

What a prat your ex sounds. Please don't let him know that he is getting to you.

You could maybe contact the Sarah's law site for advice. Or just ignore him......

Scorps · 11/12/2011 22:22

IF he even asks (is using the threat to get her to spill contact details, I'll bet), and then IF your DP has even committed such an offence - then yes, they can tell him that information.

But, assuming your DP is not hiding anything like this, ignore ignore ignore

He will make more 'threats', because he is used to getting his own way all the live long day

Ignore. He will seeth Grin

Original poster
Fabnewme2011 · 11/12/2011 22:29

Thanks to all for your support. I've sent the whole thread (17 emails) to my solicitor. She was planning to write to his solicitor anyway to tell him to calm down, but in that lovely polite way that she does whilst telling him to "awa an bile yer heid"

[http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bile%20yer%20heid]

Wink
OP posts:
KittyAnne · 11/12/2011 22:33

What Scorps said

springydaffs · 11/12/2011 22:36

"awa an bile yer heid"

Grin

This is harassment (also from his current partner - poor cow, she's next to be spit-roasted - clearly it's working and he's got her where he wants her). I@m glad your solicitor has all the details, she'll know how to step it up if the need arises.

newrose · 12/12/2011 14:54

What a clown - and well done on getting out / on with your life!

What did the police check have to say about his new partner? After all, women can be abusers too and I'm guessing since he's so concerned about the welfare of your child he must surely have had this done for his current partner. No?

kelly2000 · 12/12/2011 14:59

Fanbe,
Sarah's law has only be piloted in a few areas, and it is a database of convicted paedophiles in the areas it has been piloted in. so unless your current partner is a paedophile in an area where sarah's law has been piloted then he cannot get his contact details. Even if your partner was on this database it does not give out contact details.

I would insist on only contact through solicitors. Send him one reply stating that to his next email, then stop replying.

See if you can set up a folder just for his and his partner's emails, so they go straight there when you receive them. hotmail let you do this using the sweep function. This way you have the emails as evidence, but you do nto have to look at them until you feel ready.

Then get a new mobile number and do not give it to him, and get a caller id box fitted to your landline so you know who it is when you answer. The suzy lamplugh trust have some sort of device that lets you record all calls etc.
Does he have visitation rights, pay maintainence etc?

Also does anyone else find his use of the phrase "current boyfriend" instead of partner or boyfriend, rather telling. It sound sliek he just wants to undermine the OP at every opportunity.

Loobyloo1902 · 12/12/2011 19:33

What LePrune says, indeed I shall endeavour to work the word bonkers into a few conversations tomorrow, thank you for making me chuckle.

Oh and yes, agree, he's nuts, don't bait him with replies, it'll not doubt prolong an unnecessary conversation.

Does he make you feel anxious?

clam · 12/12/2011 21:13

kelly yes, I was about to post about that. It's dismissing the OP's partner as someone transitory, implying that she's parading a succession of "uncles" past the children.