EX-husband demanding my new partner's contact details

[Fabnewme2011]

I left my abusive husband after 17 years of marriage. After 3 more years our divorce has been finalised. However, I met someone else about 18 months ago as did my ex. They are planning to get married early next year.

He gave his new partner my home phone and mobile numbers (without my knowledge or permission). She called my landline and left a message to say that she wasn't happy with the way that the divorce was going and would I call her to discuss it (!). Needless to say I didn't call her as it was and still is none of her business.

About a month later she sent me abusive texts about my parenting skills.

When my ex found out that I'd met someone, he told me that it was his right to have full contact details and he also demanded that we did a full check on him (like we do when someone works with kids).

I've refused to give him my partner's details. Even during mediation the solicitor agreed that legally it is the parent's responsibility to make sure that our child is safe.

I'm standing my ground, but he's used to getting his own way, so he's emailing me a few times a day asking for the contact details.

He's a nasty piece of work and has contacted the council and HMRC telling them lies about me. This meant that my tax credits, child benefit etc etc were stopped for 6 months whilst his allegations were investigated. Eventually I was given the back payments, but it meant that I ended up with a lot of debts.

Am I being obstinate by not giving him my partner's personal contact details??

Ty

His new partner is a Police Inspector so he says she's had full checks as part of her job.

What worries me is that she'll have access to any checks that are run and could pass on information to my ex.

We share custody of our son. But he doesn't pay a single penny. I get all the school notices sent over from him for school trips etc etc so end up paying for them otherwise my son will miss out. GRRR

Loobyloo1902 - yes, I'm afraid to admit that he does still make me anxious. Just because he's such a nasty piece of work, that he bullies our son now.

Wow you're well out of THAT relationship OP!

FWIW if the new GF runs any checks on you or your BF at work it will require her to log in her police ID number & she is only allowed to do this if she can genuinely prove her need to do so.

What a nasty pair they are-well suited I think.

she's not allowed to use her position to access personal information, is she? the bloke in Leeds who killed his family this week was fired from the police for misconduct because he abused his position to look up stuff about his wife's BF, iirc

you might like to point that out to your horrible ex, Fab. If she looks anything up, she'll be out

sorry, not the Leeds one, the Melton Mowbray one

He's still trying to control you...

Ponders is right about the Melton Mowbray one. That is exactly why he lost his job. He thought his DW was having an affair and looked up the "other man" using his police ID etc. It was handled very badly but the upshot was the same.

Sounds like 2 abusive people have found each other, should be interesting to see what happens.

Would it stir things to much to speak to her boss about your concerns?

Good point tall

If he emailed you that this is what she would do then you could legitimately forward it to her boss. Or better still the boss of the police in the next county, incase it get "lost".

It's very hard to simply live your own life in situations like this, especially when you have to have some contact due to the children, but the absolute best thing to do it is to live your own life as if he didn't exist.
Don't engage with him.
Don't reply to anything unless it is vitally important.
Any emails regarding DS can , if you want to respond, be answered with the same line every time...please direct this to my solicitor.
Never respond to calls, texts or letters from him or his partner.
My mum gave me this advice years ago. She tried to point out time and time again that my XH was only interested in having a relationship with me, any relationship. As he couldn't have what he wanted he just kept pushing buttons to get a response so that we were still involved this is exactly what your ex is doing.
From my point of view it was scary,anxiety inducing, painful interruptions into my life. I guess from his point of view it was the same kind of games he'd 'played' throughout our relationship. I took my mum's advice eventually and wish I'd listened to her in the first place instead of spending a further 3 years being stuck in a relationship with him during our divorce and even in the first year of his subsequent remarriage.

This is just harassment and I would pass it over to the police and your solicitor. Don't engage at all.

You say you share custody. Does that mean you have a 50:50 shared care arrangement? If not I would refer him to the CSA.

DO NOT approach his partner's new boss. Then you would be harassing. I would minimise all verbal contact and get everything by text and e-mail as evidence. A non-molestation order sounds appropriate.

Yes pass it over to your solicitor AND the poice, making sure they have a copy of the email threatening to use the GF's work contacts, that's evidence that she is threatening to abuse her position.
(probably isn't if she has any sense but thinks the threat will worry you)

However if you make sure his AND her name and position are detailed with all the documentation sent to the police she would probably get "words of advice" & her card will be marked without you having to officially complain about her.

Good luck - stay strong you are doing great.

It's all gone silent since last weekend when I forwarded his last batch of emails to my solicitor. I'm hoping his solicitor will tell him to stop being silly, coz he's not going to get anywhere.

Cowboysgal it's like you've lived my life! Thanks, I'll ignore him apart from important stuff to do with DS.

Good-oh long may the silence continue!

Have a great Christmas & hopefully a peaceful NY