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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

asking someone I don't know out - do it myself or get help from someone else...?

35 replies

msshapelybottom · 10/12/2011 09:51

Ok, I know this is daft and immature, but I'm really no good at this lark -

There is a guy I really like who works in a very part time capacity in a shop locally. I see him maybe once a week and I think he might be attracted to me, but he could also just be being polite.

I saw him yesterday and couldn't make myself just ask him out. Bottled it, my mouth went dry and I could manage a smile & hello but that was it - I came back a couple of hours later to ask him and he was gone.

I have a neighbour whose friend works in the same place (it's a large organisation) and she might know him...do I ask her about him, or do I just be patient and do it myself?

I have no idea when I'll next see him and the suspense is driving me insane!

Thanks for reading. If anyone has some balls to spare, feel free to send them my way please Grin

OP posts:
LEttletownofBOFlehem · 10/12/2011 09:52

She could find out discreetly if he's straight and single, but God, don't let her say "my mate fancies you"- the shame!

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 10/12/2011 09:59

discreet, yes I like the sound of that. Last time I tried to rush things along with a potential fancyman, it went tits up...hmm.

Would be easier to just buy cats I think!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/12/2011 10:47

Have you not thought about getting to know him in some way? You might not even like him once you get to know him. You've just seen him, fancy him and think you can go from there to going out with him? I wouldn't want that if I were him.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 10/12/2011 11:45

Not a bad idea to ask your friend to check if the man is available, as long as the friend can be trusted not to say 'Because my mate fancies you hee hee hee.'

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 10/12/2011 12:17

ImperialBlether, that was kind of the point of asking him out for a coffee or something, to spend some time chatting and getting to know him...or is that not how it works these days? Wasn't planning to ask him to marry me Grin

SGVB, think I'll give the friend thing a miss, maybe I can figure this one out without any extra help! Cringe at the thought of her doing the "my mate fancies you" thing, I hadn't thought of it like that.

OP posts:
tigermoll · 10/12/2011 12:22

Argh.....nerve-wracking though it is, it is always best to do the grown up thing, and just ask someone out.

And remember: it is not shameful to find someone attractive, - yet for some reason we all feel embarrassed about someone knowing that we like them. Think of it this way: have you ever thought less of anyone for finding you attractive?

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 10/12/2011 12:33

Tigermill, thanks, you are right, it's the fear of rejection! And no, I've never thought anything less of someone who's been attracted to me, surprised yes, but never negative!!

OP posts:
tigermoll · 10/12/2011 13:09

I think there are two ways to (mentally) approach the asking-out of someone:

  1. This is a risky endeavour, which carries with it the possibility of rejection and humiliation. Still I must grit my teeth and get through it for the potential reward at the end.

or

  1. I will approach this endeavour with the lighthearted devil-may-care dashing charm of say, Lord Flashheart or Shrek's Puss in Boots. I see someone I like, and I ask them out. Grrrrowl......
Catsmamma · 10/12/2011 13:12

Can you pass him a note, on a page from a jotter, make all your full stops and i dots teeny tiny hearts??

;)

Be brave....and good luck!

MotherPanda · 10/12/2011 13:15

What kind of shop is it?

birdsofshoreandsea · 10/12/2011 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maras2 · 10/12/2011 13:28

Leetletown.My best friend did this for me in 1968,telling the guy that 'my mate fancies you'. He took the not too subtle hint and we've been married for 37 years.Thanks Maras' best friend.Sorry for the hijack Msshapely and good luck in your love quest. Mx.

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 10/12/2011 13:38

giggling here at the thought of writing him a note Grin

I would honestly not be worried if he said no, and it would be fine to keep seeing him (he works in a large supermarket) so it's not that - I need to adopt the devil may care attitude but now that I've imagined him naked in my head it's a bit tricky!!

No way to engineer a situation to get to know him better without asking him out for a coffee...will just have to be brave.

Thanks all for the replies, I shall endevour to become breezy confident woman overnight.

OP posts:
Original poster
msshapelybottom · 10/12/2011 13:38

ps Maras2 - lovely story :)

OP posts:
Original poster
msshapelybottom · 10/12/2011 13:39

actually...I am a breezy confident woman. I can do this!

OP posts:
chubbasmum · 10/12/2011 13:47

i would probaby go with the note idea some else suggested because a few years ago i fancied a guy and my friend kindly offered to go and break the ice for me two days later she told me she was working on it weeks later i went to see my mate for coffee as you do unannounced and whom should i see have naked in her kitchen the guy i fancied :( they ended up getting married and moved away

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 10/12/2011 13:52

Chubbasmum, that's awful...that must have been hard.

I'm not going to do a note or the friend thing. I'm going to have to be brave. If I spotted him in a friend's kitchen naked, at least I'd know he wasn't into me!

OP posts:
chubbasmum · 10/12/2011 14:48

it was awful and i felt sick to the stomach and the friendship just went down hill from there.

If its meant to be it will be thats what people keep telling me good luck because i know how hard it is when you fancy someone and just dont know what do do :(

MotherPanda · 10/12/2011 15:04

aha a supermarket! Excellent news - you can ask him to show you where something is... wine and condoms maybe...

And it can all take of from there.

MotherPanda · 10/12/2011 15:05

chubbasmum - that is awful!

ImperialBlether · 10/12/2011 18:39

I really, really think you shouldn't just ask him out. That would be awful to do and awful for him, too, I think. Why not just ask him where something is - he'll have to take you to find it - make idle chit chat as you're going there. Next time you see him, just smile and if he smiles back, say hello. See where it goes from there.

HMTheQueen · 10/12/2011 19:08

DON'T get your friend to mention you - even in passing. This happened to me recently at work - girls in the office mentioned him, and then mentioned again and then they did the whole 'He wants to ask you out - shall we all go out for a drink together?'

My idea of hell. It made me want to go out with him even less, as I was essentially letting 4 (yes this was an organisation-wide date!) people in the chain down as well!

If he'd just seen me and asked me out, I probably would have gone for a drink with him, but now I keep thinking of him as a 15 year old with all his mates hanging around!

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 10/12/2011 19:23

He is a merchandiser for a particular area of the store so I'm limited on how much I can ask him without getting stalkery. Thanks for the chuckle at asking for condoms...Grin

Imperial, I'm curious as to why I shouldn't ask him out? Why do you think it would be so awful? We've been smiling and making idle chit chat (ok, I'm embellishing a bit here, does "hi, how are you?" count as chit chat?) for 2 weeks now, it could go on for months...nah, too twee for me this whole softly softly approach! Thank you though :)

HM, you've cemented in my mind why I shouldn't get any 3rd party involvement...I have to do this on my own...!

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 10/12/2011 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ImperialBlether · 10/12/2011 22:39

I think you shouldn't ask him because you're starting on a footing where you're keener than he is. I don't think that bodes well. If he's interested, he'll suggest something. If he's not, he won't.

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