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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being stupid?

38 replies

Lauracassius · 09/12/2011 15:00

I have just had a new baby 6 weeks ago and have a toddler who is 26 months. His sleep has never been good and I have always gone in and stayed with him till he fell asleep. This obviously had to change because of newborn so my partner has had to put him back to sleep most of the time.
Realise I am going on, basically the toddler seems to wake at 5 almost every morning crying and wanting to get up ( OH gets up at 6 anyway). We are all tired and worn out.

I always said I wouldn't smack my toddler however when he was crying this morning I said I would get up and Oh is telling him to go away and calling him a bratt, toddler gets distressed and bangs on the door so oh got out of bed and smacked him on the bottom, I just felt so angry i smacked oh on the arm ( I am not strong and it was hardly anything) he then hit me quite hard on the back which led to me and toddler crying on his bedroom floor.

Do you think this is bad?? He was drunk last night which is why i think he was angrier than usual. He smokes a lot of weed and drinks every day. He also lies about times he finishes work,etc as I have caught him out a few times. He takes coke and never gives enough money for his half the bills, rent, etc that my savings have gone and I have debt on credit card.

Saying all this out loud makes me think how stupid I am but I am just waiting for him to change.

OP posts:

worldgonecrazy · 09/12/2011 15:12

I would really love to believe that this post is made up but I suspect it isn't. Kick him out. If he's not paying his way you will be better off without him. He will leech you dry and before you know it, you'll have children who think that his behaviour is normal and therefore grow up behaving that way, and you will look in the mirror and wonder what happened to your hopes and dreams.

Flisspaps · 09/12/2011 15:12

Do I think it is bad?

Yes, yes I do. He's not going to change, and the safety of both you and your children is at risk :(

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 15:13

Oh OP, what ever he coninues to morph into, and he will, is not going to be better it's going to be worse. You know that though don't you.

You also know what we are all going to say.

What are your living arrangements? Who's name is on the deeds/rent book?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2011 15:17

Why are you with someone like your OH in the first place?. What do you get from this relationship?. He calls DS whose just over 2 years of age a brat?. You'd be better off without this person dragging you down with him because that is all that he is doing now.

HecklerNotKoch · 09/12/2011 15:18

strangely, shouting at kids rarely calms them down or makes them less upset

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 09/12/2011 15:34

Your OH hit your tiny two year old and then hit you? Get rid. Fast.

NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 09/12/2011 15:39

Yes, you are being stupid. Sorry, but there is no point in sugar coating it.

snuffaluffagus · 09/12/2011 15:45

This isn't good and you know it..

TinselMakesSantaBonkers · 09/12/2011 15:57

Imho, you are not stupid, you are operating under extreme fatigue (which makes us do stupid things, but we're not stupid, iyswim). Slow down and think. Do not turn off the little voice in the back of our heads that is telling us that something we are about to do is wrong...focus on those gut feelings now more than ever.

Consider making the kids' room a "bunk room" (not saying bunk beds!) with room for you. If the kids sleep well, you'll get some sleep too. I am in favor of 'attachment' parenting, I understand that some folks are not, so ok.

Don't worry about OH's sleeping arrangements...you don't really want another child with this man anyway do you? I wouldn't risk it...it sounds like drink/drugs are his best friend, not you (sorry ). Maybe he will take the next step and leave you...here's hoping. But that won't happen as long as you are giving him a free ride with no accountability/responsibility to be an adult.

Hassledge · 09/12/2011 16:00

You already know the answer, don't you? It's shit and I'm sorry, but you know what you have to do.

Do you rent? Whose name is the house/flat in? Is there somewhere you could go? Somewhere he could go?

Original poster

Lauracassius · 10/12/2011 06:57

Thank you for all the replies, he came home when I was in bed last night and left this morning just saying bye but i didn't respond.
The flat is in my name but he wouldn't have anywhere to go so I can't really ask him to leave.

I don't live near any family or friends so not sure if I can cope on my own though I obviously know living like that is worse.

I am going to set out a few rules tonight (if I am not in bed before he gets home from work) or tomorrow and if he doesn't agree to them then that is it. I have let this go on too long.

OP posts:

lifechanger · 10/12/2011 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Barreal · 10/12/2011 08:33

I can't believe what people will put up with.
Are these his children, too?

ecclesvet · 10/12/2011 09:05

So you hit OH and he hit you back? Because he had done what many parents do, i.e. smack a misbehaving child? I don't think you're blameless here.

Tinselrella · 10/12/2011 09:13

You most definitely can ask him to leave. He hit your small child and then he hit you. Either one of those things alone is good enough reason to pack his bags and dump them on the street.

I promise you, you can do this alone. Having a new born baby and a toddler by yourself is tough, but not as tough as having them and living in fear of a man hitting you all.

ecclesvet, the man hit her hard in the back - quite different to a weak slap on the arm.

ecclesvet · 10/12/2011 09:20

I don't buy the 'I'm only weak, it couldn't have hurt' excuse - because hitting your partner is fine as long as you feel that the violence is at a level they should tolerate?!

All this 'he hit your child and then hit you' talk is misrepresenting it - he smacked his child, and hit you back.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 10/12/2011 09:36

Give it a rest ecclesvet. The OP's OH was disproportionate in his behaviour both to his child and the OP. And if you would hit a 2yr old for crying shame on you.

OP you know this is wrong. Women's Aid is your friend. Make plans to leave.

Tinselrella · 10/12/2011 09:43

ecclesvet - the OP's OH behaved disproportionately to a 2 year old's crying. Wtf would smack a 2 year old for crying? He then behaved disproportionately to the OP's smack on the arm (according to the OP, and we only have her word to go on, it was 'hardly anything') by hitting her hard in the back. That is using his physical strength against weaker people. Whether you buy this or not is hardly relevant.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/12/2011 10:02

We haven't even got started on the drug taking, lying and failure to contribute to the bills...

SantasStrapon · 10/12/2011 11:13

So what if he hasn't got anywhere to go. That's his problem, not yours. What's worse, he has a tough time finding somewhere new to live, or your DC grow up with a lying, drug taking cocklodger as a role model?

And you don't smack/hit/whatever a 2 year old. Particularly for crying. What's going to happen when the baby cries and won't shut up?

GypsyMoth · 10/12/2011 11:17

Weed.... This is the problem here, well the main one. It will make him act this way. And worse. Here does he smoke it?

Op... Have you posted about him previously?

GypsyMoth · 10/12/2011 11:18

Where does he smoke it I meant!!

Oh, and are you both ok? Bruised?

Jnice · 10/12/2011 11:23

This is heartbreaking - OP, you and your children are in physical danger, never mind the rest of the issues (financial, drugs etc.).

And you are concerned that oh has nowhere to go?

Yes, you are stupid, I'm sorry - you asked.

Please seek help and kick him out, put yourself and children first and stop protecting your oh, he is a frown man responsible for his own actions.

FabbyChic · 10/12/2011 11:32

Fucking disgusting smacking a child because they want to wake up when you don't.

He is a baby. Get a grip.

Are you ignoring him in favour of the baby if so you make a rod for your own back, he will become a brat if you don't give him enough attention, newborns don't need any other than feeding, changing.

FabbyChic · 10/12/2011 11:33

Sorry get rid of this man.

drugs around children? are you mad

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