Following on from disastrous wedding, we're now separating

[FreckledLeopard]

So, you may remember previous thread re: wedding horror, 'D'H's family and DD and I being stuck on the other side of the world, with DH not speaking to me following major row after his sister presents us with huge bill a couple of days after ceremony for numerous items we'd not requested....DH basically told me my mother should pay (who'd paid for our flights, giving us cash, flown all the way over) and acted like a total arse. Thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1288707-Got-married-a-week-ago-we-are-no-longer-speaking-to-each-other

Anyway, saw counsellor, endeavoured to work through things but to no avail. Final straw that broke the camel's back was over childcare and awful au pair that won't do the job (taken a job elsewhere meaning not there for children in the morning) that he refuses to let go.

Endless fighting or stony silences. He's not really spoken to me for the best part of a week after I emailed him on the subject of finding a new au pair. The situation has made me so depressed I can barely function. Taking anti-depressants, sleeping tablets etc and trying to get through each day.

Anyway, decision now made to separate. H is stating he'll move out when he's ready. I can't move as need to be in the house for DD's school - he has no such issues. Our friends have a 'spare' house for 6 weeks whilst they're away for extended holiday, but he won't go there either. So I may have to decamp to other house with DD, guinea pig and cat.

Am so, so depressed. Can't believe things have come to this point. It all feels surreal. I know DD will be devastated when I tell her. I feel absolutely guilty as hell for putting her in this position - I wanted the happily ever after, the picket fence, the nice family and now DD suffers even more as everything falls apart. I feel like such an idiot and so humiliated.

How do I tell colleagues we're separating when we only got married in August? I know that worrying about what other people think shouldn't consume my thoughts but I feel so stupid. Duped.

Apologies if this thread is rambling - I have splitting headache and just want to rant.

Any pearls of wisdom on how to go forwards from here would be gratefully received.

Oh yes, I remember your story, and so sorry (though not altogether surprised) to hear it was no better when you got home. I agree there is clearly no future in this sham of a marriage. Get a solicitor on his arse as soon as ever possible. It's never too soon to take legal advice, even though it's sometimes too soon to act on it.

As for focussing on what people will think, it's perfectly natural to sweat the small stuff when the big stuff is too overwhelming to dwell on! There's always some idiot who will say all earnestly to you "But don't you love your husband?" or "Surely you can work it through if you both try harder to communicate?" I want a medal for the number of those I didn't poke in the nose. I suggest cultivating a scornful laugh along with the phrase "He turned out to be a complete fuckwit" (or insult of your choice), but not to discuss it in much detail except with people you can absolutely trust to be on your side.

I remember your earlier thread, so sorry :( but as Annie said, not surprised. Annie's advice is excellent. Don't worry about colleagues - tell them when you're ready but just remember you don't have to go into any detail. If you do decamp to the other house, would this put you in a weaker position with regards to your claim on your house? I'd be concerned about that. I agree you need to get legal advice pronto.

While you're waiting for your H to move out, be as kind to yourself as possible, do the bare minimum, keep a low profile, just look after yourself and DD and try do do some simple, fun things with her. (I know it's probably the last thing you want to do, but it may take your mind off everything else). Sorry you're going through such a horrible time.

Freckled PLEASE don't feel guilty about dd, I know you want to give her a "happy ever after" but you wouldn't have that with this man. You deserve much better and tbh fuck what anyone may or may not think- anyone who cares for you will want you to be happy.

I second Annie, a solicitor is the way to go atm.

Stay strong, you got through the hell of being abroad and stuck with his family, you're home now and you will get through this!

I'm so sorry Leopard - I remember your last thread. Please see a solicitor pronto. Two's advice above is good - be kind to yourself, disengage from him as much as possible (i.e. don't cook/clean for him, you've got enough on your plate) and try not to be too hard on yourself.

I remember your other thread Freckled - look, while things will be hard for abit for you and DD, it is going to be so much better for you in the long run not to have this toxic milestone of a "D"H (and his horrible family) hanging around in your lives. Get legal advice, get support from your good friends (who WILL be there for you) and get through it - you will. And you'll have the whole of MN behind you routing for you too.

Awful situation to be in.
But how great that you found out so quickly what an arse he is. You could be posting this having lost 5 years trying up work things out with a man who silks like a give year old.

And the old saying applies - those who like or love you won't care, those who don't don't matter.

Pag - what's the saying? Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

Freckle, I remember your earlier thread too. I didn't even need to open the link to remind myself. I have sometimes wondered what happened to you since then. I am not surprised that it has ended like this. Big hugs to you, as it's such a difficult time for you.

Such excellent advice on here. Absolutely, get a solicitor asap and get advice on what you can do about the house. I would worry about you moving out of the house, even for a short time, as it might make it more difficult to move back.

You have not messed up your daughter's life. Far from it, you actually sound a fantastic mother. She will be fine and you will both come out of this stronger.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. Feel like I'm in a living nightmare right now.

In terms of the house, it's rented, so that in theory makes things somewhat easier though we're both on the tenancy, meaning I can't make him move out and if he wants to be difficult about things then he can.

I just need to get through all this somehow. My friends are being great and my mother is being supportive. Have taken legal advice.

It's just all so hard

Can you get a very assertive friend to come and stay with you for a few days and make life very unpleasant for your soon-to-be ex so he moves out of his own free will? Friend can kick out au pair too.

I stayed with my friend for a few days and her ex could not stand me as I would always stand up to him. He moved out the next day, we had many girl friends over at all times of the day including kids and he soon ran away to our utter amusement. It was extremely effective These men are cowards and they do not like it if that fact is made 'public'. Can you call the landlord and explain what is going on?

Have your marriage annulled, if you can.

Was thinking of getting my mother up and getting au pair out - that could be of help. Don't have anyone that could move in at the moment.

Yes, definitely get your lovely supportive mother in to help out if she can and get the feckless useless Au Pair - as well as H - out.

You need as much support as possible atm. I think asking your Mum (who sounds fabulous BTW) to come up is a very good idea, and definitely need to get the au pair out - you don't need the extra stress. I don't know much about the ins and outs of renting but could you start looking for somewhere to rent yourself (although I do understand moving from your home would be distressing)? Is there any way you could move closer to your Mum?

Freckled you may want your last post deleted cos of name in it?

PS I too remember you without opening old thread, and have wondered how you were doing. Can't add any advice to that already given, but am raising a to you.

Do you want to talk about the work thing? It makes it so much worse if no area of your life (except DD of course) is going well

Oh Freckled, Un-MN (((((hugs))))) - you shouldn't be going through this? Does your manager know anything about what's going on? Could you consider telling him/ her and get people to get off your case a bit?

If you don't have plans for the weekend maybe it would be nice to have a fab time with your dd - sod housework etc, maybe a walk, trip to a Xmas market, bake, snuggle on the sofa watching a dvd and eating chocolate - anything at all, as long as it is positive and enjoyable and away from the negative.

If nobody can stay over, get your mum to stay and invite friends over for tea, lunch, dinner, breakfast, coffee, picnic, kids tea party, are you getting the idea?

Thanks Rudolph - brain is totally not engaged today - have reported post. Work going badly, home going badly. My mother, who if you recall last thread had had a number of mini-strokes (TIAs) over the past few years has now been diagnosed with the beginnings of dementia as a result (though she's fine in terms of day-to-day stuff - just her short term memory is bad but she's independent and fine at the moment).

DD starting secondary next year and I don't know where or if I should stay in London, or relocate to be closer to my mother and try and find a job elsewhere.

I'm just so confused and tired and miserable.

Making marzipan creatures with DD and her friend and staying at friend's house overnight (am friends with the parents, DD friends with their DD) so that should be nice.

i remember your thread.
Why cant you sack the au pair yourself - just tell her to go. its not 100% down to him after all, and see if you can get friends to help out for next week (am assuming she breaks up next Friday?)

Have just drafted written notice for au pair. I can get people to help out. Problem is that he'll tell her to stay and all hell will break loose. And he can make things difficult which I'm sure he will.

Just wanted to say that it will be better for your DD in the long run if you split up now and become happier. Being unhappy and ill treated is not a good role model for your DD.

You are so strong, stronger than you realise, for design with this and not just but a brave face on it.

If she is changing schools anyway then I'd move out of the city, close to your mum and have a proper fresh start. A bit of distance between you and H wouldn't hurt either.

Nettletea is right.

One of the things I discovered about my own relationship when it went through a rocky patch was that, when we argued about kids, money etc, I spent too long trying to bring him onside and failing, rather than occasionally taking matters into my own hands.

Having had au pairs myself in the past (glad those days are over), I know that the nanny/au pair and mum relationship is always far more important to the woman than the man. And difficult, potentially, so the same reason, as you tend to do all of the key communicating, with kids at stake.

So you maybe have an overall issue with assertiveness. being critical is not assertive, often.

Not sure if I'm not assertive enough - guess issue is he refuses to listen and walks away. If I do something unilaterally then that adds to the tension and arguments/silences.

Anyway, guess I've been assertive in saying that I want out of this.