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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Following on from disastrous wedding, we're now separating

35 replies

FreckledLeopard · 09/12/2011 12:28

So, you may remember previous thread re: wedding horror, 'D'H's family and DD and I being stuck on the other side of the world, with DH not speaking to me following major row after his sister presents us with huge bill a couple of days after ceremony for numerous items we'd not requested....DH basically told me my mother should pay (who'd paid for our flights, giving us cash, flown all the way over) and acted like a total arse. Thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1288707-Got-married-a-week-ago-we-are-no-longer-speaking-to-each-other

Anyway, saw counsellor, endeavoured to work through things but to no avail. Final straw that broke the camel's back was over childcare and awful au pair that won't do the job (taken a job elsewhere meaning not there for children in the morning) that he refuses to let go.

Endless fighting or stony silences. He's not really spoken to me for the best part of a week after I emailed him on the subject of finding a new au pair. The situation has made me so depressed I can barely function. Taking anti-depressants, sleeping tablets etc and trying to get through each day.

Anyway, decision now made to separate. H is stating he'll move out when he's ready. I can't move as need to be in the house for DD's school - he has no such issues. Our friends have a 'spare' house for 6 weeks whilst they're away for extended holiday, but he won't go there either. So I may have to decamp to other house with DD, guinea pig and cat.

Am so, so depressed. Can't believe things have come to this point. It all feels surreal. I know DD will be devastated when I tell her. I feel absolutely guilty as hell for putting her in this position - I wanted the happily ever after, the picket fence, the nice family and now DD suffers even more as everything falls apart. I feel like such an idiot and so humiliated.

How do I tell colleagues we're separating when we only got married in August? I know that worrying about what other people think shouldn't consume my thoughts but I feel so stupid. Duped.

Apologies if this thread is rambling - I have splitting headache and just want to rant.

Any pearls of wisdom on how to go forwards from here would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 09/12/2011 22:37

Yes, and you can be more so by refusing to be manipulated by tension/arguments/silence. They are just strategies- we all use them at some time in our lives, and those are his.

ImperialBlether · 09/12/2011 23:04

I wonder why he wants the au pair to stay? Does he think she'd stay if he were the only person living there?

I would tell her there's going to be a divorce and your husband is being very difficult and it would be awkward for her to be in the middle of it. If I were her, I'd run a mile.

toptramp · 09/12/2011 23:06

OMG- he sounds like a nightmare. His family sound like a nightmare. You might be depressed now but you would be a lot worse off if you stayed with this man. Hope you feel better soon and see that life can be great as a single lady. (better than being with a hard-work man).

toptramp · 09/12/2011 23:07

Consider it a lucky escape in the long run and I sincerely hope you feel better soon. Mabe councelling would help.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 10/12/2011 11:22

Thanks all. Spent last night with DD at a friend's place. Honestly don't know how to keep on going. I'm depressed and despairing. Feel like such a failure and look at my friends who have nice marriages and are having babies and are secure and I just wish things were like that.

Gave the au pair notice last night. Told DD. Crying on and off. Everything is so overwhelming.

OP posts:
Onemorning · 10/12/2011 12:03

I opened this thread, Freckle, and I wondered if it was you.

He and his famliy sound like a nightmare and I hope that you're able to sort things out for you and your DD.

Big hugs x

fiventhree · 10/12/2011 13:54

Poor you. But pat yourself on the back, two good steps in one evening!

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 10/12/2011 16:29

It sounds, from this thread and the other, he had absolutely no intentions of making this marriage work and you are better off out of it, hold your head high and make him move out.

HoudiniHissy · 10/12/2011 19:30

I know it's hard freckle, but it's better than the alternative. It will start to get better soon.

Keep going, keep posting. ((((HUGS))))

kelly2000 · 12/12/2011 15:05

If he wants you and DD to move out, why does he want or need the aupair anyway?

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