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Original poster

I need your help to work through this please - had new interest in man but now have stopped contact

29 replies

walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 20:32

Recently I was contacted by an old male friend from university through FB.

He was someone that I liked back then as a mate but it was always platonic as far as I was aware.

Over the last couple of months, we have been chatting online more and more and it's been really good fun. Reminiscing ... and also a lot's happened since then to catch up on. He's witty, funny, interesting.

The tone of his messages started to get slightly flirty - in a very mild way.

It all just seemed to escalate from there. I feel like I have a crush on him. He told me he always fancied me. So there seems to be a big mutual attraction.

BUT ... he started to get quite sexual in his messages. In some ways I liked this, in other ways it all seemed a bit odd - too forward, too much, too soon.

Bear in mind, we haven't physically met up yet.

He continued on this vein, it seems he is often steering the conversation around to sex. I've mentioned that I'm slightly uncomfortable with it and so he backed off and talked about other stuff. But then he always comes back to how much he fancies me, how I turn him on so much.

Then the other night, he starts again and getting more and more sexual.

I asked him if he'd had cybersex much in the past and he said yes with his exes.

So I felt quite weird about this suddenly. He then CONTINUES with the sex talk, what he'd like to do.

I said ok, let's stop talking about that now. And he said ok, I need to go to sleep anyway and pretty much cut me off.

I said I couldn't help feeling that he was just interested in sex with me.

He then said that wasn't true, he needed to go to sleep and cut me off again. I said well thanks a lot.

I haven't contacted him since then and he hasn't contacted me. It's been a couple of days now.

My gut instinct says it just ain't right. But it still hurts.

Please can someone talk this through with me. Why do I feel I've done the right thing but I miss him and it feels shitty?

OP posts:
lifechanger · 08/12/2011 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 20:43

Thank you lifechanger.

I do feel like a bit of an idiot about the whole thing. It seemed like there a genuine attraction on his part but maybe it was just manipulation, I don't know.

Gah!!!!

OP posts:
buzzswellington · 08/12/2011 20:49

He might well be genuinely attracted to you - but the fact is, you weren't comfortable with what he wanted, you told him so, yet he still insisted on pushing it. That tells you something about the way he is towards women.

I think it's all to the good if he looks for his jollies elsewhere, as he didn't respect your boundaries.

I can understand it's deflating and hurtful, but in the long run, I'd view it as a bullet dodged.

FreyaoftheNorth · 08/12/2011 20:52

WSS.

You are feeling sad about what you thought could have been. It's very disappointing he turned out to be just after a w*nk fantasy.

A few years ago I also had an old male uni friend get back in touch with a few platonic catch up emails. Then he invited me over to his because "his wife was out of town". FFS. I didn't bother replying to him any more.

(He'd tried it on with me a couple of times ten years earlier too but I'd always turned him down then as well.)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2011 20:54

Ok

he tried to force you into talking about sex when you made it clear you were uncomfortable

and now he has gone cold on you ?

what is his problem ? Don't feel guilty for calling him on his fuckwittery

lucky escape for you, I reckon

are you both single, btw ?

PoppadumPreach · 08/12/2011 20:57

he's being a real prick

he was trying it on and using you

sorry you have been hurt but definitely do not allow any further contact - unfriend and block would be a smart move.

hope you find someone nicer.

Original poster
walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 21:04

Thanks all.

Yes both single.

OP posts:
Original poster
walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 21:06

Tbh, in some ways I did like it. Found it ... er ... interesting.

But is it normal when you've not actually met in person again properly to be so full on? I think it was the intensity of it that worried me.

The main thing was then when I said ok let's stop talking about that, he just cut me off.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2011 21:06

just checkin'

I think you should just block him and cut contact

he wanted wank fodder

you weren't prepared to supply it, end of

just because you have a certain fondness for someone with the benefit of rose tinted gigs, doesn't make him a good bet, or even a decent bloke

Original poster
walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 21:13

What I'm trying to say is that I engaged with it to a certain degree and I wonder if that gave mixed signals.

OP posts:
stayformulledwine · 08/12/2011 21:14

The fact he cut you off tells you all you need to know. If he was genuinely interested in you, he would have respected the fact you wanted to change subject.

You are asking is it normal for sex talk when you havent even met. Why? Its like you feel that if it is, you would give him another chance? You were uncomfortable end of. It doesnt matter if its the norm or not.

Original poster
walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 21:18

You are all confirming what my gut instinct is telling me ... so that is good.

I've managed 48 hours no contact which I'm feeling quite good about it.

It's still hard though ... feel so disappointed this was all it boiled down to. And that I got suckered in.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2011 21:19

perhaps it did give mixed signals...for a while

but the minute you asked him to stop, should be when he stopped with good grace not with sulks and freezing you out

stayformulledwine · 08/12/2011 21:20

You wont be the first or the last to get sucked in walkslikeaduck but you didnt actually end up going to sleep with him so he could add you to the bedpost did you? A lot of women do and feel a lot worse than you are feeling now. Be glad that you have walked away :)

Original poster
walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 21:21

Thanks everyone, you are ace.

AF - yes it's the lack of grace about that which troubled me the most and set alarm bells ringing.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2011 21:22

listen to those alarm bells...they are there for a reason

SolidGoldVampireBat · 08/12/2011 21:23

There's nothing wrong with engaging in cybersex if you want to, and both/all participants are enjoying it. Equally, there is nothing wrong with getting a bit fed up with it and wanting to talk about something else. It's not your fault that he turned out to be too pushy and basically just wanted to wank at you. You didn't 'lead him on' and you owe him nothing.

Original poster
walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 21:24

SGB, that's a good summary of it really.

Now how do I stay away and not drive myself mental???

OP posts:
stayformulledwine · 08/12/2011 21:27

you remind yourself that he just wanted to get off on you and what that feels like. Then you remove any way you have of contacting him. Then you get on with your life :)

Original poster
walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 21:27

I should say, this thing has been going on for a couple of months now ... so it's not like it's only been going on for a few days.

I need help detaching!! aargh.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2011 21:28

what you do is...

you get a grip

come on love, this wasn't exactly romeo and juliet was it ?

Original poster
walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 21:28

That made me smile, AF.

OP posts:
Original poster
walkslikeaduck · 08/12/2011 21:29

It was in some ways though - he'd say "You're lovely" and so on. So it wasn't all sex, sex, sex.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2011 21:30

a couple of months ?

I have had a bout of thrush that lasted longer than that...

Cretaceous · 08/12/2011 21:37

"So it wasn't all sex, sex, sex."

So if he'd emailed you straight away and said he wanted cybersex, would you have even replied? I don't think so! I guess he expected he'd have to put in some work!

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