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Relationships

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Original poster

What would you do if your best friend was cheating on their partner?

31 replies

wildstrawberryplace · 07/12/2011 22:17

Just that really. My best friend is living abroad at the moment and has a long distance long term relationship with someone in a third country.

Over the last year my friend has serially cheated with a colleague and the partner found out but believed the lies spun to put them off the scent. Just found out my friend is still seeing and sleeping with the colleague, and I feel really quite sick and like I just don't know if I can carry on the friendship.

If you hadn't guessed already, my friend is a bloke. I am not close to the long term partner and didn't particularly like her but I feel his behaviour is unacceptable and that he should have the decency to finish the relationship. He won't though.

Could you carry on being friends in such circumstances? I have known this friend for over 20 years and it is a bit like contemplating cutting contact with a brother or something.

Am I being too involved with something that is not my concern? I feel no good about it.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 07/12/2011 22:38

He isnt serious about the other person is he really, its not like it is going to go anywhere is it? Leave him to it it is his morals not yours.

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 07/12/2011 22:39

You hardly see him, due to him living abroad, you don't like his partner and his behaviour, how much contact do you have?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 07/12/2011 23:24

I would mind my own fucking business. Always the best option.

Robotindisguise · 07/12/2011 23:27

If you're that close, tell him he's being a cock.

Only you can say if his behaviour makes you like him less. But you're not complicit - he's his own person...

RhondaRoo · 07/12/2011 23:31

Mind your own business - been there, seen it, told the innocent OH, got shouted down for being a nosy cow.

Seriously, if he can't keep it in his pants and doesn't care about his actions, nothing you say will change his mind.

Think about the reasons you are friends with him - do they outweigh knowing he is a cheating-knobber? If so, stay in contact. If not, let the realtionship fizzle out.

Not easy, but why should you be worrying about somebody else who couldn't give a flying-one about the situation?

maleview70 · 07/12/2011 23:32

If my best friend was shagging around I would still be his best friend (Unless he was shagging the DW of course :) )

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 07/12/2011 23:36

I suppose it affects how you see your friend's ethics and personal integrity. You don't need to get involved, as it's not your business, but I can well understand how you would feel that you don't want to continue the friendship. It's disappointing to find that someone you love is behaving like a twat.

2rebecca · 07/12/2011 23:52

They aren't married, or even living together. he is 2 timing his girlfriend. I've had male and female friends do that when younger and it didn't affect my relationships with them. If you feel sick at the thought of him sleeping with his second girlfriend (to me she is just as much his girlfriend as the one who he started seeing before her, he doesn't sound very committed to the first woman if they aren't married or even living in the same country) then it sounds as though the friendship won't last. Just drift away, you sound as though you don't like him any more.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 08/12/2011 00:11

My two best friends are my very best friends in the whole world and nothing they do will alter the way I feel about them. It's the Three Muskateers - all for one and one for all and we'll always stand by each other through thick and thin.

They've done dumb things; I've done dumb things. When either of them has dug themself into a deep hole I've been there with a rope to haul them out - and they've done the same for me.

It sounds as if your best friend isn't particularly 'best' for you and maybe you should downgrade them to a 'friend'.

Original poster

wildstrawberryplace · 08/12/2011 10:31

themouse I go to visit often, we email everyday and talk on the phone. He is my DCs godfather. Last time I visited I took the DC, it was horrible, he was distracted and rude and we left his house and went to stay in a hotel because his crazy mood was affecting the DC. It then came out that he was like that because of the affair with the other woman.

I couldn't really dump him permanently, because he's part of the family so to speak. I'm just finding myself conflicted. At first I thought fair enough, people do have affairs, but it seems to be turning into whatever the equivalent of bigamy is when you are not married - he's leading two lives and lying to everyone, except me - which is kind of stressful.

I have told him quite frankly that he's being a cock. Also, I don't dislike his partner, I just said I don't particularly like her - as in I have no axe to grind or loyalty to her in particular. I don't know her very well - he met her when he lived over there.

solid It started being my business when his partner rang me up in the middle of the night and asked me whether he was seeing someone else because she had found evidence and basically poured out her heart to me. My answer was "I am very sorry you are feeling bad. I cannot get involved because it is between you and him. Please talk to him about your suspicions" (which I know was tantamount to dobbing him in, but I wasn't going to lie for him) and I felt like total shit and really guilty as if I was complicit in her distress.

The other thing is the partner is that stage where she might still find someone else and have a child, which she wants, but if he keeps her on hold (he's said many times that he doesn't even love her) she will end up five years down the line with that chance gone because of his selfishness.

leBOF that's it exactly, it's just "disappointing to find someone you love is acting like a twat".

I guess I'll just carry on as always but keep out of it as much as possible.

OP posts:

Malificence · 08/12/2011 11:00

I'd tell him that I was unable to be his friend any more, liars don't make good friends, cheating liars , even less so.

I'd also tell his partner the truth, she deserves to know, plus she's already suspicious, so will listen.

2rebecca · 08/12/2011 11:27

I don't think I could be best friends with someone who told me he didn't love his girlfriend but who hadn't the guts to tell her this and when i knew she wanted to have kids. If there are no kids then staying in the relationship is pointless and this is different to loving 2 women and being torn between them. To me a godparent isn't "family". It sounds as though you don't even like this bloke any more, if that is the case I would tell him you think he is behaving badly and you don't like him at the moment. I don't get the feeling that he is your best friend at all.

Original poster

wildstrawberryplace · 08/12/2011 11:32

Yes, I guess it does sound like that really. The other thing which is a problem is I really don't even know how much of what he tells me is lies. It doesn't sound good really does it :(

DH has been telling me for a while not to expect anything from him. It's just hard to call time on a friendship of 20 years.

OP posts:

SimoneD · 08/12/2011 11:36

OP - are you sure your feelings are just friendship for this man. To 'feel quite sick' about him sleeping with someone suggests that your feelings are alot stronger than this. I've a few male friends who've cheated on their partners and it hasnt bothered me or changed the way I feel about them. Everyone has a right to live their own life and make their own mistakes.
Also, seems that the long term GF knows the situation but is choosing to ignore it for whatever reason. I would just let them all get on with it, the situation cant go indefinitely, it will sort itself out.

Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 11:37

Support my BF.

Malificence · 08/12/2011 11:44

"It's just hard to call time on a friendship of 20 years".
Why, when he's making a big a mug out of you as he is of his poor partner?

He sounds like a pathological liar.

Simone, I'd feel sick and change my opinion of someone I knew, even if I was close to them, if I found out they were cheating on a partner. He hasn't "made a mistake", he's systematically betrayed his partner over quite a long time - that tells you all you need to know about him, or a person like him.

pollyblue · 08/12/2011 11:45

If you want to continue the friendship, you need to make it clear that you don't want to know anything at all about his personal life. The topic's got to be completely out of bounds.

Personally I wouldn't end a good friendship over something like this (and this aside, do you feel it is still a good friendship?) - I wouldn't consider it my business. It's unfortunate you've been dragged into it. Whatever you do, do not tell his long-term girlfriend that his is still cheating. Neither of them will thankyou in the long run.

Liluri · 08/12/2011 11:47

I would tell him that I think he's being a selfish, devious, lying twat.
And leave it at that.

It isn't your job to be his moral guardian, but you are perfectly entitled to your opinion.

timetoask · 08/12/2011 11:51

OP, I will go against the general replies you have received. That poor girl is waisting valuable time with your friend, why on earth is he not ending it? What does he have to gain from this relationship? Has he always been like this with other girlfriends?

I would not mention anything to the girlfriend, but I would have a serious talk to your friend and make him see what he is doing. I really would.

When I first starting fancying my current DH, i had a boyfriend in a another country, we had been going out for 3 years. I was not unfaithful, but I could see that I really wanted to start something with DH. I told my friend, and she immediately told me to please tell my boyfriend and end it with him before anything happened. She gave me the "push" or "guts" to do it.

timetoask · 08/12/2011 11:52

oops... "wasting" rather

Original poster

wildstrawberryplace · 08/12/2011 12:08

I've told him many times that I think he should have the guts to end his other relationship instead of keeping it as some sort of insurance policy. When he first had a fling with this other woman I was ready to encourage him in the way that you describe time but it rapidly became clear that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

Simone I don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for this man. I feel sick simply because I feel caught in the middle now - I don't give a hoot if he goes and shags half the female population of New York but I am pretty pissed off that I'm being made complicit by default.

polly I don't know - we used to work together and had a lot in common because of that, we're still professionally close, we've been through a lot, good times and bad...I know he's not in a good place and I just feel if he could get over some of his own demons, this could all get better eventually and be water under the bridge. He's a "forever" type of friend going way back. It's just a tough one.

OP posts:

SimoneD · 08/12/2011 12:23

He is acting pretty badly but if you have been friends for 20 years has he always been like this? Has he ever been in a committed relationship? It sounds like he is acting like a 17 year old and basically does not give a shit about the feelings of anyone around him. If he has always behaved like this then whats changed to make you not want to be his friend any more? Have you just outgrown him? On the other hand if this was really out of character for him Id be cutting him a bit more slack and trying to talk to him about whats going on. If he was in a terrible mood when you visited because of the affair then obviously it is really affecting him and he's not completely blase about it. Are there other things going on, is the OW married for instance? I think you need to tell him how much this is upsetting you, tell him you cant go on lying for him if his GF calls you again and try and get him to talk about whats really going on.

Original poster

wildstrawberryplace · 08/12/2011 12:29

Actually he's never really had that many girlfriends. He's always been a bit like Stephen Fry in his "celibate" phase - except not gay. He was a late bloomer in that regard - its only in the last five years that he's had a serious girlfriend. So your remark about his behaving like a silly 17 yr old is not far off the mark really. Before that nothing really, just a stratospheric career which most of his energy seemed to go into.

OP posts:

Grumpla · 08/12/2011 12:38

One of my best friends in the whole world behaved similarly in our early twenties. He used to phone me up to whinge about how bad he felt.

Now, there were some extenuating circumstances (family bereavement etc) but I still found his behaviour pretty despicable.

I told him that he was my friend, and I loved him, but I thought that he was acting like a cock, and that this was making me lose respect for him rapidly.

I made it very clear that I did not want to hear about it, that I felt it was none of my business and I was not going to sympathise with him.

Our friendship survived as a result. He is now happily married and such a different person now.

He was my friend and stuck by me / supported me through some really awful times and I'm really glad he is still part of my life. Yes he acted like a twat for a while back there but we all have twattish moments and make mistakes. Friendships can still survive without you colluding in or
condoning twattishness.

SimoneD · 08/12/2011 12:39

So he's probably feeling like all his Xmas's have come at once then and is making the most of it! Though he behaving really badly towards his GF. I guess that you will just have to sit this out and see how it works itself out though I would make it clear to him that he needs to sort things out with his GF and you cant go on lying for him if you feel uncomfortable about it. If she's called you once in the middle of the night its likely to happen again. I had the GF of one of my mates turn up on my doorstep in a similar situation and it was really really awkward. I think his behaviour towards you was awful btw when you went to visit. To be in such a bad mood that a friend and their child had to book a hotel after flying hundreds of miles to see him was pretty disgusting. I hope he apologised to you, if not I would be reconsidering the freindship over that alone!

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