Sadness

[carantala]

Don't see the point of carrying on; all of my relationships have been rubbish. Kids don't like me (well, one does). Have had such a dreadful year. I am feeling extremely sorry for myself. Want my XP back; silly, isn't it?

Hi, saw this and couldn't go without posting.

2010 is generally considered an annus horribilis in my family. We lost four family members and two family friends. In addition DH and I were going through some horrific stress and it felt like the world was tumbling down around me. Luckily for my sanity DH got a new job which required a house move, so on the 1st Jan we literally left our life behind and started again - new house, new area, new job, new year. Most of all it was the new year that helped, I think. It took a long time for DH to settle in the new job and those stresses to ease out, but I kept telling myself that 2010 was gone and behind me and 2011 could only be a better year and it really truly has been.

So whoever said to look forward to the new year - they were speaking the truth. It can be an incredibly powerful new start, if you want it to be. Of course there were difficult days - there have been several anniversaries this year that have had me in bits again, and another couple coming up with Christmas approaching, but things haven't looked as bleak as they did in 2010.

I am very sorry for your losses. I hope the turning of this year into next brings you some comfort. xxx

No problem carantala. I've just seen the website and it would put me off! Too new age and random for me.

I read Joan Didion when my brother died,The Year of Magical Thinking. She's an American writer who wrote about the sudden death of her husband and the illness then death of her only child months later. It was very comforting to read how someone can be felled my grief and gets through it by almost inhabiting a imaginary world. Have you read it?

I hope you have a better day today x

Give yourself a huge pat on the back for carrying out your dreaded task of tackling your card list. Very well done you for finding the emotional strength to do so. I bet you feel better for having done it now - sometimes its more the thought of doing something isnt it ? I too know how you feel - 2009 - was my annus horribilis - my big brother died and my last aunt and uncle out of 7. Last Christmas l thought l was doing ok till l burst into tears in a card shop as l chose one 'Brother' card instead of two. l always used to get both brothers same card as they lived at different addresses but they noticed one year and it became a standing joke - so l used to get them both a 'best brother in the world' card or 'favourite brother' and so on. My little brother mentioned it last year aswell how it felt odd to know only he got the 'Brother' card now.

Its funny how the little things can seem the saddest and get to you the most. I too - as someone else said have had strange things happen as if my brother is still around. For example l was going to my late brothers house one day for the sad task of clearing out his things - l was his executor - and l was driving along thinking 'oh my god - l cant do this - how am l gonna get through this - this is going to be so sad' etc - when on the radio came the first of his two funeral songs. Then next song on was his second funeral song and l said out loud to myself in the car 'Oh come on now [Big bro's name] - you're having a laugh now'. He did have a wickedly cruel sense of humour. It was so bad l ended up laughing iyswim and by this time l had reached his house and managed to get through the sad task with just a few tears here and there. l am convinced he was up to mischief that day - both songs were old songs but from different eras and not ones you hear often on the radio let alone in quick succession.

Sorry put new paragraph in wrong place - 'Its funny how the small things etc' was referring to the first paragraph not the second.

Thank you all so much for your very kind messages.

Sudaname - your message really resonated with me! Am a very keen amateur astronomer and went outside last night to see if I could see any Geminid meteors after several fruitless nights (my bro also loves the night sky!). Was very lucky to see two shooting stars immediately overhead and, although it was extremely cold and didn't feel well, decided to wait for a third.
Suddenly, from nowhere, the most magnificent meteor streaked right across the sky.

Spoke to my son about this today and he said that it was my bro looking after me and saying "Go inside now, sis!" It's a lovely thought, even though my common sense tells me that this is not the case.

MXCWS - thank you, also, for your very thoughtful and kind post! I am sorry for all your family losses and turmoil and so pleased that you and your DH pulled through!

Will be making some Christmas arrangements at the weekend with my GC using containers with Oasis already taped in, which my darling friend brought over last year; she wanted to make table decorations with them but it didn't happen because of the atrocious weather. Izzy - feel that my friend would be very happy about this and we will light a candle for her.

Thank you, all of you, for your messages but still don't understand why I am missing my XP so much!

BMB I will have to think very deeply before I respond; my children are all adults and have their own lives

Had the most wonderful news today - little brother's daughter is having a baby! ETA 24th June - Midsummer's Day.

lovely news

bittersweet, but ultimately hopeful

Yes, AF - I know what you mean but it is such wonderful news for my dear SIL. My own DD1 is having her first baby next May.

Wonder why Badmoodbear withdrew the message? I was going to answer!

Maybe they (or someone else) thought it was meant in an aggressive way. If you still want to answer then you can - we're still listening if it would help you to discuss.

Congratulations on becoming a great aunt! My mum said that made her feel much older than the thought of becoming a granny :) Is it your first great niece/nephew? What a lovely thing to look forward to, albeit as AF says, bittersweet. A new life must always be a blessing I think.

x

Am still reeling with shock over the deaths of my little brother and my best friend. Am finding it so hard despite the happy news of the new arrivals to come in our family.

Massive overdose of self-pity or something; could it be grief? Have read the 7 stages of grief on the internet. Never know which part applies here.

Still desperately missing my XP and the life/business we had. Why? He clearly has no interest in me.

F***G Christmas

Felt dreadful today while shopping - went to supermarket. Everyone seemed to be really happy; all with their spouses/partners/children. Was overcome with sadness and left. How long does this last?

'Thank you, all of you, for your messages but still don't understand why I am missing my XP so much.'

Have you ever been to therapy about that relationship?

It seems to me you have gone through some sort of traumatic bonding in that relationship, and I feel you should try to sort out the effect he had on you.

Maybe you are missing the feeling that someone had some sort of control over your life, a feeling that has been magnified due to the untimely losses you have experienced. Maybe you just want someone 'in control' to lend his solidity to your life right now and that is why you believe you are missing him when really you are feeling lonely, bereaved and in fact deeply hurt by him underneath it all. There is an element of cognitive dissonance to your feelings for him.

How long does this last? As long as you let it.

What you see in shopping malls at this, or any other, time of year are illusions. Snapshots of a few seconds in which spouses/partners/children appear to be laughing and happy.

The reality is that no-one knows what those adults, those children, are going home to and what misery they may have to contend with behind closed doors.

The fact is that solicitors' tills and family courts will be profitably ringing in the New Year for considerably longer than 1 Jan.

Instead of grieving for what you have lost, be glad for what you have.

I didn't intend for the above to be quite as Pollyanna-ish as it may sound but, unless we are seriously conflicted by mental health issues, we can choose what we want to think about and limit the time that we spend indulging negative thoughts about ourselves and/or our lives.