Sadness

[carantala]

Don't see the point of carrying on; all of my relationships have been rubbish. Kids don't like me (well, one does). Have had such a dreadful year. I am feeling extremely sorry for myself. Want my XP back; silly, isn't it?

Don't go comparing yourself to other people. You are living your own life and not the lives of others. You have suffered a lot of loss and betrayal over the year. Would you consider grief counselling as a gift to yourself?

I had a bad year with bereavement and a lot of stress during the 90s. I remember after the second death counting the days until the end of the year, and feeling a real sense that some of the grief had dissipated once the new year finally arrived. I just felt that I had taken a little step forward once the calendar said January.

Another Christmas Card refusenik here.

I'm sure our local hospice appreciates the money more than me giving cards to people I see every feckin day.

Second maths post. Your pain is your own and can't be graded against someone elses. It's shit at the mo but you will feel better, honest (especially if you get the counselling).

In the meantime just concentrate on doing what you can and stuff the rest.

Thank you all for your posts.

I am not a young woman but Gransnet is not for me. I am devastated about the loss of my younger brother and my darling BF. They both loved Christmas!

Am also unable to come to terms with the deceit and duplicity of my XP; never, ever thought that he was a liar! Am so hurt that he took the OW into our bed!

XP and OW are quite famous in their respective professional fields; however, neither of them use MN so can vent on here! No-one knows about their BDSM activities.

mathanxiety - I am very fortunate as I have access to grief and bereavement counselling here where I live. However, nothing makes sense! Why should my little brother have died? He and my SIL did everything that they could for their 4 children's education - they all went to university and last one graduated in 2010. Little bro was fine in October of 2010, when he came to stay with me overnight. Was in tears of laughter all evening with him, especially when he was blowing up his bed in order to sleep on the floor here! I treasure the memories that I have of him and my best friend.

Miss them both so much and, very weirdly, my XP; suppose that it's because he knew both of them.

I don't know anything any more!

How did he die, carantala ?

My H's best mate was tragically killed 11 years ago...we still miss him every single day

Carantala, I think it's impossible to ever get back the life you had when something senseless like a too-early death happens. You limp on and time washes away the sharpness of your emotions, but you hate yourself for getting on with it and feel horrible guilt that you are able to, mixed with misery on the days when you can't cope. A little bit of you and your childhood disappears when you lose a brother or sister.

I lost a sister in the prime of her life and thought it would be the end of me - and in a way it was, because I haven't been the same since. Compounding the loss was exH's self centered attitude throughout the period after her death; that was actually a nail in the coffin of our relationship, looking back.

Time takes the edge off, but it's a long road.

Thank you so much for your posts; they are very much appreciated.

Am sitting here in floods of tears. Miss my little bro and my BF so much.

Still haven't been able deal with the Christmas card list; keep putting it off!

AF Little bro contracted a very rare form of cancer with secondary lymphoma - he was very positive and just wanted to get the treatment over and done with so that he could get back to work. Unfortunately, he had two heart attacks after 2nd round of chemo and all treatment was withdrawn

I am so very sorry. That is heartbreaking < hug >

mathanxiety - Thank you so much for your post; it's much appreciated!

None of us expect anything to happen to our beloved brothers and sisters, especially when they are younger than us. You are spot-on about the misery, although I would not say that the childhood disappears; if anything, the memories have come rushing back with great clarity!

Sorry if this is not clear or sounds jumbled; am very grateful for your kind post!

mathanxiety - Am so entirely consumed by my own grief and anger that I am forgetting about the feelings of others.

I am so sorry about your sister; may she rest in peace and continue to give you such very happy memories.

Thank you, again, for your messages.

It maybe does help to know that while we may have been more conflicted by grief than some, we've been less conflicted than others.

When we think of 'grief' it can be that we lose sight of the anger we feel at those we love being robbed of their lives by premature death, and our anger at being robbed of the chance to grow old(er) with those we love.

I'm inclining to the view that death makes no sense unless we have belief in the possibility of an afterlife, particularly as it seems to me that anything less makes us subject to random chance, a roll of the dice,subject to the lottery of the alleged grim reaper.

One thing's for sure - we don't take much account of death until we are hit with the reality of it. Or should that be the 'mortality' of it?

I've had to reach an accomodation with death to allow me to continue in life after those I've loved, always have loved and always will love. are no longer accessible to me in the here and now but, conversely, they are in some way more available - I can talk to them as I've always done, and 'see' them anytime and they are no less 'here' and no less 'real' to me than they've always been.

It's taken me a very long time to get my brain around this concept, and I'm not entirely convinced that I've 'got it' yet. but I hope that 'the shortest life is as a long as the longest life' will come to have the same resonance for you that it has for me.

This time of year really is the Dickens - 'it was the best of times, it was the worst of times' and we keep Christmas for the children, and for the child in us and for the child in those we've loved and been parted from through no fault of ours or theirs.

Here's to them and here's to us because nothing can part us from those we love and those who love us.

carantala I'm so sorry for your losses and the pain you are in, I can feel it strongly from the screen. I understand your desire to go back to how things were. I had some CBT a few years back after I almost died and lost my best friend of 30 years and my brother suddenly. Both were 45. Therapist noted I repeatedly expressed a desire to get back my 'old self' and pointed out that, even without the trauma and losses, who I was yesterday is not who I am today. Just being alive changes us, second by second. I can never go back, you can't go back. But you can go forward with the expectation of further happiness to come. All you have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, and know , really know that this is exactly what your brother and dear friend want you to do.

Part of your grief is making you anchor yourself to happy memories of your dp, and filter out the less rosey ones. That's natural but you will start to let go of that crutch soon enough. You have to trust me on that one.

My brother has been on my mind non stop this week, his songs keep coming on the radio, I keep finding little random momentos around strange places. I cry like it's the first day he died, and feel him die all over again. But weeks like this are becoming fewer, and like Izzy, I never miss a chance to toast my loved one's memory, or talk to them. Your brother and friend didn't choose to leave you. Your dp had a choice and chose himself over you, his needs/wants over yours. Don't waste your love on him x

Thank you perfumedlife.

Was crying again non-stop before I saw your message. Just want my bro and my best friend back! Realise that it's never going to happen.

I am so sorry about your losses; you will never stop loving your brother and your best friend- they will always be with you!

Thank you so much for your message; it does make complete sense to me. I hate the way my little brother was completely ravaged by his illness; he didn't even look like himself any more! He is such a dear, sweet and KIND member of the human race and did not deserve such a gruesome and undignified end. He never complained and tried to stop us all from visiting.

Have to stop now - am so upset. Thank you again

Izzy Thank you, too, for your message.

Overwhelmed by grief but will try and respond soon.

Thank you again

Carry them with you every day in your heart. I thank god every day I had them so long, that they were at my wedding and saw my ds born. I focus on what we did have, and know they still see me. I feel them, and when the veil of grief clears a little, you will be able to feel them too. Love doesn't die carantala, it's never wasted.

Shall we have a toast at Christmas together, to all our absent friends?

Yes perfumedlife - it's a good idea; I am trying to cancel Christmas, but it is impossible as my children won't let me.

I can't sleep; want to be curled up in bed with my XP - have no idea why as he is happily ensconsed with the OW!

Miss my BF so dreadfully - she was a human dynamo with all her charity work and fundraising. She did it all her life despite all of her personal tragedies; I live in a little village lane with a wonderful hedge all along one side - my BF could never walk along here without taking some greenery for her latest project! (She was a qualified florist and donated her beautiful flower arrangements to charity raffles, etc.). We would often pick up fir cones and berries for Christmas arrangements; always had our eyes on the best holly! She was also an amazing knitter; it is so sad that she only had a few months of retirement before she died. We had lots of plans!

Take another walk with your bf, pick up those fir cones, berries, and greenery as you always did and take your treasures home to create a small shrine for her this Christmas.

Place a candle among nature's treasures and pour your heart out to her because she can hear you - and you'll hear her if you open your mind to her voice.

As I've said, Chrismas is for children - and there is a child in all of us. Let your inner child come through so that you, too, can find some delight in the festive season and honour your bf with memories of the Christmases you shared.

It's not easy, but we owe it to those who've gone before to live our lives to the full and hold them in our hearts and minds until it's our turn to join them.

In the event of your death you'd want no less for your loved ones - and our departed loved ones want no less for us.

Thank you all so much for your very kind and thoughtful messages; you have all helped me so much and I am truly grateful!

Life won't ever be the same again without my beloved bro and my dear best friend. I still don't think that things have sunk in properly!

Did get out the dreaded list today and have written all cards. It was weird addressing the card to my SIL and putting "Mrs" instead of Mr. and Mrs. Also not writing a card to my friend was odd! There must be thousands of people suffering from the same sadness.

Thank you all, again, so much! I really appreciate all your kindness! x

Sorry! Forgot to say that I haven't felt quite so gloomy today; am sure it's because of your very caring and positive messages!

Thank you all so much!

carantala you've been on my mind all day! So glad today has been a little better for you. Sounds like you can't sleep either! I've been reading something called Miracles of Mind, was recommended to me as I have a chronic health condition and am determined to beat it, thanks to the limitations of medicine. There is so much in it that resonates with me, about grief and loss and intuition. Can I send you it? You can pm me your address if you'd like it. I really think there is a lot you will take from reading it.

I was thinking about your best friend and her strength and kindness despite her illness. She clearly had that inner peace and knowledge of how to just live in the moment that I would love to acquire. You are blessed to have had such a wonderful friend, and brother. I know you don't feel so at this moment, right now you need to fall back on happy memories to sustain you.

What would you like to hope and aim for next year my friend? I'm aiming for health and calmness, the ability to live in the moment.

Seem to be having some difficulty in posting messages tonight; just sent a very long thank you to PF but am not sure if you will receive it!

Will try again!

Meant PL of course! Previous message has disappeared! Sorry!

Hi, no message received at my end carantala. I am going to try to get some sleep as migraine is in it's third day now and even the laptop screen light hurts. Will send you a personal message to see if that helps you post. x

So kind of you perfumedlife but have visited the site of Miracles of Mind and it's definitely not for me!!!