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Original poster

Family row - gay sister wants to 'borrow' cousin's DS for protest

51 replies

Rhinestone · 06/12/2011 21:37

Hi, family dilemma and I'm caught in the middle. All views appreciated!

My DSis is gay and currently a university student where she is very active in student politics and the LGBT group. Her group is planning some kind of rally / protest in the New Year at a local church which has apparently said it will never allow civil partnerships to take place when the new legislation comes in.

My DCousin has a 2 year old DS. Apparently my DSis left a message on cousin's answerphone asking if she could 'borrow' the DS for the day of the protest in order to highlight that LGB families are increasingly visible and they have DC too. Apparently she didn't so much 'ask' as 'tell' that she would be borrowing him. This is hearsay - I haven't heard the message myself.

My cousin has flipped out over this, mainly over the implication that my DSis thinks she has the right to tell her that she will be borrowing DS for a protest. However she is also unhappy about him being a prop and unhappy at him being at a protest like that. She worries it may be scary for a 2 yr old, it might turn violent and she is also worried about what he might see, i.e. same sex couples kissing - nothing wrong with that of course but she doesn't think it's age appropriate.

However DSis is assuming that cousin is being completely homophobic and has taken great offence and my mother and aunt had a row about it. I am very close to my cousin AND my DSis and am therefore trying to sooth feathers. I can see cousin's point of view and think she has the right to say no without giving a reason.

How do I mediate and try and calm my DSis down without making it worse? And yes, I could stay out of it but I want to help.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 06/12/2011 21:40

Tell your Dsis that the answer would be the same irrespective of what the rally was for he is a 2 year old child it is nothing to do with sexuality at all.

I think wanting to take a 2 year old to a rally is immature and selfish.

There wouldn't be violence I doubt but its not the point.

TheCrackFox · 06/12/2011 21:43

Does your sis know that the little boy is actually a human being and not a toy? Why does she think she even has a right to decide?

anothermum92 · 06/12/2011 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

confidence · 06/12/2011 21:51

Your cousin is in the right so tell your sister to fuck off and be done with it.

FWIW I personally wouldn't have any problem with a 2-year old of mine seeing same sex couples kissing, and I think that thinking that's not age-appropriate while accepting that seeing opposite-sex couples kissing is OK, IS probably homophobic.

But that's beside the point. You're right that your cousin has the right to decide what her 2-year-old can go to and doesn't even have to give a reason. Your sister seems to be presuming that the kid is some kind of tool that she has the "right" to use as she sees fit. Which is a sadly common attitude among people who are passionate about causes, even valid ones.

TooManyStuffedBirds · 06/12/2011 21:55

I also think your sister is out of line. Maybe she "informed" your cousin of the plans because to request would have brought a "no" without a doubt...and for good reason. It was very presumptious and rude.

Don't fear her, ffs. Tell her to pound sand absolutely "no" and she can react all she likes; it is definitely not about LGBT circumstances no matter how much she may try to make it so. She sounds very manipulative.

MitziKinsky · 06/12/2011 21:57

Your sister sounds very immature.

You don't "borrow" children.

Especially when you will be doing something dull as far as the child is concerned.

A 2 year old really won't care if he sees same couples kissing.

And what does she hope to achieve by protesting at the church?

FFSEnid · 06/12/2011 21:58

Your sis is being ridiculous but tbh I can see why she would get a bit chippy if your cousin told her the reason was he might see people kissing. Possibly that has pushed out of her mind all the perfectly logical reasons that he won't be going.

Incidently what is the new legislation? Are churches starting to do civil partnerships?

BertieBotts · 06/12/2011 21:59

I agree with confidence. Your sister was being out of order by expecting this. Your sister is perfectly within her right to refuse, although the seeing same-sex people kissing comment was homophobic, your sister is fair to object to that, but not to extrapolate that as the reason why she doesn't want her DS at the protest.

LemonDifficult · 06/12/2011 22:01

New Year?! Will this protest take place outside? And not in anyway be organised for the benefit of/consideration of children?

Tooootally inappropriate. Start with the weather and take it from there.

Original poster

Rhinestone · 06/12/2011 22:08

Thanks for the responses, to clarify I completely agree with my cousin and think DSis is very out of order. She is however, very dogmatic passionate about her causes and makes the mistake of thinking everyone else is.

I don't think my cousin is being homophobic about the kissing thing. Sis is friends with some very 'in yer face' gay men who (as told by sis) like to attend protests of this sort as naked as possible (yes, even in cold weather!) and snog their hearts out. She thinks the combination of near nakedness and very overt behaviour would be confusing for a 2 yr old from a small English village with a rather traditional upbringing!

I just wanted to check that cousin, aunt and I weren't being unreasonable (without wanting to post in AIBU!) and canvass opinion in how to tell sis that she is in the wrong.

Would still like the opinions of any LGB MNers out there.

OP posts:

letmehelp · 06/12/2011 22:09

There are so many reasons why your DSis is wrong to expect this. I wouldn't want my 2yo at any sort or protest.

Apart from those already raised here, your DSis wants to show that LGB couples have DC by "using" the boy, but this isn't the boy's story so IMO would be a lie verging on fraud.It won't matter to the boy and there are lots of other reasons he shouldn't be there, but I'd object just on that basis.

Original poster

Rhinestone · 06/12/2011 22:09

FFSEnid - I'm not entirely sure I'm slightly embarrassed to say - I think it's something to do with civil partnerships will soon be able to be held in a religious building if the religious order concerned has no objection. But this one does, hence the protest.

OP posts:

DonInKillerHeels · 06/12/2011 22:15

Your sister would be LYING. Quite apart from that, it would be totally wrong to use a child like that. I think your sister is being appalling, selfish, and very, very VERY immature.

Absolutely no way is your cousin being unreasonable.

And I'm fervently pro LGBT rights.

confidence · 06/12/2011 22:17

But then would she feel the same way about opposite-sex couples turning up to something "as naked as possible" and snogging a lot? If so then I agree - it's not homophobic, just her particular boundary about her kid and sexual stuff IN GENERAL.

It's just that your original comment specifically said that your cousin was worried about the kid witnessing same sex couples kissing, not people kissing. That suggests that she would have no problem with the kid seeing the exact same behaviour between men and women, in which case it would be homophobic.

But like I said that's beside the point anyway.

Original poster

Rhinestone · 06/12/2011 22:20

confidence yes, I think that's right, it's the very sexualised behaviour she would object to. I didn't phrase it very well in my OP, sorry.

OP posts:

pollyblue · 06/12/2011 22:21

I'm gay with three dcs, including 2 yo twins. Absolutely would not take a 2 yo to an outdoor protest this time of the year - not my dc and certainly not anyone elses.

Has your DSis thought about the practicalities? Keeping the little boy warm/fed/changed/amused/safe among a huge crowd of people? He's a human being, not a prop. And she's mad. What's she planning to do, kidnap him if his parents object?! If his parents say no, that's the end of it.

acrunchieandacupoftea · 06/12/2011 22:23

I wouldn't be calming your Sister down,
I'd be furious and would let her know how disgusting it is to think of using a little two year old toddler in this way,
who is not even her own child,
and the parent would be mad to think that this would benefit the two year old in any way or that he would be happy to be in such a strange environment surrounded by strangers.

Does she 'borrow' the child to take him swimming/to the park/for walks? Does she have any idea how soon he will get bored, tired and hungry!? How rediculous.

EdithWeston · 06/12/2011 22:37

I think that, for the demonstration to maintain its integrity, any children there should indeed be what the protesters say they are, ie DCs of LGBTG families.

And aside from the lack of integrity in using a child from a non-LGBT family as a prop, I think it would be too hard on such a small child to be attending a demonstration (any demonstration) other than with a parent.

carantala · 06/12/2011 22:49

Your sister is out of order; I am a great supporter of LGBT but think that the members would think that this is out of line, FFS!

Original poster

Rhinestone · 06/12/2011 22:59

UPDATE - I rang my sis and attempted to put forward cousin's viewpoint. Apparently I am homophobic for agreeing with her!

Apparently all her friends were going to help to look after him and he'd really enjoy it and it would be fun for him as he'd be thoroughly spoilt. Plus she wants him to grow up in a more equal world so it makes sense to take him on these kinds of protests.

She really can't see why anyone would legitimately object.

Will have to just see how this pans out.....

OP posts:

DonInKillerHeels · 06/12/2011 23:05

He's your cousin's child. End of.

EightiesChick · 06/12/2011 23:10

If she wants him to grow up in an equal world etc, perhaps she would like to spend some time getting to know him as a person first, so that he knows and trusts her, and then when he's old enough to understand he can get to know and appreciate and maybe even support the values that are so important to her? So she and her friends will be perfectly willing to take him out, entertain him and spoil him on some other occasion (without a demonstration playing any part in things), will they?

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 06/12/2011 23:17

Tell her to stop treating him as an object or accessory. He's a child.

And she is also worried about what he might see, i.e. same sex couples kissing - nothing wrong with that of course but she doesn't think it's age appropriate.

That's bollocks though ^

Vicky2011 · 06/12/2011 23:17

She is being a loon. I am about as far from homophobic as possible and I STILL think she is being a loon. The boy is not her DC and so it's absolutely not her decision, this would surely apply if it was a Greenpeace, Unison or any other kind of protest. Two of my closest male friends have a 3 year old DS and they have taken him to Pride and he appeared to have a great time, but he is their son and, assuming that the child is happy and cared for, their decision; entirely different from your DSis wanting to use her baby cousin as a prop!

VivaLeBeaver · 06/12/2011 23:18

So your sister doesn't get her own way and plays the "you're homophobic card". Very mature and nice of her. Is she always this silly?

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